The one with Princess Leia

January 3, 2011

Now, this is the story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I’d like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I’ll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air

Errr uh Bensonhurst. That’s right…New York, New York, New York, New York oh State of mind (New York City)

Seriously did my shtick change? Now I’m just Mr. Insert random song lyrics the whole time? So some of you may have known but l spent the majority of last week in NYC. Actually it was Brooklyn to be more specific and Bensonhurst if you need to be REALLY specific.

(God you people are so damn anal. Oh that was probably a poor choice of words for this place.)

AnyBum you may have heard I was on my first NYC trip. You may also have noticed that this place was dead last week. That wasn’t my fault (hey if Han Solo can say it so can I!) The place we were staying was promised to have working internet access and it did. The problem being that my friend (hence forth known as Williams or Harkness) could not remember the password. His soon to be ex wife (who he texted to ask) could not remember either.

This may need a bit of explanation. Williams and his wife are in the middle of a divorce. It appears to be at least generally “friendly” and moving forward. They lived in Brooklyn at the time it was decided. He goes to Cleveland State and moved back to Cleveland. She stayed in Brooklyn where she teaches. Last week she was due to be back in Cleveland and he took that opportunity to go back and pick up some of his stuff.

Anypointless info the time finally came for us to begin. Now originally I intended to make another Fresh Prince joke here. I was going to use the lyrics from the song about the cab and all that jazz but decided against it. Don’t worry it’ll be on the DVD extras. So we headed off—well actually first we (read he) had to go to the Ohio DMV. On the way there he decided he needed Starbucks—this would be a theme of the trip.

There is a Starbucks on every damn corner in NYC. Also Williams will attempt to go into every single one of them.

So we pull into a drive thru Starbucks over by Golden Gate Plaza. Before I go on (I know I know) another interlude. This happened or probably happened. Okay the point is I’m not embellishing this story. We may have miss heard her but this is what is believed to have happened.

The drive thru voice crackled out to us. “Welcome to Starbucks my name is Princess Leia, what can I get you today?” A confident female voice asked.

So at this point there is a slight pause on our end.

“Did she just say Princess Leia.?” I’m thinking over in the passenger seat thinking to myself

“Hi Princess Leia this is your brother Luke Skywalker.” Williams chimed in with from the drivers seat. There was a pause. No not true. There was a


And then Crickets. There were lots and lots of crickets. After this she once again asked us how she could help us. No acknowledgment of what had just passed between us all. Nothing at all. It was business and business and only. So Luke Williams ordered.

“We’re out of that.” darkly stated.

“Insert whatever he ordered next” (I don’t remember.)

“Oh I’m sorry we’re actually out of that too” Said with all the sympathy of Emperor Palpatine.

(Nervous laughter.)

Finally something was settled on and we drove around. Unfortunately she was only the order taker and not the drink giver. Perhaps she was never a she and the dude who gave him his drink was good with voices. Who knows? We never heard from Princess Leia again.

Now the trip and the real trouble could begin….

(You can go now.)

(No really that’s all for now)

(More stories tomorrow.)


(Wow still reading this?)


(You go home now.)

(That last one will be funny a couple stories from now.)


The one with Joey Lawrence and peanut butter

August 25, 2010

First head on over to the B Movie Brigade and check out today’s “What a way to die.” It involves Space Marines, Leprechauns and Penis.

Do it! I’ll wait.

There is a mystery afoot! The unexplained has occurred.

Call Mulder
Call Scully

Actually wait just call Scully. I mean rawr. I don’t need that dick Mulder cock blocking me.

I mean uhm…these aren’t the droids you’re looking for.

Yeah X-Files and Star Wars jokes at the same time! I really am the Ron Jeremy of nerd references. I really don’t think there is anywhere this post can go from here. So I might as well just end it right? Some DMX lyrics just popped in my head but then I find that I had one of the line wrongs and it no longer applies for this joke.

Sorry Ruff Ryders.

Now that I’ve lost every single reader I guess I’ll move on to the reason we need Mulder and the very sexy Scully. Well first off I went to bed last night with a post in mind for today but somewhere between then and the morning it flew away. I’m pretty sure it was stolen by Leo and the gang Inception style.

It was either that or the fact that several times I walked into the living room and sillie bean (the wifey) was watching Melissa and Joey. Yep it’s a new show on ABC FAMILY that pairs Melissa Etheridge and Joey Mercury.


That’s right kiddos as if my brand of humor didn’t already chase readers off I made a reference to a nonexistent television show. A joke using a pop-based folk-rock singer with raspy vocals and an a vague wrestler.

I know how alienate everyone. It my friends is a gift.

Anyvaguejokes the actual show (there is one!) stars Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence.


I only went the route of the easy woah joke because we all know each of you did it at the mention of his name. Don’t try to deny it. Don’t you do it.

I will turn this blog around right now!


What the hell was the point? Oh right the painful show that erased or warped my brain and stole my idea. That isn’t even the real mystery though. Oh no it’s weirder. I woke up and after stumbling into the kitchen to make some coffee went out to get the paper. No the mystery isn’t how come the paper was actually out there for a change.

I then proceeded into the office to sit at my computer and write this up for you. Aren’t I kind?

Well who asked you? Don’t answer that!

As I sat down I noticed something was awry. There was villainy afoot! There was something rotten in Denmark and etc. There was a spoon just sitting next to my computer:


There are a few possible explanations. As I wait for Scully to come sex this place up investigate I’ll go over them.

First it could have been the little elf that will complete my plays for me helping me become rich and famous. Oh they only help with shoes? Damn.

It could be that I’m crazy and eat peanut butter late at night without remembering it. Perhaps my wife sat down at the desk this morning to use my computer (hands off woman!) and eat peanut butter. She does like to snack on spoonfuls of the stuff.

I think the most plausible explanation is that overnight Joey Lawrence snuck into our apartment and surfed porn on my computer. He is a well known peanut butter fiend. The porn he watched (I imagine he watched Big Trouble in little Vagina) got him so hot that he forgot to put the spoon away. Perhaps he heard something and rushed off leaving the evidence?


For what it’s worth the wifey thinks she put it down to give me a hug the night before but I don’t remember that. I think she’s covering up for Joey.

Like a conspiracy woah.

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The one that happened because of twitter

August 21, 2010

Wiktionary defines a tweetup:

A real-life meeting organised on the social networking site Twitter.

While I’ve heard this one more than a few times:

“People who have nothing to do meet up with people they tweet when they have nothing to do.”

Both are flawed in that they don’t involve alcohol.

Got’s to have my Jack bishes!


Anydrinking you may gather from this that I attended a “tweetup” last night. Well that or I spend my Saturdays looking up definitions of things. You know whichever. Probably both of them.

So the legend goes that I had convinced the wifey to go to a local wrestling promotion. It was for Absolute Intense Wrestling (AIW): The World is not Enough. It was being held at a bar in Broadview Hts. The place is called Jockos sports bar. It was pretty understood that she was not going to enjoy it nearly as much as I was.

Side note: She enjoys it more than she lets on.

Anytights this had been planned for weeks. Everything was fine. We were going and I was paying for it. We’d be pretty even when it comes for the tit for tat aspect of marriage. I mean I’ve gone to more than a few musicals just for her.

Compromises bishes!

Then twitter struck. People I dig (and have met before) started planning something. Okay I’d like to see them. I like hanging with them so I have a tiny pause in my plans. No AIW on the 20th! Then they chose my favorite place—Parnell’s Pub.

Then there were more people going.

Then I freaked out about money or you know lack thereof. I figured how I spend my money has to mean something good. Spending money on a ticket for someone who didn’t really want to be there didn’t seem the best way to spend it. Spending money at a place I love, with people I dig did. So I changed my mind. We headed over to Parnell’s at about 7pm. But back that shizzle up for a second. First a bit about my day:

I woke up and made coffee.
Then I went outside to get my paper.
It of course wasn’t there.
I cursed whoever took it. I wished that whoever took it had shards of glass coated in salt shoved in their pee hole.
Looked for a job.
Emailed some jobs.
Wrote some samples.
Reviewed notes for a review I was going to do.
Realized it was time for Yoga.
Did my yoga (45 minutes bishes)
wondered why I use bishes so much did some weights.
I went for a walk. This walk lasted about an hour and a half.

Nowhere in there did you see eat right? Yeah that’s because I forgot to eat. What the heckers?

Uhm did I really just use “what the heckers?”?

So went to Parnell’s and I got to get a nice buzz because I had no food in me whatsoever. It was a fun time. It was cool to hang with Dave and Alicia again. I got to meet some new peeps too.


It was a good ole time. We stayed till a few minutes after midnight. This of course was problematic since we had no dinner (and I no food all day!) and being midnight not many options. We had not cheated on the diet, but we did last night. Guys pizza to the rescue. I don’t believe this will hinder the diet at all. The next day we are back on track and ready freddy to continue on it.
There were two pictures taken during the fun times:

First there is Admiral Ackbar making sure the sharpie was not a trap.


Then the bartender took a picture of all attendees:


Don’t we look so happy?

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Creep my boss out #3/I won’t be bitter bobby anymore

October 8, 2009

I’ll start with the how I made my boss feel awkward moment. It has been a while since I’ve been able to do this (because I’d avoid contact with all of them). Anyways as I was in the Produce backroom (I need to come up with a fun name like Veggie Cave or something) our Store Manager came in with a pumpkin. Apparently he wanted me to carry it out to the front where it belonged (even though he was going that way). So as I did he came along (Why?). This happened :

SM: It was in seafood. It can’t be there.
Me: Well maybe we could put some fins on it. (in my head)Damn why did I open up to friendly banter!
SM (Smiling): When you look at this pumpkin what do you see? Ohhhh I bet it’s something good.
ME: Uhm a pumpkin?
SM (confused): OH. Nothing creative? Like I bet like a hatchet coming out of it’s face?
ME: Nope just a pumpkin.
SM: Oh.
(Silence and then he walks off)

Now it isn’t the typical weird him out but I’ll take it, and it was fun. Yesterday at work I realized something. It came out of a (what I thought) was a harmless conversation. I was back in the cooler (before the awkward manager moment) and I was explaining to Marcia the back story of Produce Man. What is it you ask?

One day near the end of shift he helped a customer. She wanted to know if there more pears, but unfortunately there were none. When he told her this sad news she snapped. There were several bottles of veggie wash nearby and she proceeded to spray him with it repeatedly. He being a nice fellow stood there and took it, letting the veggie wash to seep into his eyes and pores. Later that evening he began to notice a change. He vowed to use his newfound powers (to this day unknown) for good.

Wow for the first time something sounds much better when I just winged it than when I wrote it. I’ll work on that. Anyhoo after that I told her how I came up with a back story for my move to Produce. I grow tired of telling people (who for some reason are still asking) the real reason. It goes as follows:

One night I stumbled upon a DVD of Veggie Tales and watched it. I was so taken aback by it that I immediately went to my Store Manager and begged to be switched to the Produce Department.

Now I thought this was mildly amusing but Marcia slapped me. It sort of was like this:

Except I’m not a chick and it was nothing like that at all. It was more of a metaphorical slap. What actually happened was as I left the backroom she said “wow, you really are bitter about what happened.” To quote Smee I had an apostrophe…it was like lightning struck me brain. Yeah vague Hook reference! I was floored. I sort of mumbled before leaving and then after filling the apples (I know and now I’m writing too!) My store manager tried to convince me putting up apples was creative almost like writing so I’d enjoy it. I returned to the conversation.

Me: Do you mean I sound bitter now, in my blog (she had just started reading) or both.
Her: Oh…both…but mostly there.

Now I knew that especially in the first few posts I was angry and bitter. I liked it that way. It was true emotion. That was fine I should have been bitter, but I was faced with the fact that I still come off that way. At work I was the comic relief. I was the one who didn’t care about what happened or what people thought. I shrugged things off and kept my humor. I did what people couldn’t or wouldn’t do and they enjoyed it. I don’t want to be the bitter guy. I needed confirmation on this so I of course went to L-Rizz.

Me: Damn I’ve become bitter bob.
L-Rizz: Yepppppp lol.
Me: laugh it up fuzz ball

(Yeah STAR WARS reference!) This is bad. Very bad. I can be cynical and I can be jaded but always in that cute jaded way. I’m not sure where this post is actually going or how many are actually still reading it. Is this thing on? Anyways I’ve decided to give up and just drink heavily to take a stand. I have learned though that making bold statements doesn’t work. For instance the 3 straight weeks I stated I’d finish The Devil Comes to Dinner by the end of the week, or the world tour of beers thing. So instead I’m going to make a short list of goals, and add some easy ones so as to feel accomplished and such.

1. Come through with finishing Produce Man costume
2. Write a rough draft comic of Pterodactyl Man for Lindsay and Kat to check out.
3. Buy a jug of white wine (see already accomplished this one!)
4. Finish The Devil comes to Dinner
5. Finish the manuscript draft for ‘Love is a Donkey’ (Book of poetry) Anyone wanna read it?
6. Attend some poetry readings
7. Meet and drink with some fellow bloggers
8. Attend a Lake Erie Monster’s game.
9. Read a book at least every 2 weeks.
10. See L-Rizz on a consistent basis.
11. Creep my Manager out.
12. Do something nice/romantic with/for my wife
13. Submit a play to at least 3 theatres.
14. Come up with a better list.

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