The one with a first day

First days can suck.
Especially first days at a new job.
Especially first days at a new job after a year of being unemployed.

Times like these can be stressful and lead to some stress related dreams.

(You know if you can sleep more than an hour at a time.)
(Oh just me?)

The following is maybe the type of dream that would be had. You (being the dreamer) has a fitful night of sleep—or perhaps we will leave you behind and we’ll go all Speed Racer on her and name you Dreamer X.

So Dreamer X doesn’t sleep all too wondrously but is responsible enough to still wake up early. He puts on a pot of coffee and shaves for the first time in about a week.

(Shut up shaving sucks.)

He sleepily stumbles around sleepily and even manages to have some breakfast. There is still an hour before he has to leave. He showers and all that jazz, double checks his stuff and then relaxes. He’s walking to work. It will be a substantial walk but he leaves more than 50 minutes early.

It is hot as balls.
(As Dreamer X’s wife might say.)

Dreamer X is sweating an ocean. People and animals drown as he walks past, but otherwise the walk is fine.

(It won’t last.)
(Foreshadowing bitches!)
(Okay really just blatantly telling.)

As the world builds an ark to save them from his sweat something weird happens. Suddenly the sidewalk ahead of his just simply vanishes. He has just enough time to think “that’s weird” before everything becomes a tangled mess. There is dirt, grass, and goblin hands’ sticking out of the ground. Dreamer X knew nothing could get in the way of making it to work on time. He needed a good first day. He decides it’d be best to cross the street to avoid the mess and of course the goblin hands. Soon as he makes this decision the Indianapolis 500 comes raging down the street.

Determined to best these weird occurrences he sallies on. Just then an evil, monstrous goblin grabs his foot and simply won’t let go. Our hero tumbles forward and bam, Face plant!

(Down goes Frazier!)
(Down goes Frazier!)
(Down goes Frazier!)

The goblin is not satisfied with Dreamer X simply falling. Oh no he is not. As our hero falls the goblin twists him. He makes sure his knee goes one way and his ankle the other. Dreamer X curses loudly and then picks himself up. Once again he curses, this time his foolish ideals. He dusts himself off and surges onward.

(Ow.)
(Ow.)
(Ow.)

Okay he limps forward as his leg is apparently broken. The rest of the way takes forever. The closer he gets the further back the building moves. After battling a pack of goblins he makes it, but alas is 5 minutes late.

To his first day.

He changes into his uniform and waits as gallons of sweat pours from his forehead. He is waiting for his manager but instead is whisked away to Baltimore and a meeting with John Waters. John is angry with him and is sternly lecturing him for what seems like hours. As the lecture continues Dreamer X is confronted with wardrobe malfunction. Over and over his collar pops up or his tie slides down.

John Waters is screaming at him that being late is not tolerable. Mr. Waters is going to have to kill Dreamer X to set the right example. John wants Dreamer X to know that “Punctuation” is important here and you cannot be tardy.

Punctuation this
And
Punctuation that.

Here a punctuation
And
there a punctuation.
Everywhere a punctuation.

Finally Dreamer X woke up…..or did he? Was this all a dream or did some of it happen? Who knows.

(Well I do.)
(And the wifebot does too so bug her here or here if you want to know.)