the one with an origin story.

July 18, 2011

The fact that the wifebot was in a show recently meant that I was at a Theatre a lot over the last three weeks. This is something I’ll rarely complain about. I love the vibe, passion and energy that flow freely at a theatre when a show is up. Strangely the audience was usually made up of older adults.

(Strange in that it wasn’t the traditional plays being performed.)

I rarely miss a show of hers and this time was no different. I was at every single performance even the preview show. This means a lot of time around actors and directors, which for me is always a little strange. I dig them; it just always feels a little weird.

This also (generally) means I’m going to field the “you’re a playwright?” or “what are you writing over there?” questions. You can throw in the paranoia that I’m writing what they are saying or writing about them.

Now I’ve been known to steal conversations and clearly there is overheard Ohio but come on people. Not everything is about you. One night I was talking to an actor and they asked why I didn’t submit to the fest.

(And that is a story of my idiotic messing up of the deadline.)

As I talked over my glass of complimentary wine a dude who had been eyeing me as I wrote made his way to where I was sitting. As I returned from the wine table/my conversation he asked if I was going to be sitting there again. I told him he could have that seat as I was gonna walk around a bit.

He frowned and said “I was hoping you’d have a seat with me. I’d like to ask you some things.”

Jimi: Fuck that shit can’t you see I was working on some writing?

Or

Jimi: Sure why not.

I sat. He peered at me.

Him: I heard you’re a playwright.
Me: yeah.
Him: How does one go about becoming a playwright?
Me: Write plays? I mean I found my passion there and see things on the stage now.

The conversation went on from there. Mostly about how, what and why I write plays. He asked if I could talk about the play I was working on with him.

You may or may not know that the play I’m working on is a struggling playwright (ha ha) who gets dumped, fired, and rejected on the same day. He gets drunk and wants a simpler time. He remembers (and longs for) the time fondly when he was young and had an imaginary friend. His friend’s name is Percy T. Whale and yes he is a walking talking whale. He wishes for him and he returns. The problem? Percy is a drunk, annoying jerk who only causes trouble.

So I tell him this and he starts to get into it. He‘s asking questions and throwing out suggestions. He asks if I’ve considered letting someone writing a scene or two for me.

(Uhm?)

As the conversation continues it seems more and more like he’s hoping I’ll ask him to collaborate with me. Luckily Lindsay came and I was saved. The next week an older lady heard I’d seen every show—I help out the theatre doing whatever I can—and asked me why. When she found out that my wife is an actress and I’m a playwright she began asking questions.

I talked all the while hoping she’d ask me how I became a playwright.

Origin of a playwright:

When I was twelve I hated reading and loved math. I wanted to grow up and do something in the math field. One day while walking around and solving math problems in my head I came across a dog. I went to pet it and it bit my arm. I passed out.

When I woke up I was in the hospital and the doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I had a fever and just started writing and writing plays. I wrote until the fever went down and I’ve been a playwright ever since.

She didn’t ask but that will be what I tell the next person.


the one where I’m a drunk Nancy Reagan

July 14, 2011

Let’s take a little trip back in time.

(Oh come on if you’re reading this you clearly don’t value your time.)

It won’t be a far trip (or particularly entertaining one—damn got to work on my selling technique) I promise. I won’t even use my usual “where we’re going we don’t need roads” Back to the Future joke.

(Ha sorta did so take that!)

AnyTauntingMyTwoReaders we’re going all the way back to Sunday. Close your eyes and picture what you were doing last Sunday night at about 10pm east coast time. Got it? Good, now forget it because this is about me and what I was doing. I was sitting pretty much where I am now. Where?

(nosy.)
(Oh I should be painting you a mental picture?)
(Fine.)

I was sitting at the table in what we call our library. My computer is open just like it is now and I had a glass of water. The window was open and I had a fan on the floor next to me. I was wearing a Miami Dolphins tee shirt and boxers. These boxers sort of have a malfunction where the little pee flap thingy is. The thing caught on the drawer (the same one that tried to bugger my bum.) and now the flap is a little bigger than needed. With this in mind I positioned the fan and my legs so that the air would blast right into there. Ah nice and cool man bits.

(See what happens when you want a picture painted?)

So there I was being all Fitzgeraldly and typing away:

Typey typey type type.

When I needed a break. So I went on google+ and there was nothing new posted in the last like 5 hours, so I headed over to the twitter. I happened to see a tweet from the lead singer of a band, posting a link to summer tour dates/album info. The band is Patent Pending. Now these guys were here couple months ago and are part of warped tour. I’ve not missed a Cleveland show of theirs in 5 years but warped tour doesn’t count. stream theier latest album here or check out The Magical World of Joe. We decided a long time ago (after attending one and being trampled by a migraine while there) that festival shows are a no go. The other reason is you know unemployed and all can’t just spend tons of money all the time.

So I was going to ignore the link because I knew when the album was due and figured they wouldn’t be here anytime soon. Eventually I was curious (thinking maybe near the end they’d return) and clicked.

Me: Holy yoda’s green little balls! Patent Pending has a concert tomorrow night!

(Probably didn’t say it that way but I wanted you thinking of yoda’s little green balls. You’re welcome.)

It was to be at Peabody’s which we hate but will go there to see Patent Pending any old day. It turned out it was in the tiny Pirate’s Cove (inside Peabody’s) which brought back mostly fond memories. They wifebot (when she was just the girlfriendbot) and her friends would go there for 80’s dance night. I’d attend (no dancing) and sit at the bar drinking and writing.

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So we show up and are pretty much the only (non people working there/playing) drinking at the show. The show was awesome and I consider Joe (lead singer) a friend by now. By the end of it I was carrying a nice buzz. We headed on home but had to stop at Walgreens for cat food. After telling all the workers in there they are awesome I grabbed the kitty chow and stopped at the cheap movie bin.

Training Day was calling my name. From there I walked toward the cold drink section. As I did this happened:

A lady woman storms passed. Her children like 6 steps behind.

Little girl: Mom…mommy you said you needed medicine the drug section is back there.

Mom: Shut up. (she goes on to inspect the soda pop section.)

Me (tapping little girl on the shoulder): Say no to drugs and you’ll be awesome!

(Thumbs up.)

Little girl: ….

Me: Awesome. (thumbs up)

I left her there to ponder my wisdom.

Next time I’ll go with this:

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What I learned last week: 6/3-6/10

July 10, 2011

What I learned from last week

Group interviews suck:

Ok technically I already knew this. I’d been in group interviews before and they’ve always sucked. Last week I had an interview for a job at a college. I arrived all gussied up and what not. When I checked in I heard group interview and my first instinct was to run. I didn’t I sucked it up and went through with it. It was horridly painful. It ended with each of us having to get up in front and do a “commercial” about ourselves.

Katy Perry is hot.

Ok again something I already knew. I’ve never hid the fact that I have an HUGE crush on Katy Perry. The problem it seems is I also enjoy her music. I mean it’s not my favorite in the world but I dig it and she is way hot. So the wifebot bought tickets to her concert and I went.

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Katy Perry puts on a surprising good show.

She sort of won me over with her performance.
(Okay she had already won me over with her boobs, but still.)
Her show was very theatrical and pretty fun.

Star Trek the Next Generation: The Porn Parody:

Yes there is this. They do appear to have tried to have a real plot and decent attempt at graphics. Kimberly Kane (another crush of mine.) is in it, but unfortunately not really in the trailer. She plays Dr. Crusher.

I REALLY like to talk about my writing:

We all probably knew that, but this week it really stuck out. There was this strange dude at the wife’s show and he heard me say I was a playwright. He asked to talk with me and asked about my writing. I talked and answered all his questions even when it got weird. He seemed to be steering it toward trying to “collaborate” with me.

The wifebot is an amazing actress:

Again already knew this but the shows this weekend were pretty impressive. Plus look what the Sun News said: Catherine Remick (the wifebot) and Natalie Dolezal start off the festival with strong, snarky emotion absolutely crucial to the scene and some of the most capable and natural acting in the production. I got it here.

Going out to see Fireworks can be a good time:

I’ve sort of been lukewarm about going to see fireworks. I mean I enjoy it but this year I had a lot of fun.The three shillelaghs headed over to family fest (I think it was called that) presented by RTA. It was a good time. It was nice to hang out enjoying the 216 on a blanket with friends and random people.

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We’re rock stars:

Two times last week the wifebot and I were singled out for being awesome. As we left for the Katy Perry concert we were stopped by a lady. She said “you two look like you was walking right out of a magazine.” On the 4th of July as we entered the family fest (or whatever) a man stopped us to take our picture. He thought we were “such an interesting couple” and “looked made for each other.”

Finding lost friends:

Just yesterday my meebo app (lets me chat easily on my phone) signed on by itself. My sound was off and I was unaware. It’s connected to my aim (I know right?) and someone who I met thru a band’s message board immed me. I saw it like 3 hours later but luckily she was still online. We talked and it was nice. We’ve made sure to connect in other ways. It was very nice.

Movies on the couch:

It is such a simple joy putting in a movie and cuddling with the wifebot. Perfection.


The one with child locks

May 10, 2011

Hey there interwebbers! I’ve been a bit busy with gorging myself on many a restaurant and visiting with family. So I’ve been a little preoccupied. Fear not I’ve been soaking up adventures to post.

(Yeah right.)

As of late the wifebot has been a bit trigger happy on the child locks. This really does nothing when it comes to the door—it locks the doors but the front passenger will still open. Now the windows stay locked no matter what seat you are in.

So the lovely wife out of fear the trouble I would cause with an open window employs the child lock liberally. I apparently have a habit of yelling “weird” things at people as we pass them by. It’ll go something sort of like this:

Generic driving trip.

(I see someone or something that clicks something in my head.)

Me (to the car): Funny or weird comment.
(I turn toward the window and prepare to open it.)

Kat: No!
(She hits child lock.)

Me: I’m not a child!

Sometimes I throw in “You can’t censor me!”

Lately though she is taking no chances. It just has to seem like I may be saying something and bam child locks! She’s taken to saying “you’ve lost your window privileges.” And then “You have to earn them back.” It may be because I do it so much or a little bit to do with the weather is just turning nice enough to have the window down.

The other day she locked it for no real reason and then as we left wherever we went she unlocked it and said “go ahead enjoy it while it lasts.” I yelled something pretty much at everyone we passed. I said odd but not mean stuff.

Or for instance:

We passed by a valet parking guy (working for MVP) and I said to him: “You sir are my MVP”

Or as we came upon a dude pushing a stroller: “That is some awesome stroller pushing.”

See? Supportive gestures on my part. As we came up Little Italy there was (probably) a family outside. They were just chilling and talking and etc. The adult hugged the young girl and I called out:

“Don’t kill her!”

And the wifebot pushed the window up and said I lost all window privileges. I still say I was just doing my civic duty. Perhaps he thought it would be okay to kill her but now knows it’s wrong? You never know. Apparently this good deed is frowned upon.

Nice job reading guys!


The one with a lady intruder

March 18, 2011

St. Patrick’s Day.

Not like I need an excuse to drink but any reason to get together with friends and be around Cleveland is good enough for me. This year the 216 was beautiful. The sun was shining. The temperature was nicely in the 60’s. There was the parade. Downtown was filled with people. I was with good friends. I got fondled on the bus—

Wait what?

You read that right. We decided the best way to tackle getting to the parade was the RTA. Of course we weren’t the only ones to think of this—nor did we think we were. We boarded the first bus. It was a tight fit.

(Understatement.)

The middle doors opened and there was just one mass of arms, legs everywhere. The front was better and we at least were able to walk in without pushing people. This wouldn’t be the case with other passengers and other buses.

One stop (maybe 2?) people looking to get on included 2 people in wheelchairs. The whole front was filled. Those in the seats where the wheelchairs would need to get up. They did so with no fuss. Those of us in the front got off the bus so the driver would have room to work. As we waited we decided it might be best to catch the next bus.

And then that bus came and it was way worse. We managed to get on without pushing or hitting or making too many uncomfortable. The next stops people didn’t just pile on, they torpedoed their way on. These new riders shoved bodies every which way to get on. They of course than proceeded to complain the rest of the way that it was too packed.

We were crushed against everyone. It slowly began to get hot and stinky. Somewhere along the way a hand shot out from the crowd and fondled me. This hand didn’t just grab my chest but rubbed it before vanishing.

I won’t spend time on the parade. Just a brief list:

Floats.
Old people waving.
Old people not waving.
Kids.
Kids looking bored.
Dogs.
Bands.
Idiots in the crowd.
Drunk girl needing two people to help her walk at 4pm.
Baby getting beer spilled on it.

We did make a stop at Erie Island Coffee Co. over on East 4th. It was my first time there. I was thoroughly amused how strict they were about making sure you only used the restroom after purchasing something. I get why. I do. I don’t even have a problem with the thought (especially on a day where so many people would be out there) but still thought it was funny. They were barking it at anyone who even seemed remotely to be headed that way.

I got a chai frappe and it was delicious.

Back on the bus—this time a bit less packed. We made our way to Parnell’s Pub, because there really is nowhere else you should celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. I mean you should go there year round but they are authentic Irish. Good times as always.

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After I got a real nice buzz (bordering on nicely drunk) this happened:

I walked on over to the men’s room and opened it to find a very short haired woman wiping her hands. I said “oh” and closed the door. In my head I was thinking damn am I so drunk that I just tried to go in the ladies room? They are directly opposite from one another. As I contemplated this she opened the door.

Intruder: No you were right this is the men’s room.
Me (said with a curious ah ha tone): You’re a (came out more Youra) woman, woman.
Intruder: Yeah. I just used the men’s room—
Me: A woman!
Intruder: Oh and I kinda stopped up the toilet so I hope you don’t have to sit down.
Me: Because youra woman.

She leaves and I enter. I of course look down at the toilet before heading over to the urinal. The water was swirling closer to the edge and what was floating in there but a tampon.

Me (to the empty room in a Seinfeld voice): Woman!


The one with the ear junk

September 17, 2010

What a nice chilly Cleveland morning we have today. The gray skies and gloom is back and I won’t lie I always miss them. They comfort me. The clouds and grayness are old friends who treat me so much better than the sun. Don’t believe me?

Well non believer see exhibit a:

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Somehow I got sunburned in the oddest of ways. On each leg there was a long boomerang shaped burn and then two little clam shaped burn marks on my chest. Yeah I have no clue how it happened that way. I do blame the wifey though. That is neither here nor there though.

Speaking of the wife (I love you honey—she doesn’t actually read this) she insisted I write up this story. When I told her about it she laughed (rather loudly—like she was watching True Blood) for about a minute and a half.

A few days before we went on our Hunt for the key master tour I went for a walk as per my usual. Every day I try to go for at least an hour walk. This time was no different. The only problem was I couldn’t find my headphones. I scrounged around and finally found a new pair. I stuffed em in and went for my walk.
It was a longer than normal walk but still rather uneventful. Except that I heard this:

“As a drug addict you saying you’re “jonesing” for a turkey sandwich really offends me” — 1 worker to another as they worked on a lawn.

That was awesome and of course posted to @overheardohio. I hope you follow it!

Shamelessssssssssssss plug FTW!

Anywalk I returned home and sat down to a huge glass of water and some writing. I dropped the headphones off on the table and got down to business.

Writing you perverts! Yeah writing.

Anymasturbationjoke I got some good work in and the walk and headphones faded from my mind. My ear was very itchy. I scratched at it and something was in my ear. I gave it an itch and something plopped out. It landed on my notebook. It was a weird discolored white chunk of something.

I stared at it.
Stared some more.
And some more. I had no clue just what it was. I mean at all. It looked odd and resembled nothing.
I started to freak out just a bit. I pushed at it with my pen.
What the fuck is wrong with my ear?
Seriously?

Then I realized it was a piece of the headphones that came off in my ear. Enjoy your weekend bishes!

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The one where Egyptian stuff is cool

August 11, 2010

As I mentally prepared myself for the next lecture at Cleveland Museum of Art I have to (decided to despite being horrible at it) chronicle I realized that I never reviewed the last one. I know (I know) the uproar was crazy but fear not because here it is.

There was something different about this lecture. We got there with about 10 minutes (or so) to wait. The room was pretty filled (more than the other lectures) and people kept coming in. It was louder in there as people chatted and laughed. There were the few regulars, which I suppose include the wife and me. There was the old guy with the crazy hair, the slow question asker and the “doesn’t know how to give a compliment” guy. This time we weren’t the youngest in the crowd because there appeared to be some students and a few children. There was a buzz in the crowd—though mostly the sound of chatter you get with a bigger crowd. The bigger crowd could only mean two things.

1. Egyptian shit is cool

Or

2. Lauren is way popular.

Yes the rizza was in attendance. I believe the conversation that lead to the three of us attending went like this:

Rizza: What is the next lecture about?
Me: The Egyptian Collection in 2010: New discoveries, new perspectives.
Rizza: OMG. Putting it in my calendar now.

As we waited for it to begin I prepared for it by asking myself several important questions. Such as:

Does he/she resemble someone in a movie?
Does he/she make me think of random unrelated movie scenes?
Does he/she have an accent?
Do I look good in that picture (the lovely Alicia snapped a pic with her phone)?

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Not too bad—the wifey looks way cute.

The first obstacle to get over was the fact that he did not resemble anyone from any movies. Even worse
there were no movie scenes coming to mind. Oh well steady the ship and just follow your notes. The man giving the lecture was Lawrence M. Berman, consulting curator of Egyptian Art. He has quite the long title (That’s what she said!) He left us for Boston.

Boo! Hiss! Get out of here with your Chowdah! Just get in that Cah of yours and leave.

Oh wait he’s a curator and not a baseball, basketball or football player. Never mind then. These were all literal notes I wrote down. I think I was about to do a little drawing of a bean when he said:

“It amazes me to think” and then paused. This was written with a chuckle in my notebook with a “Yes!” next to it. Another difference between this one was he was the only speaker to drink.

And slur.
Heyooooooooo!

That’s not true he didn’t slur. Seriously though he wasn’t drunk and was very good. I’m sure it was just water in there. I for some reason did chronicle the sips he took for some reason.

He brought up his first slide (2nd sip.) I didn’t make any notes on this slide—why would I? Afterlife was in the back row of 4 objects and I’ve seen the afterlife be shown in the background of more than few pieces. Did I make a note of this? Not really instead I noted: “I wonder if the afterlife gets to 2nd base often back there.”

Then there was the Striding statue of Minnifer (1936).

The 3rd sip brought us a comment about Indiana Jones. The slide brought this note: “I love that scene when the dude does the whole flashy routine with the scimitar only to be shot by Indy.” Followed by “Indy hates snakes yo!” and no there were no snakes on the slide.

Fourth sip in.

This note is not necessarily in order of the lecture: there was also a slide of grave sites that made me note “Looks like a giant peanut butter cookie.” I’m not quite sure why. It was more of an aerial view if I remember correctly. Then he read from a diary (possibly Anne Frank’s? Not likely but I don’t really know any other famous diaries) I know I know that was horrible. It was actually the diary of the people doing the dig/archiving and what not.

Notes on this include: Boring—who writes these things? They thought they were so cool with their facts and figures and drawings. Not one person died or betrayed someone in the diary.

5th sip. He said huge, enormous, bigger, and large a lot. Ladies you know who you want to party with. They always say once you go curator…

….you get your ass educated.

What the hell?

Oh oh a Google maps joke! See Egyptian artifacts can be topical. And it’s about this point where he appears to remind me of Woody Allen. (Don’t ask)

There were relics from the Tomb of Nyankhnesut. Some slides of plowing and flute playing but not in the sexual way. (It was important to note in my notes that it was not sexually) Things really picked up with A 3300 year old tomb being rediscovered at Saqqara. It went 125 years (if I’m reading the chicken scratch I wrote correctly, because I’m too lazy to search to find out) since it’s discovery.

Vizier Mereruka, who was married to the King´s eldest daughter. In time, Mereruka became the high priest of Teti´s mortuary cult. Then in an hour long special on ESPN the tomb announced itself and will soon be playing for the Miami Heat.

Oh that joke hurts so good.

During this part he was much more excited (that’s what she said) than the other speakers. You can feel his passio—

Oh oh he said “star gate” he’s going to get sued!

That was literally how my note looked. It came (twss) in the middle of the previous sentence.

6th sip He went on to “Shipwrecked Sailor” slides. The story is of a sailor that gets shipwrecked (who would have guessed?) on an Island and is soon visited by a serpent. Basically picture Tom Hanks minus the volley ball and dancing. The serpent gets this note: Cobra Commander with a beard.

I was interested in the “Paint Box of Vizier Amenemope”

Dude was like the Chief Justice of a supreme court if he was stapled to Voltron. I believe the explanation of this was the fact that he had several “jobs” or “roles” rolled into one thing? I really dug this slide and had just recently spent time looking at in the actually gallery.

My doodle:

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Real one (from the wonderful CMA site. Visit them!):

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Colors: red (desher), green (wadj), blue (khesbedj and irtiu), and 2 blacks.

Notes in section include: Master of secrets. Overseer of city and Even Kings have paint boxes. A lot of Ooh and ohhs being murmured: See previous note about partying with curators.

Went on to some slides of Model Cheetah Skins. They were 8 ½ inches long with painted spots. Statues often wore cloaks—you know like in Mannequin? Much was discussed about Ra—the Sun God. Way back up there one was a High Priestess of Ra.

Okay let’s try to bring this home as gently as possible because the last notes go like this:

Ah in this slide 2 baboons sing Rage Against the Machine to the Sun God. This should be a story of creation. Oh it ended with about 8 sips in case you cared. The lecture was very interesting and I don’t do it just—good lord if you thought I was trying then all hope is lost!

Some notes not used:

Should conclude his lecture with a naked finger biting child or naked finger biting god/boy.
Howard Carter (finder of artifacts) related to Gary Carter? (HOF Catcher)
Made of metal—Like a smaller Decipticon.
Priest of Ra—Wu Tang Clan bitches!
Mr. Toomy—(Langolier joke needs to be thought up)

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