the one where I’m a drunk Nancy Reagan

July 14, 2011

Let’s take a little trip back in time.

(Oh come on if you’re reading this you clearly don’t value your time.)

It won’t be a far trip (or particularly entertaining one—damn got to work on my selling technique) I promise. I won’t even use my usual “where we’re going we don’t need roads” Back to the Future joke.

(Ha sorta did so take that!)

AnyTauntingMyTwoReaders we’re going all the way back to Sunday. Close your eyes and picture what you were doing last Sunday night at about 10pm east coast time. Got it? Good, now forget it because this is about me and what I was doing. I was sitting pretty much where I am now. Where?

(Oh I should be painting you a mental picture?)

I was sitting at the table in what we call our library. My computer is open just like it is now and I had a glass of water. The window was open and I had a fan on the floor next to me. I was wearing a Miami Dolphins tee shirt and boxers. These boxers sort of have a malfunction where the little pee flap thingy is. The thing caught on the drawer (the same one that tried to bugger my bum.) and now the flap is a little bigger than needed. With this in mind I positioned the fan and my legs so that the air would blast right into there. Ah nice and cool man bits.

(See what happens when you want a picture painted?)

So there I was being all Fitzgeraldly and typing away:

Typey typey type type.

When I needed a break. So I went on google+ and there was nothing new posted in the last like 5 hours, so I headed over to the twitter. I happened to see a tweet from the lead singer of a band, posting a link to summer tour dates/album info. The band is Patent Pending. Now these guys were here couple months ago and are part of warped tour. I’ve not missed a Cleveland show of theirs in 5 years but warped tour doesn’t count. stream theier latest album here or check out The Magical World of Joe. We decided a long time ago (after attending one and being trampled by a migraine while there) that festival shows are a no go. The other reason is you know unemployed and all can’t just spend tons of money all the time.

So I was going to ignore the link because I knew when the album was due and figured they wouldn’t be here anytime soon. Eventually I was curious (thinking maybe near the end they’d return) and clicked.

Me: Holy yoda’s green little balls! Patent Pending has a concert tomorrow night!

(Probably didn’t say it that way but I wanted you thinking of yoda’s little green balls. You’re welcome.)

It was to be at Peabody’s which we hate but will go there to see Patent Pending any old day. It turned out it was in the tiny Pirate’s Cove (inside Peabody’s) which brought back mostly fond memories. They wifebot (when she was just the girlfriendbot) and her friends would go there for 80’s dance night. I’d attend (no dancing) and sit at the bar drinking and writing.


So we show up and are pretty much the only (non people working there/playing) drinking at the show. The show was awesome and I consider Joe (lead singer) a friend by now. By the end of it I was carrying a nice buzz. We headed on home but had to stop at Walgreens for cat food. After telling all the workers in there they are awesome I grabbed the kitty chow and stopped at the cheap movie bin.

Training Day was calling my name. From there I walked toward the cold drink section. As I did this happened:

A lady woman storms passed. Her children like 6 steps behind.

Little girl: Mom…mommy you said you needed medicine the drug section is back there.

Mom: Shut up. (she goes on to inspect the soda pop section.)

Me (tapping little girl on the shoulder): Say no to drugs and you’ll be awesome!

(Thumbs up.)

Little girl: ….

Me: Awesome. (thumbs up)

I left her there to ponder my wisdom.

Next time I’ll go with this:



Conversations with Jimi Volume the 8th

April 11, 2011

Hello boys and girls. Gather round gather round. It’s time for another glimpse into my mind and my conversations. Yep you can learn what it is like to be as lucky as the wifebot. Enjoy.


(Patting couch)

Me. Come lay with your daddy.
Her. What?
Me. I said come and lay with your daddy.
Her. I know I said it like whaat because it was creepy.
Me. What you don’t like being with your daddy?
Her. Stop that.


(From the Bathroom as I pee.)
Me (singing): Reunited and it pees so goood


(Looking at a picture of Helen Mirren.)
Me: I’d so hit that.


(Leaving the bathroom.)

Me: Bill Murray says hi.
Her: Oh yeah?
Me: Yeah I met him on the set of Poop Busters.
Her: ….
Me: Ghost Poopers?
Her: Now that’s a good one.


Me: Look your crush is on.
Her: Who?
Me: Kurt Angle.
Her: I don’t really have a crush on him.
Me: Loook you know you want to jump his Olympic Bone.
Her: What is wrong with you?

The one on the phone

March 14, 2011

Recently someone from the Columbus Crew called me about tickets. For a couple years the wifey, Lindsay and I made our way to a bunch of matches. Last year we did not however. Many a thing got in the way—not the least was me being laid off.


Me: Hello.

Ticket guy: Hi, James?

Me: You found me.

Ticket guy: Haha. Yeah. Hi I’m whatever the name I said was with the Columbus Crew. How are you?

Me: Delicious.

Ticket guy: Haha delicious. I like that. That’s good right?

Me: Yeah.

Ticket guy: Great. Well I’m going to make it better I hope. Our records show you didn’t make it to any Crew matches last season.

Me: Yeah last season was tough…we wanted….

Ticket guy: Yeah we understand economy got rough…but I’m here to help get you back up here—

Me: Yeah it was mostly losing my job that stopped us.

Ticket guy: Oh? That is…I’m sorry about that. Economy hit a lot of people.

Me: Yeah.

Ticket guy: Well we got a lot of deals for you James. Especially if you get season tickets.

Me: Well we’d love to make it to at least one this season but season tickets would not be possible at this time.

Ticket guy: Okay Okay. I understand. Let me get you started on some of our single game specials.

Me: Yeah we want to go to at least one but at this time I can’t make any commitments. We’ll be looking at the schedule soon…

Ticket guy: Well James we have a lot of gifts for ordering tickets now. Let’s see what it’ll take to get you to come on down. Lots of cool gifts.

Me: Is one of them a job?

Ticket guy: Oh? Uh? Haha no unfortunately. I’ll tell you what my name is again whatever name I originally said, and my number is (number here) when you know what you want I can help you. Okay?

Me: Thanks whatever his name was.

We said our goodbyes then. I couldn’t help but try and make him feel uncomfortable. I dig the people at the Crew and they’ve always been nice and helpful. When we can make a match I will call him.

Conversations with Jimi Volume the third

December 14, 2009

So to start off we’re going to delve into my work situation for a second. This recently happened and I suppose serves as a reminder of just how much I’m valued at work. I needed a new Emo teen with slashes up their arm cutter for work. So I ask someone who use to get them for me. He tells me he can’t but if I ask the store manager he’ll get me one of the fancy ones. So I bring myself to ask and after he looks at me and repeats “a cutter” he goes off to get one. Now he opens the desk and there is a fancy one (which he pushes aside) and scrounges till he finds a cheap looking old one that when I try to use really does not open without more effort than should be needed. A sign of how respected I am? Who knows but to bolster my confidence a trip down to Conversations with jimi RD and amused with myself BLVD. Enjoy.

(Commercial for Rihanna comes on.)

Me: You think the reason she has so much makeup on is because she’s….
Wife: You are so wrong.

(Watching ‘Live Free or Die Hard’ and Bruce Willis’ character Turns Creedence Clearwater Revival up on the car radio. The guy who plays the Mac (In the PC vs. Mac commercials) doesn’t like this.)

Me: Who isn’t down with the Creed?
The Wife: I know right.
Me: Although really they aren’t that great.
The Wife: What are you talking about Creedence Clearwater is awesome.
Me: No. Now I’ll give you they’re good. I’ll give you they’re classic. I will not however give you awesome.
The Wife: Oh they’re awesome. You have to say they are its CCR.
Me (Possibly grinding in her direction): I got your CCR right here! A bad moon rising for ya!
The Wife: Oh James.

(The wife is making elaborate pushing noises from the bathroom.)

Me: The kids need a push into the pool?
The Wife: No I was doing the noises for your benefit.
Me: Now that’s love.


Me (To Rasputin our cat): Don’t look at me like that, I can talk to her. She may be a handful but we still love her.
Wifey: Are you referring to me? (She had just spurned his affection)
Me: (To the wife) No, no. I was talking about Csonka (our other kitty) not you. (To Rasputin) I was talking about her. Shhh.
(Then I made him fist bump me.)

(After reaching for some tissue paper and not finding it.)

Me: You took my tissue.
Wife: Oh yeah sorry.
Me: Now I’ll have to blow my nose on Rasputin.
Wife: Don’t blow your nose on the cat. I’ll get you more.
Me: Oh
(Rasputin runs from my lap.)

(Wife calls me from work)

The Wife: We should get something inscribed on our rings.
Me: Like what?
The Wife: Do or Die.
Me: Oh Oh I know live or die man?
The Wife: Uhm no.
Me: Oh I got I got it! Sweep the leg!
The Wife: Uhm…
Me: You know from The Karate Kid.
The Wife: I know where it’s from…

(Text conversation)

Wifey: Hey I’m getting Return of The Jedi from Linzi so we can watch it tonight.
Me: Are you sexting me?
Wifey: Yes.

(I get into the car.)

Me: So I have this idea for a roleplay.
Wifey: Okay.
Me: Want to hear it?
Wifey: Sure.
Me: Okay so it’s Star Wars themed.
Wifey: Of course it is.
Me: Not the typical one. No gold bikini though same movie and involves Princess Leia. Okay so it’d be like when they’re on Endor. Okay? You’re wearing like a camouflaged poncho thing. You’ve just crashed your speeder, out cold. I’ll come up like wicket; I’m short and got enough hair to reasonably pull it off. I’ll poke at you and be afraid of you, you’ll offer me the food and then some loving.
Wifey: Uhm….you are so weird.
Me: What?
Wifey: And you certainly could pull off the ewok—
Me: Yeah I said the hairy part already!

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