the one where we cram it all in

July 20, 2010

Thats what she said!

There are a lot of bloggers out there that post a weekly recap of their weekend. It usually involves going to a lot of cool places with their friends. I am not one of them. Mostly because you know I like to make shit up.

That and I don’t really go out partying it up on the town. We do a lot of stuff. We like to celebrate the things to do in Cleveland and there are a ton of things. There are slow days for us and then there are times where we go to a play, dinner, a concert and a movie in one day. If need be we just cram it all in.

That’s what she said.

This weekend was one of those times. Friday there was what the kids are calling these days a “tweetup”. It was called the east-side tweetup and was held at the Willoughby Brewing Company. We were invited and you know went and stuff.

Oh was that not good enough? See I’m bad at this. The Three Shillelaghs headed over to Willoughby Brewing Company. Hilarity sort of ensued. I was still sort of limping. The pain in my heel had mostly subsided by then. We parked and then started walking toward the restaurant. We didn’t even get across the street when the wifey’s (kat clearly) flip flop broke. The back part just fell right off. Just as she walked it fell off and as she marveled about it and tried to walk on the rest of the shoe died. We walked on discovered it was further than we thought went back and got the car. Drove to it found there was absolutely nowhere to park and ended up parking right by where we originally did. She had to basically walk with the shoe in her hand the whole way and then fake like it was on to get inside.

The night was cool and met some new peeps which always a good thing. I wasn’t that impressed with the menu (though did not have anything) and the apps were expensive. The jack and ginger was tall and that good. The waitress was pretty awesome even if she got sort of busy and there were a few times I sat there like this:

‘more jack daniels please”

But you know more desperate sounding. All in all a good time was had. After we left we stopped and got us some Chick-fil-A. Yum.

Saturday was such a full day that the wifey made an itinerary. I never actually saw it but I’ve heard it did exsist. The Three Shillelaghs packed the car and headed on down to Akron for the:
National Hamburger Festival

Yay.
It was so hot.
(how hot was it)

It was so hot that on the way there a minivan caught on fire. Okay so that probably isn’t true. A minivan was on fire on the opposite way as we drove to Akron though. It was hot as all get out while at the festival that consisted of a bunch of places to get hamburgers for a 2 block radius. I was sort of disappointed by it. I mean it was cool and all but it lacked stuff. The only merch were shirts and Jughead comic books. A vast majority of the events seemed to be taking place at night and we’d have to be gone way before then to keep our schedule. I was going to attempt to be in the bobbing for burgers contest but oh well.

There was this:

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That’s right there was a Barney Fife look alike walking around the festival. How awesome is that? Also as we approached he yelled out:

“I’m Barney Fife bitches! What mofo wanna take a picture with me?”

Ok not really but I almost asked him if he would. Later he threatened to arrest us if we tried to sneak back in. The burgers were tasty and the one we got was from Steel Trolley Diner. Their banner said get your burger branded. I ordered the Marley Burger: A ½ pound burger topped with Jamaican jerk sauce and Orange chipotle mayo. It was tasty and they indeed did “brand” your burger. Unfortunate (or hilarious) they have std as their initials.

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Yes my burger said STD on it and I still ate it.

We left there and went home to nap for a little bit. Then we hit up the Cleveland Cinematheque for Animal Crackers. After some Marx Brothers brilliance we ate some Aladdin’s and then hit up Parnell’s Pub for some x-mas in July. It was for Thirsty Dog’s 12 dogs of Christmas Ale. Tasty! Then I had one tall Jack and Ginger. From there we headed over to the Capitol Theatre to see the late shift showing of Memento. It had been a while since I’d seen it and I really looked forward to it. On the way there the wife tried to destroy the happiness that is the Marx Bros. by saying they were probably very unhappy. This discussion went up until the movie started and included several other people getting involved. Then I won tickets to see the late shift showing of Pulp Fiction.

Sunday was a more relaxed. The wifey headed over to her mom’s house to do laundry and thesis work. I stayed home wrote some and watched soccer for a bit. Then I watched George A. Romero’s Diary of the Dead. It was decent. I was preparing for Monday’s viewing of Survival of the Dead. Later that night we went to a new Indian Restaurant called Indian Flame. It was delish. A review with pictures will be written soon as we go a second time.

Monday we went to breakfast and then picked up Lindsay. We headed over to the zoo to enjoy free day. It was pretty sweet even if it was packed and my heel was hurting again.
The wife and I on the Australian adventure train:

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It was fun but got weird when the driver said:
‘Oh my mate lookit the kangaroo ova there. Ain’t she a beaut? Why I’d like to stick me little dingaroo in her pouch. Boomerang bitches”

All that but you know with an Australian accent or you know probably not at all.

We encountered a lady wearing leggings that looked like jeans as jeans. It was not pretty and I wasn’t fast enough to snap a picture. Later on the wife and Lindsay marveled at the Rhino’s dong.
After that we went home for some resting and lunch. I almost set the apartment on fire. I forgot the package my Sammy was in had metal like shit inside and yeah it started to burn in the microwave. After a nap that did nothing for us we headed out to see Survival of the Dead which was pretty good.

Damn I’m tired.

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The one where I’m the gimp

July 14, 2010

We’ve all been there before. You know sitting in a chair and hurting. In the middle of having a heated discussion with someone and then you hear a simple sentence: Bring out the gimp.

Someone leaves. There is a whole bunch of noise. Chains can be heard.

(“What the hell?” you think.) Then you see this:

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And you just know that the throbbing in your foot is the least of your worries because you know you’re going to get bleeped in your butt. And believe me there ain’t no sword wielding Bruce Willis to save you either.

Okay woah! Timeout here people. What is the matter with you? How long were you going to let me go on with that? Sick people some of you are. Okay so I’m pretty sure none of you can relate to that. If you can then all I can say is sorry some men tied you up and butt raped you like the scene from Pulp Fiction. Also that I hope your butt feels better. I couldn’t resist putting that in here because well the next in the cult movie series at the Cedar Lee is Pulp Fiction. You’ll see the other reason soon. I didn’t do it because butt rape is funny or did I? No I didn’t why would you even ask that?

Anybuttrape on to the real story. This is the true story… of seven strangers… picked to live in a house…work together and have their lives taped… to find out what happens… when people stop being polite… and start getting real…The Real World.

Scratch all of that. If I can be serious for a moment. (Yeah! Late 90s early 2000’s wrestling reference! Lance Storm High Five) Truth is I woke up the other day and the right heel of my right foot hurt like a mofo! Like my foot was a new porn star and its butt (heel) was being slammed by an angry Ron Jeremy.
Just like that you all bring butt sex back into this.

Anylongdong I think there was a point to this. Ah yes my foot hurts like a mofo (but I already said that) and I don’t like it. It appears to be Gout but forget the self diagnosis jive you want some fun stuff.

Butt sex

So this morning I was faced with a real problem. I needed to go get the kitties some food. You know like walk somewhere. I had to because if they chose to revolt and eat me it’d be a lot easier to with my gimpy leg. Off I trudged (you know across the street) to the little Coventry convenience store. I was too far away (and too gimpy) to make it to the cross walk so at the red light I crossed mid street. As I limped lamely across a red truck turned. I suppose the driver had known how many points hitting a long haired dude with a limp was. I should have asked him how many. I know from The Toxic Avenger that it’s 28 points if you get the kid and the bike! He sped up and hit his horn at the same time.

“Move it gimp”

Yeah he actually yelled that at me. Bummed by the fact that my foot hurts, I got pwned by a douche in a chevy from like 1980 I limped sadly in to the store. I picked up the kitty food and some various other things and checked out. This helped cheer me up:

(A young kid points at a magazine where a woman sits on a car with a big butt and a tiny bathing suit on)
Kid: Daddy mommy has a butt like that.

And then when I limped up to the counter this happened.

Lady: You hurt your foot sweetie?
Me: Oh yeah. The heel.
Lady: Oh sweetie how?
Me: You know the running of the bulls?
Lady: Yeah!
Me: Well we do the running of the chickens. It’s in Lakewood.*
Lady: Oh seriously?
Guy behind counter: I think he’s pulling your leg.
Lady: That’s not funny.
Me: Have a good day.

*this is not true I clearly made it all up (some asked)

See sometimes you have to get through the butt sex pain to get to the funny.

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In which I get lectured

June 9, 2010

So as a lot of you know the other day as a result of this post I got an angry email. I promised to post it and perhaps I will in full some other time. Until then I will post a couple lines.

“…I think it is clear to me at least that you don’t actually love your wife……AND I hope REALLY hope your wife wakes up and divorces you!

Wow. Nice huh? I do love my wife. In fact I’ve taken the time to write out just a few examples of the many times I’ve shown it to her (and my love too! BAM!)

Oh right.

There was another time though that I was running down a hillside that was covered with flowers, and there was a beautiful girl like 15 with pigtails and she was waving to me… and her parents didn’t know she had snuck out of the house.

That was the ‘Little House on the Prairie?

Oh. Right well…

There was that one time after saving her life (pause)

The life saving went something like this. We lived at her mom’s house at the time and I was off in the tv room watching some educational program—

Fine some sort of sports.

Anystickler the wife went down to the basement for laundry purposes and slipped and fell down the stairs. You could hear the loud thump of her nice booty and head hitting the stairs as she slid down them. She was out cold when I arrived down there. I picked her gently up into my arms and softly carried her to the hospital. She still doesn’t remember this.

Directly from saving her from that incident we kissed in the rain. I was hanging upside down and she pulled my mask up enough to kiss me.

Shut up. I’ve uh never even seen Spider-Man

Okay fine that didn’t happen either. Technically she didn’t get knocked out either and technically the time she slipped her mom came running and not me. In my defense though I didn’t hear it because I was far away in the TV room—while her mom was right above the basement.

Shut up. You are not helping.

Well there was that time that I called to her as I interrupted a live television broadcast of Charles Dickens’ classic—

Damnit. I watch too much shit. At least I didn’t use any examples from wrestling.

Uhm I love you hunny?

I don’t need to prove to any of you my love. No I need to prove it to her. I make my mistakes in that area—I know I do. It is easy to do. It really is to show you care but sometimes the easiest things can be the hardest to accomplish. Do I suck sometimes? Sure.

But I’m tryin’, Ringo. I’m tryin’ real hard to be the shepherd—Damn Pulp Fiction!

The point being she gets my humor. Anyone who has read me on more than one occasion has to or why the hell would you keep reading me? She likes my humor and well that’s part of how I show my love is. I make her laugh. I’ll go out of my way to make her laugh. When she needs a hug and a laugh it’s me she turns to.
What the hell this was supposed to be a funny post about a comment the mad emailer made. I hope (if you are reading this) that you like your new name: The mad emailer. I imagine you wearing a hat like the mad hatter but then I remember you were actually mad not crazy.

Oh wait…no too easy. Instead this came out more like a defense of who I am. Yeah real funny…Funny like Genocide!

Now that’s funny.


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