the one with appreciation?

July 21, 2014

Today is the first Monday back after a week in Martha’s Vineyard and P Town. Now for most people that sucks. I’m off on Mondays so joke’s on you. What’s that I’m off on Mondays but have to work on Sundays so my first day back was yesterday?

Oh. Nevermind then.

This won’t be about the Vineyard or P Town. I’ll probably do a post about it soon but I’ll say this: It was “bear” week in P Town. I’ll give you a taste
(of our vacation not the bears)

 

photo (20)

That’s me sneaking a kiss with a mermaid at Bad Martha’s Brewery.

AnyBearsLoveMe I went back to work yesterday. We got back Friday night so I had an entire day to get ready. It didn’t help. Saturday night the Late Shift movie was Army of Darkness. It was a midnight showing and I skipped it to be totally refreshed for work the next day.

It didn’t help.

The morning was rough. I did have homemade granola I made the night before. It was tasty. I couldn’t get myself going and only managed to have a cup and a half of coffee. I had to answer the same vacation question 63 times, which made me wish I was still drinking Guatemalan rum on Martha’s Vineyard.

To make matters worse I was assigned a gallery that would mean I would be mostly by myself. I love the gallery and the show in it (Conservation in Focus: Caravaggio’s Crucifixion of Saint Andrew) It’s a good show and you should check it out. It of course doesn’t allow for much interaction. One good thing is it has a counter and I like to pretend it’s a thermal detonator I continually show Jabba the Hutt.

As the day wore on I got sleepier and sleepier. The last hour of the day a group of visitors came in. They enjoyed the show and watched the videos. Soon one of them looked over at me and stopped. She began walking over to me with a real purpose. Her eyes were right on mine. She slow walked toward me not saying anything. Her eyes were severe and then she stopped a few steps from me and looked at me with a hard gaze.

My mind raced. Did I use to work with her? Was her husband one of the bears in P Town? Did I once tell her something wrong about Vermeer? What was it?

I was on the verge of blurting out “I didn’t do it” And running.

She took a sharp breath and said “I wanted to let you know I appreciate your tie.” Everyone loves my Spider-Man tie. Some just show it differently.

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The one where Jimi is a hobo

December 31, 2012

Hello?

Is this thing on? I know it’s been a while but I’m back Jack. Sorry, I didn’t mean to single you out there Jack. I’ve been REALLY inconsistent as of late. To make up for that I’m going to give all of you a special glimpse into the childhood of jimi.

That’s right TMI Thursday.

Err Monday. TMI Monday.

Wait what? TMI Monday? More than you wanted to know Monday? Is anyone even reading this still?

Hello?

This will be a TMI of the you probably don’t need to know. It won’t be a gross one. It’ll be a “dang that Jimi is weird” kind. Some of you may know that I grew up in Florida. If not you know now and as Duke tells us: Knowing is half the battle.

I love the cold and snow. There I said it. I’m not a fan of being hot. I much rather be in 40’s and 50’s than the scorching Florida heat. In Florida there would be a few nights when the temps would drop and the people would go nuts. Then there were times when the temps would actually drop enough to have concern for those who were homeless. I enjoyed these nights. Who doesn’t love seeing the homeless freeze to death—I uhm…mean because of the cold.

It meant I could curl up under the covers for a change. It also meant (and here is the weird tmi) I could pretend. Pretend what Jimi? Pretend that I was homeless and needed to struggle to find warmth.

Yes, when I was young, I pretended to be a hobo. A hobo who needed to fend off the freezing weather. It helped me sleep. I can’t even begin to explain why.

Top 5 reasons to be a hobo:

5.  Hobo is an awesome word.
4.  Hobo code
3.  No need to shave
2.  Fight off frost bite.
1. Ride the rails.

There is a wiki how on how to become a hobo.

Have a Happy New Year and stay warm. Hey! Stay away from my beans! Never mess with a Hobo’s beans!


the one where Jacob tries to get me fired

June 26, 2012

Hi I’m Jacob.

It’s nice to meet you.

Most of you know my name isn’t Jacob. You probably know that I often tell people it is. I mostly do this at parties. It’s a lot of fun. It really exasperates my wife.

Her:  This is my husband Jimi.

Me: (extending my hand) Jacob.

*Confused look from person we’re meeting.

And so on.

Recently I applied for a full time position. I had to drop off my application with HR. I couldn’t remember her name so I had hoped for an “HR” labeled office. No luck. I asked the person I saw and it turned out to be her.

Then I remembered her from when I was hired. I of course kicked myself mentally for not remembering her. That’s just how I am. I handed her the application. She took it and said:

“Great. I’ll make sure this gets seen. It’s Jason right?”

The first thing I thought (and literally had to catch myself from saying it) was to counter with:

“Actually it’s Jacob.” Luckily I didn’t say that. How do you come back from that? Where do you go from there? I’d have to just become Jacob for good to her. I couldn’t be “yeah Miss HR lady I like to lie and tell people I’m Jacob. Give me a full time position!”

Luckily I caught it in time. Jacob says have a nice day.


the one with aardvark peen

March 12, 2012

“Aardvark.”

“Aardvark.”

“Aardvark!”

It was about this time that I turned around to see a woman coming around the corner. There she stood next to the bronze statue of Apollo Sauroktonos (“Lizard-Slayer”). You know the naked bronze statue. This:

“AARDVARK!” Now, I’m 93% positive she wasn’t actually saying aardvark. She was clearly looking for someone who may or may not have been named Aardvark. Almost immediately she became an aardvark. She waddled around continually saying aardvark like she was a Pokémon. The fact that she eventually stopped in front of Apollo’s lizard made it all the more comical.

And then suddenly not only was she an aardvark but she had a huge penis. It was tree trunk like and this aardvark was pollinating women…

Perhaps we should jump back in time right here. Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need roads.

I should probably explain why things went the route they did. We could go with the explanation that my lovely wife gave. Her response (to “and then I started picturing this”) was “of course you did.” That is probably the best explanation for it but I’ll give it a try anyway. This was near the end of the day (about hour 6) and I may have been getting a little punchy.

A gentleman approached me and asked for my help. He was looking for a piece he believed was Syrian. I was about to send him in the direction that it would likely be when he added some more to it. He thought maybe it was a mosaic or piece of wall. This didn’t change where I would send him. Then he added more (but really nothing of use.): “It’s of a genie pollinating”

(What?)

A genie pollinating…he didn’t specify what (or why) he was pollinating. There is a piece that people often think is a genie so I pointed him that way.

So add that weirdness to my paunchiness and you get an aardvark waddling around pollinating women with its tree trunk peen. It really didn’t end there though. If all it said was aardvark that meant during sex it’d probably say aardvark

This led me to think what if I said aardvark whilst aardvarking my lovely wife. What would she do? How would this help my sexual performance? I at the very least would have to tell her of the new aardvark plan.  The equation went like this:

Genie pollinating guy + aardvark lady + me being punchy + telling my wife I would aardvark her = me getting almost giggly.

I was afraid the aardvark lady would come over to me. Luckily she went off to spread her pollination elsewhere. Later on I told the wifebot and she was rightfully scared. Even later on (and after pelvic Joann came over) I randomly called out “aardvark!” Good times.

Crude drawing I made after the incident:


the one where my cats suck at picking Oscar winners

February 27, 2012

And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for.

(or at least you there in the back have.)
(okay nobody at all.)

It’s time for the cat vs cast vs wife pickem league. The CCWPL if you will. The first match started with the Super Bowl. You can see about that here.

Csonka raced out to the lead picking The Giants. Next up was going to be the NBA All-Star game but then I decided to have them pick the Oscars too. It was a pain in the ass to get them to make that many picks. Halfway through they’d lose interest in the scraps of paper.

(If you have a phobia related to poorly done paint drawings skip over this.)

Photobucket

The Oscar picks:

Csonka:

Cinematography: Tree of Life
Supporting Actor: Branagh
Adapted Screenplay: Moneyball
Original Screenplay: The Artist
Supporting Actress: Chastain
Lead Actress: Streep
Lead Actor: Bichir.
Director: The Artist
Picture: War Horse

Rasputin:

Cinematography: The Artist
Supporting Actor: Branagh
Adapted Screenplay: Ides of March
Original Screenplay: Midnight in Paris
Supporting Actress: Bejo
Lead Actress: Close
Lead Actor: Oldman
Director: Tree of Life
Picture: Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

The Wifey:

Cinematography: War Horse
Supporting Actor: Branagh
Adapted Screenplay: The Descendants
Original Screenplay: Midnight in Paris
Supporting Actress: Spencer
Lead Actress: Close
Lead Actor: Dujardin
Director: The Artist
Picture: The Artist

Csonka: 1-9
Rasputin: 3-7
Wifey: 7-3

(The clear winner is the wifey. I’m sure the cats will retaliate by throwing up on her clothes.)

And now the NBA All-Star game picks. Watching the cats bat at scraps of papers was probably more entertaining than NBA All-Star weekend.

Rasputin and The wifey picked the west. Csonka hates LeBron for passing up a shot (picked the East)

Updated CCWPL standings:

Csonka: 1-2
Rasputin: 1-2
Wifey: 2-1


The one where I start a new league

February 6, 2012

So apparently the Super Bowl was on a couple of days ago. I actually knew that, even if a few weeks ago, I made plans to watch a silent film at the Cleveland Cinematheque at the very same time the game was going to be on. Luckily we switched the date to watch The Fall of the House of Usher to the Saturday before. I was free to sit back and cheer against Tom Brady and his dumb bowl haircut.

In what should have been posted beforehand news: I started the cat vs. cat vs. wife pick ‘em league. First match up was the Super Bowl.

I attempted to film this for hilarity, but it really failed. I do hope to work it in the future though. It went something like this:

Me: (Dropping two crumpled up pieces of paper on the ground: one says NY, the other NE) Now get them!

(Rasputin just looks.)

Me: Damnit.

(I throw them again. This time the left over paper falls off of the table, and he runs for those.)

Bastards! I will make this work!

AnyNonAgreeableCats, here were the results.

Csonka: Giants
Rasputin: Patriots
Wife (aloud – I did not make her chase paper): Patriots

So Csonka races out to the lead. Although when Tom Brady and the Patriots lose, doesn’t everyone?

Next up will be the NBA All Star game. Stay tuned.

Hello?


The one where I go all Billy the kid

December 15, 2011

It’s been well documented (well=1 post about it) my battle with boredom at work. I still do the force field thing. Scanning my thumb print before entering a gallery is ingrained in my work mind at this point. I use the force when walking through the BLASI automatic doors.

(I use the force to open a set of doors.)
Coworker “Were you waving hello to someone?”
Me “I was opening the gallery door with the force. I went all Obi-Wan on it.”
Coworker “Oh….”

I like to keep it light at work. I feel obligated to spread my awesomeness to all of my coworkers. I’m a giver like that. It was with this in mind that I came up with a new goal. About a week ago I decided that I’d greet coworkers in a new way. I’d greet them with the two finger-gun method. I would do this with the hopes that one day a coworker will feign being shot.

I’ve since named this the “Billy the Kid method” and have done it pretty much nonstop since. It has grown since its humble beginnings. I now go so far as to pull the finger guns from imaginary holsters and then replace them. Still nothing has happened—at least in terms of feigning being shot—from my coworkers. Whenever I flash my steel I usually get a traditional greeting. You know “hey” or “what’s up?” Sometimes I get pauses and looks. There was this:

Coworker: What was that with the fingers?
Me: Oh that? I was Billy the kidding.
Coworker: What?
(I show them the method.)
Coworker: Why?
Me: You greet people with the Billy the kid method. You know double finger gun style.
Coworker: Who does that?
Me: It’s all the rage.
Coworker: Really?
Me: I do it. Give it a try.
Coworker: Okay have a good night.

Billy the kidding is fun. You should try it. It isn’t considered threatening coworkers is it?

Nah.

I mean they all get my weird humor right? Oh.

DAMN.


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