best of overheardohio Nov-Jan

I’ve been slacking on the best of @Overheardohio. Me slacking on this is a big shock to all (one) of you huh? With that in mind (and since January only had 3—though they were pretty funny) I give you a top three for the months of November, December and January.

Honorable mention:

“my mom saw the text where I told my girlfriend I wanted to put pudding on her.”-high schooler @McDonalds

Now my picks for best.

3.  “It would be sweet to be jesus. Your parents could never get too mad at you. You’d be mom cut me some slack I’m going to be crucified”

2.   Older lady “you’re nuttier than a pet sandsquatch” guy: “a what?” Older lady “a pet sandsquatch…you know a Bigfoot”

And:

1.  “You know I’m straight & godly but if my husband’s secretary wanted to have sex I’d let her lesbian me up”–woman drinking a giant margarita

Have any favorites? If in Ohio make sure to follow @overheardohio and send in what you hear. If you don’t live here follow and enjoy.

The one where Patrick Stewart is a time traveler

Oh, hello there. I didn’t see you come in. The weekend came and went like a flash. I worked both Saturday and Sunday because I apparently don’t like having days off. Well, it was mostly that I like having money. I like money and because saddle shoes are so damn expensive, but that story is for another time.

I’m hard at work on finishing Eating Yogurt with a Fork (poetry chapbook).

Did you know I tumble now?

Yes, I’m quite clumsy. Actually you can find my poetry, news about it and all sorts of weird silly inspirational shiz over at my Tumblr page: Love is a donkey.

A few things to come: a review of the newest Les Robert’s book and something about the ‘Play Me, I’m Yours’ street pianos project.

Today however we have serious business to cover. We all know that Sir Patrick Stewart is totally awesome. It’s just a fact. Jimi fun fact #231: If you say something bad about Patrick Stewart he will pummel* you.

*not like you very much.

AnyMakeItSo his awesome is much documented. Did you know he was a time traveler? Well, ancient astronaut theorists believe the proof just may be at the Cleveland Museum of Art. I was walking through the gallery keeping the Renaissance galleries safe and sound. I came upon “Pier Francesco Visconti,Court of Saliceto, Adoring the Christ Child” marble from 1484. It’s a marble sculpture by workshop of Benedetto Briosco and Tomaso Cazzaniga. I gave it a once over with my keen detective’s eye and had to stop.

I looked again.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard himself?! Need proof?

Bam!

Patrick Stewart is a time traveling bad ass.

Or Cazzaniga or Briosco/workshop are time travelers who happen to be Star Trek TNG fans.

The only thing we know for sure is I’d probably make out with Patrick Stewart if he asked me to. Wait, what?

Excuse me maam: garden party edition

You might not know this about me, but I get called Ma’am or Miss a lot.

Like on the people yelling “Beam me up, Scotty” at William Shatner level. Okay, maybe it isn’t quite on that level but enough to stand out and enough to deserve its own segment here. Back when I had long hair and painted my nails, at least it sorta made sense. Only a little though because, hello, full beard. Half of these “mistakes” would happen while the person was looking at my face or at least the side.

And that’s why:

It had been a while since this happened last. Where was the crime committed? In my very own backyard. I’ll set the scene.

Daytime.
In our backyard.
The neighbors had some people working on their landscaping.

I was minding my own business and taking some trash out to the garage. As I did this, I turned toward their yard and made eye contact with two (TWO!) of the workers. We held the gaze for probably too long, and I nodded at them before going on my way. I continued on my way and as I entered (bow chikka bow wow…sorry) the garage I hear:

“Ma’am?”

(Silence)

“Miss?”

(That’s weird why don’t they know Chris’s name if they work for her. I’m trying to clean up the garage a bit.)

“Hey MA’AM!”

(Are they calling me? Nooo, they couldn’t be.)

“Ma’am?”

(Could they?)

“Hello…Ma’am?”

(I stick my head out of the garage.)

“Oh…OH! Sorry…”

They then asked if they could take some of the trees from her yard out through ours. I say yes, and of course later find they stomped some of our plants.

The one where Jimi is a hobo

Hello?

Is this thing on? I know it’s been a while but I’m back Jack. Sorry, I didn’t mean to single you out there Jack. I’ve been REALLY inconsistent as of late. To make up for that I’m going to give all of you a special glimpse into the childhood of jimi.

That’s right TMI Thursday.

Err Monday. TMI Monday.

Wait what? TMI Monday? More than you wanted to know Monday? Is anyone even reading this still?

Hello?

This will be a TMI of the you probably don’t need to know. It won’t be a gross one. It’ll be a “dang that Jimi is weird” kind. Some of you may know that I grew up in Florida. If not you know now and as Duke tells us: Knowing is half the battle.

I love the cold and snow. There I said it. I’m not a fan of being hot. I much rather be in 40’s and 50’s than the scorching Florida heat. In Florida there would be a few nights when the temps would drop and the people would go nuts. Then there were times when the temps would actually drop enough to have concern for those who were homeless. I enjoyed these nights. Who doesn’t love seeing the homeless freeze to death—I uhm…mean because of the cold.

It meant I could curl up under the covers for a change. It also meant (and here is the weird tmi) I could pretend. Pretend what Jimi? Pretend that I was homeless and needed to struggle to find warmth.

Yes, when I was young, I pretended to be a hobo. A hobo who needed to fend off the freezing weather. It helped me sleep. I can’t even begin to explain why.

Top 5 reasons to be a hobo:

5.  Hobo is an awesome word.
4.  Hobo code
3.  No need to shave
2.  Fight off frost bite.
1. Ride the rails.

There is a wiki how on how to become a hobo.

Have a Happy New Year and stay warm. Hey! Stay away from my beans! Never mess with a Hobo’s beans!

Conversations with Jimi: the return

Holy cow it has been a long time. Is this thing on? It has been a while and I’ve seen things man. I’ve seen some things! Really life just got in the way.

Bought a house. No big deal.
Read my poetry at the Museum. No big deal.

More on that in time. For now we make a triumphant return with an easy post. Conversations with Jimi!

Coworker: FDR American Badass?
Me: Yeah. Werewolf Mussolini was awesome.
Coworker: Mussolini is not awesome.
Me: If we can’t enjoy werewolf Mussolini we may as well just have lost the war.

*********************************************************************************

The wife laughs.
me: keep laughing right to divorce court. you’d be paying alimony.
her: hmmm
me: and i’d buy coke and whores with it.
her: rude.

**********************************************************************************

me: “what would you do or say if during sex I said I’m going to fuck you like you were the wife of bath”
@kittenkaboom: ….

************************************************************************************

visitor: where is Picasso?
me: Patty or Pablo?
visitor: wait, there is more than one?

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visitor: do you have an armory?
me: we have a small thing of weapons stashed away for the zombie apocalypse.
visitor: what? No I mean the knights and stuff.

*************************************************************************************

(Always asks but never waits for response)

construction worker: how are you doing?
me: fraggle rock
construction worker: good to hear

*************************************************************************************

coworker: name one universal fact.
me: Han shot first.
coworker: uhm…

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coworker (who heard I would be doing a poetry reading): “You write poetry?”
Me: “Nope I just read it.”
coworker: “Oh that’s kind of weird.”

*************************************************************************************

coworker: your (ninja turtle stocking cap) is awesome.
me: hell yeah it is. thanks. Have an awesome night!
coworker: is it angry birds?
me: oh. oh no. no no. (in my head) i rescind my wish for your awesome night. a pox on your house!

*************************************************************************************

visitor: (see’s my Capt. Kirk tie) Nice tie. Do you like Star Trek?
Me: No. I thought this was a MacGyver tie.
Visitor: Uhm…

*************************************************************************************

visitor: how are you today?
me: i’m fine and dandy like sour candy.
visitor: fine and dandy! You time travel from the past?
me: would it help if i told you my Delorean is parked outside?
visitor: i don’t get that so no.

the one with aardvark peen

“Aardvark.”

“Aardvark.”

“Aardvark!”

It was about this time that I turned around to see a woman coming around the corner. There she stood next to the bronze statue of Apollo Sauroktonos (“Lizard-Slayer”). You know the naked bronze statue. This:

“AARDVARK!” Now, I’m 93% positive she wasn’t actually saying aardvark. She was clearly looking for someone who may or may not have been named Aardvark. Almost immediately she became an aardvark. She waddled around continually saying aardvark like she was a Pokémon. The fact that she eventually stopped in front of Apollo’s lizard made it all the more comical.

And then suddenly not only was she an aardvark but she had a huge penis. It was tree trunk like and this aardvark was pollinating women…

Perhaps we should jump back in time right here. Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need roads.

I should probably explain why things went the route they did. We could go with the explanation that my lovely wife gave. Her response (to “and then I started picturing this”) was “of course you did.” That is probably the best explanation for it but I’ll give it a try anyway. This was near the end of the day (about hour 6) and I may have been getting a little punchy.

A gentleman approached me and asked for my help. He was looking for a piece he believed was Syrian. I was about to send him in the direction that it would likely be when he added some more to it. He thought maybe it was a mosaic or piece of wall. This didn’t change where I would send him. Then he added more (but really nothing of use.): “It’s of a genie pollinating”

(What?)

A genie pollinating…he didn’t specify what (or why) he was pollinating. There is a piece that people often think is a genie so I pointed him that way.

So add that weirdness to my paunchiness and you get an aardvark waddling around pollinating women with its tree trunk peen. It really didn’t end there though. If all it said was aardvark that meant during sex it’d probably say aardvark

This led me to think what if I said aardvark whilst aardvarking my lovely wife. What would she do? How would this help my sexual performance? I at the very least would have to tell her of the new aardvark plan.  The equation went like this:

Genie pollinating guy + aardvark lady + me being punchy + telling my wife I would aardvark her = me getting almost giggly.

I was afraid the aardvark lady would come over to me. Luckily she went off to spread her pollination elsewhere. Later on I told the wifebot and she was rightfully scared. Even later on (and after pelvic Joann came over) I randomly called out “aardvark!” Good times.

Crude drawing I made after the incident:

Best of Overheard Ohio February 2012

Is it already March? That means it’s time for The Best Overheard Ohio for February. Last month they seemed particularly weird. Here goes:

5. “Well I’ll be a dead deer’s dong”–customer at @homedepot when store employee found
what he was looking for.

4. “Let me know what ur favorite song is at the concert and I’ll finger bang ya”-man
speaking to lady friend.

3. “What you need a hamster for? No hamster ever put food on the table. You putting that
money she gave you in the bank.”–Man to kid.

2. “No you won’t ever hear the end of it. You ate chicken wings from my TRASH CAN.
Why would we let you forget it?”-Guy at the bar to friend.

1. “Why did I wake up with a french fry in my ass? Oh.”–Guy on

the one where my cats suck at picking Oscar winners

And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for.

(or at least you there in the back have.)
(okay nobody at all.)

It’s time for the cat vs cast vs wife pickem league. The CCWPL if you will. The first match started with the Super Bowl. You can see about that here.

Csonka raced out to the lead picking The Giants. Next up was going to be the NBA All-Star game but then I decided to have them pick the Oscars too. It was a pain in the ass to get them to make that many picks. Halfway through they’d lose interest in the scraps of paper.

(If you have a phobia related to poorly done paint drawings skip over this.)

The Oscar picks:

Csonka:

Cinematography: Tree of Life
Supporting Actor: Branagh
Adapted Screenplay: Moneyball
Original Screenplay: The Artist
Supporting Actress: Chastain
Lead Actress: Streep
Lead Actor: Bichir.
Director: The Artist
Picture: War Horse

Rasputin:

Cinematography: The Artist
Supporting Actor: Branagh
Adapted Screenplay: Ides of March
Original Screenplay: Midnight in Paris
Supporting Actress: Bejo
Lead Actress: Close
Lead Actor: Oldman
Director: Tree of Life
Picture: Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

The Wifey:

Cinematography: War Horse
Supporting Actor: Branagh
Adapted Screenplay: The Descendants
Original Screenplay: Midnight in Paris
Supporting Actress: Spencer
Lead Actress: Close
Lead Actor: Dujardin
Director: The Artist
Picture: The Artist

Csonka: 1-9
Rasputin: 3-7
Wifey: 7-3

(The clear winner is the wifey. I’m sure the cats will retaliate by throwing up on her clothes.)

And now the NBA All-Star game picks. Watching the cats bat at scraps of papers was probably more entertaining than NBA All-Star weekend.

Rasputin and The wifey picked the west. Csonka hates LeBron for passing up a shot (picked the East)

Updated CCWPL standings:

Csonka: 1-2
Rasputin: 1-2
Wifey: 2-1

Better know a Patron: jumpy patron

Anyone who works with the public knows you get all kinds. The world is full of all sorts of kooky, weird as all get out people. Hell, I’m including myself (and if you’re reading this blog, you are in that category too.) I will say the people who I meet now are an entirely different breed than the ones I got at the grocery store. I’ve been chronicling on twitter (and facebook) my interactions and the people I’ve met.

These people can be put into different categories when it comes to what kind of “patrons” they are. So we shall start the Better know a patron segment here.

No I most certainly did not take the name from Stephen Colbert’s Better know a District bit. It is purely coincidental dear reader.

We will get specific, or sometimes it’ll just be there is this type and here are examples. We do get a bunch of repeat visitors, and you’ll love getting to know them.

First up the overly jumpy patron:

This patron thinks that my job is to get them in trouble for everything/anything they do. There are some who seem to think any misstep (real or simply perceived) will get them in trouble. Perhaps they are used to guards that bully people.

There is a certain area of the building where you really just sort of stand around (or sit: few places you are allowed to sit all day), and make sure the public doesn’t accidentally wander down there. It is a construction zone and during the week this would be a busy job. On Sundays there are no construction workers to watch though. It is a peaceful ‘Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy spot. A few times (maybe) you’ll have to stop patrons from getting off the elevator but generally you can just relax. The following took place on Sunday between the hour of 12pm and 1pm.

(Oh man, 24 references never get old.)

I was scheduled to work there, and I was enjoying my day. There had been no patrons trying to get off (mind out of the gutter!) there. I had been sitting for a while so I stood up to stretch my legs a bit. I was right up against the wall of the elevator when it opened. I moved in front of it as a lady (maybe in her 50’s), a man (same) and a younger guy started to get off. I had been trying to fix my radio (hooked to my belt), and as they got off instead of saying something I put my hand out to say stop

The lady jumped! She jumped back and was all “OH…OH, I’m sorry. I’M SORRY! We…I…weren’t not allowed here!”

Before I could say anything (hand still out), the older dude chimed in:

(Fumbling for his map) “We didn’t mean to!”

Her: “We swear!”

Finally I told them where they went wrong and sent them on their way. It was hilarious though.

weed, gender bending bars, white meat and donuts

It’s that time again! The best of Overheard Ohio will be done a little differently this time around. Overheard got a ton for January and many of them were popular. So this time the top 5 are based on how many star/retweets they received. Enjoy:

5. “Sometimes I like to find me a real cheesy white guy to fuck.”–Black chick inside @TheRealBSide

4. “I will never go to another bar where you can’t be sure if it’s a dude or a chick again.”–Frat looking guy.

3. Woman A: “He tried to fuck your sister?” Woman B: “Yeah. I should have known he was a dog he always bought the cheapest toilet paper.”

2. “I love that the guy I get my weed from lets me pay with hand jobs sometimes.” –girl outside of CVS.

1. “Just go in and get me some god damn donuts or I will drink until this baby is retarded!” – pregnant lady outside of Dunkin’ Donuts