the one with horse butts

September 15, 2014

Horse butts in the title will draw all the readers in.

(Sorry if you’re looking for horse butt porn.)

(There are pictures though.)

 

I’ve been on a nice weight loss streak. Slow and steady. I’m down 27 pounds (last time I weighed in) and from a size 48 to fitting into a size 42. It’s been awesome but resulted in so many of my clothes are way big on me. The wifebot keeps joking that I look like a kid trying to wear his dad’s clothes. So on to the thrift store.

 

Where I came across this tie:

 

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Now the first thing I noticed was there were horse butts. Then I saw the birds. Here is where the controversy begins. I’m pretty sure that those birds are eating the horse’s poop. The wife thinks it’s just leaves but I’m pretty sure it’s poop.

Also: this tie was brown, there was another tie with horse butts that was another color. Some horse butt fetishist must have passed away.

What  do you think is it poop?

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the one with rodents, pirates and robots

October 31, 2011

HAPPY HALLOWEEN BITCHES!

Sorry I woke up at 6:15 this morning for no real reason and appear to be a little hyper. That will end soon I’m sure. I’ve been gone a while but I couldn’t pass up posting on Halloween. I sort of dived into working poetry and poetry alone. When not creating new poems I was working on unfinished ones. Plus the manuscript and started a separate manuscript for a chapbook of wrestling themed/inspired poetry. More on that another time.

It is Halloween though so get over to B Movie Brigade and find some good (or bad) movies to watch.

How have I been keeping myself busy at work? Well, when there is down time I walk around my gallery trying to speak to ghosts. There are all sorts of stories about haunting there and I shall be your investigator. When my gallery is empty I walk around saying:

“Are there any spirits here? If you are here would any of you like to speak to me?” and etc etc.

As you may know (should) we are big into Halloween. Kat is an awesome costume maker. This year we went with a Princess Bride theme. She was Westley/The Dread Pirate Roberts and I was a Rodent of Unusual Size (R.O.U.S) and it was awesome.

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And we hung out with our robot buddy Lindsay

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Is it Halloween yet?

September 23, 2009

Fall is here. I’ve always been a big fan of fall. Hell since I grew up in Florida I’m still a fan of winter, but I have a real love affair with fall. With the changes come football and soccer and baseball playoffs. Don’t even get me started on the Cavs. There are delicious Pumpkin Spice Lattes and Pumpkin Spice creamers. And of course there is: Pumpkin beer! I also look forward to Halloween and the deciding of costumes. Today I’m happy to announce not only the newest Super Hero and my costumes (a work one and a out at night one.) for 2009.

Produce Man!*

*A quazi fuck you from jimi to his higher ups.

The back story on this is known by a big chunk of you. For the rest I’ll give it a quick recap of it. I’ll not go into a detailed recounting of the changing of the departments and all that jazz. I’ll simply use I went from Department Head of HBC/GM to essentially lackey in Produce. So every single day since said move, the store manager has greeted me with “Mr. Produce!” or “Mr. Produce Man!” I’ve not figured out if he’s doing this because he knows how much I hate the move and he does it on purpose or he’s simply oblivious to that and unintentionally being a jerk.

To say the least it really grinds my gears.

So as I use Pumpkin Spice Creamer and pass by new Pumpkin Lagers my thoughts turn to Halloween. At work we’re allowed to dress up. Many don’t take this opportunity but I will jump at any chance to not have to wear the uniform. Last year (as I’ve shown) I was Hannah Montana. Which consisted of:

1 Hannah Montana wig (official)
1 Pair of girl jeans
1 Sparkly (thrift store purchased) girl top
1 ugly jean jacket (borrowed from the wife)
1 Hannah Montana microphone (official)
It was a lot of fun. Customers and coworkers alike enjoyed it. I was thinking about being Miley Cyrus this year. The move to produce has ruined the costume picking to some degree. I can’t go too detailed or expensive because of the tendency to get dirty and wet. Then one day as the store’s manager came back for his seemingly daily check on me it hit me. He threw the door open and said “Mr. Produce Man”.

I’d be the newest and greatest Super Hero of them all: Produce Man!

Of course this is dependent on the approval of the other two Shillelaghs and if my wife will make it for me. Produce Man’s colors are green and black. I’m even going to come up with a slogan, something along the lines of “Justice will never rot when Produce Man is near!” Here is the first draft of it:

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The costume as of now consists of:
1. A mask
2. P on chest
3. A cape
4. A gun belt w/ bananas in it.
5. Tights (my wife vetoed these) so perhaps jogging pants?


So I tell people my name is Jacob

September 18, 2009

I guess I’ll just come out and say it:

I’m a prankster. I know to most of you this is a REAL SHOCK…..or probably not.

I like to have fun. I enjoy (as some as you may have read) to make people uncomfortable and awkward. I fill the role of jokester or court jester well. It once took a lot to get me to open up and be talkative around new people, and that has for the most part changed. I’m very friendly and at points can be very outgoing. Of course a good 40% of that time I’m just pulling the leg of whomever it is I’ve just met. Much to my wife’s dismay (sometimes) I enjoy introducing myself as Jacob to people I’ve just met. This is something I really enjoy and pride myself in. Two instances that stand out are the fiancé incident and the neighbor one.

The fiancé incident took place in Columbus whilst visiting Linzi for one of her famous bashes. I showed up and introduced myself to everyone as Jacob, Linzi’s fiancé. Yes my wife was there (we were together though not married yet) and she actually enjoyed it. I succeeded in confusing more than one person.

The other took place in our apartment building. While at a neighbor’s party I again introduced myself as Jacob, and it stuck. To this day there is a dude in our building that thinks my name is Jacob.

You should try it. Hell Jacob even has a pair of eye glasses he wears. He’s developed quite a personality. One thing is for sure he’s a lot friendlier than I am. Wait, what? Anyways some of my other forms of amusement are as follows. I’ve been known to ask for someone wearing a jersey for their autograph. For instance (dude is wearing a Lebron James jersey) I’d go up to him and say “oh my god Lebron can I get your autograph? It can be quite fun.

One time at work with a new coworker I convinced him that aisle 3 was haunted. He was very afraid to go into that aisle.

Another famous gem involves my wife, Linzi and a sweaty kiwi. Get your mind out of the gutter I mean Duncan Oughton who is from New Zealand and plays for the Columbus Crew. We had been at a match between Columbus and The U of Akron. Afterwards as the wife and Linzi walked ahead of me I saw him limping out of the field. I struck up a conversation with him. After wishing him well went back to my group. My wife saw him as he passed and said “Oh he’s cute.” So I go over towards him and say “My wife thinks your cute and says you’re her new crew boyfriend.” He turns and looks as the wife tries to flee and Linzi throws her hands up and says “I’m not the wife.” Classic. Well, he’s a cool fellow and jokes with us when my wife yells “we’re divorced.” He says “so you’re available then?” Cue their swooning because of his fun response and of course his accent. My wife was fuming but also thought it was funny. I mean you think we’d be together for 12 years if she didn’t enjoy my strange brand of humor?

The women at work thought it was mean and threatened to hit me if I was their husband. This sparked the continual telling her that they feel sorry for her and that it must be horrible to be married to me. I’m just a harmless little jokester. For the most part I put my little green and red jester suit for her entertainment. Okay I don’t put on a jester suit but I do often wear various animal noses. I do this for her. I’d jump through hoops, fall on tacks, get hit with a pie to the face, or creep out my boss to make her laugh. I love nothing more than seeing her smile and making her laugh. It really doesn’t take much. Linzi, kat and I are pretty easily amused. Proof?

How about me as Hannah Montana?

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