Pig man at the Summer Solstice Party

June 28, 2011

One of the first things I fell in love when I moved to Cleveland was the Art Museum. They have some great pieces, awesome lectures, and it’s free every single day. Here and here are a few posts on some of the lectures they’ve had. They also have probably my all time favorite “La Vie”.

Sometimes, when I didn’t have to be at work after school I’d get off the bus at University Circle and walk on over to the museum. I’d spend an hour or so in there and generally end up sitting in front of “La Vie.” I’d pull out my notebook and just write sitting there.

It had been a goal for a while to make it to their Summer Solstice Party. This is essentially a huge party in the museum. How awesome an idea is that? The set up is tiered. If you are (or know someone who is) Mr. Moneybags you can start the party at 6pm (Eventide) for the $175 ticket. This will get you in for the whole night and includes food and open bar. The ticket prices drop the later in the evening you show up. If you’re unemployed like me you can get 20 dollar tickets.

(15 for us cus we be members’ bitches!)

This gets you in at 10pm and includes a cash bar, which is fine because we had a pregame plan. What? Simple: Find a parking space and the drink absinthe out of plastic glasses before walking over to the event.


Lindsay and Kat got all prettified and I wore my boring dress pants and shirt. Only Pig Man took over.


Within two minutes I was followed and pulled aside by 2 girls. They were pretty drunk (or on the edge of it) and wanted to know why I was wearing the pig nose. The only thing was I hadn’t officially come up with the story yet.

(I wasn’t even calling myself pig man yet.)
(or talking in third person.)

Both of them pulled me off the escalator and each held an arm. They were really close to my face and played with pig man’s nose.

Girl2: Is there a reason you’re wearing it?
(Pig Man shrugs.)
Girl1: Is it a statement?
Girl2: Or just accessory.
Pig man: Just my nose so an accessory I guess.
Girl1: Oh mah gosh.
Girl2: Nooooo it has to mean something. Like performance art or something.
Girl2: Yeahhh.
Pig man: Like for Sugardale?
Girl2: YES, It has to be for SOME reason.
Girl1: I think it’s so cute.
(Pig man see’s his wife waiting/looking for him.)
Girl1: Byyeeeee
Girl2: Byeeeeee

For the rest of the evening pig man referred to himself in third person.

“Pig man’s so hot in here he’s gonna turn into bacon soon.”
“Pig man thanks you for your kind words.”
“Pig man appreciates you holding the door for him.”

At another point out in the huge dancing crowd a woman came up to pig man and stroked his snout.

Snout stroker: I love your nose!
Pig man: I’m sorry baby pig man’s already got a wife.

Later on pig man entered the bathroom. As he saddled up to the urinal another dude noticed him.

Bathroom talker: Oh man you’re the guy wearing the pig nose they were talking about!
Pig man: This is pig man’s real nose Pig Man ain’t wearing no nose.
Bathroom talker: Awesome man!

I didn’t bring the camera because I didn’t want us carrying it around all drunk and etc. We did hit up their photo booth.

(A photo booth! How awesome is that?)


The whole night women (some drunk and some not) just had to touch my nose. Some grabbed it, some tapped it. So what did we learn? We have definitive proof that chick’s dig a guy in a pig nose.

Pig Man don’t mind one bit.


So I tell people my name is Jacob

September 18, 2009

I guess I’ll just come out and say it:

I’m a prankster. I know to most of you this is a REAL SHOCK…..or probably not.

I like to have fun. I enjoy (as some as you may have read) to make people uncomfortable and awkward. I fill the role of jokester or court jester well. It once took a lot to get me to open up and be talkative around new people, and that has for the most part changed. I’m very friendly and at points can be very outgoing. Of course a good 40% of that time I’m just pulling the leg of whomever it is I’ve just met. Much to my wife’s dismay (sometimes) I enjoy introducing myself as Jacob to people I’ve just met. This is something I really enjoy and pride myself in. Two instances that stand out are the fiancé incident and the neighbor one.

The fiancé incident took place in Columbus whilst visiting Linzi for one of her famous bashes. I showed up and introduced myself to everyone as Jacob, Linzi’s fiancé. Yes my wife was there (we were together though not married yet) and she actually enjoyed it. I succeeded in confusing more than one person.

The other took place in our apartment building. While at a neighbor’s party I again introduced myself as Jacob, and it stuck. To this day there is a dude in our building that thinks my name is Jacob.

You should try it. Hell Jacob even has a pair of eye glasses he wears. He’s developed quite a personality. One thing is for sure he’s a lot friendlier than I am. Wait, what? Anyways some of my other forms of amusement are as follows. I’ve been known to ask for someone wearing a jersey for their autograph. For instance (dude is wearing a Lebron James jersey) I’d go up to him and say “oh my god Lebron can I get your autograph? It can be quite fun.

One time at work with a new coworker I convinced him that aisle 3 was haunted. He was very afraid to go into that aisle.

Another famous gem involves my wife, Linzi and a sweaty kiwi. Get your mind out of the gutter I mean Duncan Oughton who is from New Zealand and plays for the Columbus Crew. We had been at a match between Columbus and The U of Akron. Afterwards as the wife and Linzi walked ahead of me I saw him limping out of the field. I struck up a conversation with him. After wishing him well went back to my group. My wife saw him as he passed and said “Oh he’s cute.” So I go over towards him and say “My wife thinks your cute and says you’re her new crew boyfriend.” He turns and looks as the wife tries to flee and Linzi throws her hands up and says “I’m not the wife.” Classic. Well, he’s a cool fellow and jokes with us when my wife yells “we’re divorced.” He says “so you’re available then?” Cue their swooning because of his fun response and of course his accent. My wife was fuming but also thought it was funny. I mean you think we’d be together for 12 years if she didn’t enjoy my strange brand of humor?

The women at work thought it was mean and threatened to hit me if I was their husband. This sparked the continual telling her that they feel sorry for her and that it must be horrible to be married to me. I’m just a harmless little jokester. For the most part I put my little green and red jester suit for her entertainment. Okay I don’t put on a jester suit but I do often wear various animal noses. I do this for her. I’d jump through hoops, fall on tacks, get hit with a pie to the face, or creep out my boss to make her laugh. I love nothing more than seeing her smile and making her laugh. It really doesn’t take much. Linzi, kat and I are pretty easily amused. Proof?

How about me as Hannah Montana?


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