the one with frowning

August 26, 2014

Friday nights can be interesting at a museum. No, not because something like Night at the Museum happens.

(I wish I had 50 bucks for every time I was asked that.)
(I get asked it a lot!)

It’s fun to play spot the awkward first date night. Friday nights the people to have more of an energy than other nights. This lends itself to a little more snark than usual as well. I don’t mind this too much as long as it’s good-natured. I can give it as good as I take it. Last Friday:

 

A woman is in the gallery looking up at one of our Alexander Calder pieces. Alexander Calder was a sculptor best known for the mobile. /End Art Lesson. We have two mobiles out. The two are about 2 rooms apart. She stood under the second one. I walk in.

her: I blew on the first one and got it to move. let’s see if I can do it to this one.
me: actually that is rather frowned upon.
her: just frowned?
me: you wouldn’t like me when I’m frowning.

 

Next thing I remember is waking up wearing torn purple pants on.


the one with appreciation?

July 21, 2014

Today is the first Monday back after a week in Martha’s Vineyard and P Town. Now for most people that sucks. I’m off on Mondays so joke’s on you. What’s that I’m off on Mondays but have to work on Sundays so my first day back was yesterday?

Oh. Nevermind then.

This won’t be about the Vineyard or P Town. I’ll probably do a post about it soon but I’ll say this: It was “bear” week in P Town. I’ll give you a taste
(of our vacation not the bears)

 

photo (20)

That’s me sneaking a kiss with a mermaid at Bad Martha’s Brewery.

AnyBearsLoveMe I went back to work yesterday. We got back Friday night so I had an entire day to get ready. It didn’t help. Saturday night the Late Shift movie was Army of Darkness. It was a midnight showing and I skipped it to be totally refreshed for work the next day.

It didn’t help.

The morning was rough. I did have homemade granola I made the night before. It was tasty. I couldn’t get myself going and only managed to have a cup and a half of coffee. I had to answer the same vacation question 63 times, which made me wish I was still drinking Guatemalan rum on Martha’s Vineyard.

To make matters worse I was assigned a gallery that would mean I would be mostly by myself. I love the gallery and the show in it (Conservation in Focus: Caravaggio’s Crucifixion of Saint Andrew) It’s a good show and you should check it out. It of course doesn’t allow for much interaction. One good thing is it has a counter and I like to pretend it’s a thermal detonator I continually show Jabba the Hutt.

As the day wore on I got sleepier and sleepier. The last hour of the day a group of visitors came in. They enjoyed the show and watched the videos. Soon one of them looked over at me and stopped. She began walking over to me with a real purpose. Her eyes were right on mine. She slow walked toward me not saying anything. Her eyes were severe and then she stopped a few steps from me and looked at me with a hard gaze.

My mind raced. Did I use to work with her? Was her husband one of the bears in P Town? Did I once tell her something wrong about Vermeer? What was it?

I was on the verge of blurting out “I didn’t do it” And running.

She took a sharp breath and said “I wanted to let you know I appreciate your tie.” Everyone loves my Spider-Man tie. Some just show it differently.


the one with muscles

June 30, 2014

On January 26th I decided to start taking being healthier seriously. It started with getting our pebbles from the clinic to track our steps/exercise. That’s why I know the date at least. I had been doing DDP YOGA off and on for years. Never too serious about it and would continually let things get in the way or derail me.

I asked for the DDP YOGA pack for Christmas and thanks to my Father in Law and Mother in Law I received it.

(I’m much too cheap to buy it myself)
(And lazy)

So January 26th I started my road to better health. I (we actually) have been eating better. It’s been hard—I love all things cookies—and could be better. I’m working on that. I’m proud at how we’ve cut out all fast food. Working till 9:30 twice a week made it easy to be lazy and just grab Wendy’s. We don’t do that anymore.

I do the DDP YOGA every day now. I’m down 20 pounds since I’ve started. I can touch my toes for the first time since probably middle school and I feel good. I can feel/see muscles I’m not sure I knew existed. Basically this is me now:

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Okay so I’m not Ravishing Rick Rude….yet…

AnyPipeDream the point is I’ve been successful thus far but have a long way to go. I mentioned on twitter (so it makes it legal right?) that I would donate a dollar for every pound lost at the end of the year to the Cleveland Food Bank. An awesome guy said he would match so now I have triple motivation to lose.

I’ll need it.

Let’s get to the funny shall we? For that we go back to the muscles. There is a noticeable difference—only because I was a flabby girly man before. Recently this happened:

Scene: Morning. Our bedroom. The wifebot getting ready in front of the mirror. Me on the bed behind her.

Me (flexing and grabbing muscle): mmm LOOKITTHAT.
(She turns around probably smiling and sees me looking at my arm)

Her: I thought you were looking at my butt. I was going to say thanks but you’re there looking at your muscles.

We laughed and laughed. Being healthy brings marriages together.


the one where I read people

May 5, 2014

We all try to get a read on people. We make guesses (and probably assumptions) on hints and information we are given. What I find more interesting than trying to read people is assessing how people “read” me. It’s funny how sometimes people you think really know you get thinks so wrong. Then the person who you wouldn’t guess would have the foggiest clue actually hits home with something.

Along those lines one question I get a ton is “You watch sports?” It appears that as a poet you can’t watch sports. The other day I fired back “Hey Hems loved boxing and bull fighting!”

They didn’t know who “Hems” was.

Anymanlyman I’m getting off topic. Recently I’ve been getting a lot of “YOU do yoga?” I keep thinking to myself “Yeah short fat dudes can do yoga too! I’m working on it!”

So there is this coworker who is…well we’ll say kooky. This is not an insult. I’m kooky. I’m kookier than most. She is probably the nicest person around; she’s certainly a better person than I’ll probably ever be. The funny thing is she seems to think I’m the most uplifting person around.

I’ll pause while you laugh.

Ready?

So that’s how she reads me. She always comments on how I uplift her spirits and that I’m such a positive influence.

Stop laughing.

She comes to me (though MANY others too) for advice or reassurance. The problem is I joke a lot. It just happens. I don’t think I can even control it anymore. Jokes just come out. These jokes don’t often register as jokes with her. She seems to be on a different plane of existence. I recognize this but still some can’t stop the making jokes.

One day she asked (in seriousness) why our manager has us all meet as a group just to say “have a goodnight everybody”

(she may have some paranoia issues)

So I jokingly say “He just wants a hug and is too shy to ask for one. He’s hoping we’ll hug him”

And she stopped. Looked at me and went “Thank you James. You are always so helpful. He isn’t doing it for bad reasons. I wouldn’t have seen that. You really know how to read people.” As I told this story to the wifebot she stops me here to say “No you don’t or you would know not to joke with her”

That wife of mine really knows how to read people.


Conversations with Jimi: Volume 20

April 21, 2014

I say things.

Many things.

A lot.

So here are a few of the betters ones recently.

 

coworker annoyed (thinks they’re snobby) with a group of visitors.

coworker: is it true what they say about the French?
me: the kissing thing? yeah.
coworker: what are you talking about?

 

 

As we start the work day.

me: instead of going to my assigned gallery I’m just going to stand in the atrium and read poetry
manager: like to yourself?
me: no at visitors.
manager: to visitors?
me: no AT them.

 

And a special one to show why you too wish you were married to me.

Me: (in bed awoken from sleep.) What are you doing?
Wifebot: uhm…getting in bed.
Me: you’re like ruining the balance of the world right now.


Conversations with Jimi 19: A family affair

February 3, 2014

Conversations with Jimi are generally a glimpse into the very odd place that is my mind. This edition is no different, except you get to delve into the hilarity that is our marriage too. This is a short one and I thought about holding off for TMI THURSDAY. I love this one because it shows how perfectly paired the wifebot and I are.

Set the scene: We were on the couch watching some TV. A commercial comes on for (I don’t even remember really) CSI or NCIS or CSI:NCIS:LMNOP or whatever.

I know it wasn’t NTSF:SD:SUV::

(that show is funny though)
(watch it)
(thank me later)

So this commercial comes on and it’s all dramatical and all.

Commercial: WHAT IF IT HAPPENS TO ONE OF YOUR OWN. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN ONE OF YOUR FAMILY GOES DOWN.

Kat/Jimi (complete unison and both thrusting hands toward respective crotches): YEAH GOES DOWN!

It must be hard (yeah baby!) to see what we have and not be totes envious.


The one where I inadvertently come out of the closet

December 16, 2013

First a little bit of back story. I’ve talked more than a few times about how much I watch wrestling. I believe this is how this initially came about and if it didn’t well maybe I am….

AnyRepressedSexuality my sister was visiting and as we lazed about I put on WWE Smackdown. Now there is a wrestler who when a heel (bad guy) I enjoy. His name is Alberto Del Rio. He plays a heelish, pompous Mexican aristocrat. The story in my head goes my sister made a comment about him being attractive. The wifebot was not onboard. I chimed in with

“Come on Alberto Del Rio is a pretty good looking man.”

If that really isn’t how it started and I simply blurted that out well Lucy gots some splaining to do…

Flash forward to every SINGLE time he would come on the tee vee the wifebot would say “here comes your boyfriend.” Or some variation of that and I’d reply “always with the gay jokes.”

FLASH FORWARD to last week.

I’m watching some wrassling and out strolls ADR. He’s wearing his traditional long black scarf (and he previously would come out with a long white one.) What happens next was pretty funny. The part in parenthesis is what I had heard.

Me: I need a fancy shmancy long scarf.
wifebot: what are you talking about?
me: one of those long fancy scarves.
wifebot: (like his white one) Like your boyfriend’s?
me: yeah!

Her eyes get big, as does her smile. We look at one another.

Pause.
Pause.
Pause.

me: wait did you say boyfriend?

I will never here the end of this. He is pretty handsome.

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