when snot attacks

August 19, 2010

Gather round everyone. Yes come closer and prepare to be entertained and enlightened. Oh and by entertained and enlightened I mean grossed out (probably) and wishing they no longer read me (more likely).

The family (and maybe most of you others) will be glad to know that this post is sex free. Although the post still has penis in it. Hooray Penis! Oh man that really came out wrong.

(that’s what she said!)

Anypenis (damnit I’m straight I promise) I should set the scene a little bit. It’s a hot muggy Cleveland night. The wife is ready for bed and I decide it’d be good to go be a good husband and snuggle with her till she falls asleep. My allergies had been acting up a little during the day and a bit worse at night but right before bed time they went all terminator on me. It was horrible. My nose felt like it was filled to bursting and no matter how I blew nothing came out.

(That’s what she said)

It was permanently stuffed (twss) and getting really annoying. I was tossing and turning the whole night and making horrendous sounds as I tried to breathe. It was gross and annoying. Eventually I tumbled headlong into dreamland. I woke up around 4 my nose still stuffy and sinus pressure building. I got up to make a sissy.

Side note: I like to use the phrase “make a sissy” to say peeing because it bothers the wife. Yeah I’m a nice guy like that. She married me.

So as I’m peeing I can no longer take this nose that feels like a stuffed pepper. I reach for a tissue and blow my nose. The only problem is as I blew there was considerable collateral damage. That’s right we lost two fingers as they were covered in a nasty string of snot. I tossed the tissue that as the front line of defense let the rest of the troops down into the toilet. Of course now I had to deal with the wounded troops of my right hand.

Sleepily I decided to fling the enemy snot into the toilet. It would’ve worked fine too if it was for those meddling kids or you know if the snot hadn’t landed right on my wang.

I had to work wang into it at least once.

(That’s right you guessed it: That’s what she said.)

So it sort of went like this:

Fling. Splat.

Me: Oh…oh…you evil enemy bastard. You dare bring this to our shores?

You see and you thought I only act/talk like that on here. Oh no it happens 24/7 baby. So I cleaned off my totem pole and sort of just stood there sleepily thinking. You know thinking about how this is gonna be a tmi post someday. Then the enemy began to attack again. I tried to clear my nose and breathing in but all that did was help the enemy infiltrate my throat. The enemy made its slimy way into my mouth and I decided it was time for a swift attack. I was gonna kill them quick and easy. I looked down at the enemies soon to be pee watery grave and spat.

Sabotage!

Like 24 this seemed to help their secret other plan along. It landed you guessed it write on my jimmy crack corn. In case you are wondering why it was not safely tucked away—it’s because I sleep naked. It’s factoid #2. Scene:

Thibbt. Splat.
Me: Fuck! The villainy!

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So after another cleaning of the bishop in a turtleneck I headed back to bed.

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The one where Egyptian stuff is cool

August 11, 2010

As I mentally prepared myself for the next lecture at Cleveland Museum of Art I have to (decided to despite being horrible at it) chronicle I realized that I never reviewed the last one. I know (I know) the uproar was crazy but fear not because here it is.

There was something different about this lecture. We got there with about 10 minutes (or so) to wait. The room was pretty filled (more than the other lectures) and people kept coming in. It was louder in there as people chatted and laughed. There were the few regulars, which I suppose include the wife and me. There was the old guy with the crazy hair, the slow question asker and the “doesn’t know how to give a compliment” guy. This time we weren’t the youngest in the crowd because there appeared to be some students and a few children. There was a buzz in the crowd—though mostly the sound of chatter you get with a bigger crowd. The bigger crowd could only mean two things.

1. Egyptian shit is cool

Or

2. Lauren is way popular.

Yes the rizza was in attendance. I believe the conversation that lead to the three of us attending went like this:

Rizza: What is the next lecture about?
Me: The Egyptian Collection in 2010: New discoveries, new perspectives.
Rizza: OMG. Putting it in my calendar now.

As we waited for it to begin I prepared for it by asking myself several important questions. Such as:

Does he/she resemble someone in a movie?
Does he/she make me think of random unrelated movie scenes?
Does he/she have an accent?
Do I look good in that picture (the lovely Alicia snapped a pic with her phone)?

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Not too bad—the wifey looks way cute.

The first obstacle to get over was the fact that he did not resemble anyone from any movies. Even worse
there were no movie scenes coming to mind. Oh well steady the ship and just follow your notes. The man giving the lecture was Lawrence M. Berman, consulting curator of Egyptian Art. He has quite the long title (That’s what she said!) He left us for Boston.

Boo! Hiss! Get out of here with your Chowdah! Just get in that Cah of yours and leave.

Oh wait he’s a curator and not a baseball, basketball or football player. Never mind then. These were all literal notes I wrote down. I think I was about to do a little drawing of a bean when he said:

“It amazes me to think” and then paused. This was written with a chuckle in my notebook with a “Yes!” next to it. Another difference between this one was he was the only speaker to drink.

And slur.
Heyooooooooo!

That’s not true he didn’t slur. Seriously though he wasn’t drunk and was very good. I’m sure it was just water in there. I for some reason did chronicle the sips he took for some reason.

He brought up his first slide (2nd sip.) I didn’t make any notes on this slide—why would I? Afterlife was in the back row of 4 objects and I’ve seen the afterlife be shown in the background of more than few pieces. Did I make a note of this? Not really instead I noted: “I wonder if the afterlife gets to 2nd base often back there.”

Then there was the Striding statue of Minnifer (1936).

The 3rd sip brought us a comment about Indiana Jones. The slide brought this note: “I love that scene when the dude does the whole flashy routine with the scimitar only to be shot by Indy.” Followed by “Indy hates snakes yo!” and no there were no snakes on the slide.

Fourth sip in.

This note is not necessarily in order of the lecture: there was also a slide of grave sites that made me note “Looks like a giant peanut butter cookie.” I’m not quite sure why. It was more of an aerial view if I remember correctly. Then he read from a diary (possibly Anne Frank’s? Not likely but I don’t really know any other famous diaries) I know I know that was horrible. It was actually the diary of the people doing the dig/archiving and what not.

Notes on this include: Boring—who writes these things? They thought they were so cool with their facts and figures and drawings. Not one person died or betrayed someone in the diary.

5th sip. He said huge, enormous, bigger, and large a lot. Ladies you know who you want to party with. They always say once you go curator…

….you get your ass educated.

What the hell?

Oh oh a Google maps joke! See Egyptian artifacts can be topical. And it’s about this point where he appears to remind me of Woody Allen. (Don’t ask)

There were relics from the Tomb of Nyankhnesut. Some slides of plowing and flute playing but not in the sexual way. (It was important to note in my notes that it was not sexually) Things really picked up with A 3300 year old tomb being rediscovered at Saqqara. It went 125 years (if I’m reading the chicken scratch I wrote correctly, because I’m too lazy to search to find out) since it’s discovery.

Vizier Mereruka, who was married to the King´s eldest daughter. In time, Mereruka became the high priest of Teti´s mortuary cult. Then in an hour long special on ESPN the tomb announced itself and will soon be playing for the Miami Heat.

Oh that joke hurts so good.

During this part he was much more excited (that’s what she said) than the other speakers. You can feel his passio—

Oh oh he said “star gate” he’s going to get sued!

That was literally how my note looked. It came (twss) in the middle of the previous sentence.

6th sip He went on to “Shipwrecked Sailor” slides. The story is of a sailor that gets shipwrecked (who would have guessed?) on an Island and is soon visited by a serpent. Basically picture Tom Hanks minus the volley ball and dancing. The serpent gets this note: Cobra Commander with a beard.

I was interested in the “Paint Box of Vizier Amenemope”

Dude was like the Chief Justice of a supreme court if he was stapled to Voltron. I believe the explanation of this was the fact that he had several “jobs” or “roles” rolled into one thing? I really dug this slide and had just recently spent time looking at in the actually gallery.

My doodle:

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Real one (from the wonderful CMA site. Visit them!):

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Colors: red (desher), green (wadj), blue (khesbedj and irtiu), and 2 blacks.

Notes in section include: Master of secrets. Overseer of city and Even Kings have paint boxes. A lot of Ooh and ohhs being murmured: See previous note about partying with curators.

Went on to some slides of Model Cheetah Skins. They were 8 ½ inches long with painted spots. Statues often wore cloaks—you know like in Mannequin? Much was discussed about Ra—the Sun God. Way back up there one was a High Priestess of Ra.

Okay let’s try to bring this home as gently as possible because the last notes go like this:

Ah in this slide 2 baboons sing Rage Against the Machine to the Sun God. This should be a story of creation. Oh it ended with about 8 sips in case you cared. The lecture was very interesting and I don’t do it just—good lord if you thought I was trying then all hope is lost!

Some notes not used:

Should conclude his lecture with a naked finger biting child or naked finger biting god/boy.
Howard Carter (finder of artifacts) related to Gary Carter? (HOF Catcher)
Made of metal—Like a smaller Decipticon.
Priest of Ra—Wu Tang Clan bitches!
Mr. Toomy—(Langolier joke needs to be thought up)

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It’s a RECAP! or My first week unemployed

March 22, 2010

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Run! Gooo. Get to the choppa! ( I use this so much that I finally added “choppa” to the Microsoft word dictionary.)

I’m sorry I’m mixing my movie jokes again.

So my time as unemployed has begun. Like you couldn’t tell, but I digress. It’s been a weird week. I did some writing which was important. Did I make an all out breakthrough with anything? No, not really. I did do a good chunk of writing though and I managed to make some headway in the mess that is the currently play.

Organization is apparently an important thing.

I’ve made some goals. Goals are good right? I mean in soccer they are so they gotta be for me right? Cleveland Public Theatre (A local theatre here) will be receiving lots of scripts and etc from me in the near future. Also I need to be smart and take part in their ‘Dark Room’. It is held on the second Tuesday of every month and I think will be a great tool for any writer and/or actor. Actors and writers show up to a place where there is free Magic Hat beer (!) and writers bring 10 pages of writing to be read. Everyone gets together and bam just like that writers get to hear what their words sound like. Inconceivable!

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Sorry I did that whole random quote thing again. It does bring me to the next thing I did which was go see The Princess Bride at the @capitolw65th. It is part of their late shift that shows cult classic movies twice a month. It was a good time and provided some nice ‘Put my arm around my wife and laugh time’ that can be hard to come by sometimes. The late shift is a good time and cheap. You get some good times (either because you enjoy the movie or because it’s so bad you enjoy laughing at it) and it only cost 5 bucks. They do a good job of making it a fun time. They’ve had cake, ice cream, candy, dress ups and giveaways.

Most of the week has been sitting on my ass. Which yes has been a good thing but it’s also sucked a bit. The main problem was that the unemployment started right as March Madness did. I’ve not been able to watch all of the games in a long time and did not plan accordingly. The weather was nice enough to take walks but since I went about my routine of writing when I wake up I’d miss the chance. I’d write till it was time for the games to begin and by then it was too late to take a walk. My ass rapidly became sore (That’s what she said!) from sitting so damn much.

St. Patrick’s Day has always been fun for me. This year was one where I didn’t have to take it off to have the fun. The wife made cupcakes that are clear proof of Gods existence.
Or that she makes tasty things. Anycupcake. What she made was chocolate Guinness cupcakes with Irish whiskey Ganache filling and bailey’s butter cream frosting. Defuckinglightful! Dinner consisted of Beef and Guinness stew also defuckinglightful. The night consisted of spending time with Julie, Brandon Lindsay and my lovely wifey at Parnell’s Pub. A real fricking Irish Pub! You don’t get no car bombs or green fricking beer at this place. What do you get? Well I got a shirt that says it has the best head in Cleveland. Yeah!

Oh yeah filed for unemployment.

Beachland Brunch on Sunday with Julie, Marc, Brandon, and the wifey was tasty as ever. The wife and I shared a Bloody Ninja bloody Mary there. Yeah I k now the name is awesome! I’m happy that I’m mixing it up with new people. I don’t have many people I let it and I sort of make it hard to get to know me, but I think my group is expanding.

Yeah Progress!

So to sum up: Filing, Sitting, writing, sitting, sitting, sitting, Drinking, shirt buying, cupcakes, stew, sitting, friends, sitting, reading, writing, basketball, basketball, basketball, soccer, sitting, The Princess Bride, sitting, Brunch, sitting,


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