The one where I sell Land Sharks

August 27, 2010

So today I was going to discuss some stuff that was depressing/stressing me, but you don’t want that gloom on your friday do you?

Oh as long as it’s my suffering you are on board?


Anybadstart I was going to until something faboo occured. A friend from high school chatted me up on aim. I know who uses aim anymore?

Oh wait I do. God you guys are mean.

(cyber bullying is wrong!)

She immed me and well she has always been slightly awkward to talk with. Well from the get go I pretty much decided I’d get some stress relief out of this convo. So I present to you one of the reasons it probably sucks to know/interact with me in any way.

Friend from school: HI.
Me: Oh my god your caps just broke my eyes!
F: What??
Me: I’m sorry I can’t see what you said because my eyes are broken now. Press 2.
F: Why?
Me: I see you didn’t press 2. I still can’t see though.
F: Why can’t you be serious?
Me: Because I was born a preemie.
F: You were? I didn’t know that.
Me: Oh I sent a memo out from the incubator, check your spam folder.
F: Liar.
Me: Burnt orange crayon.
F: What the heck?
Me: You called me a name so I called you a name.
F: Oh. How have you been?
Me: Still trying to get over the trauma of being a preemie.
F: lol. Sorry.
Me: Sorry doesn’t bring back my lost buddies. I saw em die man.
F: Anyway, I’m finishing up school…
Me: You don’t know you weren’t there.
F: Okay….what about school?
Me: They don’t let preemies in schools.
F: I have on semester left and then I dunno what I do.
Me: You stop going.
F: No. One more semester.
Me: No after you finish you stop going.
F: Yeah and find my job.
Me: Check in the last pair of pants you wore.
F: For?
Me: For your lost job?
F: I didn’t lose it.
Me: I can’t deal with your propaganda.
F: What?
Me: Nothing….
F: What is your job?
Me: Don’t spy on me.
F: What?
Me: You say that a lot.
F: You say weird things.
Me: You say things like a burnt orange crayon.
F: I don’t know what that means.
Me: Preemie slang.
F: Oh.
F: What is your job?
Me: Land Shark.
F: I don’t know what that is….
Me: I sell em.
F: What?
Me: Land Sharks. Door to door.
F: I don’t get it.
Me: No money no sharkie.
F: But what is it?
Me: Of the land variety. You see that Saturday night sketch with the guy in a shark suit?
F: Yeah I think…
Me: Well I sell people guys in sharks suits to go around and you know say “Land Shark”
F: Why?
Me: My preemie officer says I need money.
F: Who?
Me: Top men.
F: o….
Me: *ding dong* “Land shark here”
F: Okay…
Me: No you don’t answer the door he’ll eat you.
F: Who?
Me: Whoever the hell you paid me to give you in a land shark.
F: Oh…they come to the door?
Me: well it won’t work if they don’t. Then you wait till they say “united way collecting money for the needy” or you know some such thing and you open the door.
F: What do they give me?
Me: They eat you.
F: Funny.
Me: I think you lied about seeing it. Pay me for the Land shark now.
F: Maybe I didn’t
Me: No shark if you don’t hand over the bark.
F: What?
Me: “Land shark”
F: Phone…
Me: That’s not my name!
F: On phone.
Me: My eyeeeeeeeeees. They shattered again!

I hope you enjoy your Friday and weekend bishes!

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the one where I write Lilu a bad ode

July 12, 2010

Okay a while ago I decided I’d write an ode to Lilu in support of her MTV TJ campaign. This would generally be frowned upon by most candidates for most things. I enjoy writing the horribly bad odes to things I love. Oh oh that sounds creepy. Moving on I decided but never did, but then I had a bit of nicely buzzed free time at the pub yesterday. The lovely wife and Lindsay joined me at Parnell’s for the World Cup Final. It was fun and met some cool peeps but that is for another time. As we waited for our tabs and what not I began to jokingly pen an ode to lilu on a wet napkin.

The fact I did it on a wet napkin does not reflect her awesomeness. Or it does depending what each and every one (read all 5 people) of you reading this feel about wet napkins. Anynapkin I kept it going on in my notebook and well it expanded got weirder and well ended up like this.

Another note:
I don’t know why the parenthesis stuff doesn’t have to rhyme. Also they should be heard in your head like how Nelly sings in ‘Pimp Juice’

I apologize in advance…..

Let her tweet (mtv!)
or I’ll kick you with my feet (of course I will!)
My feet are dirty and that wouldn’t be fun (for youuuu)
But this is about Lilu not you, me or Attila the hun (say whattt?)
She can quote always sunny just like a pro. (rock flag and eagleeee)
I got to wonder how good she’d look with a kick ass fro. (look at all that hair)
You know you can’t beat her surprise trust falls (you better catch her)
Can only hope she’d take her cat’s phone calls (yes live on the air)
Guess I should have said fur babies (save them all)
Bish so cool you’d let her give you rabies (no she doesn’t actually have rabies!)
Lilu she does got that humor (thang dowwwn)
Oh oh you think we could get her to say “it’s not a tumor” (all kindergarten cop like)
She’s a hot momma that calls herself a southified mass-hole (that’s betta than an asshole yo)
DUST YOUR SHOES OFF – befo` you touch that flo (I totally ripped that whole line from Nelly)
On MTV she’d be nothing but awesome. (and that’s no mean feet err feat)
I’m relatively sure she’s never stabbed a bum (can you say the same?)
Unless of course it was a triple dog dare (that doesn’t count)
Just take a look at her hair (wait what?)
Moving on because that was sort of creepy (and how?)
Will you vote for her if she promises to live in a teepee? (How)
That joke was pretty tasteless (sing alongggg)
On TV she’d dance and be shameless (losing is for losers)
She’s a dork and makes it look good (go on get your nerd on)
Oh and she pulls off saying “bish:” now I just wish I could (nope can’t do it)
Wine in a can and French fries can be considered romancing (can we channel sir mix a lot?)
You know we could use some more white girl dancing (vote bishes!)

What are you waiting for? Vote here

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I’m a director bishes

April 4, 2010

As you all know my wife and I are co-directing a play. Well it goes up this weekend! I know right? So please pleas come on out. It should be a good time. It is FREE and I will be giving out hugs and may presents from big fun. You never know. Here is all the deets

Please join me for the performance of Dan Leatherman’s MFA Playwriting Thesis. This solo piece is the product of an investigation into tragicomedy using stories from the playwrights own life as the subject. It should be a fun evening that pushes the boundaries of taste, humor, & the definition of tragedy.

About the show:

The show features upwards of 15 characters (I haven’t actually counted yet) and attempts to explain how being in Hair Bands in my formative years led to who I am now. Granted, these are only the PG-13/R rated stories but entertaining nonetheless.

The show is absolutely FREE but please call 216-687-2109 (follow instructions after listening to the blurb about last theater show that is not mine) to reserve your spot (Highly Recommended).

The Theater is accessed form E. 24th street between Payne and Chester. Pull into the only lot entrance on the west side of the street and turn left. There is a map in the following link:

The Shows run Friday April 9 & Saturday April 10 at 8PM, and Sunday April 11 at 3 PM.

Thanks and have a great time!

Please come out!

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