The one where I’m oblivious

May 1, 2013

Apparently I’m oblivious.

Let’s set the scene. It’s a slow Wednesday night at the museum. About an hour into the night a woman came over needing some directions. I helped her in my usual charming way. Her friend looked bored as we chatted about my awesome Captain Kirk tie. They went on their merry way and I tried to keep myself from falling into a coma. On their way out of the galleries they stopped again to ask if I knew where a certain piece was.

No it wasn’t Patty Picasso’s masterpiece.

I told them where and how to go and they once again went on their merry way. I went back to stopping German Art Thieves with my buddy John McClane. Later I tried to finish the elusive man in the marble column poem and (let’s be honest here) probably thought about the wife’s boobs.

Flash forward (finally) to about an hour to go. Here come our intrepid museum explores. They’re on their way to exit the South Door. She stops to compliment me on my tie again and we start talking about nerd stuff. After a few minutes her friend walks back over and arrives just as this happens:

Her:  It must suck being on your feet this whole time.
Me: Sometimes it really does.
Her: You poor thing. They don’t let you sit down?
Me: Nope.
Her: Jerks. You’ve been here all day?
Me: Just since 5.
Her:  Good.

(More comic book talk that I don’t remember) Then:

Her: When are you off?

That’s a weird way to ask when the museum closes.

Me: The museum closes at 9.
Her: And when do YOU get off?
Me: ….
Her: 9?
Me: Uhm 9:30—

Her friend: He has a ring you whore.
Her: OH.
Her friend: Whore.
Me: …..
Her: See you around.

They then made like Snagglepuss.

 

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best of overheardohio for April

May 3, 2012

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Hooray it’s May! Here is the top 5 @overheardohio for the month of April.

First almost made the cut (and received a bunch of Retweets): “Your Father and I aren’t paying an arm and a leg to put you through college for you to earn spending money stripping.”

There were some good ones in April so don’t forget to go read them:

“If zombies smoked weed, we’re the fucking cheetos man.”

“I like my mens to be milk white. No white gangstas tho. If they gangsta I might as well date a black dude.”–Black girl on the bus.

“Mother I’m in my thirties I can enjoy looking at women.”-Guy at grocery store after checking out a woman.

“I’m quality. You the dollar store to my @walmart.”

“You can get a blow job or a birthday cake but not both tonight” – woman on cell phone.


The shaving

March 22, 2011

So I shaved this morning. I shaved yesterday morning too. I even did this (both times) before having coffee. It must have been one of those rare occasions when I leave the apartment these days?

(Nope.)

I leave the apartment most days to take one of my walks (especially when it isn’t too cold) but I don’t need to shave just to be out walking.

Oh you must have been meeting a friend?

(Wrong.)

Well technically that is wrong. Tonight I will be heading over to the Lake Erie Monsters game with the lovely Rizza and her dude. So technically I more than likely would have shaven today. That is besides the point.

Is it?

(Yes! Why must you torment me with questions all the time?)

We’ll focus more on yesterday then. Happy now? I wasn’t going anywhere really. No job interviews, no lunches or anything. There was a chance I would be going grocery shopping with the wife but like I care if Giant Eagle or Aldi’s people see me unshaven. Do you get that I hate shaving and won’t a great majority of the time? If I go too many days (and yes it happens a lot) I become real Wolfman like. I can get very hairy and very fast.

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I really hate shaving. It takes way too much effort and time. So if there is a reason to skip it. I usually shave for anything involving friends (you’re welcome) but sometimes…

For instance this past Saturday we attended a party at Lindsay’s house. Now this would usually mean I was going to shave. The problem was the night before I went to bed at about 4am. I slept till about noon and then ran out to watch some March Madness. Soon it was late in the afternoon/early evening and I was dozing off on the couch. Now the wife being a great wife let me sleep until pretty much time to go. I got up and got ready with no time to shave. So there I was everyone pretty unshaven—

(No I was unshaven the others were less hairy.)
(You all never rest do you?)

As Alicia asked about Lauren’s wedding I joked that on the day I’d show up and *maybe* shave.

(I always shave for weddings.)
(There is a point to this post.)
(I promise.)
(Maybe.)

Despite the lack of doing anything (on Monday) I still shaved. Why? Because of this:

The wifebot and I were driving home Sunday. I don’t know how the subject turned to shaving but it did.

Me: Why shave? What reason do I have to shave?
Wifebot: Me!

And then you know light bulbs turned on and correct answer bells went off. Another thing that went off is something only I seem to have. You know the Star Trek red alert thing? Well that goes off when I’m going to start to feel bad about something, or regret something. I once said to Kat (wifebot) that I probably regretted close to 85% of things I’ve ever said or done in my life.

I don’t mean huge decisions (though some are in there I suppose.) when I say that about regret. Even the tiniest most throw away things fall into the Jimi will soon regret category. This is for another blog post though.

So that went off because I realized something. All in all I’m a pretty good husband—like with anything we can all be better—but I’m not too shabby. I remember what she likes and wants. I know all our special dates. I watch a lot of sports but I’m not unwilling to pass on them to do things. I love her. I show her love.
Hugs are never lacking.

Notes, texts random weird gifts and things.

Check, check and check.

She knows I love her. I can be better at being a husband. I know this. I can be a better writer, person etc… so of course I could always stand to be a better husband. All that being said I realized that doing all the nice things you can do to show those you care things can still slip past. It didn’t dawn on me to shave for her.
Why wouldn’t she like that?

(Duh.)

I mean it is a simple thing. Of course she loves me for who I am, but that doesn’t mean she needs me to be Wolfman all the damn time. It is the little things that make everything else shine out more. It goes to show you no matter how hard you try there is always the danger of falling into the taking things for granted rut.

This post really shouldn’t see the light of the day. For numerous reasons:

1-Not very fun.
2-Not very interesting.
3-That whole admitting I regret so much. (I’ll probably regret that.)
4-It sort of just rambled and fell apart.

I suppose it deserves to live if anything just for that crude paint shop hair comparison.

Whatever go hug someone you love.


New Poem: Blueberry Ale

November 2, 2010

Here is another poem. It is part of the book titled: Love is a Donkey. Now for some interaction (should you choose to accept your mission.) from you all. The poem is titled Blueberry Ale (right now) but the wifey thinks it should be titled “The Art of Giving Blow Jobs”. What say you dear reader? As always any comments appreciated.


After the third bottle the topic turned to sex.
This was usually the case but never with so many people
mulled and munched veggies. The party should’ve been over.
Rick finished off the hummus by himself. It was thick and homemade.
We found him on the toilet a joint in one hand and the other knuckle deep in the bowl.
“At least he’s not jacking off again” Johnny offered. He was right.


Two years from now he’d jump off a highway over pass.
His body smashed through the windshield of a brown Taurus.
He always had to take someone down with him. A pocket full of peach schnapps’
I got drunk at his funeral. “I always hated smooth tongued Johnny Ray.” I quipped
to the pretty girl at the bar. I undressed her with my eyes.
It turned out to be his sister.


At one point I must have met her. She may have even been at the party.
Pieces of poetry and scraps of art were thrown about.
It was the last of its kind. The only one where we were all friends and artists
If we had known that it may have changed things.
Of course in the end we’d still be high and debating the art of blow jobs.


Turning River

October 16, 2010

A new poem. I’m still working on the format and line breaks of this one. It may also grow in length. Who knows? Comments good or bad much obliged.

Turning River

I called her nikita.
the avenger.
Of course her name was Jenny
something or other.
This worked for us
against them she’d shout.
And point
an imaginary gun at some poor bastards head.
Don’t pull I’d think.
Don’t pull each time
she did and with a gusto that made me shiver.


The one where I should cut n paste

August 23, 2010

Before I fully get started a bit of business. I want you to head on over to the B Movie Brigade to check out the latest Monday’s Maniac by yours truly. Follow the brigade on twitter @bmoviebrigade!

With that done shall we recap one another?

Don’t worry I’ve been tested.

Well Friday you can read about it in this post from Saturday. It’s quite a fun post.

(I can’t actually back that statement up)

Saturday like most of the previous ones included a whole lot of sitting down and doing nothing. The wifey dropped the car off to have it checked out for the 3 shillelaghs big roadie to Key West. This caused some great concern and some anxious moments. News came back of what needed to be taken care of and now we wait to see how much it is.

Ah waiting is so fun isn’t it?

Anyhatewaiting I watched some nice soccer yet again. I really should just start cutting and pasting these things.

Can you say phone it in!

After the EPL match I managed to get some writing in. The MIL (I need to give her a nickname because MIL makes me want to type MILF and well I won’t be going there) wanted to take me to dinner as a late b-day dinner. We headed over to the Aladdin’s for some grub. Sticking to (and getting back on track with) the diet I had a Shish Kabob salad. I ordered it with the Tahini Yogurt Dressing (like always) but with a side of the Zesty Sweet Tomato one too. I had been interested in trying that one and felt it was time to pull a “do it already jimi!” It was a delish meal. Here is a pic snapped before devouring it:

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Looked exactly like that except more like an actual salad and less like a man with veggies on. Plus you know like not at all. That is from ATHF by the way. If you don’t like that show I will break up with you.

Like seriously.

We had a nice long talk with ILM (In law mother) which was cool because it’d been a while since we had one. Plus you know I don’t turn down free stuff.

Afterwards we (wifey and I) went back home and I planted myself in front of the tube to watch the Browns pre season game. Watching lead to this exchange:

Disclaimer: I don’t normally yell at pre season games.
Me: Oh come on jeez!
Wife (from other room): What?
Me: Sports.
(She made me institute a rule of saying sports after yelling at the TV so she knows nothing “real” is wrong.)
Wife: See this is why I hate you watching football.
Me: Why?
Wife: You yell so much.
Me: I yell at soccer.
Wife: No you don’t
Me: True. NOW SHUT THE HELL UP I’M WATCHING FOOTBALL*

*That didn’t actually happen. Don’t send me anymore emails about my wife leaving me angry email sender it hurts my feelings**

**It doesn’t actually.

We then headed over to the Capitol theatre to see “This is Spinal Tap.” Oh man there is nothing better than seeing a movie you love on the big screen and for 5 bucks. That was at midnight. When we got home and settled down it was about 3 am and we hit the hay.

Sunday started off as one big fail. First I woke up about 10am to a wicked headache. Then the cable remote wasn’t working. Once I got that taken care of the TV wouldn’t work right. Finally I got all 3 to obey me.

Soccer time yeah!

Then a trip to Aldi’s which was only worth mentioning because of the young kid there. He was walking around pointing this like lollipop necklace thing at people going:

“laser. Laser.”

I do believe he was shooting people (including the wife and I) with it.

Awesome and funny.

Of course Sunday was time for the finally Marx Bros movie being played at the Cleveland Cinematheque. Good time as always. Watch em bishes (and you thought you’d get away without me using that!) cause they’re great.

Once home we settled in together to be romantical. Syfy was showing Predator 2 and we snuggled up. Okay actually she was cleaning up around the living room but we snuggled up in spirit and soul. Interesting note: It stars Maria Conchita Alonso who we saw in The Vagina Monologues.

She found a card from me that had this in it: ‘I wouldn’t change what we have for all the tiny magical gnomes I could fit into a suitcase.”

I dropped some poetical shit on you bishes (haha 2 now!) with that line there.

Hope you had a good weekend and feel like telling me about it. DO IT!

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In which I get lectured

June 9, 2010

So as a lot of you know the other day as a result of this post I got an angry email. I promised to post it and perhaps I will in full some other time. Until then I will post a couple lines.

“…I think it is clear to me at least that you don’t actually love your wife……AND I hope REALLY hope your wife wakes up and divorces you!

Wow. Nice huh? I do love my wife. In fact I’ve taken the time to write out just a few examples of the many times I’ve shown it to her (and my love too! BAM!)

Oh right.

There was another time though that I was running down a hillside that was covered with flowers, and there was a beautiful girl like 15 with pigtails and she was waving to me… and her parents didn’t know she had snuck out of the house.

That was the ‘Little House on the Prairie?

Oh. Right well…

There was that one time after saving her life (pause)

The life saving went something like this. We lived at her mom’s house at the time and I was off in the tv room watching some educational program—

Fine some sort of sports.

Anystickler the wife went down to the basement for laundry purposes and slipped and fell down the stairs. You could hear the loud thump of her nice booty and head hitting the stairs as she slid down them. She was out cold when I arrived down there. I picked her gently up into my arms and softly carried her to the hospital. She still doesn’t remember this.

Directly from saving her from that incident we kissed in the rain. I was hanging upside down and she pulled my mask up enough to kiss me.

Shut up. I’ve uh never even seen Spider-Man

Okay fine that didn’t happen either. Technically she didn’t get knocked out either and technically the time she slipped her mom came running and not me. In my defense though I didn’t hear it because I was far away in the TV room—while her mom was right above the basement.

Shut up. You are not helping.

Well there was that time that I called to her as I interrupted a live television broadcast of Charles Dickens’ classic—

Damnit. I watch too much shit. At least I didn’t use any examples from wrestling.

Uhm I love you hunny?

I don’t need to prove to any of you my love. No I need to prove it to her. I make my mistakes in that area—I know I do. It is easy to do. It really is to show you care but sometimes the easiest things can be the hardest to accomplish. Do I suck sometimes? Sure.

But I’m tryin’, Ringo. I’m tryin’ real hard to be the shepherd—Damn Pulp Fiction!

The point being she gets my humor. Anyone who has read me on more than one occasion has to or why the hell would you keep reading me? She likes my humor and well that’s part of how I show my love is. I make her laugh. I’ll go out of my way to make her laugh. When she needs a hug and a laugh it’s me she turns to.
What the hell this was supposed to be a funny post about a comment the mad emailer made. I hope (if you are reading this) that you like your new name: The mad emailer. I imagine you wearing a hat like the mad hatter but then I remember you were actually mad not crazy.

Oh wait…no too easy. Instead this came out more like a defense of who I am. Yeah real funny…Funny like Genocide!

Now that’s funny.


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