Sleeping with my wife: Crouching Tiger

November 23, 2010

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That’s right kiddies the ever popular Sleeping with my wife segment is back. Let’s just jump right into it.

It was a Sunday night or actually it was a Monday morning when I crept into bed. I stayed up at first with a good purpose: work on some writing. It quickly morphed into a zombie-esque staring at the computer screen. There was for some reason a very loud party going on. Yes a loud party on a Sunday night that went on until a bit after 4am. I know this because I was up for it all. Now the fact that I was up had nothing to do with the party but it was still pretty obnoxious and clearly (in part at least) what lead to this story. I managed to get into bed without waking the wife up. As I tried to fall asleep the noisy party finally seemed to wind down. My eyes didn’t want to stay open but my mind wouldn’t shut down. Eventually though everyone out there quieted down as did my mind. Ah finally sleep was taking over—

“oh ugnh noo.”

And then she was sitting up. No other signs that something was going to happen. In the darkness I could see her sitting up. She whipped her head left, right and up. One more time she surveyed things and then she went all Chuck Norris.

(No luckily there was no karate chopping jimi.)

She did some sort of ninja roll off the bed like she was Chuck Norris avoiding bullets. She jumped off the bed ready to return fire and just sort of crouched there. She sort of hid there looking up.

“There was a fire” she said still crouching.

“What the hell?”

“There was a light on there. Up there it was…” and that was all I could really understand.

“What?” Moving closer to here but you know not close enough for a fist to the face. “Okay come on back to bed.”

“On the ceiling. Damn assholes….” Again I lost most of what was said but it essentially equaled “Those damn kids! Get off my lawn.” She crawled back into bed and after mumbling something fell back asleep. The next day she explained that there was apparently some sort of giant arrow of fire coming down at her head.

Yeah. That’s who I sleep next to every night.

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Sleeping with my wife #2

October 4, 2010

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That’s right kiddies the ever popular* Sleeping with my wife segment is back. I planned on having a fun, cute or hilariously written intro for this but it’s not written yet.** So look for that in the future, when I’m not so lazy.***

You can always click here to read the one with the kung fu punch or we’ll just jump in it.

This happened at about 3:30 in the morning on a night were we actually went to bed about 11:30pm. I woke up to some heavy shifting next to me. I could feel her sitting up and looking around. She laughed. It wasn’t a creepy laugh (you’d think waking up to a laugh at 3 in the morning it would be) but instead almost a sweet one. It was a genuine giggle. It sounded happy. Usually when she talks or reacts in her sleep it’s not a happy thing. It usually involves whimpers. This was a giggle. I turned over to her laughing again and still looking around.

Me: Are you actually awake?
Her: It’s funny.
Me: What is?
Her: He’s funny over there.
Me: I don’t know what that means.

(She laughs again and says something I don’t catch.)

Me: Okay honey go back to sleep.

(She gets back under the covers and scoots towards me.0

Me: You’re not going to punch me again are you?

(She falls immediately back into sleep.)

*There is no actual proof that this segment is even remotely popular.
**I in fact did not plan it at all (but probably should write one)
***Do not hold your breath


Regarding Masks from the African Plains

October 1, 2010

Again any thoughts welcome…

Regarding Masks from the African Plains

He spoke with a French accent
and that was alright.
After all he was very old. Frighteningly so
how could I compete with that?
I closed my eyes, but my ears betrayed me.
Sneaking his image past my drawn eyelids.
In my dreams he wore a crown,
the thorns made him bleed.
Why should I mind? He didn’t.
I slept and slept. Perhaps I still am.
Anything is possible in a world of masks.
I swore I was snoring. Hell
at one point very loudly.
Nobody seemed to notice.
So why should I?


The one where I get climbed on

July 27, 2010

Today would normally be Post it Note Tuesday. Then I woke up and went outside to get the paper. The Plain Dealer that should have been out on the front steps. You know the paper that some ass clown was now off reading. Thieves! I will kill you MoFo’s. How dare you steal my Wednesday paper?

Oh wait. These days really do blend together. I had fully expected to do some. I even scribbled some down on actual post it notes last night. I had about 6 of them written in my autistic chicken scratch. Yes I meant to post some-a few whining/ranting about writing. Something happened late last night/early this morning that changed that.

The wife and I made the whoopee—I know you have two questions right now.

Made “the whoopee”?

And

Do I think it’s Thursday and so I’m busting out a tmi post?

Yeah I don’t really have an explanation for “the whoopee.” I guess it was to soften the blow of telling you we had sex. I now it is Tuesday and I know it’s not Thursday because I haven’t read the Wednesday paper yet. No more questions and turn that camera off!

Anypapertellsmewhatdayitis this post is what happened after the squeaking bed action. The fun finished about 1:45am or so. I’ll spare you the start time of the sexy shenanigans. Flash forward to sometime after 4 am. I woke up from a weird dream that started me thinking about the play I’m trying to fix. As I lay there thinking to myself about plots and characters weirdness happened.

First our kitty Rasputin who was sleeping above the wife’s head on her pillow began to stir. He got up meowed at me and pushed his head into my hands. After maybe a minute of petting him by my side he decided to crawl over me. As he did his nail grazed my leg and he slipped trying to get over me. Finally he paused for a second on my stomach and then slowly slipped off the bed to the floor and out the bedroom.

It was about this time that my wife began to stir in her sleep. I don’t know what happens to her when she sleeps but she seems to be disturbed a lot. She sort of groaned in her sleep and I rubbed my hand over her head and in her hair. I always feel that maybe I can comfort her quietly and softly and it’ll help her. Sometimes this appears to work and sometimes it appears to trigger her talking/moving in her sleep. I dunno. I just feel bad and can’t help but attempt to comfort her.

Anyschmoop she sat up and mumbled something. I rubbed her leg and told her to lie back down. Next thing I know she’s trying to climb over me. I’m all “finally she’s gonna sleep sex!” Oh that joke is so wrong. Then bam right into my leg goes her toe nail. She hovers over me on my stomach and I tell her to go back to real sleep. She says something about following Rasputin and then slides off of me onto the floor. She stands in the bedroom doorway for a second. Our kitty comes back in climbs on me and plops down by my feet. Then the wifey turns around says something I don’t understand and then climbs over me. She stops on me again says she’s stuck and sort of laughs before climbing off me and back to her side of the bed. Then she goes right back to sleeping normally and peacefully. As she is getting ready for work she half remembers it and asks if she climbed on me.

I of course ponder telling her that she forced me to have sex with her as she rode me.

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the one where we cram it all in

July 20, 2010

Thats what she said!

There are a lot of bloggers out there that post a weekly recap of their weekend. It usually involves going to a lot of cool places with their friends. I am not one of them. Mostly because you know I like to make shit up.

That and I don’t really go out partying it up on the town. We do a lot of stuff. We like to celebrate the things to do in Cleveland and there are a ton of things. There are slow days for us and then there are times where we go to a play, dinner, a concert and a movie in one day. If need be we just cram it all in.

That’s what she said.

This weekend was one of those times. Friday there was what the kids are calling these days a “tweetup”. It was called the east-side tweetup and was held at the Willoughby Brewing Company. We were invited and you know went and stuff.

Oh was that not good enough? See I’m bad at this. The Three Shillelaghs headed over to Willoughby Brewing Company. Hilarity sort of ensued. I was still sort of limping. The pain in my heel had mostly subsided by then. We parked and then started walking toward the restaurant. We didn’t even get across the street when the wifey’s (kat clearly) flip flop broke. The back part just fell right off. Just as she walked it fell off and as she marveled about it and tried to walk on the rest of the shoe died. We walked on discovered it was further than we thought went back and got the car. Drove to it found there was absolutely nowhere to park and ended up parking right by where we originally did. She had to basically walk with the shoe in her hand the whole way and then fake like it was on to get inside.

The night was cool and met some new peeps which always a good thing. I wasn’t that impressed with the menu (though did not have anything) and the apps were expensive. The jack and ginger was tall and that good. The waitress was pretty awesome even if she got sort of busy and there were a few times I sat there like this:

‘more jack daniels please”

But you know more desperate sounding. All in all a good time was had. After we left we stopped and got us some Chick-fil-A. Yum.

Saturday was such a full day that the wifey made an itinerary. I never actually saw it but I’ve heard it did exsist. The Three Shillelaghs packed the car and headed on down to Akron for the:
National Hamburger Festival

Yay.
It was so hot.
(how hot was it)

It was so hot that on the way there a minivan caught on fire. Okay so that probably isn’t true. A minivan was on fire on the opposite way as we drove to Akron though. It was hot as all get out while at the festival that consisted of a bunch of places to get hamburgers for a 2 block radius. I was sort of disappointed by it. I mean it was cool and all but it lacked stuff. The only merch were shirts and Jughead comic books. A vast majority of the events seemed to be taking place at night and we’d have to be gone way before then to keep our schedule. I was going to attempt to be in the bobbing for burgers contest but oh well.

There was this:

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That’s right there was a Barney Fife look alike walking around the festival. How awesome is that? Also as we approached he yelled out:

“I’m Barney Fife bitches! What mofo wanna take a picture with me?”

Ok not really but I almost asked him if he would. Later he threatened to arrest us if we tried to sneak back in. The burgers were tasty and the one we got was from Steel Trolley Diner. Their banner said get your burger branded. I ordered the Marley Burger: A ½ pound burger topped with Jamaican jerk sauce and Orange chipotle mayo. It was tasty and they indeed did “brand” your burger. Unfortunate (or hilarious) they have std as their initials.

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Yes my burger said STD on it and I still ate it.

We left there and went home to nap for a little bit. Then we hit up the Cleveland Cinematheque for Animal Crackers. After some Marx Brothers brilliance we ate some Aladdin’s and then hit up Parnell’s Pub for some x-mas in July. It was for Thirsty Dog’s 12 dogs of Christmas Ale. Tasty! Then I had one tall Jack and Ginger. From there we headed over to the Capitol Theatre to see the late shift showing of Memento. It had been a while since I’d seen it and I really looked forward to it. On the way there the wife tried to destroy the happiness that is the Marx Bros. by saying they were probably very unhappy. This discussion went up until the movie started and included several other people getting involved. Then I won tickets to see the late shift showing of Pulp Fiction.

Sunday was a more relaxed. The wifey headed over to her mom’s house to do laundry and thesis work. I stayed home wrote some and watched soccer for a bit. Then I watched George A. Romero’s Diary of the Dead. It was decent. I was preparing for Monday’s viewing of Survival of the Dead. Later that night we went to a new Indian Restaurant called Indian Flame. It was delish. A review with pictures will be written soon as we go a second time.

Monday we went to breakfast and then picked up Lindsay. We headed over to the zoo to enjoy free day. It was pretty sweet even if it was packed and my heel was hurting again.
The wife and I on the Australian adventure train:

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It was fun but got weird when the driver said:
‘Oh my mate lookit the kangaroo ova there. Ain’t she a beaut? Why I’d like to stick me little dingaroo in her pouch. Boomerang bitches”

All that but you know with an Australian accent or you know probably not at all.

We encountered a lady wearing leggings that looked like jeans as jeans. It was not pretty and I wasn’t fast enough to snap a picture. Later on the wife and Lindsay marveled at the Rhino’s dong.
After that we went home for some resting and lunch. I almost set the apartment on fire. I forgot the package my Sammy was in had metal like shit inside and yeah it started to burn in the microwave. After a nap that did nothing for us we headed out to see Survival of the Dead which was pretty good.

Damn I’m tired.

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