best of overheardohio Nov-Jan

February 17, 2014

ohiosaywhat2

I’ve been slacking on the best of @Overheardohio. Me slacking on this is a big shock to all (one) of you huh? With that in mind (and since January only had 3—though they were pretty funny) I give you a top three for the months of November, December and January.

Honorable mention:

“my mom saw the text where I told my girlfriend I wanted to put pudding on her.”-high schooler @McDonalds

Now my picks for best.

3.  “It would be sweet to be jesus. Your parents could never get too mad at you. You’d be mom cut me some slack I’m going to be crucified”

2.   Older lady “you’re nuttier than a pet sandsquatch” guy: “a what?” Older lady “a pet sandsquatch…you know a Bigfoot”

And:

1.  “You know I’m straight & godly but if my husband’s secretary wanted to have sex I’d let her lesbian me up”–woman drinking a giant margarita

Have any favorites? If in Ohio make sure to follow @overheardohio and send in what you hear. If you don’t live here follow and enjoy.

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the one with monsters

August 16, 2012

At the museum one gets to hear a lot of things.

Like this one time a strange fellow was telling people about Patty Picasso. Some of the things aren’t so fun. For instance a dad saying to his teen daughter:

“pay attention to this stuff because this is real art unlike writing.”

This isn’t one of the bad ones though. This one has monsters. The night was slowing down and the galleries were emptying. The main doors to the first floor galleries opened up slowly. Then it stopped. A kid of about 6 or so stood there. Half in and half out. Frozen. There was a look of complete horror on his face.

(Don’t even make the joke. I was off in the corner and he didn’t see me.)

Meanwhile he’s trying to back up. His mom would not let him. He’s starting to whine. “Go in honey” she says. “Nooooo” he starts to push back. “Monsters” he yells. She pushes him in and he yells “There are monsters!”

She gets down on one knee to explain to him that there aren’t monsters in here. He’s looking at me now and I’m thinking make a scary face at him. I don’t do it though.

(Wouldn’t be too hard to make a scary face.)
(shut up.)

“There are No monsters in here honey” she says calmly. “None?” He looks at me. I whisper “Yes there are” I smile reassuringly. He’s calm now. They walk around a bit. It turns out he WANTS to see some monsters. I’m not sure his definition of a monster because I’m pretty sure he was pointing at a spoon. Whatever.  They peruse the galleries and end up in the early Christian stuff.

As they start to exit the mom asks what his favorite “monster” was. He says that one and points.

This is what it was:

Icon of the Mother of God and Infant Christ (Virgin Eleousa)

 

And then this happened:

Mom: Honey that isn’t a monster that is Jesus.
Kid: He’s the scariest one of all.

And then lightning struck and we all died. Or I hoped they’d leave the gallery so I could laugh.


Conversations with Jimi Volume 10

July 29, 2011

A short and sweet new Conversations with Jimi. Pretty funny stuff if I may say so myself.

(and I may because this is my blog!)

1.

Guy: Yo I like dem glasses they real sporty. Where u headed looking fly?
Me: Art museum.
Guy: For real? We got 1 of them?
Me …

(We are waiting for the bus that essientially drives right past the Art Museum.)

2.

Me: Sometimes I feel bad for people who come to my blog searching certain questions.
Wifey: Such as?
Me: Like someone searched “how old is Scrooge McDuck?” So that poor guy would have to read my whole blog just to come to the end and find a picture of my head on Uncle Scrooge’s body.
Wifey: What REE looks that up?

3.

Me: Make me coffee it’s my day.
@kittenkaboom: You’re not a dad.
Me: Hey u don’t know I could have a ton of kids. My stuff is POTENT.
Her: …

4.

(Urinal flushes before I’m finished.)
Me: I’m a human being!
Guy: never let u finish either?
Me: oh I just say it cus I was a robot at first.
Guy: …

5.

Me: Just call me Henry David…cus I’m thorough.
Wife:…


The one where I fail

January 16, 2011

I got jokes. Okay I got lots of them.

(No no it’s true.)

For those of you that have read this place before it may be hard for you to believe I take things seriously. I do. I can be serious when needed. I’ve learned though that there are times when a laugh (or even just a chuckle) can be what is needed. I’m a passionate person. Perhaps that doesn’t always come through on this wonderfully lighthearted blog. Who knows? I’m not sure. I may even come off a bit mean here. That’s just my humor. The sharpness of the jokes is generally done with love. The jokes are turned inward at me just as much. This is not a justification of me. That is not what this post is about. If it actually sees the light of day or should it be light of blog?

No if I look at what I’m trying to do with this post it’ll be easy to see. I’m avoiding the real topic of it. I’m rambling on with a description of my personality to avoid it. I can be serious (and repetitive apparently) and I can be very caring. I care about people. I love my friends and family. I like to help people. Sometimes I let humor get in the way of that but in reality that is just how I handle things. I like to see people smile.

When my wife is down she makes me do this bit from Eek the cat. Being silly is how I help most of the time.

Recently my oldest sister (ha ha I’m sure she loves that description) texted me with some bad news. It involved my other sister’s oldest son Michael. His dad had died. I won’t get into the how and why of it. That part really doesn’t matter. My sister (Dawn—try to keep up) has two sons. Michael’s dad and she had been long separated. To be honest he wasn’t the best of individuals. I won’t speak ill of the dead.
He was not really a part of Michael’s life and hadn’t been for quite a while. It seemed like he did enough to be vaguely there but in all honesty not nearly enough. He was troubled though and I won’t put all the blame on him. After all everyone has their demons, some demons are just worse than others. This post is not about him. I’d like to say it’s about my nephew but in all seriousness it’s probably about me. I tend to do that. I knew it would be tough on him. At thirteen you are just at that point that things start to fall into place. You can grasp certain things and start to see patterns in the world.

I felt sure that my sister (Dawn) would be able to handle the situation. I knew that she’d be able to be there for him and help him get through this. If anything he is lucky to have the mother he does and the great aunt. He had a support system. I should probably add for some of you that they live in Florida and I of course Cleveland. So my support would be lent from far away.

I wanted to call and lend my support of course, but felt it best not to do it the day he found out. So I waited a day but when I called I got voicemail. Then when told it was a good time to call I was out. I didn’t want to make the call from a restaurant or from a friend’s place. Life kept getting in the way but I was always in contact with the family to see how he was doing. It appeared he was doing okay. Some times better than others—you know the usual when it comes to mourning. Handling it as expected.

The cool thing about him is we have a lot in common. He likes sports. He is into Rock music and more so into a lot of the stuff I cut my teeth (I just like using that phrase) when I was younger. So we have plenty to talk about. Another cool thing about him is how he handles phone calls. With him it isn’t the typical feels like pulling teeth moments. He asks questions and answers questions with more than just yes or no. He tells stories and wants to hear some from you. It can be fun talking to him. When I finally got in touch with him it had been close to a week since the news. We were on our way somewhere but I felt like I wanted to contact him. I had a ton of things I wanted to talk about and bring up. In my head it would be a progression of conversation. A normal conversation and then we’ll see how the rest goes. Comfort and help as needed. I didn’t want to skirt around the tragedy but not slam it right to the forefront. If that makes sense, I guess it doesn’t. Anyway I talked to my sister for a few minutes and then he got on the phone. My mind blanked.

Nephew: Hi Jimi. How are you?
Me: Hey Michael. I’m good. How about you?
Nephew: Okay. Good.

(Silence.)

Nephew: What are you doing today?
Me: Oh nothing. Right now we’re driving. We’re going to Katie’s dad’s house.
Me (in my head): ah fuck fuck fuck. God damn you are dumb. So dumb. What a fucking way to get it started. You fail. You are a dumb uncle and an idiotic human being

(You could hear it sort of hit him but he moved on and asked why. It almost felt like he did it more for me than himself. I hurt for him.)

Me: Actually what we’re doing tonite is pretty fun. We are going to this art show where they created a bunch of fake movies and made movie posters and ads for them.
Nephew: That’s cool.

We talked for a few minutes and I could tell the sadness of what had happened. He’s still coping with it. I mean who wouldn’t be? It was a call/conversation that isn’t typical of him. He didn’t ask many questions or tell stories. He did answer questions with real answers though. I came away from it sure he’d be okay. He was sad (duh) but there is good support and he uses music. Music my friends can soothe the soul. It can inspire and it certainly helps you understand.

The main thing I took away from it was how badly I failed. I mean I was like Goose in Top Gun. I couldn’t even get out without smashing my head. This of course is horrible. I’m making it about me (and perhaps that’s why I failed?) and not about him. It is about him and I know this. I have ideas to help—especially in terms of musically. If you (all 3 of the readers who aren’t connected to the situation)have any ideas I’m open to hearing them.

If I post this that is.

(I probably will.)

(Maybe.)

(At least I didn’t stop the parenthesis jokes right?)


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