I’ve been a bit, shall we say, absent here recently. I do have a good excuse though. So here’s the deal, and you know you can trust me completely. It’s a pretty good story actually. It involves Libyan Terrorists and a lovably kooky scientist. So I was totally just chilling at this older scientist dude’s house—you know in a totally non gay way—and messing with his toys—again in a totally non gay way—when he called. He told me to meet him at the mall later that night. No biggie, right? So I did. When I got there he showed me a freaking time machine, but then these Libyan terrorists—what? Like this is so totally a true story and everything.
Sometimes I really need an actual editor. My sister will check my grammar and all that shiz, but I probably should have someone be like okay, really this joke? I mean I made you sit (like you’re really still reading) through an entire paragraph making a dumb Back to the Future joke.
I’ve been bad. I’ve been writing, just not on here. I’ve been all about the poetry (which is a good thing, but bad for here and for B Movie Brigade.) I’ve racked up conversations, work stories and other ideas that will find their way here. One of the things is my wrestling themed/inspired chapbook titled The Electric Luchador Rides Again. You can follow the progress of the chapbook (and my other poetic endeavors) at loveisadonkey.tumblr.com.
Moving on….
As a writer, I form rituals and habits. Many writers do. It helps me to write. I drink out of the same coffee mug when I’m writing. This is the case even after the handle of the mug broke off. I write in the same area of our apartment. I go to the same coffee shop and drink the same drink (Chai tea), and clearly I have the habit of making the same jokes in blogs. These habits and rituals often flow into other areas of my life. Hell, at my last job I found myself using the same bathroom stall each and every time.
At work I like to try and bring as much creativity (some might say weirdness) to the mundane job world. This had been hindered by the fact that somehow I started to fall into a rut in the weirdest possible way. Whenever anyone asked me how I was doing, no matter how I was actually doing I found myself saying “Oh not too bad.”
Every.
Single.
Damn.
Time.
Even after I caught myself doing it:
Person: How you doing?
Me: Oh not too bad (damn!)
It became increasingly important to come up with some different ways to respond to the questions when it came from my new manager. I mean they think I’m weird anyway. I could have some fun with it, and it’d probably help come up with some good stories for here. I started compiling weekly lists of how I would respond.
Such as:
(Simple ones that still seemed to confuse or weird them out)
Fine and dandy like sour candy
Fine and dandy like hard candy
Fine as frog’s hair.
Right as rain
Like I got sunshine in a bag.
Just swell, Mel.
Peachy keen jelly bean
Peachy keen like Jimmy Dean
I’m the tops, pops.
This must be pretty in pink cus I’m duckie.
Call me Count Duckula cus I’m ducky.
Like Mario after saving the Princess.
Like Zelda when he has full hearts.
And so on and so on. If you have any you think I should use let me know. How am I doing? Oh not too bad….DAMNIT!
Happy New Year bitches! I hope you had a great holiday season and that the New Year is awesome! December was a little sparse but had some quality ones. This month’s number one was retweeted 14 times! Here are the best of Overheard Ohio for the month of December! Enjoy:
5. Guy1: “Bitch said I can get anal if I let her put her finger in mine.” Guy2: “You gonna do it?” Guy1: “Shit!…I dunno”
4. Guy1 “Why aren’t these fries free? It’s suppose to be free today” Guy2: “That is Burger King you fat dumb ass!” Two guys in line at McDonalds.
3. “district manager sent her an official memo asking her to not sing during work hours. She got emo & took down all her Christmas decorations”
2. “Someone left a ziploc bag of random pills on the bus and you thought it was a good idea to just start taking them?”–dude at Rascal House.
1. “I’d sew my cooter shut before I have sex with a guy who wears skinny jeans.”
A Christmas themed TMI Thursday! Okay not really but it does involve my lovely wife. If you’re in the Cleveland area you should check out Saint at the Cedar Lee theatre Friday night. A Dutch A horror film where good ole St. Nicholas kidnaps and murders children when there is a full moon on December 5. This trailer is horribly dubbed but the movie will not be. It looks like it will be an amazing good time. See you there!
Time for the TMI! This happened just last week to my wife. You may know that we have to kitties. They are basically good lovable kitties at that. They have been known to pee on clothes but really only when we haven’t cleaned their litter box fast enough. This pretty much makes it our fault not theirs. If it hasn’t been cleaned and some piece of clothing gets left on the floor BAM pee time! Csonka (the youngest) is generally the one who does it and usually on the wifey’s clothing. There are 3 possible reasons for it:
1. She doesn’t like her as much as she does me.
2. The wife leaves her clothes everywhere
3. She knows the wife is usually the one who does the litter box cleaning.
Every now and again clothes get peed on. The week before Christmas can be hectic and it may have slipped our minds. As we got up in the morning (or got ready for bed—I don’t remember—and the wife isn’t picking up her phone.) we found out that one of the cats peed again. How did we find out you ask?
(Impatient!)
The wife pulled on her pair of sweat pants. As she got them completely on she felt something wet. You know in the crotch area. “Eww these are wet” She said. Then (I think) it dawned on her where the pants had been. “OH MY GOD I hope this isn’t cat pee” she moaned as she was pulling them off.
It was.
And it was perfectly placed in the crotch.
There you go a short but ammonia sweet TMI Thursday post for ya.
It’s been well documented (well=1 post about it) my battle with boredom at work. I still do the force field thing. Scanning my thumb print before entering a gallery is ingrained in my work mind at this point. I use the force when walking through the BLASI automatic doors.
(I use the force to open a set of doors.)
Coworker “Were you waving hello to someone?”
Me “I was opening the gallery door with the force. I went all Obi-Wan on it.”
Coworker “Oh….”
I like to keep it light at work. I feel obligated to spread my awesomeness to all of my coworkers. I’m a giver like that. It was with this in mind that I came up with a new goal. About a week ago I decided that I’d greet coworkers in a new way. I’d greet them with the two finger-gun method. I would do this with the hopes that one day a coworker will feign being shot.
I’ve since named this the “Billy the Kid method” and have done it pretty much nonstop since. It has grown since its humble beginnings. I now go so far as to pull the finger guns from imaginary holsters and then replace them. Still nothing has happened—at least in terms of feigning being shot—from my coworkers. Whenever I flash my steel I usually get a traditional greeting. You know “hey” or “what’s up?” Sometimes I get pauses and looks. There was this:
Coworker: What was that with the fingers?
Me: Oh that? I was Billy the kidding.
Coworker: What?
(I show them the method.)
Coworker: Why?
Me: You greet people with the Billy the kid method. You know double finger gun style.
Coworker: Who does that?
Me: It’s all the rage.
Coworker: Really?
Me: I do it. Give it a try.
Coworker: Okay have a good night.
Billy the kidding is fun. You should try it. It isn’t considered threatening coworkers is it?
Hooray it’s time for another installment of Things Jimi gets asked at work! (Settle down!)
The last top 5:
5. How do I get out of here?
4. Do you have to guard the same gallery all the time?
3. Are these the originals?
2. Doesn’t this job get boring? (This is rapidly catching up to #1)
1. Where is the nearest restroom?
This episodes top 5:
5. Do you have to guard the same gallery all the time?
4. Where are the impressionists?
3. Are these the originals?
2. How do I get out of here?
1. Where is the nearest restroom?
If I leave my gloves on can I touch the paintings? Last person who did the painting fell on them.
I’m not going to touch it but can I get close enough to smell it (It being a painting.)?
Why don’t you have paintings in here? We got bored with them and voted them out.
Give me a ballpark figure of how much say that piece was? I bid 1 dollar on the price is right so I’m not good at this.
Did you guys steal all these from graves? Sometimes we take it from Dr. Jones.
How can we have our party here? Donate lots of money or be the Joker.
If this place is a nonprofit how come they pay you? I like money.
Will you tell my husband that this painting sorta looks like him?
Will using flash kill the paintings or something? It would release Vigo.
Lady: Happy Thanksgiving!
Me: Oh we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving.
Lady: Oh?
Me: This will be perfect for turkey bowling though!
Lady: …
Coworker: James what is you doing for Thanksgiving?
Me: Nothing.
Coworker: Nothing?
Me: Nope.
Coworker: Family has to do something…
Me: My youngest brother was killed by a turkey!
Coworker: WHAT?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t keep this joke up.
Coworker: Oh you got jokes.
The night was going slowly and sort of boringly. Then this happened. For those of you who don’t know the Patty Picasso story click here.
Patron: This guy will know. Hey guy. I’m looking for a painting.
Me: Is it that one? (point to one on the wall.)
Patron: No. It has like water and some kind of flowers.
Me: That is pretty vague but if I had to guess–
Patron: It’s a big one. He doesn’t know let’s go–
Me: I’d say Water Water Lilies.
Patron: I dunno. By a famous guy?
Me: Monet.
Patron: That doesn’t sound right.
Me: It is.
Patron: Where is it? I wanted to show this girl.
Me: It would be in Gallery 222 but it is on tour. It’ll be back in February.
Patron: Damn I wanted to make a big deal about it to this girl.
Me: Let me tell you about Pablo’s sister Patty Picasso….
I work with the public which means two things. A.) I get asked a lot of questions. B.) I get asked a lot of DUMB questions. Don’t even get me started on things my coworkers say. I’ve decided to list the top 5 questions I get asked. These are not all dumb questions but they do get annoying. After the list I’ll share some of the random questions I get.
5. How do I get out of here?
4. Do you have to guard the same gallery all the time?
3. Are these the originals?
2. Doesn’t this job get boring? (This is rapidly catching up to #1)
1. Where is the nearest restroom?
Fastest way to The Mona Lisa? They didn’t like my “by plane” answer.
Where do you keep the originals? “My Mother in Law’s basement.”
Can I smell it? They wanted to sniff Oldenburg’s Giant tube of toothpaste.
Why can’t I touch it?
Will I be safe in here after dark?
You don’t get paid do you? “It doesn’t feel like I get paid.”
Are there any paintings here?
How do I get my work in here? “Die tragically probably.”
Do you ever wish you can stay in here overnight?
Can you help me find a painting, it has lots of colors.
Dude: "Big man got a dollar or two?" Me "No but I have a poem on a scrap of paper you can have." Dude: "Naw no thanks man" #DontCallMeBigMan17 hours ago
Posted by ClevelandPoet 
