Excuse me maam: Virginia Style

November 9, 2010

Photobucket

Yep. It already happened again. This time it took place in the lovely mountains of Virginia. The Three Shillelaghs were up there on our traditional trek. The last time we were up there a brewery was being built. This year it had been up and running for a while.

Everywhere I go I like to try a local beer. So we immediately made plans to head up to The Devil’s Backbone Brewery and Restaurant. After a beautiful and relaxing morning we headed out. We stopped at an awesome place named Graves where I chased down that elusive Choco Taco! Yeah!

Photobucket

We headed up the mountain—Blue Ridge Parkway. This is also a tradition. We do enjoy our traditions, you may have noticed. Anyhoo we get up there and park. There be some optimal picture taking area. The area is beautiful and pics to come—maybe.

Oh come now (That’s what she said!) stop your whining this is another kind of post.

The day was nice. The sky bright blue and had a few puffy white cotton balls floating around in it. It wasn’t too chilly down below (TWSS!) but up on the mountain it was nippy. We enjoyed the view and snapped pictures before heading back down

Devils Backbone had a pretty full parking lot. The restaurant was no different. The sun was slowly creeping down as was the temp. There was an option given to us. Wait for who knows how long to sit inside or have dinner on the patio. It was a nice patio and a nice view too.

It was cold though. The patio did have heat. It consisted of a very lovely fireplace, two hanging heaters and then two moveable heaters. They also offered blankets. The wifey enjoyed the fireplace because she was right next to it. I was to the side/behind of it and Pelvic Joann was across the table of it. The two hanging heaters only helped the tables they were above. Those were the prime seats. The moveable heaters were not on.

In their fairness we didn’t ask about why. Eventually (as we neared the end of dinner) one was turned on and brought over to us. I sat with my hoodie on and up. The ladies took advantage of the blankets.
They were the cause of the post. I mean the blankets not the ladies. Dinner consisted of delicious meatloaf (kat), coffee braised steak (me) and the bone smoker platter (hahaha) for Pelvy. They had bread pudding for dessert.

During the meal some woman sat at the prime table in front of the fireplace AND under a heater. They eventually left and were replaced by some raucous men probably in their 50’s. I made eye contact (my face and beard clearly showing) several times. They were fans of really bad jokes and ribbing one another with even worse jokes.

As we left the ladies left the blankets on their chair. One dude tried to stop them I think. I vaguely remember hearing “hey” as I made it to their table. My front was facing them before turning my back to scoot between their table and the fireplace. My hoodie still up and my hair tucked into it. I get this tug on my arm.

“Miss. I think you ladies left some…oh never mind.”

I turned to face him at this point. Now either he noticed the blankets weren’t ours or that I had a beard and was clearly not a lady. I kept going and he turned back to his table of mid life crisesers.

Advertisements

The one with the guy who thought he was smooth

August 28, 2010

No it’s not me. I know I’m not smooth.

At least not 100 % of the time.

The following takes place at the Lou Barlow and the Missing Men show at the Grog Shop. It really has nothing to do with the show itself. That post will come later. The story is about a guy. A guy who clearly thinks he is smooth with women but most clearly is not. He was as generic normal looking as the next college guy hitting up a show at the grog shop.

(I’m pretty sure he practices fist pumping in the mirror.)

AnyJerseyShoreReference I was in the men’s bathroom when I first encountered the tool young man—oh who am I kidding he was a tool. I was at one of the three urinals making a sissy (ha take that wife!) and there was another guy at another one.

Side note: The grog means bathroom is set up so that there are 2 urinals on one wall and a 3rd directly on the opposite wall. Here crappy drawing to confuse and horrify you:

Photobucket

So keep that horrible paint shop chicken scratch in mind. So Douche O’Tool saunters on into the bathroom. There is a guy washing his hands and (as said before) two urinals being used. I’m at urinal A and there is a skinny dude at Urinal C. Now the quarters are close but unless you are precious (bad form peter) or fat bastard you can get in there easily. You know in and to the urinal without you know touching another dude and becoming gay because of it. He says:

O’Tool: Woah! A line in here what is this the woman’s room?

(No line not sure what he was talking about.)

O’Tool: I’m not going to that urinal and that guy is at the sink or I’d pee there.

At this point someone comes in and O’Tool says to him:

O’Tool: You see that chicks tits?

Guy: No, who?

O’Tool: Some chick out there.

So now I go to wash my hands and he runs to the urinal and pees. As I finish and leave he zips ups and hurriedly squeezes past me. As he does a girl is rounding the corner to go to the ladies room. She is wearing a cool Dinosaur Jr. Tee:

Photobucket

He stops her as she reaches the door.

O’Tool: That’s a dope shirt.

Chick: Thanks.

O’Tool: That’s a shirt that says “date me” all over it.

Chick: No thanks.

(She pushes door open.)

O’Tool: Hey mebbe we can xchange digits?

Chick: I don’t know about that.

O’Tool: Oh. You want me to wait out here?

(She goes inside the bathroom)

Yeah that actually happened. And yes I actually stopped to listen to this—pretending that I was texting someone—because I knew O’Tool wouldn’t let me down.

Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to Yahoo BuzzAdd to Newsvine


The one where I sell Land Sharks

August 27, 2010

So today I was going to discuss some stuff that was depressing/stressing me, but you don’t want that gloom on your friday do you?

Oh as long as it’s my suffering you are on board?

(Jerks.)

Anybadstart I was going to until something faboo occured. A friend from high school chatted me up on aim. I know who uses aim anymore?

Oh wait I do. God you guys are mean.

(cyber bullying is wrong!)

She immed me and well she has always been slightly awkward to talk with. Well from the get go I pretty much decided I’d get some stress relief out of this convo. So I present to you one of the reasons it probably sucks to know/interact with me in any way.

Friend from school: HI.
Me: Oh my god your caps just broke my eyes!
F: What??
Me: I’m sorry I can’t see what you said because my eyes are broken now. Press 2.
F: Why?
Me: I see you didn’t press 2. I still can’t see though.
F: Why can’t you be serious?
Me: Because I was born a preemie.
F: You were? I didn’t know that.
Me: Oh I sent a memo out from the incubator, check your spam folder.
F: Liar.
Me: Burnt orange crayon.
F: What the heck?
Me: You called me a name so I called you a name.
F: Oh. How have you been?
Me: Still trying to get over the trauma of being a preemie.
F: lol. Sorry.
Me: Sorry doesn’t bring back my lost buddies. I saw em die man.
F: Anyway, I’m finishing up school…
Me: You don’t know you weren’t there.
F: Okay….what about school?
Me: They don’t let preemies in schools.
F: I have on semester left and then I dunno what I do.
Me: You stop going.
F: No. One more semester.
Me: No after you finish you stop going.
F: Yeah and find my job.
Me: Check in the last pair of pants you wore.
F: For?
Me: For your lost job?
F: I didn’t lose it.
Me: I can’t deal with your propaganda.
F: What?
Me: Nothing….
F: What is your job?
Me: Don’t spy on me.
F: What?
Me: You say that a lot.
F: You say weird things.
Me: You say things like a burnt orange crayon.
F: I don’t know what that means.
Me: Preemie slang.
F: Oh.
F: What is your job?
Me: Land Shark.
F: I don’t know what that is….
Me: I sell em.
F: What?
Me: Land Sharks. Door to door.
F: I don’t get it.
Me: No money no sharkie.
F: But what is it?
Me: Of the land variety. You see that Saturday night sketch with the guy in a shark suit?
F: Yeah I think…
Me: Well I sell people guys in sharks suits to go around and you know say “Land Shark”
F: Why?
Me: My preemie officer says I need money.
F: Who?
Me: Top men.
F: o….
Me: *ding dong* “Land shark here”
F: Okay…
Me: No you don’t answer the door he’ll eat you.
F: Who?
Me: Whoever the hell you paid me to give you in a land shark.
F: Oh…they come to the door?
Me: well it won’t work if they don’t. Then you wait till they say “united way collecting money for the needy” or you know some such thing and you open the door.
F: What do they give me?
Me: They eat you.
F: Funny.
Me: I think you lied about seeing it. Pay me for the Land shark now.
F: Maybe I didn’t
Me: No shark if you don’t hand over the bark.
F: What?
Me: “Land shark”
F: Phone…
Me: That’s not my name!
F: On phone.
F: BRB.
Me: My eyeeeeeeeeees. They shattered again!

I hope you enjoy your Friday and weekend bishes!

Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to Yahoo BuzzAdd to Newsvine


The one where I should cut n paste

August 23, 2010

Before I fully get started a bit of business. I want you to head on over to the B Movie Brigade to check out the latest Monday’s Maniac by yours truly. Follow the brigade on twitter @bmoviebrigade!

With that done shall we recap one another?

Don’t worry I’ve been tested.

Well Friday you can read about it in this post from Saturday. It’s quite a fun post.

(I can’t actually back that statement up)

Saturday like most of the previous ones included a whole lot of sitting down and doing nothing. The wifey dropped the car off to have it checked out for the 3 shillelaghs big roadie to Key West. This caused some great concern and some anxious moments. News came back of what needed to be taken care of and now we wait to see how much it is.

Ah waiting is so fun isn’t it?

Anyhatewaiting I watched some nice soccer yet again. I really should just start cutting and pasting these things.

Can you say phone it in!

After the EPL match I managed to get some writing in. The MIL (I need to give her a nickname because MIL makes me want to type MILF and well I won’t be going there) wanted to take me to dinner as a late b-day dinner. We headed over to the Aladdin’s for some grub. Sticking to (and getting back on track with) the diet I had a Shish Kabob salad. I ordered it with the Tahini Yogurt Dressing (like always) but with a side of the Zesty Sweet Tomato one too. I had been interested in trying that one and felt it was time to pull a “do it already jimi!” It was a delish meal. Here is a pic snapped before devouring it:

Photobucket

Looked exactly like that except more like an actual salad and less like a man with veggies on. Plus you know like not at all. That is from ATHF by the way. If you don’t like that show I will break up with you.

Like seriously.

We had a nice long talk with ILM (In law mother) which was cool because it’d been a while since we had one. Plus you know I don’t turn down free stuff.

Afterwards we (wifey and I) went back home and I planted myself in front of the tube to watch the Browns pre season game. Watching lead to this exchange:

Disclaimer: I don’t normally yell at pre season games.
Me: Oh come on jeez!
Wife (from other room): What?
Me: Sports.
(She made me institute a rule of saying sports after yelling at the TV so she knows nothing “real” is wrong.)
Wife: See this is why I hate you watching football.
Me: Why?
Wife: You yell so much.
Me: I yell at soccer.
Wife: No you don’t
Me: True. NOW SHUT THE HELL UP I’M WATCHING FOOTBALL*

*That didn’t actually happen. Don’t send me anymore emails about my wife leaving me angry email sender it hurts my feelings**

**It doesn’t actually.

We then headed over to the Capitol theatre to see “This is Spinal Tap.” Oh man there is nothing better than seeing a movie you love on the big screen and for 5 bucks. That was at midnight. When we got home and settled down it was about 3 am and we hit the hay.

Sunday started off as one big fail. First I woke up about 10am to a wicked headache. Then the cable remote wasn’t working. Once I got that taken care of the TV wouldn’t work right. Finally I got all 3 to obey me.

Soccer time yeah!

Then a trip to Aldi’s which was only worth mentioning because of the young kid there. He was walking around pointing this like lollipop necklace thing at people going:

“laser. Laser.”

I do believe he was shooting people (including the wife and I) with it.

Awesome and funny.

Of course Sunday was time for the finally Marx Bros movie being played at the Cleveland Cinematheque. Good time as always. Watch em bishes (and you thought you’d get away without me using that!) cause they’re great.

Once home we settled in together to be romantical. Syfy was showing Predator 2 and we snuggled up. Okay actually she was cleaning up around the living room but we snuggled up in spirit and soul. Interesting note: It stars Maria Conchita Alonso who we saw in The Vagina Monologues.

She found a card from me that had this in it: ‘I wouldn’t change what we have for all the tiny magical gnomes I could fit into a suitcase.”

I dropped some poetical shit on you bishes (haha 2 now!) with that line there.

Hope you had a good weekend and feel like telling me about it. DO IT!

Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to Yahoo BuzzAdd to Newsvine


Is this recap on?

August 16, 2010

And here we go. We need to rush right into the weekend recap because there was so much going on.

Wait I mostly sat on my couch all weekend?

Okay then. Those days can be good too. You know just sitting on the couch with your sweetie relaxing.

Oh it was mostly sitting on the couch with my laptop by myself? Well okay then.

Look can we just get through this recap without you asking so many questions? I mean rude. Give me a chance without all these accusations you keep throwing at me. I don’t need this type of abuse!

Anynotfunnyjoke the weekend was a strange mixture of doing things and sitting around. Friday night we had tickets to the Beck Center for the Arts production of ‘The Producers’. There will probably be a bigger post with my thoughts on the show tomorrow (no promises!) It was a fun time though. From there we made our way over to Parnell’s Pub to help the two soon to be newlyweds celebrate but since that plays is like 3 hours long we of course missed them. It was still a good time as always and we celebrated (read drank) with them in spirit. The wifey had 2 Strongbow and got a cute little buzz. She normally holds it better than that but it’s cute when she gets a little loopy up there.

Bed time a robust (what the what?) 2:30am.

And then Saturday we slept till noon. Yeah, for no real reason I slept that late and because of it woke up with a headache. This was a day for complete and utter uselessness. The wifey was on the phone with Dell for a long while (shocking I know.) I tried to get some writing done and shake the headache. I watched some English Premier League matches. We enjoyed our new French press.

Later in the day we went to see A night at the Opera (Marx Brothers bishes) at the Cinematheque. I’m digging the Cinematheque. A good place to watch flicks you can’t find elsewhere and you can bring your own food and drink into the theatre. I still don’t think the membership is all that worth it though but I love the place.

And I’m the Mayor bishes! (I’ll wait while you all yell your hatred for 4square out)

Afterwards we went home and had some delicious dinner. Of course the meal following the diets guidelines of:

1 protein
1 veggie
2 cups of lettuce
1 fruit

4 pounds lost last week which can be added to the previous 6 to make a decent start. Long ways to go but I know that and plan to make it there. It’s been easier this time because the wife has made a good variation of what we can have.

They say variety is the best way to make money in the prostitute business.

Something similar to that. Anyhooking from there we went to you guessed it Parnell’s! This time it was to meet some friends who now live out of this awesome state. We had a few drinks and a bunch of laughs. I got a few good overheard tidbits too. From there it was pretty much home and to bed.

Bed time: 1:00am

Sunday we woke up earlier but it was a lazy day for me (what else is new?) as I watched some more EPL and tried to write. I mostly just worked on some editing and what not which counts.

Right?
Right?
Is this thing on?

The wife did some cleaning and of course there was the Star Wars marathon on Spike TV. I can’t pass up Star Wars. It was fun to see her bust out with the appropriate famous line for whatever scene was on when she entered the room.

By fun I mean hot. Sexy sexy.

Anynerd then we went to her dad’s house for some grub and family time. Which is always fun, especially since he floated the idea of us going to a Brown’s game. We headed to the big bird for some quick fix to a food for the next day problem. Then we came home made sure to dvr the roast of Hasselhoff and I watched the end of Summerslam.

She went to bed pretty early and I stayed up writing and then doing the dishes.
Don’t ask.

Then I wrote out a post card to send to my Uncle who is in jail. It’s been a while since wev’e talked and I wanted a quick way for him to get something to know I’m thinking of him.

How was your weekend?

Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to Yahoo BuzzAdd to Newsvine


It’s a RECAP! or My first week unemployed

March 22, 2010

Photobucket

Run! Gooo. Get to the choppa! ( I use this so much that I finally added “choppa” to the Microsoft word dictionary.)

I’m sorry I’m mixing my movie jokes again.

So my time as unemployed has begun. Like you couldn’t tell, but I digress. It’s been a weird week. I did some writing which was important. Did I make an all out breakthrough with anything? No, not really. I did do a good chunk of writing though and I managed to make some headway in the mess that is the currently play.

Organization is apparently an important thing.

I’ve made some goals. Goals are good right? I mean in soccer they are so they gotta be for me right? Cleveland Public Theatre (A local theatre here) will be receiving lots of scripts and etc from me in the near future. Also I need to be smart and take part in their ‘Dark Room’. It is held on the second Tuesday of every month and I think will be a great tool for any writer and/or actor. Actors and writers show up to a place where there is free Magic Hat beer (!) and writers bring 10 pages of writing to be read. Everyone gets together and bam just like that writers get to hear what their words sound like. Inconceivable!

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Sorry I did that whole random quote thing again. It does bring me to the next thing I did which was go see The Princess Bride at the @capitolw65th. It is part of their late shift that shows cult classic movies twice a month. It was a good time and provided some nice ‘Put my arm around my wife and laugh time’ that can be hard to come by sometimes. The late shift is a good time and cheap. You get some good times (either because you enjoy the movie or because it’s so bad you enjoy laughing at it) and it only cost 5 bucks. They do a good job of making it a fun time. They’ve had cake, ice cream, candy, dress ups and giveaways.

Most of the week has been sitting on my ass. Which yes has been a good thing but it’s also sucked a bit. The main problem was that the unemployment started right as March Madness did. I’ve not been able to watch all of the games in a long time and did not plan accordingly. The weather was nice enough to take walks but since I went about my routine of writing when I wake up I’d miss the chance. I’d write till it was time for the games to begin and by then it was too late to take a walk. My ass rapidly became sore (That’s what she said!) from sitting so damn much.

St. Patrick’s Day has always been fun for me. This year was one where I didn’t have to take it off to have the fun. The wife made cupcakes that are clear proof of Gods existence.
Or that she makes tasty things. Anycupcake. What she made was chocolate Guinness cupcakes with Irish whiskey Ganache filling and bailey’s butter cream frosting. Defuckinglightful! Dinner consisted of Beef and Guinness stew also defuckinglightful. The night consisted of spending time with Julie, Brandon Lindsay and my lovely wifey at Parnell’s Pub. A real fricking Irish Pub! You don’t get no car bombs or green fricking beer at this place. What do you get? Well I got a shirt that says it has the best head in Cleveland. Yeah!

Oh yeah filed for unemployment.

Beachland Brunch on Sunday with Julie, Marc, Brandon, and the wifey was tasty as ever. The wife and I shared a Bloody Ninja bloody Mary there. Yeah I k now the name is awesome! I’m happy that I’m mixing it up with new people. I don’t have many people I let it and I sort of make it hard to get to know me, but I think my group is expanding.

Yeah Progress!

So to sum up: Filing, Sitting, writing, sitting, sitting, sitting, Drinking, shirt buying, cupcakes, stew, sitting, friends, sitting, reading, writing, basketball, basketball, basketball, soccer, sitting, The Princess Bride, sitting, Brunch, sitting,


Is it Halloween yet?

September 23, 2009

Fall is here. I’ve always been a big fan of fall. Hell since I grew up in Florida I’m still a fan of winter, but I have a real love affair with fall. With the changes come football and soccer and baseball playoffs. Don’t even get me started on the Cavs. There are delicious Pumpkin Spice Lattes and Pumpkin Spice creamers. And of course there is: Pumpkin beer! I also look forward to Halloween and the deciding of costumes. Today I’m happy to announce not only the newest Super Hero and my costumes (a work one and a out at night one.) for 2009.

Produce Man!*

*A quazi fuck you from jimi to his higher ups.

The back story on this is known by a big chunk of you. For the rest I’ll give it a quick recap of it. I’ll not go into a detailed recounting of the changing of the departments and all that jazz. I’ll simply use I went from Department Head of HBC/GM to essentially lackey in Produce. So every single day since said move, the store manager has greeted me with “Mr. Produce!” or “Mr. Produce Man!” I’ve not figured out if he’s doing this because he knows how much I hate the move and he does it on purpose or he’s simply oblivious to that and unintentionally being a jerk.

To say the least it really grinds my gears.

So as I use Pumpkin Spice Creamer and pass by new Pumpkin Lagers my thoughts turn to Halloween. At work we’re allowed to dress up. Many don’t take this opportunity but I will jump at any chance to not have to wear the uniform. Last year (as I’ve shown) I was Hannah Montana. Which consisted of:

1 Hannah Montana wig (official)
1 Pair of girl jeans
1 Sparkly (thrift store purchased) girl top
1 ugly jean jacket (borrowed from the wife)
1 Hannah Montana microphone (official)
It was a lot of fun. Customers and coworkers alike enjoyed it. I was thinking about being Miley Cyrus this year. The move to produce has ruined the costume picking to some degree. I can’t go too detailed or expensive because of the tendency to get dirty and wet. Then one day as the store’s manager came back for his seemingly daily check on me it hit me. He threw the door open and said “Mr. Produce Man”.

I’d be the newest and greatest Super Hero of them all: Produce Man!

Of course this is dependent on the approval of the other two Shillelaghs and if my wife will make it for me. Produce Man’s colors are green and black. I’m even going to come up with a slogan, something along the lines of “Justice will never rot when Produce Man is near!” Here is the first draft of it:

003

The costume as of now consists of:
1. A mask
2. P on chest
3. A cape
4. A gun belt w/ bananas in it.
5. Tights (my wife vetoed these) so perhaps jogging pants?


%d bloggers like this: