hey there Monet have you seen Manet?

May 21, 2012

Just a few things. Some (mostly those who are friends with me over on the facespacebook) may have seen these. Worth sharing here because art trickery had been slow.

And then this happened:

(2 guys are talking near a Monet and Manet paintings. I walk past.)
guy 1: can you settle something for us?
guy 2: he says Manet is just a diff way to spell Monet. They’re different people right?
me: you’re both sort of right. There’s a controversial theory that Monet was Manet.
guy 2: what?
me: Monet was Manet just with a fake moustache and a fake scar.
guy 1: That can’t be real
guy 2: Is it?
me: Google a book From Monet to Manet and the madness in between.
guy 1: wow.
guy 2: that is freaking cool.


Oh and also this:


(two visitors walk in and see Portrait of Jean Terford David)

visitor 1: is that napoleon?
visitor 2: looks like him but probably not.
me: you both are sort of right. it is napoleon’s twin brother. yapoleon.
visitor 1: i didn’t know he had a twin!
visitor 2: that is a weird name.


Oh and then:

Visitor: Where do you have the impressionist.
me: actually…our Director has never been a fan of the impressionist and so he’s been trying to weed them out for awhile.
visitor: how can he not like the impressionist?
me: I know? He’s traded them all for like one Goya. It’s not even a good Goya.
visitor: What? That isn’t possible. A museum wouldn’t do it.
visitor: would they?
me: no you’re looking for gallery 222
visitor: Had me worried.


Conversations with Jimi Volume 10

July 29, 2011

A short and sweet new Conversations with Jimi. Pretty funny stuff if I may say so myself.

(and I may because this is my blog!)


Guy: Yo I like dem glasses they real sporty. Where u headed looking fly?
Me: Art museum.
Guy: For real? We got 1 of them?
Me …

(We are waiting for the bus that essientially drives right past the Art Museum.)


Me: Sometimes I feel bad for people who come to my blog searching certain questions.
Wifey: Such as?
Me: Like someone searched “how old is Scrooge McDuck?” So that poor guy would have to read my whole blog just to come to the end and find a picture of my head on Uncle Scrooge’s body.
Wifey: What REE looks that up?


Me: Make me coffee it’s my day.
@kittenkaboom: You’re not a dad.
Me: Hey u don’t know I could have a ton of kids. My stuff is POTENT.
Her: …


(Urinal flushes before I’m finished.)
Me: I’m a human being!
Guy: never let u finish either?
Me: oh I just say it cus I was a robot at first.
Guy: …


Me: Just call me Henry David…cus I’m thorough.

Pig man at the Summer Solstice Party

June 28, 2011

One of the first things I fell in love when I moved to Cleveland was the Art Museum. They have some great pieces, awesome lectures, and it’s free every single day. Here and here are a few posts on some of the lectures they’ve had. They also have probably my all time favorite “La Vie”.

Sometimes, when I didn’t have to be at work after school I’d get off the bus at University Circle and walk on over to the museum. I’d spend an hour or so in there and generally end up sitting in front of “La Vie.” I’d pull out my notebook and just write sitting there.

It had been a goal for a while to make it to their Summer Solstice Party. This is essentially a huge party in the museum. How awesome an idea is that? The set up is tiered. If you are (or know someone who is) Mr. Moneybags you can start the party at 6pm (Eventide) for the $175 ticket. This will get you in for the whole night and includes food and open bar. The ticket prices drop the later in the evening you show up. If you’re unemployed like me you can get 20 dollar tickets.

(15 for us cus we be members’ bitches!)

This gets you in at 10pm and includes a cash bar, which is fine because we had a pregame plan. What? Simple: Find a parking space and the drink absinthe out of plastic glasses before walking over to the event.


Lindsay and Kat got all prettified and I wore my boring dress pants and shirt. Only Pig Man took over.


Within two minutes I was followed and pulled aside by 2 girls. They were pretty drunk (or on the edge of it) and wanted to know why I was wearing the pig nose. The only thing was I hadn’t officially come up with the story yet.

(I wasn’t even calling myself pig man yet.)
(or talking in third person.)

Both of them pulled me off the escalator and each held an arm. They were really close to my face and played with pig man’s nose.

Girl2: Is there a reason you’re wearing it?
(Pig Man shrugs.)
Girl1: Is it a statement?
Girl2: Or just accessory.
Pig man: Just my nose so an accessory I guess.
Girl1: Oh mah gosh.
Girl2: Nooooo it has to mean something. Like performance art or something.
Girl2: Yeahhh.
Pig man: Like for Sugardale?
Girl2: YES, It has to be for SOME reason.
Girl1: I think it’s so cute.
(Pig man see’s his wife waiting/looking for him.)
Girl1: Byyeeeee
Girl2: Byeeeeee

For the rest of the evening pig man referred to himself in third person.

“Pig man’s so hot in here he’s gonna turn into bacon soon.”
“Pig man thanks you for your kind words.”
“Pig man appreciates you holding the door for him.”

At another point out in the huge dancing crowd a woman came up to pig man and stroked his snout.

Snout stroker: I love your nose!
Pig man: I’m sorry baby pig man’s already got a wife.

Later on pig man entered the bathroom. As he saddled up to the urinal another dude noticed him.

Bathroom talker: Oh man you’re the guy wearing the pig nose they were talking about!
Pig man: This is pig man’s real nose Pig Man ain’t wearing no nose.
Bathroom talker: Awesome man!

I didn’t bring the camera because I didn’t want us carrying it around all drunk and etc. We did hit up their photo booth.

(A photo booth! How awesome is that?)


The whole night women (some drunk and some not) just had to touch my nose. Some grabbed it, some tapped it. So what did we learn? We have definitive proof that chick’s dig a guy in a pig nose.

Pig Man don’t mind one bit.

Conversations with Jimi: enter vol 9

May 16, 2011


(It takes place in a crowded bar (the grog shop)

Random guy: AMANDA!
Me (In as girlish as a voice as I can): Whaaaat.
Random Guy (Looks around confused): Where are you?
Me (In as girlish as a voice as I can): Overrr here.
Random Guy (Looking): Amanda??
Me (In as girlish as a voice as I can): What!
Random Guy: I can’t hear you too good, where are you?

(He went off to search.)


(I walk slowly with a bad headache to greet her as she returns home.)

Me: This is like the Hollywood Hogan of headaches.
Her (Loudly): Oh yeah you big baby!
Me: You’re a heel*

*Wrestling reference: heel=bad guy.


(While driving.)

Wifebot: That wire looks like it’s hanging awful low.
Me (singing): Hang LOW sweet chariot—oh wait it’s swing low isn’t?
Wifebot: …


(Rihanna’s “S&M” comes on.)

Me: Sticks and stones may break my bones but Chris Brown’s hands are what choke me.
Wifey: Did you just make that up?
Me: Uhm…yes…
Wifey: You’re a horrible person.
Me: Oh I thought you’d be proud of my cleverness.
Wifey: No.

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