August’s Top 5 Overheard Ohio

September 1, 2011

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Ah August my birthday month. This month we heard thoughts on art, baby daddies, Amish laundry and being sick at work. Be sure to head over to @overheardOhio on twitter to read the rest of the funny, weird and scary things Ohioans said in August. Here we go with the top five:

“I understand. I got two baby daddies and it ain’t made me fall in love with either one.” -Lady on the phone holding a kid.

(Outside gelato/pastry shop.)
Dad “I don’t drink much beer any more” Kid “Only when u hit mommy.” Dad “No ice cream for u”

Guy A: “Nice Affliction shirt.” Guy B: “Fuck you this is Ed Hardy.” –2 guys in a bar on West 6th.

“Don’t you honk at me AHOLE! What you think cause I’m in a suit and tie I won’t punch you in the mouth?” -suit/tie guy walking down Mayfield

And my favorite for the month of August:

“My last boyfriend broke up with me in an email and stated ‘I can’t be with a girl who hates The Grape Ape’ as why he was dumping me.”

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The one tinged with violence

May 25, 2011

I’ve been known (from time to time) to actually get my shit together long enough to submit to places. The act of putting my stuff out there at one point was one of my strengths. Sometimes now it feels like a real chore. I’ve been on a real submission kick lately and well I’ve received some weirder rejection letters as of late.

So join me in a shot (my ritual of taking a shot and then moving on) and enjoy this one:

Dear James

Many thanks for the opportunity to consider your submission. Regretfully we must pass on the poems at this time. At ******** we try our best to return submissions with as much feedback as possible. Our editors were impressed with the raw beauty of your images. The energy throughout your poetry is evident; unfortunately we felt they were not right for us at this time. The poems which you submitted while beautiful at times were simply too tinged with violence. Nevertheless, again we thank you for considering us and send best wishes for you and your writing.

Yours sincerely,

******* **********

Now I won’t post the poems here (because too many these days count that as “publishing” them and won’t except em) but if you’d like to read them you can ask me.

Just be warned they’re crazy violent.

(and if you don’t like em I’ll KILL you.)
(Just playing.)
(Maybe.)

Thank you for reading and I send my best wishes for you and your other reading. For your benefit I leave you with this awesome and hilarious video about dealing with rejection:


The one where I’m a vampire Slayer

April 8, 2011

You know what gets old?

Milk.

(I’ll pause why you regain your composure after that side splitting joke.)

(Ready?)

(That was such a bad joke that I’m going to leave it in.)

The job search is getting old. No actually that is a lie it got old a long long time ago. What gets even older and faster? Job search boards and ads can just shove it. They suck. They REALLY suck.

(Also 8 hours? Really you can only guarantee me 8 hours a week? How am I supposed to live on 8 hours worth of money a week?)

That last part isn’t necessarily part of this post, just part of the problem. I mostly was sifting through the local paper’s want ads and going to specific places websites. That worked. The jobs to apply were plentiful (just not calling me) but it felt like I could be doing more. Enter job boards. I hit them up and some of them I still do.

One of the ones I don’t though is jobs.com. I’ve had nothing but crap from them. Every other link had me running through hoops of filling out the same thing over and over. Most times it appeared to end up a bust. It end up just trying to get me to join a “job network” that never really accomplished anything and every time they called or contacted me it’d be about going back to school or training somewhere.

It was annoying.
It was disheartening.
Plus the texts—the mother bleeping texts!

Texts saying to call for an interview for jobs I didn’t apply for and more than once weren’t even in Ohio. Right before I decided to steer clear of jobs.com I got an email from an “employer” and it went like this.

Dear James
I am an employer. My company is looking to hire good people. We saw your resume and were glad you had interest in our field. Are you interested in help going back to school? We can help you do that? It will help you to be better suited for a position with the company.

(It went on but I’ll stop there.)

My response:

Dear Employer
I am a human. I was shocked to learn you were willing to help me go back to school after the last time. Did you not read about it? The events weren’t totally my fault, so I thank you for the second chance. Yes I did burn down the school gymnasium but in my defense I was battling vampires. I managed to kill of that nest of vamps but all anyone sees is the burned gym. It is a sad state.

Their response:

I don’t follow you. I’m sorry.

My response:

Such is the life of a slayer.

Yeah they’ve not responded since. Oh well. Should I put sarcastic/funny email creator on my resume?


The one with a glimpse

March 9, 2011

So I’ve decided to give you a glimpse into the daily jimi.

It will not be pretty.
Trust me.

Sort of like this:

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That doesn’t normally happen. It was part of the Halloween process.

Moving on…

The alarm goes off (generally) at 6:30 in the morning. It sounds like the warning alarm on army bases or spaceships in movies.

I tell the wife it’s 6:30 and it’s time to get up. Depending on the day she’ll either get up or roll over. This is when I let her sleep for another 7 minutes and the alarm blares again. I once again tell her it’s time to get up.

Now this time she actually gets up and either says she hates the world or me. Sometimes both of these things happened.

I stay in bed as gets ready. Sometimes I manage to stay awake until she leaves. On these days she gives me a kiss and we say our goodbyes. Other days I fall asleep and she probably hates me.

When DSN (Digital Sports Network—shows on the internet) was actually broadcasting I’d wake up at 9 am. On these days I’d listen to the show and troll (in the nicest and most awesomest of ways) the chat room. It was a fun creative process that I won’t explain here because nobody ever seemed to get my explanation.

It sort of results in the “oh haha” type answer.

Now that DSN is on hold I wake up between 9:15-9:30.
(Go on hate me if you want.)

It usually involves me waking up with my ass straight up in the air and my face smushed against the pillow. There are almost always big red sleep marks on my face. If you’re thinking of a “gay sex dream” joke save em the wifey has plowed that field already.

WAIT what?

I meant the jokes not actually you know her rogering me in the bum.
Uhm moving on…

So I wake up and of course before anything put water on to boil.

Gots to get my coffee on.

Then I sit down and check my email. Now this is a process sort of done with one eye shut. I open it hoping to not see some form rejection letters. These days they are piling up from publications and possible employers.
It’s at this point (or possibly earlier) that Carissa has hit me up on gchat with WAKE UP or some other witty way of saying that.

(ClevelandPoet@gmail.com if you too wish to tell me to wake up or you know chat.)

I try to scribble some notes or decide what will be worked on (writing wise) that day. When the coffee is ready I try and sit down and tackle my google reader. Some of you are probably on it and I will tell you know when I click it and there are already like 15 of you with posts I curse you. These days I can barely do 2 in a row and you all make me look bad.

Part of the problem is mine are so story based on what is happening and what I’ve done. Since losing my job those stories have tapered off because honestly I don’t do anything now.

AnyFeelingSorryForMyself after reading and sipping on my coffee the job search usually begins. This is where the day usually goes to shit. I had been trying to tackle some writing first. I learned early on the job search/application process really drains me. It ruins the writing on most days. I’d do a couple hours of writing and then the job search.

As it dragged on and I freaked out more I switched it around. It really has destroyed any thorough writing. I was worried though—still am. So I search first and for longer than I actually write during the day sometimes.

This pains me but yet it happens continually.

Did I mention since the chaos of protest began in the Middle East I do all this while watching/listening to Aljazeera English?

Well I do. I’m enthralled by it. I can’t stop. It inspires me and has led to more writing than I’ve been use to as of late. Also it’s led to some fucked up violent dreams. I mean like hours and hours of the coverage would be playing on my computer as I went about my day.

Around 2pm I’d remember that I hadn’t eaten all day and scrounge up some food.

Sometimes (more lately) I’ll search for a bad movie to watch. Recently: Killer Barbys vs. Dracula, Zombie Honeymoon and Lure: Teen Fight Club and (painfully) Zombie Bloodbath

Why?

Because at the B Movie Brigade we watch it so you don’t have to. Zombie Bloodbath is up and the others will be soon.

(Cheap plug)
Also what happens!

I suffer through these bad movies and take detailed notes. These notes have a very detailed key to make sense of them. If you were to look at the notebook it’d be gibberish.

(What else is new?)

Sometimes after some more writing I take a nap. I did this a couple time while listening to Aljazeera English and that was bad idea. We can substitute a nap with going for a walk. This was always a highlight—until winter really hit. I still try to go for at least a short walk during the day.

Then yoga.
Sometimes naked.
The wife likes that for some reason.

She’s never here for it is probably why. At 5 the day swings into more of a sports watching mode with some work on writing thrown in. There was a point or at least a joke I wanted to have thrown in here at the end. The only problem is it has slipped my mind

Jokes on you I guess.


The one where I sell Land Sharks

August 27, 2010

So today I was going to discuss some stuff that was depressing/stressing me, but you don’t want that gloom on your friday do you?

Oh as long as it’s my suffering you are on board?

(Jerks.)

Anybadstart I was going to until something faboo occured. A friend from high school chatted me up on aim. I know who uses aim anymore?

Oh wait I do. God you guys are mean.

(cyber bullying is wrong!)

She immed me and well she has always been slightly awkward to talk with. Well from the get go I pretty much decided I’d get some stress relief out of this convo. So I present to you one of the reasons it probably sucks to know/interact with me in any way.

Friend from school: HI.
Me: Oh my god your caps just broke my eyes!
F: What??
Me: I’m sorry I can’t see what you said because my eyes are broken now. Press 2.
F: Why?
Me: I see you didn’t press 2. I still can’t see though.
F: Why can’t you be serious?
Me: Because I was born a preemie.
F: You were? I didn’t know that.
Me: Oh I sent a memo out from the incubator, check your spam folder.
F: Liar.
Me: Burnt orange crayon.
F: What the heck?
Me: You called me a name so I called you a name.
F: Oh. How have you been?
Me: Still trying to get over the trauma of being a preemie.
F: lol. Sorry.
Me: Sorry doesn’t bring back my lost buddies. I saw em die man.
F: Anyway, I’m finishing up school…
Me: You don’t know you weren’t there.
F: Okay….what about school?
Me: They don’t let preemies in schools.
F: I have on semester left and then I dunno what I do.
Me: You stop going.
F: No. One more semester.
Me: No after you finish you stop going.
F: Yeah and find my job.
Me: Check in the last pair of pants you wore.
F: For?
Me: For your lost job?
F: I didn’t lose it.
Me: I can’t deal with your propaganda.
F: What?
Me: Nothing….
F: What is your job?
Me: Don’t spy on me.
F: What?
Me: You say that a lot.
F: You say weird things.
Me: You say things like a burnt orange crayon.
F: I don’t know what that means.
Me: Preemie slang.
F: Oh.
F: What is your job?
Me: Land Shark.
F: I don’t know what that is….
Me: I sell em.
F: What?
Me: Land Sharks. Door to door.
F: I don’t get it.
Me: No money no sharkie.
F: But what is it?
Me: Of the land variety. You see that Saturday night sketch with the guy in a shark suit?
F: Yeah I think…
Me: Well I sell people guys in sharks suits to go around and you know say “Land Shark”
F: Why?
Me: My preemie officer says I need money.
F: Who?
Me: Top men.
F: o….
Me: *ding dong* “Land shark here”
F: Okay…
Me: No you don’t answer the door he’ll eat you.
F: Who?
Me: Whoever the hell you paid me to give you in a land shark.
F: Oh…they come to the door?
Me: well it won’t work if they don’t. Then you wait till they say “united way collecting money for the needy” or you know some such thing and you open the door.
F: What do they give me?
Me: They eat you.
F: Funny.
Me: I think you lied about seeing it. Pay me for the Land shark now.
F: Maybe I didn’t
Me: No shark if you don’t hand over the bark.
F: What?
Me: “Land shark”
F: Phone…
Me: That’s not my name!
F: On phone.
F: BRB.
Me: My eyeeeeeeeeees. They shattered again!

I hope you enjoy your Friday and weekend bishes!

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The one where I should cut n paste

August 23, 2010

Before I fully get started a bit of business. I want you to head on over to the B Movie Brigade to check out the latest Monday’s Maniac by yours truly. Follow the brigade on twitter @bmoviebrigade!

With that done shall we recap one another?

Don’t worry I’ve been tested.

Well Friday you can read about it in this post from Saturday. It’s quite a fun post.

(I can’t actually back that statement up)

Saturday like most of the previous ones included a whole lot of sitting down and doing nothing. The wifey dropped the car off to have it checked out for the 3 shillelaghs big roadie to Key West. This caused some great concern and some anxious moments. News came back of what needed to be taken care of and now we wait to see how much it is.

Ah waiting is so fun isn’t it?

Anyhatewaiting I watched some nice soccer yet again. I really should just start cutting and pasting these things.

Can you say phone it in!

After the EPL match I managed to get some writing in. The MIL (I need to give her a nickname because MIL makes me want to type MILF and well I won’t be going there) wanted to take me to dinner as a late b-day dinner. We headed over to the Aladdin’s for some grub. Sticking to (and getting back on track with) the diet I had a Shish Kabob salad. I ordered it with the Tahini Yogurt Dressing (like always) but with a side of the Zesty Sweet Tomato one too. I had been interested in trying that one and felt it was time to pull a “do it already jimi!” It was a delish meal. Here is a pic snapped before devouring it:

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Looked exactly like that except more like an actual salad and less like a man with veggies on. Plus you know like not at all. That is from ATHF by the way. If you don’t like that show I will break up with you.

Like seriously.

We had a nice long talk with ILM (In law mother) which was cool because it’d been a while since we had one. Plus you know I don’t turn down free stuff.

Afterwards we (wifey and I) went back home and I planted myself in front of the tube to watch the Browns pre season game. Watching lead to this exchange:

Disclaimer: I don’t normally yell at pre season games.
Me: Oh come on jeez!
Wife (from other room): What?
Me: Sports.
(She made me institute a rule of saying sports after yelling at the TV so she knows nothing “real” is wrong.)
Wife: See this is why I hate you watching football.
Me: Why?
Wife: You yell so much.
Me: I yell at soccer.
Wife: No you don’t
Me: True. NOW SHUT THE HELL UP I’M WATCHING FOOTBALL*

*That didn’t actually happen. Don’t send me anymore emails about my wife leaving me angry email sender it hurts my feelings**

**It doesn’t actually.

We then headed over to the Capitol theatre to see “This is Spinal Tap.” Oh man there is nothing better than seeing a movie you love on the big screen and for 5 bucks. That was at midnight. When we got home and settled down it was about 3 am and we hit the hay.

Sunday started off as one big fail. First I woke up about 10am to a wicked headache. Then the cable remote wasn’t working. Once I got that taken care of the TV wouldn’t work right. Finally I got all 3 to obey me.

Soccer time yeah!

Then a trip to Aldi’s which was only worth mentioning because of the young kid there. He was walking around pointing this like lollipop necklace thing at people going:

“laser. Laser.”

I do believe he was shooting people (including the wife and I) with it.

Awesome and funny.

Of course Sunday was time for the finally Marx Bros movie being played at the Cleveland Cinematheque. Good time as always. Watch em bishes (and you thought you’d get away without me using that!) cause they’re great.

Once home we settled in together to be romantical. Syfy was showing Predator 2 and we snuggled up. Okay actually she was cleaning up around the living room but we snuggled up in spirit and soul. Interesting note: It stars Maria Conchita Alonso who we saw in The Vagina Monologues.

She found a card from me that had this in it: ‘I wouldn’t change what we have for all the tiny magical gnomes I could fit into a suitcase.”

I dropped some poetical shit on you bishes (haha 2 now!) with that line there.

Hope you had a good weekend and feel like telling me about it. DO IT!

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The one where I get leopardy or

July 1, 2010

You know learn about art.

A brief disclaimer before we begin. I went into this hoping to write a neat little write up of it. I did.
No seriously. Look:

Dear awesome chick I know who works at the Art Museum,

“hey is it cool to bring my camera to the lecture? I thought I’d blog about it so like to snap a few shots.”

See. Ms. Jackson my intentions were good and if I could go back in time to write a more serious one I probably still wouldn’t. What can I say I am who I am? I do want to state for the record no matter what you read below this point (if you read) I thoroughly enjoyed the lecture. It was very interesting and well done. Constantine Petridis, curator of African Art, gave the lecture and I mean no disrespect at all.
I mean no disrespect because the first note I have on the actual lecture was this:

He really reminds me of the character from Ghost Busters II. You know Dr. Janosz Poha? Janosz is the guy who gets possessed by the spirit of Vigo the Carpathian. This guy:

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Of course because I kept seeing him as Janosz lead to two continual thoughts running through my head.

1. I can’t possibly include it in my write up. 2. I wonder if I can get him to say “Soon, the city will be mine and Vigo’s… mainly Vigo’s.” after the lecture.

I almost convinced myself to do it too. Think he would have punched me? Anysequel he spoke very eloquently about the piece and was very thoughtful. He added some bits (and attempts) at humor but that really just enforced the thoughts from above. I did also have this other note written:

“he says ‘unit’ a lot. Tee hee.”

Yes tee hee was actually part of the note.On that note let us really dive on in. Ready kiddies?

It of course was held at the amazing Cleveland Museum of Art. Check them out at that link and or follow them on twitter here. It has been under construction for what seems like forever but there are new galleries open and they look awesome. We get a lot of crap from places but I will say this: Our Art Museum is still free so suck on it bitches.

We arrived at about 6:40 and entered the building. Now I knew the lecture but not where it was being given. The wifey asked the gaggle of security people—do you use gaggle for security people?—she asked them where it was. Bear in mind they were old. It went mostly like this (note anything in parenthesis may not have actually happened):

Securityoldie1: Whaa? LECTURE? (In my day a lecture meant you were in trouble!) You know of a LECTURE? (You know lass in my day we walked 100 miles in the snow and broken glass to get to lectures and on time)
Securityoldie2: No I don’t know anything about lectures.
Securityoldie3: I’m not sure. (If I should be hanging out with these fellas) Ask the desk.
Securityoldie1: Oh yes it is in the African Exhibits. (Damn kids)
Securityoldie1-3: (Get off our lawns!)

We ran from them without are baseball because they told us one more time and it was theirs. Maybe our friend can borrow his dad’s Babe Ruth Baseball.

Bam! Dropping a Sandlot reference on you right there. I just cracked a huge knowledge egg on you bitches.

So we go down (yeah baby) and then through the back halls and up the escalator and around the corners. After we left grandma’s house (and back through the woods) we went to the African exhibits. Where there was nobody. We walked around. Found Morgan Freeman posing as a CMA security guy and he said he didn’t know of it. Pointed us back to the African Art section and there we stood perplexed as the clocked ticked on to 7.

[Insert Benny Hill chase scene here.] Incidentally that note in my book made me download the Benny Hill theme as my ringtone. I’m impressionable.

AnyYaketySax as we stood there near the Stool (bahahah) we realized that the dude giving the lecture was up there too. How did we know? Well he told someone he’s from “The upper vest side” that he knew that they weren’t late because he was the one giving the lecture and that it was downstairs in the lecture hall. Wow a lecture in a lecture hall—who would have thunk? We’re smart!

[Cue Benny Hill chase again]

So the lecture was on African art and specifically: King Kamga’s Leopard Stool.

I’ll pause while you giggle because you just read stool. Oh is that just me? Fine. This is the actual description of the stool (haha I know at least Carissa is laughing with me. High five Carissa!) from their site:

In its homeland in the Cameroon Grassfields this leopard stool is a symbol of high rank and once belonged to the royal treasure. Imported glass beads from Venice and Bohemia were the exclusive property of the king and his retinue, while leopard imagery was reserved for the prestige arts at the royal court. After it was photographed at the feet of its last African owner, King Kamga II of Bandjoun, this stool was brought back by Father Frank Christol to France where it remained hidden in a private collection for more than half a century.

I could use the camera but the room was way too dark without the flash so I made these for you:

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Shown: Seats (Bottom) Screen (left) King Kamga’s Stool (bahaha) (in screen) Janosz and Podium (right)

And this:

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Shown: Screen w/ Cameroon Grassland Map (Left) and Crazy guy (will make an appearance later and his crazy hair (bottom Right)

It was all very interesting. I found it fascinating. He talked about how some of the stuff (such as the Leopard stool) was not originally as highly valued. Apparently the collectors felt the wooden stuff was more expressive than art that was made with beads and etc. I think they are all amazing and very much expressive. The stools made wonderful use of wood, textile and beads.

This one was a traveling stool (though still very large and heavy.) The Leopard was used metaphorically and figuratively (yay redundancy!) The King’s had dual roles both religious and Royal (law). The Leopard represented leadership. The stools were seen as protective as much as useful. The defender would morph into/under the guise of a leopard seeking out trouble and evil doers. Sort of like Darkwing Duck but you not a duck, and nothing like that at all.

Anyletsgetdangerous he kept it short but very informative. He was friendly and answered questions from the audience. The audience wasn’t as big as I had hoped it would be and the questions were mostly lame. This leads me to the crazy hair guy. He was interested in the part where Janosz had mentioned that beaded artifacts weren’t as valuable. He wanted to know if he (the speaker) felt that he (and the CMA) were pioneers in the showing of these artifacts. What he asked was:

“do you feel that because it’s sort of under the radar that you come in like a thief and get the good stuff”

What??

Anyawkwardness he didn’t know how to respond and then went on to explain some of the process of how things get shown and what not. That was interesting too. There are more lectures in the series. If interested check here. I know we’ll be back.

Things in my notes but not mentioned used here:

How it pre dates Christianity (like Joan Rivers)
Boobies! (A slide had a woman with her boobs exposed!)
How a headdress was like the Decepticon Soundwave.
Here is that note: The headdress can be folded in to protect the feathers while not performing. Awesome the headdress is sort of like a Transformer. Yeah like Soundwave except not a robot, no gun and doesn’t turn into a sweet boom box.
The early beads were pretty plain. Just red white and blue.
America Fuck Yeah!

I’ll leave you with some pictures of King Kamga’s Stool:

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And then me plotting:

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