the one where I read people

May 5, 2014

We all try to get a read on people. We make guesses (and probably assumptions) on hints and information we are given. What I find more interesting than trying to read people is assessing how people “read” me. It’s funny how sometimes people you think really know you get thinks so wrong. Then the person who you wouldn’t guess would have the foggiest clue actually hits home with something.

Along those lines one question I get a ton is “You watch sports?” It appears that as a poet you can’t watch sports. The other day I fired back “Hey Hems loved boxing and bull fighting!”

They didn’t know who “Hems” was.

Anymanlyman I’m getting off topic. Recently I’ve been getting a lot of “YOU do yoga?” I keep thinking to myself “Yeah short fat dudes can do yoga too! I’m working on it!”

So there is this coworker who is…well we’ll say kooky. This is not an insult. I’m kooky. I’m kookier than most. She is probably the nicest person around; she’s certainly a better person than I’ll probably ever be. The funny thing is she seems to think I’m the most uplifting person around.

I’ll pause while you laugh.

Ready?

So that’s how she reads me. She always comments on how I uplift her spirits and that I’m such a positive influence.

Stop laughing.

She comes to me (though MANY others too) for advice or reassurance. The problem is I joke a lot. It just happens. I don’t think I can even control it anymore. Jokes just come out. These jokes don’t often register as jokes with her. She seems to be on a different plane of existence. I recognize this but still some can’t stop the making jokes.

One day she asked (in seriousness) why our manager has us all meet as a group just to say “have a goodnight everybody”

(she may have some paranoia issues)

So I jokingly say “He just wants a hug and is too shy to ask for one. He’s hoping we’ll hug him”

And she stopped. Looked at me and went “Thank you James. You are always so helpful. He isn’t doing it for bad reasons. I wouldn’t have seen that. You really know how to read people.” As I told this story to the wifebot she stops me here to say “No you don’t or you would know not to joke with her”

That wife of mine really knows how to read people.

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best of overheardohio Nov-Jan

February 17, 2014

ohiosaywhat2

I’ve been slacking on the best of @Overheardohio. Me slacking on this is a big shock to all (one) of you huh? With that in mind (and since January only had 3—though they were pretty funny) I give you a top three for the months of November, December and January.

Honorable mention:

“my mom saw the text where I told my girlfriend I wanted to put pudding on her.”-high schooler @McDonalds

Now my picks for best.

3.  “It would be sweet to be jesus. Your parents could never get too mad at you. You’d be mom cut me some slack I’m going to be crucified”

2.   Older lady “you’re nuttier than a pet sandsquatch” guy: “a what?” Older lady “a pet sandsquatch…you know a Bigfoot”

And:

1.  “You know I’m straight & godly but if my husband’s secretary wanted to have sex I’d let her lesbian me up”–woman drinking a giant margarita

Have any favorites? If in Ohio make sure to follow @overheardohio and send in what you hear. If you don’t live here follow and enjoy.


Conversations with Jimi 19: A family affair

February 3, 2014

Conversations with Jimi are generally a glimpse into the very odd place that is my mind. This edition is no different, except you get to delve into the hilarity that is our marriage too. This is a short one and I thought about holding off for TMI THURSDAY. I love this one because it shows how perfectly paired the wifebot and I are.

Set the scene: We were on the couch watching some TV. A commercial comes on for (I don’t even remember really) CSI or NCIS or CSI:NCIS:LMNOP or whatever.

I know it wasn’t NTSF:SD:SUV::

(that show is funny though)
(watch it)
(thank me later)

So this commercial comes on and it’s all dramatical and all.

Commercial: WHAT IF IT HAPPENS TO ONE OF YOUR OWN. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN ONE OF YOUR FAMILY GOES DOWN.

Kat/Jimi (complete unison and both thrusting hands toward respective crotches): YEAH GOES DOWN!

It must be hard (yeah baby!) to see what we have and not be totes envious.


The one where I inadvertently come out of the closet

December 16, 2013

First a little bit of back story. I’ve talked more than a few times about how much I watch wrestling. I believe this is how this initially came about and if it didn’t well maybe I am….

AnyRepressedSexuality my sister was visiting and as we lazed about I put on WWE Smackdown. Now there is a wrestler who when a heel (bad guy) I enjoy. His name is Alberto Del Rio. He plays a heelish, pompous Mexican aristocrat. The story in my head goes my sister made a comment about him being attractive. The wifebot was not onboard. I chimed in with

“Come on Alberto Del Rio is a pretty good looking man.”

If that really isn’t how it started and I simply blurted that out well Lucy gots some splaining to do…

Flash forward to every SINGLE time he would come on the tee vee the wifebot would say “here comes your boyfriend.” Or some variation of that and I’d reply “always with the gay jokes.”

FLASH FORWARD to last week.

I’m watching some wrassling and out strolls ADR. He’s wearing his traditional long black scarf (and he previously would come out with a long white one.) What happens next was pretty funny. The part in parenthesis is what I had heard.

Me: I need a fancy shmancy long scarf.
wifebot: what are you talking about?
me: one of those long fancy scarves.
wifebot: (like his white one) Like your boyfriend’s?
me: yeah!

Her eyes get big, as does her smile. We look at one another.

Pause.
Pause.
Pause.

me: wait did you say boyfriend?

I will never here the end of this. He is pretty handsome.

Image


the one with a signal

October 7, 2013

Last week I worked a lot. I mean a lot. In fact I missed an opening of an art show that I had a piece in because I was working. More on that show tomorrow because today I give you another peek into my marriage. Okay it probably says more about me then my marriage. Although honestly she married me so perhaps it really says something about her.

I don’t know. What’s that old saying sometimes a conversation is just a cigar?

What?

Read on at your own risk.

We were talking about important things.

The Government shutdown
paying bills
who was going to make the coffee.
I don’t eggs or something what do I look like memory guy.

The point is we were having a conversation. At the very least it was a semi intelligent one with words and such. As we chatted as married couples tend to the wifebot subtlety looked down at her boobs.

So I grabbed her boobs. I’m pretty sure she screamed. More than likely it was because of the electricity of my touch.

Her: You just grabbed my boobs.
Me: You totally gave me the signal.
Her: What signal?
Me: The “I want you to grab my boobs” signal.
Her:  I didn’t.
Me: You did! You looked down like “grab my boobs” that was the signal.
Her: That isn’t a signal.

It totally is.


the one where I don’t talk about oral over dinner

July 24, 2013

It’s hard out there for a pimp, I mean poet. Okay, not really (besides the whole no money part of it.) I’m currently working on finishing up a book of poetry. A self published book of poetry. It’s probably a lot easier (the self publishing part that is) than I feel like it is or am making it.

So-Dumb

I’m working hard on that. I’m waiting on the wifebot to draw me something for the cover. Go shame her on her blog or Twitter about it. The staff art show is coming up, and I’m probably going to do a reading for the opening reception. I wasn’t sure about it, but more than a few coworkers have asked me if I was and expressed seemingly genuine happiness with my deciding to do it.

They like me. They really like me!

So I’m trying to scrounge up some poems to be read and hope to have the book ready so I can be all “buy this bitches!” Well, minus the bitches part or at the very least the exclamation point. Also I’m trying to get my shit together and work with local galleries to put together some readings and etc.

So there is some weird stuff happening in my head.

(Yeah, yeah, what else is new?)

Most of the stories I see in my head, I see as a play—on stage—or they bounce together as a poem. Lately though I’ve seen more of these flashes manifesting themselves on canvas or similar. I’ve been getting the urge to do some mixed media collage type pieces, and I know they will suck and is probably lame to try but what the heck. I’ve told myself that I’m going to stop telling myself no and just do things. I got some cool stuff cooking for here too—like movie review haikus—but that’s coming soon.

The Ohio Blogging Association has many a Cleveland meet ups, but it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to attend them. I was happy to see that I could attend July’s. This time it was at Tremont Farmers’ Market. Despite some storms and hail, the day cleared up in time for us to walk and peruse the market.

There were all sorts of bread, veggies and awesome little shops. Then we came across POPSMITH (Farm to pop): offering flavors of seasonally changing ice-pops showcasing our region’s fruits and herbs. Kat and I gladly forked over the 3 bucks and shared a red raspberry/basil one.

redraspberry

See the enjoyment??

And as that took place we came upon: Gray House Pies!!! Why does that warrant exclamation points? Two words: Drunken Cherry Pie. Okay that was three; keep your math off my blog! A pie made with tart and sweet cherries and blended with bourbon.

BOURBON.

It lead to this text between the wifebot and Rizza:

And then this between the Rizza and me:

me: my mouth will make love to the pie does that count?
rizza: just don’t American Pie it?

I assured her that I didn’t get to my pudgy status wasting pie like that.

So yeah. We headed over to Lincoln Park Pub for Taco Tuesday. It was tasty and they have a delicious hot sauce called the morning after.

Get it because it is yum.

I’m not going to complain about good food and hanging with cool/lovely ladies. You can check out their blogs at Poise in Parma, Jam in cle, Why Cle, Dog in the Cle, Clue into Cleveland, The girl I mean to be

I was happy to meet some new people and see those I’ve met before. It’s fun to hang with local bloggers and talk about writing, Cleveland, blogs, social media and anything really. It does feel funny when the others can talk about serious topics or such interesting niches or how they promote Cleveland and then it can turn to me and I’m like “I blog about blow jobs gone wrong and how I trick people.”

Grades:

Tremont Farmers’ Market: 2 blowjobs gone wrong up
Taco Tuesday at Lincoln Park Pub: 2 blowjobs gone wrong up

I’m just kidding; that’s not how I grade things. It was a fun time with fun peeps. I hope it happens more and I’m def making a Taco Tuesday trip back there.

 
This time I’ll get the “Kill me now” hot sauce.

Conversations with Jimi: the return

October 15, 2012

Holy cow it has been a long time. Is this thing on? It has been a while and I’ve seen things man. I’ve seen some things! Really life just got in the way.

Bought a house. No big deal.
Read my poetry at the Museum. No big deal.

More on that in time. For now we make a triumphant return with an easy post. Conversations with Jimi!

Coworker: FDR American Badass?
Me: Yeah. Werewolf Mussolini was awesome.
Coworker: Mussolini is not awesome.
Me: If we can’t enjoy werewolf Mussolini we may as well just have lost the war.

*********************************************************************************

The wife laughs.
me: keep laughing right to divorce court. you’d be paying alimony.
her: hmmm
me: and i’d buy coke and whores with it.
her: rude.

**********************************************************************************

me: “what would you do or say if during sex I said I’m going to fuck you like you were the wife of bath”
@kittenkaboom: ….

************************************************************************************

visitor: where is Picasso?
me: Patty or Pablo?
visitor: wait, there is more than one?

*************************************************************************************

visitor: do you have an armory?
me: we have a small thing of weapons stashed away for the zombie apocalypse.
visitor: what? No I mean the knights and stuff.

*************************************************************************************

(Always asks but never waits for response)

construction worker: how are you doing?
me: fraggle rock
construction worker: good to hear

*************************************************************************************

coworker: name one universal fact.
me: Han shot first.
coworker: uhm…

*************************************************************************************

coworker (who heard I would be doing a poetry reading): “You write poetry?”
Me: “Nope I just read it.”
coworker: “Oh that’s kind of weird.”

*************************************************************************************

coworker: your (ninja turtle stocking cap) is awesome.
me: hell yeah it is. thanks. Have an awesome night!
coworker: is it angry birds?
me: oh. oh no. no no. (in my head) i rescind my wish for your awesome night. a pox on your house!

*************************************************************************************

visitor: (see’s my Capt. Kirk tie) Nice tie. Do you like Star Trek?
Me: No. I thought this was a MacGyver tie.
Visitor: Uhm…

*************************************************************************************

visitor: how are you today?
me: i’m fine and dandy like sour candy.
visitor: fine and dandy! You time travel from the past?
me: would it help if i told you my Delorean is parked outside?
visitor: i don’t get that so no.


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