The one where I’m the gimp

July 14, 2010

We’ve all been there before. You know sitting in a chair and hurting. In the middle of having a heated discussion with someone and then you hear a simple sentence: Bring out the gimp.

Someone leaves. There is a whole bunch of noise. Chains can be heard.

(“What the hell?” you think.) Then you see this:


And you just know that the throbbing in your foot is the least of your worries because you know you’re going to get bleeped in your butt. And believe me there ain’t no sword wielding Bruce Willis to save you either.

Okay woah! Timeout here people. What is the matter with you? How long were you going to let me go on with that? Sick people some of you are. Okay so I’m pretty sure none of you can relate to that. If you can then all I can say is sorry some men tied you up and butt raped you like the scene from Pulp Fiction. Also that I hope your butt feels better. I couldn’t resist putting that in here because well the next in the cult movie series at the Cedar Lee is Pulp Fiction. You’ll see the other reason soon. I didn’t do it because butt rape is funny or did I? No I didn’t why would you even ask that?

Anybuttrape on to the real story. This is the true story… of seven strangers… picked to live in a house…work together and have their lives taped… to find out what happens… when people stop being polite… and start getting real…The Real World.

Scratch all of that. If I can be serious for a moment. (Yeah! Late 90s early 2000’s wrestling reference! Lance Storm High Five) Truth is I woke up the other day and the right heel of my right foot hurt like a mofo! Like my foot was a new porn star and its butt (heel) was being slammed by an angry Ron Jeremy.
Just like that you all bring butt sex back into this.

Anylongdong I think there was a point to this. Ah yes my foot hurts like a mofo (but I already said that) and I don’t like it. It appears to be Gout but forget the self diagnosis jive you want some fun stuff.

Butt sex

So this morning I was faced with a real problem. I needed to go get the kitties some food. You know like walk somewhere. I had to because if they chose to revolt and eat me it’d be a lot easier to with my gimpy leg. Off I trudged (you know across the street) to the little Coventry convenience store. I was too far away (and too gimpy) to make it to the cross walk so at the red light I crossed mid street. As I limped lamely across a red truck turned. I suppose the driver had known how many points hitting a long haired dude with a limp was. I should have asked him how many. I know from The Toxic Avenger that it’s 28 points if you get the kid and the bike! He sped up and hit his horn at the same time.

“Move it gimp”

Yeah he actually yelled that at me. Bummed by the fact that my foot hurts, I got pwned by a douche in a chevy from like 1980 I limped sadly in to the store. I picked up the kitty food and some various other things and checked out. This helped cheer me up:

(A young kid points at a magazine where a woman sits on a car with a big butt and a tiny bathing suit on)
Kid: Daddy mommy has a butt like that.

And then when I limped up to the counter this happened.

Lady: You hurt your foot sweetie?
Me: Oh yeah. The heel.
Lady: Oh sweetie how?
Me: You know the running of the bulls?
Lady: Yeah!
Me: Well we do the running of the chickens. It’s in Lakewood.*
Lady: Oh seriously?
Guy behind counter: I think he’s pulling your leg.
Lady: That’s not funny.
Me: Have a good day.

*this is not true I clearly made it all up (some asked)

See sometimes you have to get through the butt sex pain to get to the funny.

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