July 21, 2014
Today is the first Monday back after a week in Martha’s Vineyard and P Town. Now for most people that sucks. I’m off on Mondays so joke’s on you. What’s that I’m off on Mondays but have to work on Sundays so my first day back was yesterday?
Oh. Nevermind then.
This won’t be about the Vineyard or P Town. I’ll probably do a post about it soon but I’ll say this: It was “bear” week in P Town. I’ll give you a taste
(of our vacation not the bears)
That’s me sneaking a kiss with a mermaid at Bad Martha’s Brewery.
AnyBearsLoveMe I went back to work yesterday. We got back Friday night so I had an entire day to get ready. It didn’t help. Saturday night the Late Shift movie was Army of Darkness. It was a midnight showing and I skipped it to be totally refreshed for work the next day.
It didn’t help.
The morning was rough. I did have homemade granola I made the night before. It was tasty. I couldn’t get myself going and only managed to have a cup and a half of coffee. I had to answer the same vacation question 63 times, which made me wish I was still drinking Guatemalan rum on Martha’s Vineyard.
To make matters worse I was assigned a gallery that would mean I would be mostly by myself. I love the gallery and the show in it (Conservation in Focus: Caravaggio’s Crucifixion of Saint Andrew) It’s a good show and you should check it out. It of course doesn’t allow for much interaction. One good thing is it has a counter and I like to pretend it’s a thermal detonator I continually show Jabba the Hutt.
As the day wore on I got sleepier and sleepier. The last hour of the day a group of visitors came in. They enjoyed the show and watched the videos. Soon one of them looked over at me and stopped. She began walking over to me with a real purpose. Her eyes were right on mine. She slow walked toward me not saying anything. Her eyes were severe and then she stopped a few steps from me and looked at me with a hard gaze.
My mind raced. Did I use to work with her? Was her husband one of the bears in P Town? Did I once tell her something wrong about Vermeer? What was it?
I was on the verge of blurting out “I didn’t do it” And running.
She took a sharp breath and said “I wanted to let you know I appreciate your tie.” Everyone loves my Spider-Man tie. Some just show it differently.
September 16, 2013
I get asked all sorts of things. Questions about art aren’t the only thing visitors have. Mondays seem like a good day to post the ones from the week before. In other words I’m too lazy to do a real post.
These first three all happened on the same night (and if you follow me on twitter you feel pretty cheated).
Who cleans the glass?
This was actually asked by several people. Two middle aged men were especially interested in it. One of the dudes followed it up with “it must be some talented granny.”
Is Buddhism a race or religion?
This was asked to settle an argument between a couple as they wandered through the Japanese and Korean art. The male in the pairing thought it was a race. She called him stupid many a time.
So you work with a lot of hot chicks huh?
I’m not sure what prompted this because there were only guys in the area I was working. The dude also seemed really high.
Bite your nails?
This came complete with a mock biting of her nails. It was an older lady who apparently thought my job should cause me to bite my nails.
Do you have a lot of hospital bills?
A coworker needing an answer about a bill he received.
Being pregnant doesn’t get me any leeway?
A pregnant lady after I told her photography wasn’t permitted in the contemporary galleries.
So they just like break eggs on/rub them on paintings?
Dude curious about Tempera.
Where are the grits?
This actually happened at the grocery store. An older couple apparently thought I looked like I knew where the grits would be. I showed them even though they had been in the aisle twice already. This gave me flash backs to working at a grocery store.
June 20, 2012
If you’re friends with me over on the facebook then you’ve seen all these. If not hooray and enjoy!
coworker: jimi isn’t really an artist he writes
me: hey i wrote a poem about wanting to bang julie andrews if that’s not art nothing is
visitor: where is rodin?
me: he stepped out for some coffee.
visitor: what? i mean the sculptures.
me: oh he left those here.
visitor: did he?
(two visitors look at picasso’s “Fan, Salt Box, Melon”)
woman: ugh this is not a picasso!
man: it say’s it’s by picasso.
woman(points to “la vie”): that is a picasso. this is nothing like his style.
man: they wouldn’t make a mistake like that.
woman(to me): you can’t tell me this thing is a picasso.
me: actually have you heard the story of patty…..
wife: just so you know I’m expecting a package–
Me: YEAH you are. (crotch thrust)
coworker: what’s the name of the play?
me: the devil comes to dinner?
Coworker: the devil? what you want to write about the devil for?
me: he pays better?
coworkers: that ain’t even funny. (walks off muttering about jesus)
manager: how you doing?
me: feel like a wampa chewed on my neck
manager: that’s bad right?
me: unless you’re the wampa it is.
coworker: does that say something about giant furry penis?
me: giant furry overly exaggerated furry penis.
me: the griffin he’s talking to whips it out.
coworker: okay then.
May 21, 2012
Just a few things. Some (mostly those who are friends with me over on the facespacebook) may have seen these. Worth sharing here because art trickery had been slow.
And then this happened:
(2 guys are talking near a Monet and Manet paintings. I walk past.)
guy 1: can you settle something for us?
guy 2: he says Manet is just a diff way to spell Monet. They’re different people right?
me: you’re both sort of right. There’s a controversial theory that Monet was Manet.
guy 2: what?
me: Monet was Manet just with a fake moustache and a fake scar.
guy 1: That can’t be real
guy 2: Is it?
me: Google a book From Monet to Manet and the madness in between.
guy 1: wow.
guy 2: that is freaking cool.
Oh and also this:
(two visitors walk in and see Portrait of Jean Terford David)
visitor 1: is that napoleon?
visitor 2: looks like him but probably not.
me: you both are sort of right. it is napoleon’s twin brother. yapoleon.
visitor 1: i didn’t know he had a twin!
visitor 2: that is a weird name.
Oh and then:
Visitor: Where do you have the impressionist.
me: actually…our Director has never been a fan of the impressionist and so he’s been trying to weed them out for awhile.
visitor: how can he not like the impressionist?
me: I know? He’s traded them all for like one Goya. It’s not even a good Goya.
visitor: What? That isn’t possible. A museum wouldn’t do it.
visitor: would they?
me: no you’re looking for gallery 222
visitor: Had me worried.