the one with art

October 8, 2013

Once when attempting to get into the building for a show my play was a part of this happened.

them: are you one of the artists?
me: Yes I’m the playwright.
them: so you aren’t an artist?
me:  that’s debatable.

Well jokes on you sucker because now I’m an artist too. That’s right Cleveland not only do I write bad blogs, poetry and plays but now I make bad art too.

As of late I’ve seen things…

(Dead people)

differently. Not every flash of an idea is solely on the stage or a poem. I’ve become fascinated by how objects can change words. My first foray was for the staff art show. The name of the piece is Hope Springs.


Hope Springs



That’s right I have a piece of art in the Cleveland Museum of Art. The staff art show is up through December. Check it out because we have some talented artist there.

And then there is the Altered Octavos show.

This month in celebration of Octavofest, Loganberry Books is holding an altered book show/contest called Altered Octavos.  The show is up now in their Annex gallery and runs through October.

For my piece, Jesus Always Bets The Over, I turned a bible into a reliquary.

Jesus Always Bets The Over

It explores how football has become the new religion. Apparently cutting up a bible is still shocking to people. The show is pretty sweet and has two other Museum employees. Loganberry Books is awesome. If you get a chance stop by and check it out.

You can even vote for the pieces you like.




The one where I start a new league

February 6, 2012

So apparently the Super Bowl was on a couple of days ago. I actually knew that, even if a few weeks ago, I made plans to watch a silent film at the Cleveland Cinematheque at the very same time the game was going to be on. Luckily we switched the date to watch The Fall of the House of Usher to the Saturday before. I was free to sit back and cheer against Tom Brady and his dumb bowl haircut.

In what should have been posted beforehand news: I started the cat vs. cat vs. wife pick ‘em league. First match up was the Super Bowl.

I attempted to film this for hilarity, but it really failed. I do hope to work it in the future though. It went something like this:

Me: (Dropping two crumpled up pieces of paper on the ground: one says NY, the other NE) Now get them!

(Rasputin just looks.)

Me: Damnit.

(I throw them again. This time the left over paper falls off of the table, and he runs for those.)

Bastards! I will make this work!

AnyNonAgreeableCats, here were the results.

Csonka: Giants
Rasputin: Patriots
Wife (aloud – I did not make her chase paper): Patriots

So Csonka races out to the lead. Although when Tom Brady and the Patriots lose, doesn’t everyone?

Next up will be the NBA All Star game. Stay tuned.


The one where I should cut n paste

August 23, 2010

Before I fully get started a bit of business. I want you to head on over to the B Movie Brigade to check out the latest Monday’s Maniac by yours truly. Follow the brigade on twitter @bmoviebrigade!

With that done shall we recap one another?

Don’t worry I’ve been tested.

Well Friday you can read about it in this post from Saturday. It’s quite a fun post.

(I can’t actually back that statement up)

Saturday like most of the previous ones included a whole lot of sitting down and doing nothing. The wifey dropped the car off to have it checked out for the 3 shillelaghs big roadie to Key West. This caused some great concern and some anxious moments. News came back of what needed to be taken care of and now we wait to see how much it is.

Ah waiting is so fun isn’t it?

Anyhatewaiting I watched some nice soccer yet again. I really should just start cutting and pasting these things.

Can you say phone it in!

After the EPL match I managed to get some writing in. The MIL (I need to give her a nickname because MIL makes me want to type MILF and well I won’t be going there) wanted to take me to dinner as a late b-day dinner. We headed over to the Aladdin’s for some grub. Sticking to (and getting back on track with) the diet I had a Shish Kabob salad. I ordered it with the Tahini Yogurt Dressing (like always) but with a side of the Zesty Sweet Tomato one too. I had been interested in trying that one and felt it was time to pull a “do it already jimi!” It was a delish meal. Here is a pic snapped before devouring it:


Looked exactly like that except more like an actual salad and less like a man with veggies on. Plus you know like not at all. That is from ATHF by the way. If you don’t like that show I will break up with you.

Like seriously.

We had a nice long talk with ILM (In law mother) which was cool because it’d been a while since we had one. Plus you know I don’t turn down free stuff.

Afterwards we (wifey and I) went back home and I planted myself in front of the tube to watch the Browns pre season game. Watching lead to this exchange:

Disclaimer: I don’t normally yell at pre season games.
Me: Oh come on jeez!
Wife (from other room): What?
Me: Sports.
(She made me institute a rule of saying sports after yelling at the TV so she knows nothing “real” is wrong.)
Wife: See this is why I hate you watching football.
Me: Why?
Wife: You yell so much.
Me: I yell at soccer.
Wife: No you don’t

*That didn’t actually happen. Don’t send me anymore emails about my wife leaving me angry email sender it hurts my feelings**

**It doesn’t actually.

We then headed over to the Capitol theatre to see “This is Spinal Tap.” Oh man there is nothing better than seeing a movie you love on the big screen and for 5 bucks. That was at midnight. When we got home and settled down it was about 3 am and we hit the hay.

Sunday started off as one big fail. First I woke up about 10am to a wicked headache. Then the cable remote wasn’t working. Once I got that taken care of the TV wouldn’t work right. Finally I got all 3 to obey me.

Soccer time yeah!

Then a trip to Aldi’s which was only worth mentioning because of the young kid there. He was walking around pointing this like lollipop necklace thing at people going:

“laser. Laser.”

I do believe he was shooting people (including the wife and I) with it.

Awesome and funny.

Of course Sunday was time for the finally Marx Bros movie being played at the Cleveland Cinematheque. Good time as always. Watch em bishes (and you thought you’d get away without me using that!) cause they’re great.

Once home we settled in together to be romantical. Syfy was showing Predator 2 and we snuggled up. Okay actually she was cleaning up around the living room but we snuggled up in spirit and soul. Interesting note: It stars Maria Conchita Alonso who we saw in The Vagina Monologues.

She found a card from me that had this in it: ‘I wouldn’t change what we have for all the tiny magical gnomes I could fit into a suitcase.”

I dropped some poetical shit on you bishes (haha 2 now!) with that line there.

Hope you had a good weekend and feel like telling me about it. DO IT!

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Me, Myself and Bernie Kosar?

March 29, 2010

I must warn this post is probably a little distorted. One because it had two extremes-equal parts awesome and fail. It was like a science experiment or something you’d read on Not that kind of Girl’s blog.

If you don’t read her you really should.

Anyhizzle so as you may or may not know I’m not the easiest person to get to socialize. I mean if I know you I’m very open and friendly. I’ve grown as a person quite a bit over the last years. I do things. I go places and put myself in situations that I would never have before moving to Cleveland. There is still a bit of the old me in me (sweet scoring with myself!) and at times I’m a tad reluctant to do things. I should rephrase that a tad: I’m reluctant to do things on my own. I’m not one of those guys who need total separation from the wife to have fun. In fact I’m the total opposite. The wife does nothing but add to whatever fun is going down. She is a ton of fun. Read her here or get her tweety tweets.

Okay commercial for her over.

I mean. I love my wife (unlike seemingly everyone I used to work with. They continually complained bitterly about theirs.) And like to spend time with her. This is not to say we are attached at the hip to have fun. I can have fun and not be with her, but it’d be a lie if I was say she wouldn’t add to my enjoyment.
There are factors that go into my reluctance. I must say here it’s a reluctance to go to things alone. By alone I don’t mean sans wife I mean literally by myself. No wife or friends—just me. I won’t lie I’m much more comfortable with a pen in my hand alone writing. There was a time where if I didn’t have friends I was pretty sure I wouldn’t care. Books and writing. The other factor is the no license/car. This makes going places more difficult. What was the point to all this? Well Thursday night I went against my instinct and went out. Yes (gasp) by my lonesome. Twitter came through yet again for me. I saw that The Cleveland Gladiators were having an open house and free scrimmage.

A sidebar: I rant get over it. Twitter gets a bad rap sometimes. I know a bunch of people who are like “Twitter! Yeah that’s a waste of time.” I also know someone who won’t get onboard the twitter train (chooo choooo) because it’s called twitter and this bothers him somehow. It has been a great way to find new and interesting reads, restaurants and I’ve met people I consider good friends and hang with consistently. Plus if not for twitter I’d never heard about the scrimmage and therefore what happened wouldn’t have.

Anytwitter this is about me and the Gladiators. So I hear about this and I think “yeah I can go for that.” I mean since the unemployment I’ve done mostly sitting in the apartment during the day. I’ve gone for walks everyday but still majority of the time was sitting in the apartment writing. This is a good thing of course but probably be good to get out too. I tried to get peeps interested in going but nothing panned out. The wife had school to go to so if it was going to happen it was gonna be all me. Cue the cartoon devil on one shoulder angel on the other. Only it was me arguing/coming up with excuses and the rizza telling me to go for it. So I did. I jumped. That meant one bus and rapid ride down and one each back. Did I mention it started to snow and get windy again? Full disclosure it wasn’t all that much snow, but still. As luck would have it the wife was able to drop me off downtown, cutting my bus/rapid ride in half. I got down there early and hit up the mall food court for some dinner. Yeah Mall Chinese! Click here to go the Dictionary of Jimi to find out the meanings of my rambles. So I sat down with my bourbon chicken and ate. The whole while this lady who looked about 60 sat down the table closest to me and proceeded to eat her taco bell burrito like she was in prison. She huddled near it and kept her eye on me the whole time.

After the yumminess that was Mall Chinese I walked over to the Q. That’s the arena that hosts the Cavs, Monsters and Gladiators for those of you who didn’t know. So I get there and of course set off the damn metal detector. I had to unzip my coat and let them scan me. Then I had to take all my damn pens out of my pocket. Yes I had about 10 in there, and I forgot about my IPhone so then I had to take that off too. Then it still went off because of my belt buckle but yeah finally I get in there. I pick out a cozy seat in the 4th row (which I had all to myself) and relaxed.

Checked into 4square of course. (shut up!)

Then thankfully I got thirsty. I decided I needed a drink and went out to get one. In the hallway I ran into some dude I went to College with and he proceeded to chat me up. So we’re there in the hallway between the concourse and the lower bowl. He’s blabbing and then what happens but Bernie freaking fracking Kosar walks up.

Okay now if you are someone who doesn’t know who Bernie Kosar is click here. I also really hope you have the excuse that you’re not from Cleveland.

We both (read he) stop talking and silently gawk at him. The Cleveland football god! I do believe there were rays of light (held by Jesus himself) shining in his general direction but that was never confirmed. He’s busy being prepped and we’re busy gawking and well gawking. He then comes over and seeing as us gawkers are in his way stops. I’m wearing a Miami Dolphin shirt. He asks me if I’m a Miami Hurricane fan too. This got us talking about The Hurricanes, Dolphins and of course the Browns. I shook his hand about 60 bazillion times and he signed my Gladiators’ roster:


He then went down, signed and took pictures with people and then gave a short intro to the scrimmage. It was fanfuckintastic. It was a fun time at the scrimmage. Soon a really drunk dude and his younger siblings came and he kept asking me annoying questions like “which team are we?” He could not understand the concept of a scrimmage or why there was no score being kept. Then he asked who that guy everyone is taking pictures of is and when I told him Bernie Kosar, he asked me “Who’s Bernie Kosar?” That is when I turned around and ignored him for the rest of the night. A girl who was pretty wasted too moved over to sit next to me and have me explain the rules to her. After the scrimmage I decided instead of going on to the field to meet the players (a bunch of which would soon be cut) I’d just head on home. I mean it was a fun time and I met Bernie Kosar it wasn’t going to get much better.

So I head back to the rapid station and the girl who sat next to me comes with all the while asking me question after question. I’m so annoyed and trying to be nice. The problem was I sort of got lost in my explanation of things and just got on her train. I thought she said she was taking the same one as I was and I didn’t pay attention. She then sat next to me and yammered the whole time. Halfway through I realize I’m on the wrong freaking train, and that my phone is dying. The only way to get back to a train that I could get on to get where I would need to go to catch my bus is pretty much go all the way back to where I started. By the time this would’ve happened the last bus would have been long gone. Luckily the wife had just entered Cleveland and I got off at Shake Square to wait there. Now a diner that had an open sign lit up and their sign on the door still turned to open was not actually open. I went in and they proceeded to yell at me. I was starving and planned on buying food while I waited but I wanted a place to stay in from the cold too. I headed back out to the rapid station waiting area to at least sit. Luckily I had some Kerouac to read. Of course as soon as I was immersed a tall, older and extremely drunk black dude came in. He said “Hi, my man.” And I said “Good day sir” Nailed that huh?

Anydrunk he ignored the fact that I was reading and talked and talked. Told me how it was his birthday the next day and how he wasn’t going to do shit. Not a god damn thing but lay there. He don’t care who calls. He’ll party for his b-day another day. The best was he looked around and whispered “I come out here to party. Drop like 400 bucks for the night and party and then take this train back to Cleveland Heights to live. Safety over there not in the hood, I just party out here.” The train came and I wished him a happy birthday. He only replied with “Birthday?” Then the wife came and all was well.

Experiment: Go somewhere on my own.
Result: Met Bernie freaking Kosar, but then had a horrible travel fail. You gotta take the good with the bad.

The next day for lunch I ordered something I would generally never ordered. I liked it too.

Bozo of the week and football say what?

October 9, 2009

Perhaps since bozo the clown is always top on the search list of what brings peeps to my blog maybe I should call it the Bozo of the week. Hmmm. Ah the potential….

Bozo/catch of the week/will come up with a better title is:


Dave Grzyb

So football is big in some places we can agree on this yeah? Real big, especially in places like Texas, Mississippi and of course Alabama. This little gem comes to us from Alabama. Now I’ll start with acknowledging this was probably just some nothing spat, and both sides didn’t press charges. That may be the case. It may not be. On to the story though. Way back in August at the start of the Alabama Football season there was an altercation between a Bama football player and his then girlfriend. It basically went like this: A crazy person woman slapped her roided up musclehead football playing boyfriend because he was talking to another girl. So far everything is so logical…..right. He then grabbed her by the hair and neck and apparently tried to shove her down she freed herself (doesn’t bode well for The Bama defense if he couldn’t tackle her huh?) and swung/missed him. Both were promptly arrested. Flash forward to her dad (Dave Grzyb) and he’s pretty pissed at said player right? No, he is very supportive of him. He called the coach to defend him and also said this:

“I hate to see this guy get in too much trouble because I honestly think it was probably initiated by my daughter. I don’t think he laid a hand on her. He just tried to restrain her to keep from getting hit again.”

After the court hearing where both cases were tossed he covered her from the media but turned to them and yelled “Roll Tide” before exiting. Now that is some fan huh? Guess fan really is taken from fanatic huh?

As we left India Garden last night the topic turned to first Kellen Winslow or scrotal staph and then Braylon Edwards. Keep in mind I was with Lindsay (@lviboheme) and the wife (@kittenkaboom) and to say neither could care less about football is a vast understatement. My wife started to explain about Braylon Edwards to Lindsay using all the appropriate terms (No not block for hands or incompletions but wide receiver), which is funny in of itself. Lindsay didn’t care and this brought out the fact that neither of them can understand/follow/learn the rules of football. Believe me people have tried. I really don’t understand this because the rules really aren’t that difficult to grasp and I consider them to be very smart. I’d venture to say 3x smarter than I am and I can easily grasp it. It really boils down I suppose to the fact that they simply don’t care. I mean they watch soccer and understand that. In truth though the rules there are a bit more simplistic.

Run 50 yards this way kick the ball to the other guy wearing the same shirt you are he runs 15 yards sideways and then misses the goal by 6 feet.


Rim shot please!

I kid. I kid. I love the footy, and that really wasn’t that funny. Is this live? Oh.

A new segment starts today and that is my wife vs. my cats in football pick em.

I will ask my wife and she’ll pick however she does, and then the cats will have the options to play with 2 pieces of paper. One will represent one team and clearly the other piece the other team.

First pick (no video cause the battery needs charging):

Louisiana Tech vs. Nevada

A few tidbits on the two teams:

LA Tech: Colors: Red and (Tech?)blue Nickname: Bulldogs. One of Tech’s great traditions is the players rubbing a bronze bulldog statue commemorating Tech’s entry into Division 1A football as they enter the stadium

Nevada: Colors: Blue and silver Nickname: Wolfpack Alphie: Nevada’s wolf mascot. Alphie replaced cousin “Wolfie” as the institution’s mascot earlier this decade following Wolfie’s reign that began in the 1970s.

Wife: La Tech

Csonka: Nevada

Rasputin: La Tech

What I learned from last week

September 21, 2009

We all learn from our mistakes right? Our daily can impart valuable and useful information sometimes. People at work think I’m this whimsical fun loving rapscallion and for the most part that can be true. I’m a firm believer of just fucking do it and if people wanna look at you like you’ve lost your marbles just scream “take a picture it’ll last longer!” or “yeah I’ve lost my marbles and now I can’t fly!” Yes a vague Hook reference in the middle of a random post. How awesome is that? Where was I (and why is that question so common in my blogs?) Be random, be weird wait I wasn’t totally going for that. Scratch that…well no don’t scratch it but I mean I can be very calculating in my fun and antics. I can also be very somber and low key. I think things through and well quite often regret things. I mean it is a real problem. I regret things I’ve said in the fucking sixth grade. I stay up late at night being chase by demons of yester year. This is probably better left for another post though—you know the I regret things too much post. Aren’t you excited for it? Anyways the point is we can all learn from what happens day in day out. It may be don’t go to that bar again, or stay away from so and so, or I really liked putting that pig nose on and drinking heavily. It can lead to the discovery of small things that we really like, and here at the cheap seats we’re all about the small things. Damn walked right into that one! So dear reader if you aren’t totally confused, put off or ready to leave the blog because of this rambling inconsistent intro read on!

What I learned from last week:

You can get a piece of glass stuck in your finger while only working with produce.

Apparently fights on twitter aren’t only for football players and celebrities.

That caramel apple coffee creamer from coffeemate is so so. Taste good but wouldn’t be my first choice.

N.P.H is enough to get me to watch The Emmy’s instead of Sunday Night Football, even if it’s the only time I’ll get to watch NFL football.

My employers must hate me. I mean fairness in scheduling includes working every Sunday for the past month though they know I need Sunday off, and closing every night next week.

My wife (@kittenkaboom) wears her heart on her sleeve and I love her for it. She also wears her heart on her sleeve when it comes to picking NFL games. She picks the Browns to win repeatedly.

That a smiley emoticon means nothing anymore.

That cuddling in bed with the wife on a mild Saturday afternoon while watching soccer is one of the best ways to spend my time. It’s true even if she was sleeping the whole time.

Handmade “We want Freejack” tee shirts are just plain awesome.


we want freejack

The fact that the wife would make them/wear one even though she hasn’t even seen the movie is just another sign of how awesome she is.

We want Freejack!

It is okay to hope the N.Y. Jets win if and only if they are helping to knock the New England Patriots off their pedestal for a bit. They’re both wankers though.

Eating once a day is a pretty easy way to lose weight. It however is probably not too smart.

Those asking to have some sort of produce reduced are rarely young and attractive.

My obsession with Spider-Man goes as far as almost picking up a (probably) dirty plastic bag because he’s on it. Also there was once a Spider-Man book bag (very small child’s) thrown in the bushes and I pondered picking it up. I didn’t because I was positive it’d end up being some kidnapped kid’s bag and I’d be arrested.

I’ve got a very active imagination.

International talk like a pirate day is vastly underrated in its awesomeness.

That when stressed out it always manifest itself in my neck. A very large amount of pain shows up in my neck when stressed out. I think this pain in my neck is a metaphor for people I work with.

I don’t deal well with change (at least of the work variety)

When an alcoholic continually makes jokes about being an alcoholic it gets very creepy.

I care way too much about a place that doesn’t really care all that much about me.

I actually really wish I was still in school.

I miss the effort, work, thought and camaraderie that comes with a stage production.

That it took me about 5 years to figure out how to spell camaraderie.

How big a nerd I really am. As I read Green Lantern Blackest Night I totally geeked out when Aquaman rose from the dead to join the ranks of the Black Lanterns.

That half the people who read the above statement probably has no clue what it means.

I waste entirely too much coffee trying to drink it while writing. If I’m actually writing it just sits there and gets old and cold.

Making breakfast and letting it sit next to you for an hour while you work on your script does not equal eating it.

I’m really looking forward to going to see the Columbus Crew twice in one month.

I’ve always become a snob as to where I sit but only when it comes to soccer. I can sit in the nose bleed sections for anywhere else, but have become accustomed to great seats for soccer.

When I haven’t seen l-rizz in a long time I get all out of whack and down.

Thankfully Linzi and the wife are pretty good at combating that.

I haven’t introduced myself as Jacob in a long long time.

That I’ve neglected Stiller’s Cleve-o tour greatly

tre country

That this probably doesn’t replace a thoughtful real post.

*Anyone who gets the Stiller Reference (not already in the know) will totally get some sort of prize*

So what did you learn from last week?

My wife picks them

September 20, 2009

So I thought it’d be entertaining if I had my wife pick the winners of the NFL Season. When we were first dating I’d quiz her randomly having her pick the winners and amazingly she’d pick rather expertly. One season she was actually about the 72% right range. Of course I immediately wanted to use this to win in Vegas but I’m sure the luck (or whatever it is) would end if I tried. These picking sessions usually involve me saying: Baltimore at San Diego and then waiting. At this point she’ll look up and say “say it again” or “one more time.” Clearly she doesn’t take it seriously but it will be fun to see. This season I’ll post her picks here and hopefully come up with some fun ways to do so. Perhaps pictures, videos and reenactments. Who knows? Last week which I was too lazy to post had to work and forgot to post she was 8-8.

So I thought it’d be entertaining if I had my wife pick the winners of the NFL Season. When we were first dating I’d quiz her randomly having her pick the winners and amazingly she’d pick rather expertly. One season she was actually about the 72% right range. Of course I immediately wanted to use this to win in Vegas but I’m sure the luck (or whatever it is) would end if I tried. These picking sessions usually involve me saying: Baltimore at San Diego and then waiting. At this point she’ll look up and say “say it again” or “one more time.” Clearly she doesn’t take it seriously but it will be fun to see. This season I’ll post her picks here and hopefully come up with some fun ways to do so. Perhaps pictures, videos and reenactments. Who knows? Last week which I was too lazy to post had to work and forgot to post she was 8-8.

Week 2
HOU @ TEN: Ten

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