Pig man at the Summer Solstice Party

June 28, 2011

One of the first things I fell in love when I moved to Cleveland was the Art Museum. They have some great pieces, awesome lectures, and it’s free every single day. Here and here are a few posts on some of the lectures they’ve had. They also have probably my all time favorite “La Vie”.

Sometimes, when I didn’t have to be at work after school I’d get off the bus at University Circle and walk on over to the museum. I’d spend an hour or so in there and generally end up sitting in front of “La Vie.” I’d pull out my notebook and just write sitting there.

It had been a goal for a while to make it to their Summer Solstice Party. This is essentially a huge party in the museum. How awesome an idea is that? The set up is tiered. If you are (or know someone who is) Mr. Moneybags you can start the party at 6pm (Eventide) for the $175 ticket. This will get you in for the whole night and includes food and open bar. The ticket prices drop the later in the evening you show up. If you’re unemployed like me you can get 20 dollar tickets.

(15 for us cus we be members’ bitches!)

This gets you in at 10pm and includes a cash bar, which is fine because we had a pregame plan. What? Simple: Find a parking space and the drink absinthe out of plastic glasses before walking over to the event.


Lindsay and Kat got all prettified and I wore my boring dress pants and shirt. Only Pig Man took over.


Within two minutes I was followed and pulled aside by 2 girls. They were pretty drunk (or on the edge of it) and wanted to know why I was wearing the pig nose. The only thing was I hadn’t officially come up with the story yet.

(I wasn’t even calling myself pig man yet.)
(or talking in third person.)

Both of them pulled me off the escalator and each held an arm. They were really close to my face and played with pig man’s nose.

Girl2: Is there a reason you’re wearing it?
(Pig Man shrugs.)
Girl1: Is it a statement?
Girl2: Or just accessory.
Pig man: Just my nose so an accessory I guess.
Girl1: Oh mah gosh.
Girl2: Nooooo it has to mean something. Like performance art or something.
Girl2: Yeahhh.
Pig man: Like for Sugardale?
Girl2: YES, It has to be for SOME reason.
Girl1: I think it’s so cute.
(Pig man see’s his wife waiting/looking for him.)
Girl1: Byyeeeee
Girl2: Byeeeeee

For the rest of the evening pig man referred to himself in third person.

“Pig man’s so hot in here he’s gonna turn into bacon soon.”
“Pig man thanks you for your kind words.”
“Pig man appreciates you holding the door for him.”

At another point out in the huge dancing crowd a woman came up to pig man and stroked his snout.

Snout stroker: I love your nose!
Pig man: I’m sorry baby pig man’s already got a wife.

Later on pig man entered the bathroom. As he saddled up to the urinal another dude noticed him.

Bathroom talker: Oh man you’re the guy wearing the pig nose they were talking about!
Pig man: This is pig man’s real nose Pig Man ain’t wearing no nose.
Bathroom talker: Awesome man!

I didn’t bring the camera because I didn’t want us carrying it around all drunk and etc. We did hit up their photo booth.

(A photo booth! How awesome is that?)


The whole night women (some drunk and some not) just had to touch my nose. Some grabbed it, some tapped it. So what did we learn? We have definitive proof that chick’s dig a guy in a pig nose.

Pig Man don’t mind one bit.


The one with genitals

January 25, 2011

Hey it’s Tuesday! That means something somewhere? Well over at Pursuit Blog it means Penis Tuesday! This week it also means that the lovely Mel has allowed me to write another guest post for her. Yeah a Penis Tuesday jimi style!

Who can resist that? Certainly not any of you—go read. I’ll wait.

Done? Good. In all honesty she is one of the best reads out there. Read her often if you didn’t already. Today I haven’t got much to write about. Well I do but as of late I’ve been struggling to put it to paper (or computer) in a way I like.

With the prospect of people finding this place for the first time because of the guest post I felt I should post something. I have a few (billionity) more NYC stories to share but that didn’t seem right. You can read one here,here, here and here.

So I took to my good old friends on the webby web for possible topics.

One person suggested I just write from the heart.


Have the ever read my blog?

Another suggested a penis themed post to match the guest post. This sort of made sense except I wouldn’t want something too similar to the guest post. Plus most penis posts are found in my TMI Thursday posts.

Carissa suggested I write a Vagina Tuesday in an attempt to even it out and keep things fair. This almost resulted in me spitting coffee onto my computer screen. It also resulted in me typing Vagina into a Google search.

Which showed me at VAG: Vagisil, vagabond, Vagus Nerve, vagifem and vag.

And surprisingly searching Google with the term vagina didn’t bring up to horrible a result. It did show me these right away:



See not too scary?

So I’ve often sometimes been known to build makeshift peens while out. You know like place a straw between two balled up napkins and etc. It is some good wholesome fun. I usually get a “James” out of the wife who is trying not to giggle.

My favorite time was when I made one like that and then wet small strips of napkin and then threw them at the wife. I of course made a squirty sound as I did it.

Hey this place isn’t titled From the Mature Seats!

AnySquirtyFakePenis this fun activity came (haha) to bite me the other night. We were at Luxe with Lindsay when I heard the familiar “Really James?” from the wifey. I was of course innocent and so inquired what she meant. She pointed to a knife that was placed neatly between the salt and pepper shaker.

This I assure you was quite by accident. I used the pepper (and they gave me the salt at the same time so as to not kill a sailor or whatever) and then placed it near my plate. After cutting up my chicken I neatly (and unaware of the result) placed my knife on the bread plate. It just happened to be between the shakers like a little metal penis.


Another friend suggested for this post I Google search “Urban Penis” and so I did. She thought this may bring up cool instances of the above but it really didn’t. I was giving up when I came across this:


You’re welcome.

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