The one with a lady intruder

March 18, 2011

St. Patrick’s Day.

Not like I need an excuse to drink but any reason to get together with friends and be around Cleveland is good enough for me. This year the 216 was beautiful. The sun was shining. The temperature was nicely in the 60’s. There was the parade. Downtown was filled with people. I was with good friends. I got fondled on the bus—

Wait what?

You read that right. We decided the best way to tackle getting to the parade was the RTA. Of course we weren’t the only ones to think of this—nor did we think we were. We boarded the first bus. It was a tight fit.

(Understatement.)

The middle doors opened and there was just one mass of arms, legs everywhere. The front was better and we at least were able to walk in without pushing people. This wouldn’t be the case with other passengers and other buses.

One stop (maybe 2?) people looking to get on included 2 people in wheelchairs. The whole front was filled. Those in the seats where the wheelchairs would need to get up. They did so with no fuss. Those of us in the front got off the bus so the driver would have room to work. As we waited we decided it might be best to catch the next bus.

And then that bus came and it was way worse. We managed to get on without pushing or hitting or making too many uncomfortable. The next stops people didn’t just pile on, they torpedoed their way on. These new riders shoved bodies every which way to get on. They of course than proceeded to complain the rest of the way that it was too packed.

We were crushed against everyone. It slowly began to get hot and stinky. Somewhere along the way a hand shot out from the crowd and fondled me. This hand didn’t just grab my chest but rubbed it before vanishing.

I won’t spend time on the parade. Just a brief list:

Floats.
Old people waving.
Old people not waving.
Kids.
Kids looking bored.
Dogs.
Bands.
Idiots in the crowd.
Drunk girl needing two people to help her walk at 4pm.
Baby getting beer spilled on it.

We did make a stop at Erie Island Coffee Co. over on East 4th. It was my first time there. I was thoroughly amused how strict they were about making sure you only used the restroom after purchasing something. I get why. I do. I don’t even have a problem with the thought (especially on a day where so many people would be out there) but still thought it was funny. They were barking it at anyone who even seemed remotely to be headed that way.

I got a chai frappe and it was delicious.

Back on the bus—this time a bit less packed. We made our way to Parnell’s Pub, because there really is nowhere else you should celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. I mean you should go there year round but they are authentic Irish. Good times as always.

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After I got a real nice buzz (bordering on nicely drunk) this happened:

I walked on over to the men’s room and opened it to find a very short haired woman wiping her hands. I said “oh” and closed the door. In my head I was thinking damn am I so drunk that I just tried to go in the ladies room? They are directly opposite from one another. As I contemplated this she opened the door.

Intruder: No you were right this is the men’s room.
Me (said with a curious ah ha tone): You’re a (came out more Youra) woman, woman.
Intruder: Yeah. I just used the men’s room—
Me: A woman!
Intruder: Oh and I kinda stopped up the toilet so I hope you don’t have to sit down.
Me: Because youra woman.

She leaves and I enter. I of course look down at the toilet before heading over to the urinal. The water was swirling closer to the edge and what was floating in there but a tampon.

Me (to the empty room in a Seinfeld voice): Woman!


The one with tragedy

March 7, 2011

The one with tragedy

This weekend was a full one. It was the weekend of the wifey’s Absinthe and champagne party. It was planned a while ago but like most things these days really came upon me out of nowhere. It was of course to celebrate her 30th birthday, and you know drink champagne and absinthe.

It was also marking my first attempt at making chocolate covered beer flavored marshmallows. I found the recipe thanks to Lead Paint Cookbook and knew I had to try it. The Champagne and absinthe party seemed like the best excuse to try. So of course I went ahead with it. I decided to use Guinness as the beer. It was an easy choice. I love Guinness, its flavor is bold and well I had some.

(Yeah I’m cheap I know)
(Also unemployed you jerk faces!)
(Now that was unpleasant. I accept your apology.)

Now it just came time to make it. I was worried because the whole baking thing isn’t really my forte. So I bugged my lovely wife a lot but I did a majority of the work.

Where is the tragedy you ask?

(You sick sons of bishes!)

It was not in the making of the beer flavored marshmallows. No they turned out pretty yummy. I’ll post about their yummy gooeyness in some other post. Why? Because I’m in charge here! Also this is about tragedy not triumph.

Later on as the party neared I was helping with finishing things up. I had just cleaned up the kitchen and washing the dishes. As I put one of the bowls away it slipped out of my hand. I almost caught it but managed to just send it higher up and then of course back down. It bounced on the sink’s edge (didn’t break) and barreled into our good great friend General Pressem. Gen. Pressem was the name of our French Press.

The bowl blindsided him as he sat drying. He never stood a chance. He flew off the counter and down to his explosive demise. He shattered and shattered. I watched in horror unable to save my friend. Pieces of his body went everywhere—including my hair.

We have some great memories of our time with him. He was always smiling and such a jokester!

He got along so well with our kitties:

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Oh man did he party it up in the Keys:

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He could roll a 300 blindfolded:

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R.I.P General Pressem


Twilight Zone drinking game

December 31, 2009

So the best part of New Years (besides the drinking and the sex) is the fact that the sci fi syfy channel shows the Twilight Zone Marathon. Now the Twilight Zone is a great show in and of itself, but add drinking and BAM! It is an amazing time. I assume seeing as we will play it for the first time this year. Now the wife promised to vomit if we used shots so I substituted shots for sips. There are 2 special instances where we will take shots (see below) otherwise anytime you see a high sip count substitute a shot for them. I hope ya enjoy. Let me know what you think and Have A HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR BITCHES AND BASTERDS!!!

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Sip everytime Rod Serling is seen.
Sip everytime the theme music is heard.
2 sips if William Shatner or Burgess Meredith is in an episode.
3 sips if there is a fictional Government involved.
Whenever there is a “twist” someone should yell “what a twist” and those who didn’t have to take a shot.
Whenever Shatner does a “face” someone should yell “Shatner Face!” and whoever doesn’t must do a shot.
3 sips anytime time travel is involved.
2 sips every time is a space ship.
2 sips if there is a robot in the episode.
1 sip if someone drinks alcohol.
4 sips if someone uses the phrase “submit to you”
2 sip every time there is an alien.
1 sip if an alien is mentioned.
2 sips if someone is wearing some sort of space suit.
2 sips if they have helmets on.
3 sips if the episode has some sort of apocalypse.
4 sips if it was all a “dream”
4 sips if the protagonist dies.
2 sips whenever a person (or people) turn out not to be real people.
2 sips if the “aliens” win the end.
3 sips if the “aliens” don’t win in the end.
2 sip anytime you see a military person.
1 sip anytime a character smokes a cigarette.
1 sip every time someone laughs insanely.
2 sips if an episode involves airplane travel.
2 sips if the devil appears and tricks someone.
1 sip when people refuse to believe the main character that knows the truth.
3 sips if a human is inappropriately suspected of being an alien.
2 sip if a planet that isn’t earth is mentioned.
1 sip when children are evil.
2 sips if a monster is seen.
4 sips if it turns out they have been dead the whole episode.
4 sips if they turn out to be in Hell.
1 sip every time an immortal/ageless character is involved.
1 sip every time paranoia tears 2 or more people apart.
2 if they kill each other. 1 if they don’t.


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