the one with hoochie mamas, strippers and paste

June 17, 2011

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The long awaited Top Overheard Ohio sent in May. Once again in no particular order but my favorite probably is:

“We decided to stop having sex till our wedding night to make it special but after 2 months I may pound her into paste.”–drunk guy at bar


“we’re friends and I like you, but not enough to buy you cocaine.”–Frat boy to roid ragey looking frat boy.

“The hot new secretary walked in as I was doing the ‘up my ass’ monologue from Pulp Fiction but all she heard was ‘up my ass’ & she ran out”

“Mom and tits don’t belong in the same sentence, unless it’s to say thanks for my new tits mom”- big haired chick in lobby @CleMarriottDwtn

“You remember the time we stopped in the middle of sex to go get some @Tacobell? From now on either smoke pot or drink Patrón but not both.”

“excuse me, does my daughter look like a hoochie mama? bc she is actually really intelligent” Lady in fitting room

“no we’re East Cleveland, but nobody likes us there so it’s the Heights for breakfast.” -East Cleveland police officer @ The Inn on Coventry

“Don’t hate on strippers with c section scars. Those are the ones with tight pussies.”

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the one with April’s overheard

June 3, 2011

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Then there was the time I hadn’t blogged in about a week and tried to come up with an easy post. Yep kids always try to take the easy way out. It was this in mind I whipped up the best of Overheard Ohio for May. It wasn’t long before I realized I didn’t do one for April. Hooray two easy breezy posts. So May will wait (till next week probably) while I present to you the best of April:

(In no particular order.)

“I don’t trust him he never once looked at my tits and I had some nice cleavage going on.” –woman in lobby Downtown.

“This fucking dog hasn’t got me one fucking chick.”–Guy to another guy while walking a dog.

“Guy has been accused of rape 3 times. I mean I’m not saying I’m ‘rape free,’ but damn.”

“Treat that drain like you would your woman. Get at it!”-Plumber one to plumber 2

“Hey girl you wanna come sit on this? I ain’t got a home but I be getting women off all da time.” –drunk dirty homeless looking guy

“I gave bobby a hand job at the party so he’d pee in Mike’s book-bag.” –Girl outside of the UC.

And the winner for not funny and really sad award:

“aint you get pregnant from suckin dick?” girl in sex ed class.


The one where I’m a vampire Slayer

April 8, 2011

You know what gets old?

Milk.

(I’ll pause why you regain your composure after that side splitting joke.)

(Ready?)

(That was such a bad joke that I’m going to leave it in.)

The job search is getting old. No actually that is a lie it got old a long long time ago. What gets even older and faster? Job search boards and ads can just shove it. They suck. They REALLY suck.

(Also 8 hours? Really you can only guarantee me 8 hours a week? How am I supposed to live on 8 hours worth of money a week?)

That last part isn’t necessarily part of this post, just part of the problem. I mostly was sifting through the local paper’s want ads and going to specific places websites. That worked. The jobs to apply were plentiful (just not calling me) but it felt like I could be doing more. Enter job boards. I hit them up and some of them I still do.

One of the ones I don’t though is jobs.com. I’ve had nothing but crap from them. Every other link had me running through hoops of filling out the same thing over and over. Most times it appeared to end up a bust. It end up just trying to get me to join a “job network” that never really accomplished anything and every time they called or contacted me it’d be about going back to school or training somewhere.

It was annoying.
It was disheartening.
Plus the texts—the mother bleeping texts!

Texts saying to call for an interview for jobs I didn’t apply for and more than once weren’t even in Ohio. Right before I decided to steer clear of jobs.com I got an email from an “employer” and it went like this.

Dear James
I am an employer. My company is looking to hire good people. We saw your resume and were glad you had interest in our field. Are you interested in help going back to school? We can help you do that? It will help you to be better suited for a position with the company.

(It went on but I’ll stop there.)

My response:

Dear Employer
I am a human. I was shocked to learn you were willing to help me go back to school after the last time. Did you not read about it? The events weren’t totally my fault, so I thank you for the second chance. Yes I did burn down the school gymnasium but in my defense I was battling vampires. I managed to kill of that nest of vamps but all anyone sees is the burned gym. It is a sad state.

Their response:

I don’t follow you. I’m sorry.

My response:

Such is the life of a slayer.

Yeah they’ve not responded since. Oh well. Should I put sarcastic/funny email creator on my resume?


The one on the phone

March 14, 2011

Recently someone from the Columbus Crew called me about tickets. For a couple years the wifey, Lindsay and I made our way to a bunch of matches. Last year we did not however. Many a thing got in the way—not the least was me being laid off.

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Me: Hello.

Ticket guy: Hi, James?

Me: You found me.

Ticket guy: Haha. Yeah. Hi I’m whatever the name I said was with the Columbus Crew. How are you?

Me: Delicious.

Ticket guy: Haha delicious. I like that. That’s good right?

Me: Yeah.

Ticket guy: Great. Well I’m going to make it better I hope. Our records show you didn’t make it to any Crew matches last season.

Me: Yeah last season was tough…we wanted….

Ticket guy: Yeah we understand economy got rough…but I’m here to help get you back up here—

Me: Yeah it was mostly losing my job that stopped us.

Ticket guy: Oh? That is…I’m sorry about that. Economy hit a lot of people.

Me: Yeah.

Ticket guy: Well we got a lot of deals for you James. Especially if you get season tickets.

Me: Well we’d love to make it to at least one this season but season tickets would not be possible at this time.

Ticket guy: Okay Okay. I understand. Let me get you started on some of our single game specials.

Me: Yeah we want to go to at least one but at this time I can’t make any commitments. We’ll be looking at the schedule soon…

Ticket guy: Well James we have a lot of gifts for ordering tickets now. Let’s see what it’ll take to get you to come on down. Lots of cool gifts.

Me: Is one of them a job?

Ticket guy: Oh? Uh? Haha no unfortunately. I’ll tell you what my name is again whatever name I originally said, and my number is (number here) when you know what you want I can help you. Okay?

Me: Thanks whatever his name was.

We said our goodbyes then. I couldn’t help but try and make him feel uncomfortable. I dig the people at the Crew and they’ve always been nice and helpful. When we can make a match I will call him.


The one with a glimpse

March 9, 2011

So I’ve decided to give you a glimpse into the daily jimi.

It will not be pretty.
Trust me.

Sort of like this:

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That doesn’t normally happen. It was part of the Halloween process.

Moving on…

The alarm goes off (generally) at 6:30 in the morning. It sounds like the warning alarm on army bases or spaceships in movies.

I tell the wife it’s 6:30 and it’s time to get up. Depending on the day she’ll either get up or roll over. This is when I let her sleep for another 7 minutes and the alarm blares again. I once again tell her it’s time to get up.

Now this time she actually gets up and either says she hates the world or me. Sometimes both of these things happened.

I stay in bed as gets ready. Sometimes I manage to stay awake until she leaves. On these days she gives me a kiss and we say our goodbyes. Other days I fall asleep and she probably hates me.

When DSN (Digital Sports Network—shows on the internet) was actually broadcasting I’d wake up at 9 am. On these days I’d listen to the show and troll (in the nicest and most awesomest of ways) the chat room. It was a fun creative process that I won’t explain here because nobody ever seemed to get my explanation.

It sort of results in the “oh haha” type answer.

Now that DSN is on hold I wake up between 9:15-9:30.
(Go on hate me if you want.)

It usually involves me waking up with my ass straight up in the air and my face smushed against the pillow. There are almost always big red sleep marks on my face. If you’re thinking of a “gay sex dream” joke save em the wifey has plowed that field already.

WAIT what?

I meant the jokes not actually you know her rogering me in the bum.
Uhm moving on…

So I wake up and of course before anything put water on to boil.

Gots to get my coffee on.

Then I sit down and check my email. Now this is a process sort of done with one eye shut. I open it hoping to not see some form rejection letters. These days they are piling up from publications and possible employers.
It’s at this point (or possibly earlier) that Carissa has hit me up on gchat with WAKE UP or some other witty way of saying that.

(ClevelandPoet@gmail.com if you too wish to tell me to wake up or you know chat.)

I try to scribble some notes or decide what will be worked on (writing wise) that day. When the coffee is ready I try and sit down and tackle my google reader. Some of you are probably on it and I will tell you know when I click it and there are already like 15 of you with posts I curse you. These days I can barely do 2 in a row and you all make me look bad.

Part of the problem is mine are so story based on what is happening and what I’ve done. Since losing my job those stories have tapered off because honestly I don’t do anything now.

AnyFeelingSorryForMyself after reading and sipping on my coffee the job search usually begins. This is where the day usually goes to shit. I had been trying to tackle some writing first. I learned early on the job search/application process really drains me. It ruins the writing on most days. I’d do a couple hours of writing and then the job search.

As it dragged on and I freaked out more I switched it around. It really has destroyed any thorough writing. I was worried though—still am. So I search first and for longer than I actually write during the day sometimes.

This pains me but yet it happens continually.

Did I mention since the chaos of protest began in the Middle East I do all this while watching/listening to Aljazeera English?

Well I do. I’m enthralled by it. I can’t stop. It inspires me and has led to more writing than I’ve been use to as of late. Also it’s led to some fucked up violent dreams. I mean like hours and hours of the coverage would be playing on my computer as I went about my day.

Around 2pm I’d remember that I hadn’t eaten all day and scrounge up some food.

Sometimes (more lately) I’ll search for a bad movie to watch. Recently: Killer Barbys vs. Dracula, Zombie Honeymoon and Lure: Teen Fight Club and (painfully) Zombie Bloodbath

Why?

Because at the B Movie Brigade we watch it so you don’t have to. Zombie Bloodbath is up and the others will be soon.

(Cheap plug)
Also what happens!

I suffer through these bad movies and take detailed notes. These notes have a very detailed key to make sense of them. If you were to look at the notebook it’d be gibberish.

(What else is new?)

Sometimes after some more writing I take a nap. I did this a couple time while listening to Aljazeera English and that was bad idea. We can substitute a nap with going for a walk. This was always a highlight—until winter really hit. I still try to go for at least a short walk during the day.

Then yoga.
Sometimes naked.
The wife likes that for some reason.

She’s never here for it is probably why. At 5 the day swings into more of a sports watching mode with some work on writing thrown in. There was a point or at least a joke I wanted to have thrown in here at the end. The only problem is it has slipped my mind

Jokes on you I guess.


Post it Note Tuesday Vol. 6

January 26, 2010

So I skipped Post it note Tuesday (oh man I think I may need to refer to it as PINT from here on out!) Yeah I skipped it because I wrote about a gajillion of them the day before and then lost the sheet of paper I wrote them on. Okay it was really just like 5 of them but they were good. I think. Anypint I didn’t want to rush like 6 day of so I did a little skipola. All that being said it’s time once again. Here I go again on my own. Walking down the only road I’ve ever known. Like a drifter I was born to walk alone……what? Yeah I did just break out a White Snake reference for no real reason at all. I mean seriously it had nothing to do with the PINTS. Just read em if ya like.
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Conversations with Jimi Volume the third

December 14, 2009

So to start off we’re going to delve into my work situation for a second. This recently happened and I suppose serves as a reminder of just how much I’m valued at work. I needed a new Emo teen with slashes up their arm cutter for work. So I ask someone who use to get them for me. He tells me he can’t but if I ask the store manager he’ll get me one of the fancy ones. So I bring myself to ask and after he looks at me and repeats “a cutter” he goes off to get one. Now he opens the desk and there is a fancy one (which he pushes aside) and scrounges till he finds a cheap looking old one that when I try to use really does not open without more effort than should be needed. A sign of how respected I am? Who knows but to bolster my confidence a trip down to Conversations with jimi RD and amused with myself BLVD. Enjoy.

(Commercial for Rihanna comes on.)

Me: You think the reason she has so much makeup on is because she’s….
Wife: You are so wrong.
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(Watching ‘Live Free or Die Hard’ and Bruce Willis’ character Turns Creedence Clearwater Revival up on the car radio. The guy who plays the Mac (In the PC vs. Mac commercials) doesn’t like this.)

Me: Who isn’t down with the Creed?
The Wife: I know right.
Me: Although really they aren’t that great.
The Wife: What are you talking about Creedence Clearwater is awesome.
Me: No. Now I’ll give you they’re good. I’ll give you they’re classic. I will not however give you awesome.
The Wife: Oh they’re awesome. You have to say they are its CCR.
Me (Possibly grinding in her direction): I got your CCR right here! A bad moon rising for ya!
The Wife: Oh James.
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(The wife is making elaborate pushing noises from the bathroom.)

Me: The kids need a push into the pool?
The Wife: No I was doing the noises for your benefit.
Me: Now that’s love.

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Me (To Rasputin our cat): Don’t look at me like that, I can talk to her. She may be a handful but we still love her.
Wifey: Are you referring to me? (She had just spurned his affection)
Me: (To the wife) No, no. I was talking about Csonka (our other kitty) not you. (To Rasputin) I was talking about her. Shhh.
(Then I made him fist bump me.)
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(After reaching for some tissue paper and not finding it.)

Me: You took my tissue.
Wife: Oh yeah sorry.
Me: Now I’ll have to blow my nose on Rasputin.
Wife: Don’t blow your nose on the cat. I’ll get you more.
Me: Oh
(Rasputin runs from my lap.)
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(Wife calls me from work)

The Wife: We should get something inscribed on our rings.
Me: Like what?
The Wife: Do or Die.
Me: Oh Oh I know live or die man?
The Wife: Uhm no.
Me: Oh I got I got it! Sweep the leg!
The Wife: Uhm…
Me: You know from The Karate Kid.
The Wife: I know where it’s from…
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(Text conversation)

Wifey: Hey I’m getting Return of The Jedi from Linzi so we can watch it tonight.
Me: Are you sexting me?
Wifey: Yes.
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(I get into the car.)

Me: So I have this idea for a roleplay.
Wifey: Okay.
Me: Want to hear it?
Wifey: Sure.
Me: Okay so it’s Star Wars themed.
Wifey: Of course it is.
Me: Not the typical one. No gold bikini though same movie and involves Princess Leia. Okay so it’d be like when they’re on Endor. Okay? You’re wearing like a camouflaged poncho thing. You’ve just crashed your speeder, out cold. I’ll come up like wicket; I’m short and got enough hair to reasonably pull it off. I’ll poke at you and be afraid of you, you’ll offer me the food and then some loving.
Wifey: Uhm….you are so weird.
Me: What?
Wifey: And you certainly could pull off the ewok—
Me: Yeah I said the hairy part already!


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