The one where I say somethings but not really

June 30, 2010

So I’ve been bad at this jive lately. I admit I’ve been rather absent. I know there have been all sorts of rumors going around.

(I know there weren’t any rumors just play along sheesh!)


Reading ‘On the Road’ so many (9) times finally got to me and I ran off for the rails.
I got a job as a male escort and was too embarrassed to tell anyone.
I fell into a World Cup coma.
I devoted all my time to charities out of the goodness of my heart.

Well let me address each one of these. I have read ‘On the Road’ a lot (like I said 9 times) and each time I sort of get the desire to run off, but I’d miss my wife too much. What you can’t run off and bring a family! Next up don’t be silly nobody would want me as a male escort and if I did get that job I’d be all up in your grills about it bitches. This one is close. I mean I was a zombie. I really didn’t want to do anything but enjoy the world cup. I watched every second of every match until my sister flew in from the 305 and messed it all up. I keed love ya sis! The last one—yeah right—can you see that? Let’s be honest Lou you paid for the women (Yeah vague movie reference! Anyone but my wife gets that and I’ll give you a prize!) I’m a dick. I’m somewhere between the characters of Seinfeld and Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

You want the truth?

I was off on a very dangerous and secret safari. I can’t tell you where but I can prove it:

Hark I’ve spotted the beast over yonder! Behold the wonder!


But then tragedy struck:

I was all zounds the beast is upon me!


Have no fear your selfless hero was not injured in the making of said pictures. To be honest I started writing this post a few hours ago and stopped to look for jobs. I have no real firm idea where I was going with this. That’s okay I’m witty and smooth. This isn’t my first post I can handle this.

Be witty.
Oh I just remembered I uh left my iron on gotta run….

I really would have love to finish this post right there. It would have been mad funny yo. I’ve been busy watching the World Cup and entertaining my sister. That is why I’ve been bad but you already knew that.
I think the real reason for this post was simply to post those highly comical poses.

Did it work?
Oh …crap I just realized I left the oven on!

I feel Rambo’s pain

April 16, 2010

Going out of my way to do (social) things and take advantage of opportunities on my own experiment #2

Event: Paul Muldoon Poetry reading.
Where: John Carroll University
When: 7:30pm

Obstacle: You may or may not know this but I’ve got like 5 (1 being my wife) actual friends. So the problem went like this. 1 of them never heard of Paul Muldoon and was busy. The one who knew who Paul Muldoon was couldn’t make it. The wife had class and well the other two—I wouldn’t even ask because they’d just laugh and laugh like stoned hyenas. cute little friends* So I had to go it alone.

To save time I had the wife drop me off down at the campus. What? It made things easier—I’d have to take 2 buses to get down there and I’d rather not. So she dropped me off but it was of course about 2 hours early. So I sat outside the University in the sun to read. It was nice out and there was sort of a breeze. I pulled out first a book of his poetry and then after the first person interrupted me to talk boring shit I switched to On the Road.

It was weird. There were way too many children there for whatever reason. Also dogs—one of which was being carried in a girls book bag. So as I sit there a dude comes up on his phone and this happens:

Dude: Hey is your name Steve?
Me: Yeah.
Dude (to phone): Hold on a sec. (to Steve): Yeah? We had Mr. So and so (not actual professor name) in such and such class (don’t remember that either)?
Steve: Totally.
Dude: You remember his hair? Big and like—
Steve: It was crazy.
Dude: Well I gotta run but see you around…
Steve: (goes back to reading)

That interaction was sort of fun but I guess it was wrong too, because it opened the flood gates. I guess that was karma? I dunno. The thing was from that point on little kids would talk to me for no reason and other people would too. I kept getting weird looks like nobody ever sat outside and read. So when I heard the statement “good choice in reading” I was ready to be not again! I somehow didn’t register the Irish accent until I looked up to see Paul Muldoon. Yeah! I got to talk to one of my favorite poets about the beat poets and etc for a few minutes! Double yeah.

Anypoet I tired of sitting because that’s really all I do these days. I decided to take a little walk, accept I really just sort of wandered around in front of the business down the block. I was writing some notes on some poems I was working as I did. When I passed a bunch of these older couples they all sorta stared at me and seemed bothered by me. I took up residence near a no loitering sign because of this. After a few more minutes of reading and some looks one of the people went into the business establishment. About a minute after the customer came back (not that I know they asked the guy to but it was a neat coincidence) to the table an older dude wearing an apron came out and:

Guy in apron: “Time to move on?”
Me: What?
Apron fucker: Did you need anything? I saw you walking back and forth?
Me: I’m just waiting for something to start at the school.
Apron Fucker: Oh well if you need some help or something.

What the hell did I walk into Rambo remake (albeit a lame whimpy one where he is a poet) or something? I was waiting for Brian Dennehy to offer to give me a ride outta town. I must say I was pretty menacing with my Star Wars messenger bag and my tye dye Lake Eerie Monsters tee. Then hilariously as I walked back toward the campus I’m pretty sure a student driving off yelled “hippie” at me.

Anystallone I get back in and find it starts at 7:30 and not 7pm. Oh well. I read and listen to people talk until I see my arch nemesis former professor. I did well to overcome this obstacle and avoid her for the entirety of the reading.

Was that the last obstacle of the night? No. The next one was sitting through the young guy making sure the lights and mic worked. He felt the need to discuss everything from dreams to poetry to comedy. He thought he was funny (and I suspect desperately hoped he was) but he was not. He offered to speak in an Irish accent (Muldoon is Irish) and then proceeded to use the worst one almost ever. Then he went into an old Billy Crystal sketch. I still don’t know why. He was painful to watch. I bet he drinks his breakfast and will soon eat the barrel of a shotgun.

Damn that was harsh.

Finally the poet was in front of the room. He graciously read for about 50 minutes and was wonderful. Hearing the motivation behind the poems was great. After the reading he hung around and signed books and just chatted with you. I got to talk to him for about 10 minutes. It was pretty awesome.

The verdict: A major success. I mean sure it got a little odd there and I had some weirdo yell at me on the bus for telling him I didn’t go to John Carroll. He was all “whhhhhaaaaaat whaddaya mean. The nerve of some people!” but I suppose that was fun too.

*Stems from an incident in which I tried to share a poem that meant a lot to me (and really hit home) from one of my favorite poets. Paul Muldoon. The only problem was that the two silly laughing twins wouldn’t let me get past Paul Muldoon, without laughing. I of course made the mistake of continuing to try and read the poem and of course they found this funnier and funnier. It wasn’t helped by the fact that they thought his name was Robert and I tried to tell them they were wrong but they wouldn’t believe me. Now when they remember I have to sit through calls or tweets of Roberrrrrrrt.

Post it Note Tuesday: Let’s get dangerous.

March 16, 2010

Okay so I’m going to go all Darkwing Duck on you here and say: Let’s get complainy. I know Darkwing Duck’s catch phrase was “Let’s get dangerous” and not let’s get complainy. I also know that complainy really isn’t a word.

Oh man I just realized most of you probably won’t get the Darkwing Duck reference.


Oh well. Either way here is your Post it Notes for this Tuesday Enjoy these (probably not: I wouldn’t blame ya) and if you want to read some more just clicky click the pic below. If you want to make your own go here.

Now that the advertising for the lovely supah is done let me get down to the business of being whiney awesome:

Yeah this one sort of speaks for itself. I lurve my new iphone.


So there is this train whistle like noise that goes off somewhere near our apartment like every 5 minutes. Have no idea what the hell it is. I may have to take a walk to explore.


I’ve been reading ‘On the Road’ again by Jack Kerouac. This of course leads me to want to ride the rails and hitch the country.


Speaking of reading I finally found a copy of The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test. I’ve read it before but really needed to own it and thanks to Half Price Books I now do.


Apparently I’m a (co)director now. We had our first meeting/read through last night. I’m a bit freaked out but you know that’s probably a good thing. That may


I complain about commercials a lot in these but for some reason those “Crazy King” commercials from Burger King really piss me off. I don’t know why it just does.


Now I’m all for nostalgia. I mean its part of the reason I still watch wrestling is the fact that I watched it with my mom when I was younger. The Nasty Boys were great then but these days they sort of flop around like manatees who had bad knees surgically attached but don’t know how to use them.


Day 1 of unemployment was really uneventful. This is especially true in terms of writing. I didn’t work on anything. Hell I didn’t even write a blog post. That will simply have to change.

Look Ma no Job, but at least I still got hands!

March 12, 2010

Today can be cliché. Well more so this Sunday at the god awful hour of 7am can be cliché. Why? On that day at 3 pm I get the chance to look at it as the first day of the rest of my life. I know what you are thinking everyday is the first day of the rest of your life Jimi! True, but it isn’t the end of time spent working hard for Zagara’s Marketplace is it? No Sunday is.

Ha! Take that!

I plan to take this opportunity to look to the future. A new beginning. Sure this blog will still be filled with the same jive as before (except minus some entertaining characters) but I will be different. Mostly it’ll be the sitting at home but you know whatever. I plan to use this opportunity to write, write my ass off (which it could use a lot written off) even.

I’m a bit nervous sure, but I’m also excited. I’ve agreed to co-direct (with the wifey) my friend’s play. That is a new one for me. I’m a little freaked out about it but also very excited. He is talented and we share the same inspirations and humor. I may not have a job just yet but this will lead to 3 initial good things.

1. More focus on writing.
2. More reading.
3. Watching March Madness.

I have to figure out a daily minimum in terms of writing time and a weekly minimum in terms of page output. Also find lots of people to chat it up with on aim,facebook and gchat because I need lots of talking when writing. Anyone interested?

Bueller? Didn’t think so.

Anyferris I embark on this I draw on two people and two quotes.

“They have worries, they’re counting the miles, they’re thinking about where to sleep tonight, how much money for gas, the weather, how they’ll get there – and all the time they’ll get there anyway, you see.” — Jack Kerouac (On the Road: The Original Scroll)

“My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball. But tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!” –Kang.
That is some deep stuff even if you voted for Kodos.

I’m not explaining that one, but I sure hope someone gets it.

%d bloggers like this: