The one with fingers

April 22, 2013

So I’ve been busy. I mean REAL busy. Okay, check that…just regular busy in case some of you are paying attention. God, you all are some Checky McCheckersons, aren’t you?

There has been:

More hours at work.
Finishing a 10 minute script for a play festival.
Working on my poetry manuscript.
Trying to find a publishing home for said script.
Reading script submissions.
Working on things around the house.
Being a man about town.

I know…excuses, excuses. You all are some Judgy McJudgersons, too. You don’t wanna read about why I’ve been too busy. You want to hear about the time I peed on my cookie? Too bad you’ll have to wait till TMI Thursday for that.

Instead I’ll give you another glimpse into the weirdness that is Jimi. At work (and everywhere really), I tend to have little games to keep me from going crazy.

Fine, crazier. Jerks.

Games  like the Force Field one.

This game usually takes place in the long hallways in the bowels of the museum. Throughout these halls are all manner of things. There are various tables waiting to go to or from storage, cases from the galleries and containers to ship the art. As I walk down these halls, I tend to pretend my fingers are a man—pointer and middle fingers are the legs. The upper body is all imagined—just go with it—and I make this finger-legged person walk across these various surfaces.

Then as these people get closer to the edge, they begin to run. Yes, they RUN toward the edge and certain doom. These finger-legged people are always suicidal. They willingly jump to their death—only mid leap, they regret it.

No, I don’t do their voices…that would be weird.

Okay fine, I do their voices.

 “I’m going to end it all!” (jump) “Oh, nooooo! What have I done? I want to live.”

They don’t live. On occasion they make it to the next table or container. Once more they run and jump. Again they wish they hadn’t but to no avail.

What could make this worse? The answer is a coworker catching me.

What could make that worse? Surely not me explaining what it is I was doing.

Yep. I explained it to them. They listened in what could only be described as a paralysis based on fear. 

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The one where I’m Scrooge McDuck

May 3, 2011

So if you read yesterday’s post (and you did because you are all faithful readers) you know 2 things. One we have an odd marriage (probably already knew that.) and two that I had an interview.

(The interview seemed to go pretty smoothly.)

The day started out like any other with some coffee and then breakfast: Generic Captain Crunch.

Yep Berry Kid’s Crunch.

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This of course led to generic top of mouth being crunked up.

That’s fine. It happens. I’ll take it in stride. Oh the cats spilled my coffee? That’s fine. I had to leave anyway. I throw on my Parnell’s hoodie and head on out into the sunny gray Cleveland day.

Are the gray skies an omen? Probably not, I mean Cleveland can be gray. The temp was just right at about 54 degrees. I can dig that. I put my sunglasses away and hit up my Pandora station. I was good to go. I got onto the bus and decided I’d rather read. Off came the headphones and out came the book. I noticed an older couple was eying me.

Old dude: You never see young people reading on the bus.
Old chick: I know. What’s he reading?
Old Dude: Oh it looks like he’s reading Poe!
(Yep it was a collection of Poe stories.)

I got downtown with about 30 minutes to spare before the interview. The sun greeted me as I stepped off the bus. It struggled clawing at the clouds but soon pushed them to the side. With a smile I pulled out my sun glasses. Wearing funky sunglasses always makes me feel better. They seem to boost my confidence. I walked around east fourth soaking the sun and people in. I leaned against a wall to jot a few lines of poetry down.

As I did this a man in an old Cleveland Indians jacket walked up to me. We made eye contact and I knew what was going to come next.

“Hey big man.”

Why do they always start that way with me? You probably know that I’m essentially a smurf. I mean I am small. No matter what guy is asking me for something it’s always “hey big man.” Or “big man let me ask ya something.” Is it just me or do they start the same way with others? Maybe they’re all fans of ironic nicknames? Perhaps they think it’ll make me more likely to give them some change. Maybe they think they’re helping me fulfill some “I wish I was taller” fantasy. It could be they’re calling me fat but that doesn’t seem like a smart technique. I dunno but it never fails.

Dude: Can I ask you for some help big man.
Me: You can but I’m not really in a position where I can help.
Dude: Those other people looked at me like I didn’t exist.
Me: That sucks.
Dude: I just need a couple of bucks today.
Me: I would but I spent all the cash I had on me on my bus pass.
Dude: I’m homeless but I’m still a person.
Me: I agree. I’m sorry.
Dude: I lost my job I just need a couple bucks.
Me: I’d help if I could. I lost my job too, down here trying to get a new one.
Dude: A dollar? Anything?
Me: I would if I had it but I don’t.
Dude: Bullshit you look like Mr. fucking Moneybags.
Me: Well you read me wrong. (I cross the street.)
Dude: LOOK EVERYONE THERE GOES MR. FUCKING MONEYBAGS. LOOK AT MR. MONEYBAGS WALK AWAY.

Yep he had me pegged. I’m a real Scrooge McDuck over here. Now if you’ll excuse me it’s time to go swim in my vault of gold coins.

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the one with a job search monster

January 31, 2011

So it seems as always the job monster attacks. It ruins any and everything in sight. It makes cups of coffee go cold and writing not get done. After applying to job after job I really don’t feel like writing. The cheap seats here seems to suffer the most, but my poetry and plays do too. I’ve taken the liberty of making a horrible paint shop drawing of how it happens.

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Top Ten Commercial list

March 13, 2009

This post has been a long time in the writing phase or in other words it was left in my blog folder to rot but here it is. Commercials can be really good or really bad. I’m going to focus on the good right now (spoiler alert worst commercial blog coming up soon.) Now these are the best commercials no debating needed (I mean in my opinion of course) that are from between 2006 and last year. Totally separate from the likes of the McDonald’s Filet o’ Fish ad of 2009 that would blow away the competition.

10. Brooke Shields Routan boom.

There’s an epidemic spreading and its hilarity. This commercial wrapped in the guise of a PSA was just the beginning. It was on the bubble but when I read so many nuts being angered by it, I just knew it had to crack my top ten.

9. Espn Monday Night Football Mc Hammer.

ESPN may do many bad things (read force feed us Chris Berman) but they hit the mark with a few of the MNF commercials. How can you go wrong with MC Hammer? It needs to be on here for the “Hammer don’t hurt him” line. Oh and Hammer just so you know it wasn’t my beeper that kept on beeping and beeping.

8. Jack Links Beef Jerky Messing with Sasquatch

One thing is for sure the creators weren’t messing around when they came up with this little gem. The whole set of “messing with sasquatch” ads are great. I went with the old shaving cream on the hand gag one because of its educational value. It can help sure that future generations know a classic way to get their sleep deprived friends. Just make sure if you do that they can’t clothesline you into next week.

7. Warren Wallace “into the wall” GEICO

Now I’m not a fan of racing but this commercial transcends it. This commerical came to win. The kid in it plays the lines beautifully. Well written and at least the gecko isn’t in them. “When it comes to Mike Wallace the story ends with me putting him into the wall.”

6. Mr. T World of Warcraft

Much like with MC Hammer one can never go wrong with putting Mr. T in a commercial. If this was a top ten of video game commercials list this one would beat down the competition. You never know Mr. T “may be pretty handy when it comes to computers.” I do know that I pity the fool who doesn’t think this commercial is funny.

5. Bruce Campbell “hungry like a wolf” Old spice

Bruce Campbell. Nothing more needs to be said.

4. Sony HD tv “I don’t like sports”

 It gets points from the get go for use of person in animal costume. The San Diego Chicken and Peyton Manning in one commercial is almost too much to handle. Their bit may end with “Chicken No!” but I’m say commercial yes!

3. N.P.H old spice commercial Neil Patrick Harris. What more can you ask for? This commercial is perscription strength awesome!

2. Berries and cream

Ah starburst makes an appearance. Their commercials are as off the wall as anyones. This is just plain awesome. You want a laugh or just odd looks break out with “I’m a little lad who loves berries and cream”. Brilliant I tell you! “Pardon me what kind of starburst did you just say? Ber…berries and what else?” I wasn’t a fan of the berries and cream starburst but I’m a little lad that loves berries and cream commercial!

1. Skittles singing rabbit

This just may be the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. It has it all. Culture (the opera singing) use of animals, emotion (the pain of losing his skittles) tension (will he get them back?) and even action (running in the rain). Hell even a bit o violence (the rabbit really gets him good).Skittles probably need to be crowned Kings of the commercial world. Now this one in particular gets special treatment for the sentimental value it has (we imitated the bunny all throughout or VACA in Chicago.) It wins mostly because there is a singing rabbit and there will never be a time I won’t laugh when seeing it. Plus the bunny bites him at the end!


Yes, Cleveland has a soccer team

July 4, 2008

And frankly they’re not half bad. Their name is the Cleveland City Stars. The team, which play their matches at Krenzler Field was founded in 2006. The are a member of the USL Second Division (which is the lower Division) and played their inaugural season in 2007. They came out of the gate hot winning their first 9 matches. They ended the season undefeated at home taking the 2nd seed in the playoffs. They eventually lost to eventual Second Division Champions Harrisburg 1-0. The banner first season didn’t go unnoticed–at least by the USL.  After the season they may not have had a championship trophy but their case was still filled. The franchise took home:

USL-2 Defender of the Year (Mark Schulte)
USL-2 Coach of the Year (Martin Rennie)
USL-2 Executive of the Year (Mark Geissbauer)
Marketing Excellence Award
USL Rookie Franchise of the Year

A promising beginning that had a familiar theme for Cleveland fans (there’s always next year). What was next for the club? A T.V deal of course. On April 7, 2008, the City Stars announced a deal with SportsTime Ohio that will see all of the team’s home games aired on the station. Each match will air tape delayed on game night. Replays will be aired on Sundays. Play-by-play and color commentary will be provided by Desmond Armstrong, 1994 World Cup TV commentator and former US national team player, and Glen Duerr, a former City Stars player.

The City Stars are owned by Cleveland Soccer Foundation, a 501 non for profit organization. They have a mission an a motto–“Serving the city, changing the world.” They hold free clinics in cities around Cleveland.

In 2008 they’ve played been near the top of the table as well. Currently they’re in second place with 23 points (after 13 matches) 5 points behind the Charlotte Eagles.  At home the Green Army has gone 3-0-3 scoring 9 goal while allowing only 1. Average attendance in 2007 was about 1,417. The team played the Columbus  Crew to a 2-2 draw in a reserve friendly. The Crew needed a late score to secure the draw. They moved into the third round of The Lamar Hunt U.S. Open cup, but their goal of defeating an MLS club fell short when they lost 4-1 to Chicago Fire.

Next up for the Cleveland City Stars is a return home to face Western Mass Pioneers. It takes place Friday with a matinée start time of 3 pm.


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