Cupids, Cigars, and Meat or a weekend recap

April 29, 2013

THIS IS A WEEKEND RECAP
THIS IS A WEEKEND RECAP
YEAH!
THIS IS A WEEKEND RECAP
THIS IS A WEEKEND RECAP
YEAH!
I BET YOU’VE ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT A WEEKEND RECAP WOULD LOOK LIKE
WELL THIS IS WHAT A WEEKEND RECAP LOOKS LIKE
YEAH!
I FORGOT TO TAKE ANY PICTURES
WELL THERE ARE TWO PICTURES!
YEAH
THIS IS A WEEKEND RECAP!
MY WEEKENDS ARE VERY BORING!
YEAH

Hopefully you’ve stopped reading after that painful intro. There really isn’t all that much to read. Saturday we spent most of the day at home. There was one executive decision made: Dandelion wine will be made this year. I looked up recipes and everything. Hell, I pinned something on Pinterest. The goal is to start now and let it sit for a year. This time next year I’ll be sipping Dandelion wine while reading Dandelion wine.

Ray Bradbury is so thug life.

At some point the wife’s mom stopped over to help us with our garden. There are lots of things popping up. Hyacinths, Grape Hyacinths, Roses, Tulips and more! We are very excited but also have no clue what we are doing. But we’re trying Ringo.

Yeah vague Pulp Fiction reference!

Eventually we headed off. First stop was Pelvic Joann’s. Then we headed to Ohio City Burrito because we were all starving. There Kat did the weird thing of ordering chips but no salsa or even Guacamole.

Weird.

Next was the ever awesome West Side Market. It’s always such a fun, colorful time there. I’ve managed to resist the urge to mess with them as they carnival bark out to you. There’s a vendor there named Jim’s Meats. Which lead to this:

Wifey: Heh. Jim’s meats.
Me: Don’t worry you’ll load up on Jimi’s meat later.
Wifey: Really?

Next up was the Thrift Store. I was good (Read: boring) and only looked for work stuff.

Okay I looked for a tweed jacket. I always do.  No luck but there was this:

photo (7)

Then we went to Cigar Cigars in Ohio City. I needed to pick up a reward cigar. Why? Well, because my play was picked to be in a play festival. I found out about a line of cigars named Hemingway. Those seemed like the clear choice.  They’re made by Arturo Fuente Cigar Company. Luckily they had some. So I picked up The AF Hemingway Short Story and their Flor Fina 8-5-8 Maduro.

cigars

Can you guess which one is the short story?

Sunday was filled with work and steak. I really do love my job but there is one gallery that makes me think twice about it. That is the early European: French/Dutch galleries. I dig the stuff in them. It has to do with the sensors around the art and MOSTLY the dummies that set them off. OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER—Sorry. I of course was in those galleries Sunday. It was getting bad when this happened.

A kid about 7 years old came into the gallery with his parents. As he looked at the art he slowly started giving them all the stink eye. Then he saw “Cupids in Conspiracy.”

cupids

Stopped.

And said:  “This place is disgusting, look at those butts.”

Needless to say it helped me get through the day. I had hoped to see The Rizza that night but fate intervened. There was plenty of delicious food made by the wifey.

steak

Balsamic steak wraps and mashed potatoes. YUM! How was your weekend?

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The one with Princess Leia

January 3, 2011

Now, this is the story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I’d like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I’ll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air

Errr uh Bensonhurst. That’s right…New York, New York, New York, New York oh State of mind (New York City)

Seriously did my shtick change? Now I’m just Mr. Insert random song lyrics the whole time? So some of you may have known but l spent the majority of last week in NYC. Actually it was Brooklyn to be more specific and Bensonhurst if you need to be REALLY specific.

(God you people are so damn anal. Oh that was probably a poor choice of words for this place.)

AnyBum you may have heard I was on my first NYC trip. You may also have noticed that this place was dead last week. That wasn’t my fault (hey if Han Solo can say it so can I!) The place we were staying was promised to have working internet access and it did. The problem being that my friend (hence forth known as Williams or Harkness) could not remember the password. His soon to be ex wife (who he texted to ask) could not remember either.

This may need a bit of explanation. Williams and his wife are in the middle of a divorce. It appears to be at least generally “friendly” and moving forward. They lived in Brooklyn at the time it was decided. He goes to Cleveland State and moved back to Cleveland. She stayed in Brooklyn where she teaches. Last week she was due to be back in Cleveland and he took that opportunity to go back and pick up some of his stuff.

Anypointless info the time finally came for us to begin. Now originally I intended to make another Fresh Prince joke here. I was going to use the lyrics from the song about the cab and all that jazz but decided against it. Don’t worry it’ll be on the DVD extras. So we headed off—well actually first we (read he) had to go to the Ohio DMV. On the way there he decided he needed Starbucks—this would be a theme of the trip.

There is a Starbucks on every damn corner in NYC. Also Williams will attempt to go into every single one of them.

So we pull into a drive thru Starbucks over by Golden Gate Plaza. Before I go on (I know I know) another interlude. This happened or probably happened. Okay the point is I’m not embellishing this story. We may have miss heard her but this is what is believed to have happened.

The drive thru voice crackled out to us. “Welcome to Starbucks my name is Princess Leia, what can I get you today?” A confident female voice asked.

So at this point there is a slight pause on our end.

“Did she just say Princess Leia.?” I’m thinking over in the passenger seat thinking to myself

“Hi Princess Leia this is your brother Luke Skywalker.” Williams chimed in with from the drivers seat. There was a pause. No not true. There was a

PAUSE

And then Crickets. There were lots and lots of crickets. After this she once again asked us how she could help us. No acknowledgment of what had just passed between us all. Nothing at all. It was business and business and only. So Luke Williams ordered.

“We’re out of that.” darkly stated.

“Insert whatever he ordered next” (I don’t remember.)

“Oh I’m sorry we’re actually out of that too” Said with all the sympathy of Emperor Palpatine.

(Nervous laughter.)

Finally something was settled on and we drove around. Unfortunately she was only the order taker and not the drink giver. Perhaps she was never a she and the dude who gave him his drink was good with voices. Who knows? We never heard from Princess Leia again.

Now the trip and the real trouble could begin….

(You can go now.)

(No really that’s all for now)

(More stories tomorrow.)

(Probably)

(Wow still reading this?)

(Really?)

(You go home now.)

(That last one will be funny a couple stories from now.)


The one where I get a handy on stage

December 20, 2010

Sunday bloody Sunday….no you didn’t accidentally come across Bono or the edges secret blog.

(I imagine their blog would consist solely of them repeating lyrics and giving grooming tips.)

One of these days I’ll figure out why I use parenthesis for statements like that.

Can he stop making the same joke every post?

(I dunno can i?)

Probably not. This weekend was all about the live shows it seems. Friday I went (all by myself. Sniff Sniff) to a wrestling show. It was held in a church banquet/bingo hall in Lakewood. The show was AIWs (Absolute Intense Wrestling) Nightmare before X-Mas 4. It was a good time and has its own story that sometime soon will be up here. Saturday night the wifey and I went to Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat at the Beck Center. The show was decent but also not the point of this post.

What is the point you ask? I’m not sure there really ever is a point.

Anypointless the next thing we attended was a dinner theatre production of A Christmas Carol. This was way out in Geneva. Now I am not a big fan of A Christmas Carol. I mean not play or movie wise. I’m tired of it. I don’t need to see it again—ever. If it isn’t Scrooged I really don’t need to see it ever again.

Now her dad and stepmom didn’t know this. They just wanted to share something they enjoyed and thought was great. They’ve been to the place that does the dinner theatre on numerous occasions. One of which was a Poe themed one that they rave about and continually say how they wish I could’ve been there. They care. They know how important theatre is in our (wife and I) lives and it’s done with love. So you know when they wanted us to go to a show there I was willing to. I mean it would be an easy way to make them happy and they’ve done so much for me.

Oh it’s for A Christmas Carol? Damn.

Okay fine fine. It’ll make them happy. Then it happened that I would be out of time. Darn. The wife would be attending without me. It happens. They’d still be happy to go with her. Then it turns out that I would be in town and they could get us all tickets.

Damn.

Oh well you know bite the bullet and all that jazz. I was prepared to go once. Okay I’m in. They are buying after all. I do preach supporting live. Wait Sunday at 2pm? Like during the Browns game?

DAMN.

Okay. I can handle it. That’s fine. We drive up there—which was no picnic—and had to listen to Christmas music most of the ride up. Then we got the Browns game on the radio and it was okay. We get there and are seated and what not. You know at tables with other people.

Aw crap.

Oh well nice people I’m sure and at least they aren’t trying to talk to me. Oh man why does the kid have to sit next to me? Oh booze. Hello. First up I had a white Christmas: Makers Mark bourbon and eggnog. Yummy.
Oh what is this? A drink called The Ghost of Christmas Past.

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This included 7 different liquors that I can’t tell you because I left my program in the wifeys purse. I can tell you that there 2 different kind of rums in it. Whatever. They only let you get 2 per guest. The wife wouldn’t let me drink more than 2 drinks.

(Buzz Kill huh? Go here and tell her that.)

Anydrinky soon the show started. Well actually the play went on in scenes (most do) and then there would be a different course given. The food was delicious—or at least very good. Then they started bring audience into the play for certain scenes.

Son. Of. A. Bitch.

Can you guess what eventually happened?

(Go on try.)

Yeah yours truly was chosen. Really bad choice because they were lucky I didn’t stab them with my fork. I went up angrily but you know willing to not give the actors shit. They have enough to deal with no? I was up there with my Cleveland City Stars scarf just hoping for it to be over. Apparently the wifey took a picture of me up there looking pissed but she has not given or even shown me it.

(Oh well.)

AnyfuckingParenthesis so there I am up there. They pass out birthday hats with numbers on them. The numbers are 1-12. Yep they want us to help them do the 12 days of Christmas. I was number 4. So they explain that we have to come up with a sound and noise associated with the number we had. I was 4 calling birds. As they worked on what some people would say (most peeps attention were on them and the group) something amazing happened. I of course was standing next to #3. I was on stage and she was on the floor next to me. She did her little French hen thing—which would be saying oui oui and doing some hand motions—and then she lost her balance.

She flailed. She grabbed for anything to catch her balance. Her hand went back and she grabbed my junk.
I mean this as literally as possible. A great big handful of jimis oui oui. And she held on to it too. For about 15-20 seconds before looking back and realizing it. She let go and mumbled something. Yeah.

Then we did are little 12 days rendition. Like a billion times. What was my thing?

Well I was 4 calling birds and when it came to me I waved and said:

“Hey birds.”

The people they laughed. Each and every time I did that. The in-laws totally got a kick out of it and repeated it often.


TMI Thursday: Brownaconda Attacks

November 18, 2010

I’m weird. This is something the wife tells me all the time. People’s eyes tell me this all the time too, but my doctor said I should stop saying stuff about talking eyes.

(I’ll be here all week.)

Oh look the parenthesis are back. I don’t know why that started. I don’t know when either so don’t expect an answer or a link.

(Mostly too lazy)
(Shut up)

Whatever. You stopped reading after the title I’m sure. Now I’ve developed a fun (depending on who you ask) habit of naming my pooping ventures. Sometimes I announce the names to my wife as I head into the bathroom. Sometimes it doesn’t get a name until after the fact. This is usually based on amount, size, difficulty and or color. Oh and generally (read always) these excursions are named for some movie. For example:

Off to film The Hunt for the Brown October.
I just got done shooting Pooptanic.
Just got off the set of Brownaconda.
Indiana Jones and the temple of Poo.

The best instance had to have happened in Florida. After filming I come into the bedroom where kat and Pelvic Joann are and say:

Me (very seriously): “Have you seen Alec Baldwin?”
(Now after some initial ignoring I finally get a response)
Me: Yeah just finished shooting the sequel to Hunt for the Red October…Hunt for the Brown October.

I don’t do this every single time and I try to mix it up and not use the same one. Carissa—which if you aren’t reading here you should be—has convinced me to create a list. I am and so thank her for that disgusting list when it happens.

Anypooping back to the tmi. This happened late at night (like 2am) so there was no announcing of a shooting schedule. The wife was sweetly tucked away dreaming of sugar plum or murders. More likely she was dreaming of murders and kidnappers but that’s another story. Check one out here. So I went to the bathroom without being able to say some witty movie name.

(Poor jimi)

I’ll spare you the details of the actual event. I will say that there was quite a lot of it in the bowl afterwards. Now above the toilet on a rack sit her collection of duckies. You know the little rubber duckies? They have different versions. You know like punk rock duck, bad girl duck, Hitler duck,devil duck, irish duck, Jean Bonet Ramsey duck.

(Horrible jokes jimi)

So they’re up there. I finish my business and wipe and all that. As I finish I happen to put my hand up there. I knock poor Chicago duckie off balance and he falls. I like Spider-Man grab out for it. I catch it but the Green Goblin comes along and distracts me and Chicago duckie falls out of my hand. I almost catch it again but instead as it falls out into the air leaps the fabled Brownaconda and snags it into his jaws.
Sorta like this:

Photobucket

Yes we apparently pee and poop into a misshapen bucket. We classy like that. It was horrible how angry it sounded as it grabbed poor poor Chicago duck. It fell pretty much directly into the poop and sunk in too.

Photobucket

So I don’t know if it was because it was late, I was sleepy or the trauma of the brownaconda attack but I without hesitation reached right into the misshapen bucket the toilet. You know brownaconda and all. I grabbed Chicago duckie (sunk in a bit more as I did) and it I swear made a sort of plop-pop sounds as it pulled free. I managed to not get anything on my hand. I’m still not sure how because there was a ton in the bowl and poor Chicago duckie was covered in it. I tossed it into the shower and turned it on. After it was all gone I dried the poor fellow off and replaced him. I thought about not telling her about it but I did first thing the next morning. For 2 reasons I knew I’d use it on here and I wanted to gross her out. So I told her about the spin off to Anaconda.

Brownaconda: Dead Duck

I of course embellished some of the details of the story for her. I may or may not have said something about
pieces of food sticking to her duckie.
You’re welcome.


Excuse me maam: Virginia Style

November 9, 2010

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Yep. It already happened again. This time it took place in the lovely mountains of Virginia. The Three Shillelaghs were up there on our traditional trek. The last time we were up there a brewery was being built. This year it had been up and running for a while.

Everywhere I go I like to try a local beer. So we immediately made plans to head up to The Devil’s Backbone Brewery and Restaurant. After a beautiful and relaxing morning we headed out. We stopped at an awesome place named Graves where I chased down that elusive Choco Taco! Yeah!

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We headed up the mountain—Blue Ridge Parkway. This is also a tradition. We do enjoy our traditions, you may have noticed. Anyhoo we get up there and park. There be some optimal picture taking area. The area is beautiful and pics to come—maybe.

Oh come now (That’s what she said!) stop your whining this is another kind of post.

The day was nice. The sky bright blue and had a few puffy white cotton balls floating around in it. It wasn’t too chilly down below (TWSS!) but up on the mountain it was nippy. We enjoyed the view and snapped pictures before heading back down

Devils Backbone had a pretty full parking lot. The restaurant was no different. The sun was slowly creeping down as was the temp. There was an option given to us. Wait for who knows how long to sit inside or have dinner on the patio. It was a nice patio and a nice view too.

It was cold though. The patio did have heat. It consisted of a very lovely fireplace, two hanging heaters and then two moveable heaters. They also offered blankets. The wifey enjoyed the fireplace because she was right next to it. I was to the side/behind of it and Pelvic Joann was across the table of it. The two hanging heaters only helped the tables they were above. Those were the prime seats. The moveable heaters were not on.

In their fairness we didn’t ask about why. Eventually (as we neared the end of dinner) one was turned on and brought over to us. I sat with my hoodie on and up. The ladies took advantage of the blankets.
They were the cause of the post. I mean the blankets not the ladies. Dinner consisted of delicious meatloaf (kat), coffee braised steak (me) and the bone smoker platter (hahaha) for Pelvy. They had bread pudding for dessert.

During the meal some woman sat at the prime table in front of the fireplace AND under a heater. They eventually left and were replaced by some raucous men probably in their 50’s. I made eye contact (my face and beard clearly showing) several times. They were fans of really bad jokes and ribbing one another with even worse jokes.

As we left the ladies left the blankets on their chair. One dude tried to stop them I think. I vaguely remember hearing “hey” as I made it to their table. My front was facing them before turning my back to scoot between their table and the fireplace. My hoodie still up and my hair tucked into it. I get this tug on my arm.

“Miss. I think you ladies left some…oh never mind.”

I turned to face him at this point. Now either he noticed the blankets weren’t ours or that I had a beard and was clearly not a lady. I kept going and he turned back to his table of mid life crisesers.


The one where I should cut n paste

August 23, 2010

Before I fully get started a bit of business. I want you to head on over to the B Movie Brigade to check out the latest Monday’s Maniac by yours truly. Follow the brigade on twitter @bmoviebrigade!

With that done shall we recap one another?

Don’t worry I’ve been tested.

Well Friday you can read about it in this post from Saturday. It’s quite a fun post.

(I can’t actually back that statement up)

Saturday like most of the previous ones included a whole lot of sitting down and doing nothing. The wifey dropped the car off to have it checked out for the 3 shillelaghs big roadie to Key West. This caused some great concern and some anxious moments. News came back of what needed to be taken care of and now we wait to see how much it is.

Ah waiting is so fun isn’t it?

Anyhatewaiting I watched some nice soccer yet again. I really should just start cutting and pasting these things.

Can you say phone it in!

After the EPL match I managed to get some writing in. The MIL (I need to give her a nickname because MIL makes me want to type MILF and well I won’t be going there) wanted to take me to dinner as a late b-day dinner. We headed over to the Aladdin’s for some grub. Sticking to (and getting back on track with) the diet I had a Shish Kabob salad. I ordered it with the Tahini Yogurt Dressing (like always) but with a side of the Zesty Sweet Tomato one too. I had been interested in trying that one and felt it was time to pull a “do it already jimi!” It was a delish meal. Here is a pic snapped before devouring it:

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Looked exactly like that except more like an actual salad and less like a man with veggies on. Plus you know like not at all. That is from ATHF by the way. If you don’t like that show I will break up with you.

Like seriously.

We had a nice long talk with ILM (In law mother) which was cool because it’d been a while since we had one. Plus you know I don’t turn down free stuff.

Afterwards we (wifey and I) went back home and I planted myself in front of the tube to watch the Browns pre season game. Watching lead to this exchange:

Disclaimer: I don’t normally yell at pre season games.
Me: Oh come on jeez!
Wife (from other room): What?
Me: Sports.
(She made me institute a rule of saying sports after yelling at the TV so she knows nothing “real” is wrong.)
Wife: See this is why I hate you watching football.
Me: Why?
Wife: You yell so much.
Me: I yell at soccer.
Wife: No you don’t
Me: True. NOW SHUT THE HELL UP I’M WATCHING FOOTBALL*

*That didn’t actually happen. Don’t send me anymore emails about my wife leaving me angry email sender it hurts my feelings**

**It doesn’t actually.

We then headed over to the Capitol theatre to see “This is Spinal Tap.” Oh man there is nothing better than seeing a movie you love on the big screen and for 5 bucks. That was at midnight. When we got home and settled down it was about 3 am and we hit the hay.

Sunday started off as one big fail. First I woke up about 10am to a wicked headache. Then the cable remote wasn’t working. Once I got that taken care of the TV wouldn’t work right. Finally I got all 3 to obey me.

Soccer time yeah!

Then a trip to Aldi’s which was only worth mentioning because of the young kid there. He was walking around pointing this like lollipop necklace thing at people going:

“laser. Laser.”

I do believe he was shooting people (including the wife and I) with it.

Awesome and funny.

Of course Sunday was time for the finally Marx Bros movie being played at the Cleveland Cinematheque. Good time as always. Watch em bishes (and you thought you’d get away without me using that!) cause they’re great.

Once home we settled in together to be romantical. Syfy was showing Predator 2 and we snuggled up. Okay actually she was cleaning up around the living room but we snuggled up in spirit and soul. Interesting note: It stars Maria Conchita Alonso who we saw in The Vagina Monologues.

She found a card from me that had this in it: ‘I wouldn’t change what we have for all the tiny magical gnomes I could fit into a suitcase.”

I dropped some poetical shit on you bishes (haha 2 now!) with that line there.

Hope you had a good weekend and feel like telling me about it. DO IT!

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Tmi Thursday with a side of Ranch dressing

May 13, 2010

I once again pull from the pool (that may soon dwindle) that is known as my former place of employment. It appears I worked at a circus or at least with a bunch of side show freaks. There was a long list of characters. We’ve documented the fact that this place hired quite a bit of the handicapped (of all sorts). I applaud this. I do. I got a long with almost all of them. There really was only one exception. I won’t talk about her, but she was a jerk, and was mean to those not all there mentally.

Anycoworker there was one in particular who was not all there mentally. This post is about her, or rather that something that occurred to me because of her. Her name will be (like any time I post about someone) ever changing. For right now she is Diane. She could get a tad annoying but you know honestly the “intelligent” people there could get way more annoying. Her problem is she liked to ask a lot of questions. That isn’t quite true—she asked the same questions over and over.

It was a constant droning. Which may have been somewhat bearable but she said “huh” or “whaa” after almost every sentence you said no matter if she heard you or not. All too often a conversation would go like this:

Her: How are you doing?
Me: I’m good…how are you?
Her: Huh?
Me: Just fine Meredith. You?
Her: Whaat?
I refuse to respond and continue to go about my business.
Her: Huh? What did you say?

Anysamequestions we’ll fast forward to the end of the line work wise. It seemed like every single day of my last 2 weeks I found myself taking my break at the same time as her. Now I don’t really want to come off too mean here. I liked her. It always pissed me off when people there treated her poorly. They often did and more than a few times I had to tell people off (or at least tell them how I disagreed with what they were doing)

I mean I didn’t have a problem with her but went it came to my break it was a different story. On break I did one of these two things.
1. Read
2. Listen to my mp3 player while working on some writing.

Both activities become very hard to do when she is up there at the same time as me. It doesn’t matter where I sit in the break room she’ll choose the seat right next to me. A couple times I moved and then about two minutes later she moved to where I was sitting. I mean I know I am your ambassador of awesome, your secretary of being too sweet, and your prime minister of pimpin (what?) You get the point. Which if that’s true that makes you gentle reader a weirdo.

But I love you anyway. The problem with her always wanting to sit next to me is she liked to talk.
And talk.
And talk
And then you guessed it talk a whole lot more.

It was similar to the above conversation but lunch was different. It would start like:

Her: I bought a pop.
Me: good.
Her: Huh?
Then she’d try to open it (and every attempt always appeared to be half hearted)
Her: Nuuuuh. Nuuuuh. Nuuuuuuh. I can’t open it.
Silence.
Her: Nuuuuuuh. Nuuuuuuuh nuuuuuuuh. I can’t get it…can you open it…
Open it for her.
Her (to someone else even though nobody else is up there): He is a nice guy. That was nice. Thank you. Thank you. He is such a nice guy. You are such a nice guy.
Me: Thank you Debbie.
Her: Huhh?
I go back to reading.

Now I’m reading and she is next to me and gabbing away about the pop she has and how she wants to eat her candy bar. I sort of to the half turn into my book and turkey sammich and so she gets a bit louder. Mary is all blah blah blah and some more blah for added emphasis. She keeps talking but then a glorious event happen she stopped. There was silence. Glorious and wonderful silence that I imagine you’d have in heaven. I read on.

(Cough cough choke cough squiish slurpt slhiptslapt.)

The other constant of the break room visit with Vivian is how she goes about eating. This also means her inevitable semi choking. She eats similar to someone who is in prison. That is she shovels it in as quickly as possible. So fast that she forgets to chew or doesn’t chew fast enough. So you get loud chews that sound like two really oiled up or wet fatties are having some hot n heavy sexy.

Slap
Slap
Splat
Slurp
Slip-slapht
Gurgle
Choke
Cough
Her: I almost choked.
Me: Yeah be careful.
Her: Huh?
Me: Eat slower.
Her: You don’t want me to choke.
Me: (Oh god I do I really do) Nope.
Her: What did you say?
Silence.
Her: If I did what would happen?

I will just stop here and get on with the rest of it. Now as all of this is happening she is eating. We are on our break after all. So she is eating a big ole salad. She’s covered her salad in about 4 packets of ranch dressing. Covered of course meaning there is a Mount Rushmore of Ranch dressing sitting in the middle of her greens. There is also a good portion of it on her fingers. It appears to cover them no matter how much she slurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrpz sllllllllllllllucks at them.

Anydressing she begins to talk to me again. This time her mouth is full of lettuce and gobs of dressing. You can hear the fat oily people sex chews as she talks and this somehow makes the lisp she generally has worse. It is now a wet slippery worse. Like slapping a fresh outta the water seal in the face with Ron Jeremy’s overly lubed up dong Yeah. I’m doing my best to pretend the only thing that matters is my book. I don’t hear the fat people sex or the Ron Jeremy wet dong slapping. I don’t.
Then a 3 bite chewed piece of lettuce flew across the table.

Oh man.
Slap slap slurppe Thwipt
Missle like glob of ranch dressing shot.
My sandwich here. Glob missle here.

Oh man. Oh man. Shots fired. Shots fired. Full retreat.

She grabs my arm (with her ranch fingers) and now I have ranch elbow. She pulls at me to get my attention because apparently what she has to say is really important. Then she says

“What would you do if I choked?”

The corners of her mouth were coated in dressing and when she spread them it dripped/stuck to them. There is this tiny piece of frightened lettuce (I hope it was lettuce) clinging to her bottom lip. She kept talking and well I stopped listening. I was mesmerized by the lettuce, by the corners of her mouth slick with gross. It was this hesitation that caused all the damage. As I suppose I didn’t answer her question of what I would do after calling 911 for her she decided to get louder. That is when said piece of lettuce and more globs of dressing and lettuce (she was still eating) flew off and landing on my fucking sandwich!

Man down.
Man down.
Oh the humanity. We need a medic!
Of course that glob was the end of Jennymeredithdebbie my sandwich. I went back to reading and tried make sure I didn’t choke her to death.

Oh how I miss work.

Or do I?


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