Things I learned from last week

February 20, 2012

It’s easier to convince people that I have a twin at the museum than you’d think. That story will be posted in a “conversations with jimi” later.

Volunteering (at work) always gets me punished. I get assigned the worst posts. I really hate checkroom. Most of my coworkers like it though.

If I start poems at work it means nothing if I don’t work on it when I get home. Lately I’ll start working on one and a manager will come in or a bunch of patrons.

I really want to produce my plays. This really explains itself. The wife and I’ve been talking about producing them again.

Scallions are my new arch nemesis. No matter where I order if I ask to have the scallions off they’ll still be on the food.

When I finally use my calendar in my phone it helps if I put the right movie time.

Chris Cornell’s voice is awesome. I knew this but his “I will always love you” cover helped me remember.

Being at a bus stop without headphones means you get to hear a ton of interesting things. I should stop and listen sometimes. It helps with creating characters. At the very least @Overheardohio would benefit.

Being in a room filled with Rembrandts is sort of stressful. I was a little on edge the whole time. It took me a while to get into a groove and feel like I was able to do a good job of making sure nothing happened.

Side note: In Cleveland? Make sure to check out the Rembrandt in America show. It is pretty sweet.

Melt bar and grilled is one of the best ways to cap off a weekend. This time around I had the TMNT Cowabunga Pizza Roll Melt: Cheese pizza rolls deep fried, rich homemade marinara, green ooze basil pesto cream chesse, Provolone and Romano cheese

Awesome cheesy movies with the three shillelaghs (Lindsay and kat) is always a great idea. This week it was Flash Gordon and The House by the Cemetery. They were at the Capitol Theatre and Cleveland Cinematheque

For your enjoyment:

And Lucio Fulci’s The House by the Cemetery:


The one with too many stories

September 12, 2011

The one thing always working (heavily.) with the public has given me is a huge pile of stories to pick from. For the most part the only people willing to pay me have been grocery stores. The fact that I worked with/for so MANY jackasses characters helped add on to the story pile.

Part of the reason I started the blog was there were funny stories that kept happening and needed their own outlet. I appear to attract weird people and weird situations. I’d like to take credit for the many funny posts that came before being laid off, but I mostly just chronicled what happened. I let the absurd public burst forth in all their bizarre glory. In some instances I helped the funny along with my reactions and interpretations. When I first got laid off I was afraid my blog would become boring.

(It already was?)
(Well that was simply mean.)
(It’s mostly these parenthesis gags that are?)
(Fair enough.)

Then the year of being unemployed happened. It was tough for many reasons but it did eventually take its toll on here. It was mostly the fact that I ended up staying home a lot. First the work stories were taken away but then I sort of cut off all contact with the public. Soon my friends would start to say “I can’t wait till you get a job so we get more work stories.” All around many missed the work stories. Who knew it would take over a year for me to find another job?

Then the good news of job hit. Not only did I get a job but it isn’t exactly the best one out there and you got it all about dealing with the public. I was excited to have a job and a little bit about having work stories to write about. It seemed the universe missed my work related stories too and decided that I needed many of them right away.

The first week was one story after another. The one with my junk, the geese and the name trouble were just the tip of the iceberg. Almost weekly I’ve been given something—some are just sitting and waiting to be typed up. A couple weeks ago I texted the rizza with:

“Dude can I go one work day without horrible things happening?”

And the wife with:

“One normal day is all I ask for. No more stories!’

Please Universe I don’t need one every day. Please.

(I’ll give up the parenthesis gag.)
(Maybe.)
(Probably not.)


Conversations with Jimi Volume 10

July 29, 2011

A short and sweet new Conversations with Jimi. Pretty funny stuff if I may say so myself.

(and I may because this is my blog!)

1.

Guy: Yo I like dem glasses they real sporty. Where u headed looking fly?
Me: Art museum.
Guy: For real? We got 1 of them?
Me …

(We are waiting for the bus that essientially drives right past the Art Museum.)

2.

Me: Sometimes I feel bad for people who come to my blog searching certain questions.
Wifey: Such as?
Me: Like someone searched “how old is Scrooge McDuck?” So that poor guy would have to read my whole blog just to come to the end and find a picture of my head on Uncle Scrooge’s body.
Wifey: What REE looks that up?

3.

Me: Make me coffee it’s my day.
@kittenkaboom: You’re not a dad.
Me: Hey u don’t know I could have a ton of kids. My stuff is POTENT.
Her: …

4.

(Urinal flushes before I’m finished.)
Me: I’m a human being!
Guy: never let u finish either?
Me: oh I just say it cus I was a robot at first.
Guy: …

5.

Me: Just call me Henry David…cus I’m thorough.
Wife:…


the one with an origin story.

July 18, 2011

The fact that the wifebot was in a show recently meant that I was at a Theatre a lot over the last three weeks. This is something I’ll rarely complain about. I love the vibe, passion and energy that flow freely at a theatre when a show is up. Strangely the audience was usually made up of older adults.

(Strange in that it wasn’t the traditional plays being performed.)

I rarely miss a show of hers and this time was no different. I was at every single performance even the preview show. This means a lot of time around actors and directors, which for me is always a little strange. I dig them; it just always feels a little weird.

This also (generally) means I’m going to field the “you’re a playwright?” or “what are you writing over there?” questions. You can throw in the paranoia that I’m writing what they are saying or writing about them.

Now I’ve been known to steal conversations and clearly there is overheard Ohio but come on people. Not everything is about you. One night I was talking to an actor and they asked why I didn’t submit to the fest.

(And that is a story of my idiotic messing up of the deadline.)

As I talked over my glass of complimentary wine a dude who had been eyeing me as I wrote made his way to where I was sitting. As I returned from the wine table/my conversation he asked if I was going to be sitting there again. I told him he could have that seat as I was gonna walk around a bit.

He frowned and said “I was hoping you’d have a seat with me. I’d like to ask you some things.”

Jimi: Fuck that shit can’t you see I was working on some writing?

Or

Jimi: Sure why not.

I sat. He peered at me.

Him: I heard you’re a playwright.
Me: yeah.
Him: How does one go about becoming a playwright?
Me: Write plays? I mean I found my passion there and see things on the stage now.

The conversation went on from there. Mostly about how, what and why I write plays. He asked if I could talk about the play I was working on with him.

You may or may not know that the play I’m working on is a struggling playwright (ha ha) who gets dumped, fired, and rejected on the same day. He gets drunk and wants a simpler time. He remembers (and longs for) the time fondly when he was young and had an imaginary friend. His friend’s name is Percy T. Whale and yes he is a walking talking whale. He wishes for him and he returns. The problem? Percy is a drunk, annoying jerk who only causes trouble.

So I tell him this and he starts to get into it. He‘s asking questions and throwing out suggestions. He asks if I’ve considered letting someone writing a scene or two for me.

(Uhm?)

As the conversation continues it seems more and more like he’s hoping I’ll ask him to collaborate with me. Luckily Lindsay came and I was saved. The next week an older lady heard I’d seen every show—I help out the theatre doing whatever I can—and asked me why. When she found out that my wife is an actress and I’m a playwright she began asking questions.

I talked all the while hoping she’d ask me how I became a playwright.

Origin of a playwright:

When I was twelve I hated reading and loved math. I wanted to grow up and do something in the math field. One day while walking around and solving math problems in my head I came across a dog. I went to pet it and it bit my arm. I passed out.

When I woke up I was in the hospital and the doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I had a fever and just started writing and writing plays. I wrote until the fever went down and I’ve been a playwright ever since.

She didn’t ask but that will be what I tell the next person.


The one with child locks

May 10, 2011

Hey there interwebbers! I’ve been a bit busy with gorging myself on many a restaurant and visiting with family. So I’ve been a little preoccupied. Fear not I’ve been soaking up adventures to post.

(Yeah right.)

As of late the wifebot has been a bit trigger happy on the child locks. This really does nothing when it comes to the door—it locks the doors but the front passenger will still open. Now the windows stay locked no matter what seat you are in.

So the lovely wife out of fear the trouble I would cause with an open window employs the child lock liberally. I apparently have a habit of yelling “weird” things at people as we pass them by. It’ll go something sort of like this:

Generic driving trip.

(I see someone or something that clicks something in my head.)

Me (to the car): Funny or weird comment.
(I turn toward the window and prepare to open it.)

Kat: No!
(She hits child lock.)

Me: I’m not a child!

Sometimes I throw in “You can’t censor me!”

Lately though she is taking no chances. It just has to seem like I may be saying something and bam child locks! She’s taken to saying “you’ve lost your window privileges.” And then “You have to earn them back.” It may be because I do it so much or a little bit to do with the weather is just turning nice enough to have the window down.

The other day she locked it for no real reason and then as we left wherever we went she unlocked it and said “go ahead enjoy it while it lasts.” I yelled something pretty much at everyone we passed. I said odd but not mean stuff.

Or for instance:

We passed by a valet parking guy (working for MVP) and I said to him: “You sir are my MVP”

Or as we came upon a dude pushing a stroller: “That is some awesome stroller pushing.”

See? Supportive gestures on my part. As we came up Little Italy there was (probably) a family outside. They were just chilling and talking and etc. The adult hugged the young girl and I called out:

“Don’t kill her!”

And the wifebot pushed the window up and said I lost all window privileges. I still say I was just doing my civic duty. Perhaps he thought it would be okay to kill her but now knows it’s wrong? You never know. Apparently this good deed is frowned upon.

Nice job reading guys!


The one with change

March 30, 2011

Monday I had a job interview. It went pretty smoothly. I’m in line for a 2nd interview. This post is not about that though. No this post is what happened on my way to the interview. It let me know that the interview would be a success.

As I walked up Coventry to where I had to catch the number 32 bus a man approached me. I’d seen him before and knew what would be asked. I was not in a hurry but you know tense about making the interview on time.

Dude: Hey my man!
Me: Sorry homes I don’t got anything for ya today.
Dude: I just need a dollar or so.
Me: Sorry only got money that’ll get me a bus pass.
Dude: Got nothing you can help a brother with?
Me: No.
Dude: I just need some change.
Me: You don’t need to change I like you just the way you are?
Dude: ….
Me (As I walked away): Have a great day.
Dude: It’s like that?

Based on the awesomeness of my “You don’t need to change line.” I knew the rest of the day would work out nicely.

Photobucket

Now this guy would get change from me. Though I hope he just means to buy the material for it because I’m pretty sure a Jedi needs to construct their light saber.


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