The one with Cleveland CULTure

June 7, 2011

I fully intended to start this post with a short little poem—one that would be purposefully bad—and my own vague tribute to Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. There is a scene in which Will Scarlett (Christian Slater) calls out a rhyme to Robin Hood.

Will Scarlett: There was a rich man from Nottingham/ who tried to cross a river/ what a dope/ he tripped on a rope/ now look at him shiver.

My intention was to write a short poem similar to what is above. It would explain the mistake I made about a submission deadline. It was bad (and slightly amusing) but I just could not bring myself to put it up here. I couldn’t take the chance someone (and there are always a few) who would think it was an honest attempt. They’d come away from here thinking I’m a bad poet.

(Shut up.)

So scratch that. No bad poem for you all. To forget about the big blunder I’ll post about Sleepaway Camp If you haven’t seen it you really should. It is an awesome piece of 80’s slasher goodness. It was made in 1983 (the slasher boom period) and is considered a cult classic. It is written, directed and produced by Robert Hiltzik—who basically has the only surviving reel. The film is the typical slasher flick about teen campers getting killed at a summer camp.

(The ending however is often listed as one of the most shocking.)

Last Saturday night I had the pleasure of seeing this movie on the big screen. I’ve seen it many times but never in a theatre (as I was 5 when it first came out.) Big props to Cleveland Cinemas Late Shift and Dave for the big (and hard) get.

(Also that’s what she said!)

It was awesome seeing it on the big screen and with so many people who had never experienced it in any form. If you’re near Cleveland you should check out the Late Shift movie series sometime. The movies are bad, awesome, sometimes awesomely bad, cheesy, fan favorites and cult classics of all kinds.

The late shift is held twice a month. The Cedar Lee Theatre hosts it the first Saturday of every month with shows 9:30 and midnight. On the third Saturday of the month it switches over to the Capitol Theatre with a midnight showing.

Then you throw in the Melt Bar and Grilled sponorship and it gets even better. How? Melt often has a movie themed sandwich for the weekend of the showing. For instance The Camp Melt Bloody Smores Sandwich:

Graham cracker, homemade creamy marshmellow, Hershey’s milk chocolate,mixed berry preserves, sweet cream cheese, dusted with cocoa powder, powdered sugar and add homemade peanut butter!

The cost is 5 bucks and the movies are always fun. They give away goofy prizes (related to the movies) and there’s always a way to get some free popcorn (again related to the movies).

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The next movie is Wet Hot American Summer on June 18th at the Capitol Theatre.

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The one with a glimpse

March 9, 2011

So I’ve decided to give you a glimpse into the daily jimi.

It will not be pretty.
Trust me.

Sort of like this:

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That doesn’t normally happen. It was part of the Halloween process.

Moving on…

The alarm goes off (generally) at 6:30 in the morning. It sounds like the warning alarm on army bases or spaceships in movies.

I tell the wife it’s 6:30 and it’s time to get up. Depending on the day she’ll either get up or roll over. This is when I let her sleep for another 7 minutes and the alarm blares again. I once again tell her it’s time to get up.

Now this time she actually gets up and either says she hates the world or me. Sometimes both of these things happened.

I stay in bed as gets ready. Sometimes I manage to stay awake until she leaves. On these days she gives me a kiss and we say our goodbyes. Other days I fall asleep and she probably hates me.

When DSN (Digital Sports Network—shows on the internet) was actually broadcasting I’d wake up at 9 am. On these days I’d listen to the show and troll (in the nicest and most awesomest of ways) the chat room. It was a fun creative process that I won’t explain here because nobody ever seemed to get my explanation.

It sort of results in the “oh haha” type answer.

Now that DSN is on hold I wake up between 9:15-9:30.
(Go on hate me if you want.)

It usually involves me waking up with my ass straight up in the air and my face smushed against the pillow. There are almost always big red sleep marks on my face. If you’re thinking of a “gay sex dream” joke save em the wifey has plowed that field already.

WAIT what?

I meant the jokes not actually you know her rogering me in the bum.
Uhm moving on…

So I wake up and of course before anything put water on to boil.

Gots to get my coffee on.

Then I sit down and check my email. Now this is a process sort of done with one eye shut. I open it hoping to not see some form rejection letters. These days they are piling up from publications and possible employers.
It’s at this point (or possibly earlier) that Carissa has hit me up on gchat with WAKE UP or some other witty way of saying that.

(ClevelandPoet@gmail.com if you too wish to tell me to wake up or you know chat.)

I try to scribble some notes or decide what will be worked on (writing wise) that day. When the coffee is ready I try and sit down and tackle my google reader. Some of you are probably on it and I will tell you know when I click it and there are already like 15 of you with posts I curse you. These days I can barely do 2 in a row and you all make me look bad.

Part of the problem is mine are so story based on what is happening and what I’ve done. Since losing my job those stories have tapered off because honestly I don’t do anything now.

AnyFeelingSorryForMyself after reading and sipping on my coffee the job search usually begins. This is where the day usually goes to shit. I had been trying to tackle some writing first. I learned early on the job search/application process really drains me. It ruins the writing on most days. I’d do a couple hours of writing and then the job search.

As it dragged on and I freaked out more I switched it around. It really has destroyed any thorough writing. I was worried though—still am. So I search first and for longer than I actually write during the day sometimes.

This pains me but yet it happens continually.

Did I mention since the chaos of protest began in the Middle East I do all this while watching/listening to Aljazeera English?

Well I do. I’m enthralled by it. I can’t stop. It inspires me and has led to more writing than I’ve been use to as of late. Also it’s led to some fucked up violent dreams. I mean like hours and hours of the coverage would be playing on my computer as I went about my day.

Around 2pm I’d remember that I hadn’t eaten all day and scrounge up some food.

Sometimes (more lately) I’ll search for a bad movie to watch. Recently: Killer Barbys vs. Dracula, Zombie Honeymoon and Lure: Teen Fight Club and (painfully) Zombie Bloodbath

Why?

Because at the B Movie Brigade we watch it so you don’t have to. Zombie Bloodbath is up and the others will be soon.

(Cheap plug)
Also what happens!

I suffer through these bad movies and take detailed notes. These notes have a very detailed key to make sense of them. If you were to look at the notebook it’d be gibberish.

(What else is new?)

Sometimes after some more writing I take a nap. I did this a couple time while listening to Aljazeera English and that was bad idea. We can substitute a nap with going for a walk. This was always a highlight—until winter really hit. I still try to go for at least a short walk during the day.

Then yoga.
Sometimes naked.
The wife likes that for some reason.

She’s never here for it is probably why. At 5 the day swings into more of a sports watching mode with some work on writing thrown in. There was a point or at least a joke I wanted to have thrown in here at the end. The only problem is it has slipped my mind

Jokes on you I guess.


the one where we cram it all in

July 20, 2010

Thats what she said!

There are a lot of bloggers out there that post a weekly recap of their weekend. It usually involves going to a lot of cool places with their friends. I am not one of them. Mostly because you know I like to make shit up.

That and I don’t really go out partying it up on the town. We do a lot of stuff. We like to celebrate the things to do in Cleveland and there are a ton of things. There are slow days for us and then there are times where we go to a play, dinner, a concert and a movie in one day. If need be we just cram it all in.

That’s what she said.

This weekend was one of those times. Friday there was what the kids are calling these days a “tweetup”. It was called the east-side tweetup and was held at the Willoughby Brewing Company. We were invited and you know went and stuff.

Oh was that not good enough? See I’m bad at this. The Three Shillelaghs headed over to Willoughby Brewing Company. Hilarity sort of ensued. I was still sort of limping. The pain in my heel had mostly subsided by then. We parked and then started walking toward the restaurant. We didn’t even get across the street when the wifey’s (kat clearly) flip flop broke. The back part just fell right off. Just as she walked it fell off and as she marveled about it and tried to walk on the rest of the shoe died. We walked on discovered it was further than we thought went back and got the car. Drove to it found there was absolutely nowhere to park and ended up parking right by where we originally did. She had to basically walk with the shoe in her hand the whole way and then fake like it was on to get inside.

The night was cool and met some new peeps which always a good thing. I wasn’t that impressed with the menu (though did not have anything) and the apps were expensive. The jack and ginger was tall and that good. The waitress was pretty awesome even if she got sort of busy and there were a few times I sat there like this:

‘more jack daniels please”

But you know more desperate sounding. All in all a good time was had. After we left we stopped and got us some Chick-fil-A. Yum.

Saturday was such a full day that the wifey made an itinerary. I never actually saw it but I’ve heard it did exsist. The Three Shillelaghs packed the car and headed on down to Akron for the:
National Hamburger Festival

Yay.
It was so hot.
(how hot was it)

It was so hot that on the way there a minivan caught on fire. Okay so that probably isn’t true. A minivan was on fire on the opposite way as we drove to Akron though. It was hot as all get out while at the festival that consisted of a bunch of places to get hamburgers for a 2 block radius. I was sort of disappointed by it. I mean it was cool and all but it lacked stuff. The only merch were shirts and Jughead comic books. A vast majority of the events seemed to be taking place at night and we’d have to be gone way before then to keep our schedule. I was going to attempt to be in the bobbing for burgers contest but oh well.

There was this:

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That’s right there was a Barney Fife look alike walking around the festival. How awesome is that? Also as we approached he yelled out:

“I’m Barney Fife bitches! What mofo wanna take a picture with me?”

Ok not really but I almost asked him if he would. Later he threatened to arrest us if we tried to sneak back in. The burgers were tasty and the one we got was from Steel Trolley Diner. Their banner said get your burger branded. I ordered the Marley Burger: A ½ pound burger topped with Jamaican jerk sauce and Orange chipotle mayo. It was tasty and they indeed did “brand” your burger. Unfortunate (or hilarious) they have std as their initials.

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Yes my burger said STD on it and I still ate it.

We left there and went home to nap for a little bit. Then we hit up the Cleveland Cinematheque for Animal Crackers. After some Marx Brothers brilliance we ate some Aladdin’s and then hit up Parnell’s Pub for some x-mas in July. It was for Thirsty Dog’s 12 dogs of Christmas Ale. Tasty! Then I had one tall Jack and Ginger. From there we headed over to the Capitol Theatre to see the late shift showing of Memento. It had been a while since I’d seen it and I really looked forward to it. On the way there the wife tried to destroy the happiness that is the Marx Bros. by saying they were probably very unhappy. This discussion went up until the movie started and included several other people getting involved. Then I won tickets to see the late shift showing of Pulp Fiction.

Sunday was a more relaxed. The wifey headed over to her mom’s house to do laundry and thesis work. I stayed home wrote some and watched soccer for a bit. Then I watched George A. Romero’s Diary of the Dead. It was decent. I was preparing for Monday’s viewing of Survival of the Dead. Later that night we went to a new Indian Restaurant called Indian Flame. It was delish. A review with pictures will be written soon as we go a second time.

Monday we went to breakfast and then picked up Lindsay. We headed over to the zoo to enjoy free day. It was pretty sweet even if it was packed and my heel was hurting again.
The wife and I on the Australian adventure train:

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It was fun but got weird when the driver said:
‘Oh my mate lookit the kangaroo ova there. Ain’t she a beaut? Why I’d like to stick me little dingaroo in her pouch. Boomerang bitches”

All that but you know with an Australian accent or you know probably not at all.

We encountered a lady wearing leggings that looked like jeans as jeans. It was not pretty and I wasn’t fast enough to snap a picture. Later on the wife and Lindsay marveled at the Rhino’s dong.
After that we went home for some resting and lunch. I almost set the apartment on fire. I forgot the package my Sammy was in had metal like shit inside and yeah it started to burn in the microwave. After a nap that did nothing for us we headed out to see Survival of the Dead which was pretty good.

Damn I’m tired.

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Post it Note Tuesday Vol. 6

January 26, 2010

So I skipped Post it note Tuesday (oh man I think I may need to refer to it as PINT from here on out!) Yeah I skipped it because I wrote about a gajillion of them the day before and then lost the sheet of paper I wrote them on. Okay it was really just like 5 of them but they were good. I think. Anypint I didn’t want to rush like 6 day of so I did a little skipola. All that being said it’s time once again. Here I go again on my own. Walking down the only road I’ve ever known. Like a drifter I was born to walk alone……what? Yeah I did just break out a White Snake reference for no real reason at all. I mean seriously it had nothing to do with the PINTS. Just read em if ya like.
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Post it notes Tuesday Part 2

December 22, 2009

Okay here we go bitches it’s another Post it note Tuesday! Remember to go check out the other great post it notes over at supah’s blog.

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B Movie review: The Pumpkin Karver

November 16, 2009

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The Pumpkin Karver (2006)

Directed by Robert Mann
Writing credits Robert Mann Sheldon Silverstein

Amy Weber …. Lynn Starks
Michael Zara …. Jonathan Starks
Minka Kelly …. Tammy
Terrence Evans …. Ben Wickets
Misty Adams …. Yolanda
Briana Gerber …. Vicki
Charity Shea …. Rachel

Further proof Showtime can be a real go to when it comes to bad movies. This week’s showing: The Pumpkin Karver. Yeah that’s right with a K! Now at some point this plot could have been interesting but confusion and boredom win out with this movie. I enjoy B movies as much as more than most. I watch them religiously. I give them the benefit of the doubt when it comes to judging them. They can be bad but they need to be entertaining. That being said The Pumpkin Karver whiffs in every attempt that it makes. I had hopes for it because man the killer has a mask made of a rotting pumpkin and carves smiles into his victim’s faces. Anyhoo Let’s sit down and dig into this rotted pumpkin.There may be some spoilers in here:

Halloween night, Jonathan (who starts the movie off creeper than the killer) sits at the kitchen table carving a pumpkin. As he obsessively does this we meet his older sister and her caricature moron boyfriend. He tries to sex up the sister and then when she leaves (to get in costume) he takes the time to hassle her brother.

Spoiler Alert!
When you think back to this opening scene with him later on, it becomes harder and harder to believe that his “evil” spirit could possibly be behind the killings to come.
End Spoiler Alert!

Big sis then gets paid a visit by a pumpkin-masked, knife-wielding maniac, who she believes is her idiot boyfriend until he attacks her.

Spoiler Alert!
Jonathan rushes in and bludgeons the masked psycho to death with his carving knife only for it to be revealed to be her boyfriend. It was all just a Halloween prank gone wrong.
End Spoiler Alert!

Jump forward a year and we find Jonathan and sis living in a new town. The town name you ask why it its none other than Carver. Yeah Carver is a town that apparently specializes in growing/carving pumpkins into Jack-o-Lanterns. Yeah you read that right.

Spoiler Alert!
That makes total sense for a mom (we never meet) to move a son who killed his sisters boyfriend in a pumpkin mask with a fricking pumpkin carving knife to a town named carver. Did I mention he has to take pills to control the visions of said pumpkin masked guy?
End Spoiler Alert!

It’s Halloween time again. Jonathan’s sister has semi set him up with a local chick. Her ex boyfriend (a big oafish looking guy) is not happy about this. He doesn’t think they’re broken up and also seems to think physically assaulting one’s her and her friends is a good plan to win her back. This movie may be about how horrible Boyfriends are as they come across as real ass clowns in it. We’re also introduced to a variety of other potential young friends for Jonathan, and one would guess for the killer to kill off. Not so fast my friend. Many of these poorly written/acted characters will get way too much screen time for people that never get killed. Hell these cutout “youths” are rarely in any danger. From there, characters go to an outdoor Halloween concert, characters sit around playing party games, and characters wander around and talk to one another. It is here we get the creepy old guy to warn everyone. He never really warns anyone though. We do find out that he is an old pumpkin carving guy. He just keeps showing up to rant and raves like a psychopath. He almost becomes a red herring but the movie maker’s efforts with him really become too heavy handed. Jonathan it seems keeps having visions of the pumpkin-masked creep-o attacking him, and in a shocking move said pumpkin-masked killer actually bothers to kill somebody. He is a very lazy killer.

The Pumpkin Karver tries to be successful as the typical B movie slasher flick, but it simply doesn’t make the cut. It has most of the formula down pat. You know teens having a late night Halloween party in a remote area, a killer shows up. A few scares Yadda, yadda yadda lots of gore. The problem was the movie lacked in both the quality scares and gore. The scares were virtually non -existent. I mean they couldn’t have gone with the old standby of character hears noise-character investigates noise and after tense seconds a cat meows? Have these people even seen a horror movie-ever? The movies kills were pretty weak as a whole. The plot becomes nothing more than look kiddies its Halloween and someone is killing people. The problem with that is the killer really doesn’t even make an appearance or a kill for nearly the first hour. Further that with the “victims” not there are many don’t even realize what is happening till there is about 20 minutes left. The movie did kill off a character that you wouldn’t normally expect to be killed off, but that is not enough to save the movie. The carving smiles into the faces of those he kills thing—turns out really only to happen to the first and last victim. I will give props for the fact that they were pretty cool when actually done. In reality this slasher flick is nothing more than a story based around a bunch of stock characters (who offer us nothing in terms of kills and thrills) that seems to be more of a way to waste time until the highly confusing/implausible coup de grace. Again have any of those associated with the making of this movie ever seen an actual slasher flick? Cool mask and all Pumpkin-masked killer dude is not even in the same sport let alone league of Michael Myers or Jason. Overall production isn’t too horrible though there are some fun slip ups to catch.

Gore factor: 0
Writing: 1
Scares: 0
Watchability: 1

Half a Lugosi out of 5!

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