TMI Thursday: Toilet Water Edition

December 23, 2010

It’s a Festivus Miracle! This makes two straight days with a post. Now will see how long that last. I’m a very busy person you know. Some of us have to go to work and all…oh wait. Never mind. Not only is a second straight day with a post but it is the return of TMI Thursday. I mean you know it’s been like 2 whole weeks or so since I’ve written one.

Yeah and you continue to ride on the coattails of Lilu.

(Shut up! But you know go read her stuff cus she is a lot funnier than me.)
(You didn’t need to agree so easily with that last statement.)

AnyLosingAllCredibility this happened a few weeks back. It turns out that my wife is one talented actress and my sister (Lisa) is one crazy lady. Now for the record I knew both of these things already. They just confirmed the thoughts. The wife was in the middle of her run as Chorus member, Monica Lewinsky and Eleanor Roosevelt in Hillary: A Modern Greek Tragedy with a (somewhat) Happy Ending. Now my crazy sister decided she’d fly up (from FLA) and enjoy our wintry weather. She flew up for the last weekend of shows to see one.

I know crazy.

This is all of course set up—set up that technically happened after the actual tmi event. I know we’re like messing with the space time continuum here. We be getting our freaky science fiction swagger on. That’s how we roll here.

AnyStarTrek I suppose I should stop stalling and get on with the post. It is short and sweet. Okay it’s not actually that sweet. Like the good husband I am I was making sure the apartment was cleaned and presentable. The wifey was at work and my sister was arriving the next day. I cleaned and cleaned like I was Cinderella. The wifey as she likes to do made me a list of things to do. I of course followed the list to a tee.
Then out of the kindness of my heart (and despite it not being on the list) I decided to clean the bathroom too. Husband points! So I cleaned away. I cleaned the sink. I swept. I cleaned the mirror. I turned my attention to the toilet. I cleaned it until it was spotless. We could eat off of it…

Well you could—not me—no I’m not as kinky as all of you.

As I was about to leave I noticed there was actual still a spot inside the bowl. So I went down to one knee to vanquish the evil stain. Except I did it too hard and this caused a tidal wave. Toilet water (albeit clean) and toilet bowl cleaner flew up and went in my nose. A blast of cold toilet water smacked me right in the face and shirt.

My initial reaction was to blow it out of my nose. This ended with a bunch of yellowish brown boogies landing on the toilet.

I cleaned those up and then gave myself a whiskey shot as a reward.

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the one with shoes

November 30, 2010

So there was that one time I was perusing the internets

(did you know they have that on computers now?)

and came across this:

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Yep. Facebook and twitter shoes from Adidas. Say whaaaaat?

Well say it I’ll wait. No really say it!

I’ll take your word that you said it. Now as ridiculous as the shoes are they are kind of sweet. Anyshoes it got me thinking what would be more entertaining? What other web themed shoes could there be? So I came up with some stuff.

(Yeah you got to deal with my horrid paint shop stuff. The fact that it is so horribly done is the best part. I know it looks like a blind epileptic angry chicken did it. All for you people.)

First up: The Youporn.com shoe.

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and then the 2 girls 1 cup shoe:

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TMI Thursday: Brownaconda Attacks

November 18, 2010

I’m weird. This is something the wife tells me all the time. People’s eyes tell me this all the time too, but my doctor said I should stop saying stuff about talking eyes.

(I’ll be here all week.)

Oh look the parenthesis are back. I don’t know why that started. I don’t know when either so don’t expect an answer or a link.

(Mostly too lazy)
(Shut up)

Whatever. You stopped reading after the title I’m sure. Now I’ve developed a fun (depending on who you ask) habit of naming my pooping ventures. Sometimes I announce the names to my wife as I head into the bathroom. Sometimes it doesn’t get a name until after the fact. This is usually based on amount, size, difficulty and or color. Oh and generally (read always) these excursions are named for some movie. For example:

Off to film The Hunt for the Brown October.
I just got done shooting Pooptanic.
Just got off the set of Brownaconda.
Indiana Jones and the temple of Poo.

The best instance had to have happened in Florida. After filming I come into the bedroom where kat and Pelvic Joann are and say:

Me (very seriously): “Have you seen Alec Baldwin?”
(Now after some initial ignoring I finally get a response)
Me: Yeah just finished shooting the sequel to Hunt for the Red October…Hunt for the Brown October.

I don’t do this every single time and I try to mix it up and not use the same one. Carissa—which if you aren’t reading here you should be—has convinced me to create a list. I am and so thank her for that disgusting list when it happens.

Anypooping back to the tmi. This happened late at night (like 2am) so there was no announcing of a shooting schedule. The wife was sweetly tucked away dreaming of sugar plum or murders. More likely she was dreaming of murders and kidnappers but that’s another story. Check one out here. So I went to the bathroom without being able to say some witty movie name.

(Poor jimi)

I’ll spare you the details of the actual event. I will say that there was quite a lot of it in the bowl afterwards. Now above the toilet on a rack sit her collection of duckies. You know the little rubber duckies? They have different versions. You know like punk rock duck, bad girl duck, Hitler duck,devil duck, irish duck, Jean Bonet Ramsey duck.

(Horrible jokes jimi)

So they’re up there. I finish my business and wipe and all that. As I finish I happen to put my hand up there. I knock poor Chicago duckie off balance and he falls. I like Spider-Man grab out for it. I catch it but the Green Goblin comes along and distracts me and Chicago duckie falls out of my hand. I almost catch it again but instead as it falls out into the air leaps the fabled Brownaconda and snags it into his jaws.
Sorta like this:

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Yes we apparently pee and poop into a misshapen bucket. We classy like that. It was horrible how angry it sounded as it grabbed poor poor Chicago duck. It fell pretty much directly into the poop and sunk in too.

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So I don’t know if it was because it was late, I was sleepy or the trauma of the brownaconda attack but I without hesitation reached right into the misshapen bucket the toilet. You know brownaconda and all. I grabbed Chicago duckie (sunk in a bit more as I did) and it I swear made a sort of plop-pop sounds as it pulled free. I managed to not get anything on my hand. I’m still not sure how because there was a ton in the bowl and poor Chicago duckie was covered in it. I tossed it into the shower and turned it on. After it was all gone I dried the poor fellow off and replaced him. I thought about not telling her about it but I did first thing the next morning. For 2 reasons I knew I’d use it on here and I wanted to gross her out. So I told her about the spin off to Anaconda.

Brownaconda: Dead Duck

I of course embellished some of the details of the story for her. I may or may not have said something about
pieces of food sticking to her duckie.
You’re welcome.


The time with the pee

April 29, 2010

How quickly I come crawling back to the post of the TMI variety. I had some other things planned for today but yesterdays post reminded me of something that happened a few weeks ago and never truly got a tmi Thursday post.

Yesterday I was working on Dinner (the script not the meal) for a few hours. Now usually if I’m in a good writing groove I’ll ignore mostly everything and keep on keeping on. On many occasions I’ll forget about eating, work schedules, plans, bathing etc. Often times I’ll remember to get coffee but never actually drink it. Yesterday I forgot about mostly everything except I drank about 9 cups of coffee. I kept going and going, until well I got up to stretch and realized my crotch felt as if it was about to explode.

How would one explain the spontaneous detonation of pee in their library? There’d be pieces of crotch, pants and wave after of pee everywhere….

So I went to the bathroom and peed for what felt like a bazillion minutes when I remembered the story from probably 3 weeks ago. So I scrapped what was being written today and went with this semi tmi. It’s more of a seriously jimi but whatever. I never even told the wife about the incident because I like to you know keep her on her toes and make her read my blog.

Anypoormarriageskills it was one of those serious writing days. I love those kinds of days I really do. I mean sure I’m starving around 6 because I never hate and sometimes have a pounding headache. I mean you’re supposed to suffer for your art but I’m not planning on cutting my ear off anytime soon. Instead I hold off peeing till it hurts and forget to eat.

Okay so I’m working on Dinner and make my way to get like my 300 cup of coffee that day. As I’m walking I realize not only do I have to pee like way bad but that there is a different kind of rumbling. Somehow my stomach and butt were rumbling and yelling at me at the same time. So I make my way all smooth and calmly. Then as I got there and I was all James Bond cool like unbuckling my belt and unbuttoning my pants a more desperate rumble/sinking feeling hit. I got all frantic for a second trying to get the pants down. Picture the way Jaws eats that first girl on the beach. It really was for no reason because the stomach appeared to be laughing at me and was actually calm by the time I sat on the pot. I kicked my pants off and up onto the radiator like I was Chuck Norris.

Yeah broke off a Chuck Norris reference. (I was watching Walker Texas Ranger earlier.)

Anyroundhousekick yeah full disclosure I like to take my pants all the way off when I take Browns to the super bowl. I don’t do that in public only at home. It turned out to be a good thing. I’m down there taking care of number two I might as well kill two bathroom birds with one stone and finish off number 1 right? I did. I was peeing and peeing—the dropping off the kids portion of the program done—when I went into thinking about the play mode. I got lost in my head sometime during the 57 minutes of peeing that took place. I had me an epiphany sitting on the pot pee streaming from my flesh pen (what the hell is wrong with me?) like some horribly long Pearl Jam song. Something I wanted to fix in the play became clear and I wanted to get right to fixing it! First I had to wipe my bum or was that what I had to do first? I jumped up ready to get my wipe on without even realizing that I was so lost in my head that well I was still technically peeing.
Bam or splatter actually! I hear pee hit the bathroom floor and then some hit my foot. Yes kiddies that’s when I came to the understanding that I had been so lost in my head that I forgot I was still peeing. I quickly aimed for the brown submarine in the toilet and finished off.

Yeah I just starred in The Hunt for Brown October!

I then mopped and cleaned the bathroom floor (after wiping of course) and then washed my foot. I loaded up on some coffee and went back to writing. There ya go folks you now know that I poo with my pants completely off and at least once referred to my penis as a flesh pen. What I am a writer. Hell you probably learned so many more things than just those two.

Enjoy all that.


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