Sleeping with my wife Part VII: The New Blood

March 1, 2011

Hello,
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?

I’ll give you a moment to recover from the vague Pink Floyd reference or the coughing fit caused by the dust of 10 straight days without a post. Go on take your time.

(Don’t take your time we haven’t got all day. I’m sure YOU should be working.)

(Slackers!)

As you know (from the title) it’s time for another installment of slepping with my wife. You also would see that I’m still awesome at making vague horror movie references!

No my wife is not Jason Voorhees.

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Today we return to the fertile ground that is my lovely wife. It’s her birthday tomorrow so wish her a happy birthday on twitter!

Last Friday night was a very weird night. I want you to know I resisted the urge to quote the Katy Perry song ‘Last Friday Night’ there.

It was hard though.

(That’s what she said!)

Swoon. So hot.

(Shut up)

Okay so last Friday (during the day) was mostly uneventful. I was mostly searching for jobs and battling the gloom bug. Around the time the wifey came home (about 4:45 or so) I decided I’d be taking a nap. That really turned out ugly and I slept essentially till 8. Grub and tv time followed.

The time came to get into bed.
(Bow chikka bow wow)

The wifey (as most usually) was asleep pretty much as soon as her head hit the pillow. I had a bit more trouble, which of course made sense. I after all did sleep like 4 hours during the afternoon. The only problem was I was VERY sleepy. I felt like I could sleep for days but sleep never came. I was a lump of wide awakeness on the bed. The kitties joined me but they too quickly went right to sleep.

I was alone.
All alone.
(You say awwww now.)
(Do it.)

I listened to sports radio. I got up and had some water. I tried my left side, I tried my right side. Nada. I got up and watched some bad TV and did a little bit o writing. A very little bit. I got back in bed. I was still just a lump of sleeplessness. Then as I tried to plunder dream land the wife sat up.

Then she got off the bed. She stood there for a split second and then began to chuckle.

Me: Something funny.
Her: Yeah.
(Chuckles.)
Me: Gonna share?

(Now she’s on the move. She went around the bed and stopped near the door. She laughs some more.)

Her: I can’t believe I forgot. So much to do. (Laughs.)
Me: What are you doing?
Her: I forgot about it.

(She goes out of the bedroom and looks back in. Then she slowly closes the door.)

Me (to one of our cats): Should I go get her Rasputin?
Rasputin: ….
Me: Good answer.

(About a minute or so later she came back in.)

Me: What were you doing?
Her: I don’t know…I thought….

Then she was in bed and back to sleep. I however didn’t sleep again until about 9 in the morning. She apparently had a dream that people from work were coming over and she forgot about it. She thought she needed to get busy cleaning because they’d be there soon.

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Sundays with Ginsberg

October 22, 2010

I know. I know another cheapy post with a poem. Those of you who hate poetry I’m sorry. I’m working on some new posts and hope to have one up this weeked–or at least something. Until then have a great Friday and again any thoughts (good or bad) welcomed.

Sundays with Ginsberg

 
Pockets and pockets filled with pills.

We dined on tables, made of trash cans turned upside down;

to see the truth in everything. Poems and cognac covered the ground.

We ate our weight in chicken wings and

left finger shaped BBQ stains on the couch

oozed with bodies as the sun rose and slept crept in the window

witches were drawn in ashes. I named mine Piqué.

It started a chorus of boos and murmurs. She was the bell of the ball

-ed up condoms became art. And when my wife called I almost always took it.


The one with Vodka and hate

October 18, 2010

The night progressed as every other night fueled by free vodka would. This is to say much quicker than normal. It started with me not going and then somehow ending up on a bar stool drinking Finlandia next to the two people I’m always drinking with.

On my left there was an open seat and the bar was occupied by my star wars bag which I instinctively held anytime someone, not refilling my empty glass came near. The bartenders were nice, attentive and generous with the vodka. I made two new friends that evening.

Finlandia Tangerine and Finlandia Mango.

Mr. Grapefruit wasn’t too bad either. We only met through other acquaintances though.

There were shots. Plenty of them actually. I know that the number of shots I had was plenty because the guy in the bathroom told me so. Me and the nice warmth slowly filling my head made our way to the bathroom. I pushed the door open with what felt an inappropriate amount of surrealism. It swung open too easily and with a force that bolstered my ego. The music the DJ refused to let die faded just a bit. My thoughts were once again free.

“I am superman” I thought! Shook my head strongly no, not superman he is a douche nozzle.

“Why would you choose Superman?” damn you thoughts and your warm blanket of vodka. First you choose my arch enemy and then you try to overthrow my mind and accuse me of the horrible crime you in fact committed.

“Did I ask that out loud?” Damn.

Oh man did I ask the Superman question out loud? No I couldn’t have, because surely if I had there would be someone in here to hear it. Of course there was nobody in there with me. It was just me, my rebellious thoughts, the Finlandia and the sticker of someone’s face inside the urinal.

The room was one step from the bathrooms with one weak light bulb swinging from a chain you see in horror movies. The walls sported the typical bar restroom graffiti. What would we do if there weren’t any drunken sentences scrawled on the walls? The thing that always gives me pause (and did yet again that night) is the words carved into the mirrors. This act would involve effort. Said “artist” would have to crawl up in some instances and at the very least leaning over an endlessly wet sink. Plus the work it has to take to cut into it.
I stood in there soaking the entire room up. Not that there was much. Said mirror with all sorts of meaningless things etched into it. A pink flyer leaned on the side wall like a drunk. I kicked open the stall door and I’m still not sure why.

Nothing of note.

Just a bit of toilet paper looped lovingly over the handle. Suddenly the stall was filled with sex. I could see the shoed foot pushing up against where the stall and its door connected. It pumped. The leg bent and lengthened. Her dress pulled up and tucked with a neatness not matching what was happening.
I was writing a poem starring into the stall at bar on Coventry. Was this actually happening? My notebook was out and I was scribbling away. I heard the music start to get loud and turned. The poem would have to wait. I stepped up to the sink and slid my notebook into my bag. It thumped in against my leg and a line screamed out.

“Hey buddy nice night huh?” That was the dumbest line I ever heard.

“Deep in thought?” the intruder continued. He was wearing skinny jeans and a “Killers” shirt. Over this he wore a button up shirt, unbuttoned and yet somehow still tucked in. I explained off that I was lost in a poem. He nodded and grunted an approving-esque sound.

“Hey we shared a shot together didn’t we?”As I dried my hands he made his way over. His eyes were brown and he wore beat up Adidas. I knew he’d be the guy banging the girl in my poem. He’d let her pay for the shots and then fuck her talentlessly in the one dirty bathroom stall of a men’s room. She’d have to finish herself in the parking lot after the two minute warrior was long gone. I hated him. I wanted him to shut up. I wanted out of here. I wanted my glass refilled, and the warmth in my head to burn brightly instead.
The free vodka hour was over though.

“Uhm yeah I think the whole bar got shots.” I said.

“Right. Who was the girl that did it?” He shifted. I really hoped he wasn’t getting any that night.

“The bartender?”

“She bought them?” It was a gargley voice. It was as if each letter poured out of his throat. Did he whisper wet nothings into her ear as he used her? Surely she’d vomit all over his checkered shirt?

“Well the bar bought them.” I hate you. “The girls on the other side of the bar asked for them and the bartender included us all.” I hope yours was poisoned!

“Oh.” He washed his hands with a violence that was almost pretty. Water splashed the floor, the mirror and him. “I only got one shot. What about you?”

“4.” I felt the warmth being taken over by the coldness in my chest. I would not write the poem if he was portrayed in a good light. Muse be damned.

“That’s plenty.” He wiped his fucking hands on his jeans. “Don’t you think?”

“I could always use more.”

I pulled my ninja turtle stocking cap down tight around my head. I’d trap the disdain inside there if I could.


The recap where I’m lazy

August 30, 2010

The weekend has once again come and passed. I didn’t want Monday to show its face and ruin everything. I dreaded it all night. Okay pause. I just wanted all you employed folk to feel better about your dreading and dragging. Me? I’m sitting here in my boxers sipping coffee and listening to the radio. What is Monday?
Anyunemployed the weekend was not really filled at all. I think I left the apartment 3 times since Friday.
Yeah I’m lazy I’ve learned to love and accept it. Saturday we headed over to Astound! to finally make our comic book run and I had 40 bucks of comic books waiting for me.

Friday meant it was time to see Lou Motherflipping Barlow. The show rocked the Grog for something like 2 hours. It was awesome. It was way fun to hang with Silliebean and the lovely Camilla. It was fun yelling “do it” at Lou Barlow with her. It was also fun to hear her heckle someone she likes.

Good times.

Such as silliebean leaning in and telling Camilla’s friend that she heard that the people from Great Lakes Brewing Company are dicks and he replied:

I work there.

It was awesome! Now pictures:

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Yeah that’s all. I did say I was lazy. If you haven’t read the other story from Friday night read it here.

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The one where I should cut n paste

August 23, 2010

Before I fully get started a bit of business. I want you to head on over to the B Movie Brigade to check out the latest Monday’s Maniac by yours truly. Follow the brigade on twitter @bmoviebrigade!

With that done shall we recap one another?

Don’t worry I’ve been tested.

Well Friday you can read about it in this post from Saturday. It’s quite a fun post.

(I can’t actually back that statement up)

Saturday like most of the previous ones included a whole lot of sitting down and doing nothing. The wifey dropped the car off to have it checked out for the 3 shillelaghs big roadie to Key West. This caused some great concern and some anxious moments. News came back of what needed to be taken care of and now we wait to see how much it is.

Ah waiting is so fun isn’t it?

Anyhatewaiting I watched some nice soccer yet again. I really should just start cutting and pasting these things.

Can you say phone it in!

After the EPL match I managed to get some writing in. The MIL (I need to give her a nickname because MIL makes me want to type MILF and well I won’t be going there) wanted to take me to dinner as a late b-day dinner. We headed over to the Aladdin’s for some grub. Sticking to (and getting back on track with) the diet I had a Shish Kabob salad. I ordered it with the Tahini Yogurt Dressing (like always) but with a side of the Zesty Sweet Tomato one too. I had been interested in trying that one and felt it was time to pull a “do it already jimi!” It was a delish meal. Here is a pic snapped before devouring it:

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Looked exactly like that except more like an actual salad and less like a man with veggies on. Plus you know like not at all. That is from ATHF by the way. If you don’t like that show I will break up with you.

Like seriously.

We had a nice long talk with ILM (In law mother) which was cool because it’d been a while since we had one. Plus you know I don’t turn down free stuff.

Afterwards we (wifey and I) went back home and I planted myself in front of the tube to watch the Browns pre season game. Watching lead to this exchange:

Disclaimer: I don’t normally yell at pre season games.
Me: Oh come on jeez!
Wife (from other room): What?
Me: Sports.
(She made me institute a rule of saying sports after yelling at the TV so she knows nothing “real” is wrong.)
Wife: See this is why I hate you watching football.
Me: Why?
Wife: You yell so much.
Me: I yell at soccer.
Wife: No you don’t
Me: True. NOW SHUT THE HELL UP I’M WATCHING FOOTBALL*

*That didn’t actually happen. Don’t send me anymore emails about my wife leaving me angry email sender it hurts my feelings**

**It doesn’t actually.

We then headed over to the Capitol theatre to see “This is Spinal Tap.” Oh man there is nothing better than seeing a movie you love on the big screen and for 5 bucks. That was at midnight. When we got home and settled down it was about 3 am and we hit the hay.

Sunday started off as one big fail. First I woke up about 10am to a wicked headache. Then the cable remote wasn’t working. Once I got that taken care of the TV wouldn’t work right. Finally I got all 3 to obey me.

Soccer time yeah!

Then a trip to Aldi’s which was only worth mentioning because of the young kid there. He was walking around pointing this like lollipop necklace thing at people going:

“laser. Laser.”

I do believe he was shooting people (including the wife and I) with it.

Awesome and funny.

Of course Sunday was time for the finally Marx Bros movie being played at the Cleveland Cinematheque. Good time as always. Watch em bishes (and you thought you’d get away without me using that!) cause they’re great.

Once home we settled in together to be romantical. Syfy was showing Predator 2 and we snuggled up. Okay actually she was cleaning up around the living room but we snuggled up in spirit and soul. Interesting note: It stars Maria Conchita Alonso who we saw in The Vagina Monologues.

She found a card from me that had this in it: ‘I wouldn’t change what we have for all the tiny magical gnomes I could fit into a suitcase.”

I dropped some poetical shit on you bishes (haha 2 now!) with that line there.

Hope you had a good weekend and feel like telling me about it. DO IT!

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Is this recap on?

August 16, 2010

And here we go. We need to rush right into the weekend recap because there was so much going on.

Wait I mostly sat on my couch all weekend?

Okay then. Those days can be good too. You know just sitting on the couch with your sweetie relaxing.

Oh it was mostly sitting on the couch with my laptop by myself? Well okay then.

Look can we just get through this recap without you asking so many questions? I mean rude. Give me a chance without all these accusations you keep throwing at me. I don’t need this type of abuse!

Anynotfunnyjoke the weekend was a strange mixture of doing things and sitting around. Friday night we had tickets to the Beck Center for the Arts production of ‘The Producers’. There will probably be a bigger post with my thoughts on the show tomorrow (no promises!) It was a fun time though. From there we made our way over to Parnell’s Pub to help the two soon to be newlyweds celebrate but since that plays is like 3 hours long we of course missed them. It was still a good time as always and we celebrated (read drank) with them in spirit. The wifey had 2 Strongbow and got a cute little buzz. She normally holds it better than that but it’s cute when she gets a little loopy up there.

Bed time a robust (what the what?) 2:30am.

And then Saturday we slept till noon. Yeah, for no real reason I slept that late and because of it woke up with a headache. This was a day for complete and utter uselessness. The wifey was on the phone with Dell for a long while (shocking I know.) I tried to get some writing done and shake the headache. I watched some English Premier League matches. We enjoyed our new French press.

Later in the day we went to see A night at the Opera (Marx Brothers bishes) at the Cinematheque. I’m digging the Cinematheque. A good place to watch flicks you can’t find elsewhere and you can bring your own food and drink into the theatre. I still don’t think the membership is all that worth it though but I love the place.

And I’m the Mayor bishes! (I’ll wait while you all yell your hatred for 4square out)

Afterwards we went home and had some delicious dinner. Of course the meal following the diets guidelines of:

1 protein
1 veggie
2 cups of lettuce
1 fruit

4 pounds lost last week which can be added to the previous 6 to make a decent start. Long ways to go but I know that and plan to make it there. It’s been easier this time because the wife has made a good variation of what we can have.

They say variety is the best way to make money in the prostitute business.

Something similar to that. Anyhooking from there we went to you guessed it Parnell’s! This time it was to meet some friends who now live out of this awesome state. We had a few drinks and a bunch of laughs. I got a few good overheard tidbits too. From there it was pretty much home and to bed.

Bed time: 1:00am

Sunday we woke up earlier but it was a lazy day for me (what else is new?) as I watched some more EPL and tried to write. I mostly just worked on some editing and what not which counts.

Right?
Right?
Is this thing on?

The wife did some cleaning and of course there was the Star Wars marathon on Spike TV. I can’t pass up Star Wars. It was fun to see her bust out with the appropriate famous line for whatever scene was on when she entered the room.

By fun I mean hot. Sexy sexy.

Anynerd then we went to her dad’s house for some grub and family time. Which is always fun, especially since he floated the idea of us going to a Brown’s game. We headed to the big bird for some quick fix to a food for the next day problem. Then we came home made sure to dvr the roast of Hasselhoff and I watched the end of Summerslam.

She went to bed pretty early and I stayed up writing and then doing the dishes.
Don’t ask.

Then I wrote out a post card to send to my Uncle who is in jail. It’s been a while since wev’e talked and I wanted a quick way for him to get something to know I’m thinking of him.

How was your weekend?

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The one where I recap my birthday

August 9, 2010

Gather round kiddies. It’s time for the weekly recap of the weekend. Now this one was pretty packed like the previous weeks—what is it summer or something? Of course if you pay attention (and you should because there may be a test eventually) you’ll notice that I continually keep doing the same things over and over.

Bar
Marx Brothers movie
Bar
Cult Movie
Art Lecture
Hobo Killing

Uhm…I mean…so….yeah you get the point. I likes what I likes so there. This week was a bit different because as I ranted about here it was my 32nd birthday. Interestingly in that b-day post I don’t think I actually mentioned my age. I got asked about it a lot (understandably being my birthday and all) this weekend. Usually like this:

Person(s): So how does 32 feel?
Me: Pretty much the same as 31?
Person(s): Hahaha yeah.

I mean I’ve not changed that much. I’ve firmly held onto the notion that we have no choice in growing old but growing up is optional. I know you can hardly tell I refuse to give up not growing up.

That is not the point of the post tho. Oh no this is the all important what I did over the weekend recap post. This goes beyond the debate of growing up vs. growing old. Who did I see? Who did I not see? (What?) Where did we see each other and so on.

Friday was a fun day. I mean of course it was my birthday and all. It started with a minus though. I had to have pants on early morning but at least it was for a good cause!

Cupcakes!

Yeah the wifey bought me some Banana Crème w/ Cinnamon Honey butter cream frosting cupcakes from the awesome LaBella Cupcakes. They are divine. If you are in the Cleve-o area you must try them. I can’t wait till they open their store!

The rest of the day I spent checking out possible writing gigs, applying to jobs and then drinking whiskey. Yeah whiskey during the day, you got a problem with that? No in fact some of you were trying to get me to drink earlier. I had a nice little buzz going by 2pm. Not a full on buzz but a nice warm and fuzzy feeling.

Later that night we went to Reddstone for some grub, drinks and good times. The group that helped celebrate my b-day was: Kat, Pelvic Joann, Alicia, Camilla, The Rizza, Dave, and the Pole Smoker. There were cameos by Craig and I got to meet someone new from twitter (JDDrake) The festivities included 8 dollar grape bombs shots courtesy the love Rizza. Yeah 8 freaking dollars! The company was good even if the pricing seemed to border on the not so fun. We spent most of the night there chatting, taunting and so forth. There was this statement:

We were discussing being drunk. I went to explain how you can tell on twitter when I start quoting rap lyrics, only it came out like this)

Me: You can tell when I’m queer—
Yeah that was good for some laughs. There were these:

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(Me, Alicia, Camilla and Dave)

And this gem of a picture:

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(Me and the pole smoker.)

Now I’d have more pictures (and there are some) but it is more important to me to have a good time than to snap fashionable pictures. From there we headed over to Parnell’s Pub. I felt it was only right to celebrate at least part of my birthday there. I had 3 jack and gingers and then we headed home. Not before Camilla grabbed my picture and took some very drunk pictures.

Pics included: half a phone, a few elbows, 3 cheeks, a chin, half a head, and me looking down.

Saturday was mostly spent at home reading, writing and watching tv while recovering from the night before. The wifey had a call back and when she returned we headed over to Duck Soup at the Cinematheque. From there we hit up Chipotle for dinner. Here we got to witness a group of plain clothes cops walking around like they just got out of the latest Bad Boys flick. They were walking with a swagger, badges hanging around their neck and bullet proof vest. Then there were the 30 something guys creeping on some chicks in their late teens. Here is one interaction:

Creeper 1: Hey you going to get the new iphone?
Girl 1: Nah.
Creeper 1: Here you want mine? Here you go. I’ll trade you for your burrito bowl. HAHA.
Girl 1: Right.
Creeper 2: He just wanted to show off.
Girl 2: Right.
Creeper 1: So what are your plans for tonight?
Silence.

Yeah and when the girls got up to throw away their shit and leave, the two creepers practically got them pregnant with their eyes. From there we went over to Parnell’s for a quick drink and then went to see Pulp Fiction.

Jimi Factoid #1: He has seen Pulp Fiction 59 times now.

Sunday (that’s my funday. My I don’t have to runday) we did some much needed shopping and a bit o relaxing. I got a couple of frames for some autographs I had.

Bernie Kosar
Anderson Varejao
And Mother fucking Raven. (sorry)

Then we headed over to her dad’s house. He was making me dinner for my birthday. He made dolmades and some Spanakopita. They were delish and a fine way to end a week. Today we start a diet that I won’t go into detail about but it isn’t my favorite. I can probably parlay this into wifely favors but will probably waste those by making her go to local wrestling shows.

A side note since I started doing Yoga for Regular Guys consistently again and walking more and eating less I’ve lost 6 pounds. Go me.

That sentence sucked but oh well.

How the bleep was your weekend?

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