The one with the birthday

August 6, 2010

someecards.com - Happy birthday to a sports fan who may just be realizing he's now older than his favorite athletes

That’s right bitches it’s my birthday!

Go, go, go, go, go, go

“Yeah I can get into this.” *Head bob and awkward looking body movement.*

Go shawty, it’s your birthday

“Hey! Don’t call me shor—”

We gonna party like it’s your birthday
We gon’ sip Bacardi like it’s your birthday

“Oh see that’s better. Though rather it be Jack Daniels but you know whatever.” *Cough* Wuss *Cough*

You can find me in the club, bottle full of bub
Look mami, I got the X if you into takin’ drugs

“Uhm drugs? Plus did you just call me mami? You are strange.”

I’m into havin’ sex, I ain’t into makin’ love
So come gimme a hug, if you’re into gettin’ rubbed

“Woah big boy just stop right there with your pervert ideas. I don’t know who you think I am but I’m not into that stuff. Plus you know I really don’t like you calling me short. You spelled it wrong too.
Oh?
You think so? You wanna take it outside tough guy?”

And that’s the true story of how 50 Cent really got all shot up. Yeah I shot 50 cent.
Don’t mess with me I’m a Lawyer!
Sorry this isn’t the movie Hook, but really is my birthday.

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Jimi say what?

June 10, 2010

There is no tmi Thursday today. I’ll pause for the mass exodus. I had a few maybes to write for the much celebrated (thanks to the lovely Lilu) TMI Thursday, but they need to be finely crafted. I hadn’t flushed (haha) them out quite yet and well I want them to be good. There is a quality (even if a dubious one) that is expected from my tmi posts. This is mostly due to worrying about the lack of job, thinking of the world cup, and freaking out about being dubbed “the watch killer”.

The first two are pretty self explanatory but I’ll explain (the jimiverse requires this often) the being dubbed “the watch killer” thing. If you are the angry emailer you probably won’t find this part funny. Okay it probably isn’t funny anyways but whatever. You see as the wife and I walked to our apartment she found a watch on the floor. Not an overly expensive one probably about 20-30 bucks. She picked it up and then handed it off to me. I took it and just kept on walking and talking. When we got home I dropped it on the Buddha table and thought nothing of it. A little bit later I saw it and said:

“Oh great we brought this watch in here and now I’m probably linked to some guys murder. I have his watch. I’m going to be known as the watch killer.”

We both sort of laughed. I of course went on to imagine the manhunt and media coverage but again that is neither here nor there.

Where exactly are we if none of what I’m saying is here nor there?

Anyconfusion instead I thought I’d take the time to talk about my loverly wife. Well sort of. Last night we went to Tommy’s for dinner with her mom and sister. It was to celebrate her sister’s birthday. It was a nice little dinner (Tommy’s generally is.) even if I didn’t go into Mac’s Backs to look at the books. That is neither here nor there. We sat around a bit and talked nicely.

No milkshakes were consumed.

Anymissingshake as we walked home I called my sister so I could say happy birthday to my nephew. He turned 13! He is officially a teen. I hopethe rebelling commences I mean I hope he enjoys the teens. Now to many this would spark the “oh god I’m so old” statements. Nope. What did happen was me thinking:

“Damn Chicago won their last NBA title 13 years ago.”

You see I remember being in the waiting room (for some reason I typed locker room) of the hospital watching the NBA Finals game. I have three very vivid memories left from this night (not in this order):

1. A steal Jordan made.
2. The father being a complete tool (as usual)
3. Holding my nephew and being scared shitless.

This like the rest of the post is neither here nor there. See kiddies consistency is key when it comes to things like this. I stick to my shtick bitches. Did you check out that alliteration? That is why I’m a poet people! It was about the wifey and that I found this:

Photobucket

YEEHAW! I’m not being mean. I find it to be adorable but that doesn’t take away the humor of it. Ok so as we were eating I said something. I don’t truly remember what it was but it was semi funny and I suppose a little vague. The rest of the table just sort of stared at me and then the wifey jumped on in and explained it.
She then said:

“Aren’t you glad I’m here to explain things?”

Now I’m glad that I have her for many many things. Hell some of them are not even related to sex. Sorry it was just too easy. A gear sort of clicked then in my head just how much a role she plays as translator for me. On here (and twitter) there are a great number of you who get and enjoy my humor but out there the herd thins out a lot. I’m still pretty sure at least 76% of the people I meet don’t get me. Not because I’m funnier (I am!) or better but because I tend to be dry and vague. On more than one occasion she’s had to stop to answer the “what does he mean?” question. When I talk this is often the scene:

Photobucket

She gets that half of the things are quotes or references from a few select movies. You may have noticed I do that a lot. Hell she enjoys that half the time the stories are about something I imagined to happen. The loverly wife doesn’t even bat an eye lash when the quote or reference only has the slimmest of connections to the topic. She may have gotten use to it but honestly I don’t remember there ever being a period where she didn’t get it.

I like to have an apostrophe now and again. Like lightning striking me brain.

(Hook bitches watch it!)

I like to be reminded every now and again that if not for my dearest silliebean (the dickens’ out of them)

Nobody would get me.

Yeah Scrooged reference in the middle of June!

Ahem yes the point is if she didn’t get me nobody would.There is no manual for me—though I can give you a list of books, shows and movies to watch that’ll help. Just sit back and enjoyed the ride.

And if you have any questions ask her.


Creep my boss out #3/I won’t be bitter bobby anymore

October 8, 2009

I’ll start with the how I made my boss feel awkward moment. It has been a while since I’ve been able to do this (because I’d avoid contact with all of them). Anyways as I was in the Produce backroom (I need to come up with a fun name like Veggie Cave or something) our Store Manager came in with a pumpkin. Apparently he wanted me to carry it out to the front where it belonged (even though he was going that way). So as I did he came along (Why?). This happened :

SM: It was in seafood. It can’t be there.
Me: Well maybe we could put some fins on it. (in my head)Damn why did I open up to friendly banter!
SM (Smiling): When you look at this pumpkin what do you see? Ohhhh I bet it’s something good.
ME: Uhm a pumpkin?
SM (confused): OH. Nothing creative? Like I bet like a hatchet coming out of it’s face?
ME: Nope just a pumpkin.
SM: Oh.
(Silence and then he walks off)

Now it isn’t the typical weird him out but I’ll take it, and it was fun. Yesterday at work I realized something. It came out of a (what I thought) was a harmless conversation. I was back in the cooler (before the awkward manager moment) and I was explaining to Marcia the back story of Produce Man. What is it you ask?

One day near the end of shift he helped a customer. She wanted to know if there more pears, but unfortunately there were none. When he told her this sad news she snapped. There were several bottles of veggie wash nearby and she proceeded to spray him with it repeatedly. He being a nice fellow stood there and took it, letting the veggie wash to seep into his eyes and pores. Later that evening he began to notice a change. He vowed to use his newfound powers (to this day unknown) for good.

Wow for the first time something sounds much better when I just winged it than when I wrote it. I’ll work on that. Anyhoo after that I told her how I came up with a back story for my move to Produce. I grow tired of telling people (who for some reason are still asking) the real reason. It goes as follows:

One night I stumbled upon a DVD of Veggie Tales and watched it. I was so taken aback by it that I immediately went to my Store Manager and begged to be switched to the Produce Department.

Now I thought this was mildly amusing but Marcia slapped me. It sort of was like this:

Except I’m not a chick and it was nothing like that at all. It was more of a metaphorical slap. What actually happened was as I left the backroom she said “wow, you really are bitter about what happened.” To quote Smee I had an apostrophe…it was like lightning struck me brain. Yeah vague Hook reference! I was floored. I sort of mumbled before leaving and then after filling the apples (I know and now I’m writing too!) My store manager tried to convince me putting up apples was creative almost like writing so I’d enjoy it. I returned to the conversation.

Me: Do you mean I sound bitter now, in my blog (she had just started reading) or both.
Her: Oh…both…but mostly there.

Now I knew that especially in the first few posts I was angry and bitter. I liked it that way. It was true emotion. That was fine I should have been bitter, but I was faced with the fact that I still come off that way. At work I was the comic relief. I was the one who didn’t care about what happened or what people thought. I shrugged things off and kept my humor. I did what people couldn’t or wouldn’t do and they enjoyed it. I don’t want to be the bitter guy. I needed confirmation on this so I of course went to L-Rizz.

Me: Damn I’ve become bitter bob.
L-Rizz: Yepppppp lol.
Me: laugh it up fuzz ball

(Yeah STAR WARS reference!) This is bad. Very bad. I can be cynical and I can be jaded but always in that cute jaded way. I’m not sure where this post is actually going or how many are actually still reading it. Is this thing on? Anyways I’ve decided to give up and just drink heavily to take a stand. I have learned though that making bold statements doesn’t work. For instance the 3 straight weeks I stated I’d finish The Devil Comes to Dinner by the end of the week, or the world tour of beers thing. So instead I’m going to make a short list of goals, and add some easy ones so as to feel accomplished and such.

1. Come through with finishing Produce Man costume
2. Write a rough draft comic of Pterodactyl Man for Lindsay and Kat to check out.
3. Buy a jug of white wine (see already accomplished this one!)
4. Finish The Devil comes to Dinner
5. Finish the manuscript draft for ‘Love is a Donkey’ (Book of poetry) Anyone wanna read it?
6. Attend some poetry readings
7. Meet and drink with some fellow bloggers
8. Attend a Lake Erie Monster’s game.
9. Read a book at least every 2 weeks.
10. See L-Rizz on a consistent basis.
11. Creep my Manager out.
12. Do something nice/romantic with/for my wife
13. Submit a play to at least 3 theatres.
14. Come up with a better list.


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