donks, cops, creepy uncles and puking on books

July 1, 2011

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What’s this? Posting the best of Overheard Ohio for June on the first day of July? It’s a miracle! If you’re not following it on twitter, what the hell is the matter with you?

(You may be what we like to call “a bit touched” in the head. See a doctor about that.)

Without further insult (seriously I love you guys.) here are my favs in no particular order:

“Yeah she was hot but I think she was the one who took a crap by the bed.” –dude drinking @XYZtheTavern

“I told this white dude that SMH meant slicing my hand and those who say it are really depressed.”

“maybe I could become a doctor but you wouldn’t give me no dollar for the bus.” guy not wearing shoes to dude who wouldn’t give him change.

“My Uncle asked me to pick up some “supplies” when I went grocery shopping but his list was: Pepto-Bismol and condoms.”–Girl in parking lot

“Is this the bookstore that you puked on the books in the science fiction section that time you got wasted on @molsoncoors at like 3pm?”

Mom-“this is kind of a ghetto area” Son-“Well mom its not like we’re gonna get out of the car & have a fucking picnic”

“Not every cop is trying to fuck you in the ass guys.”–cop to some young guys.

“Son that is what we call a donk.”–Older guy to his son about a woman getting off the bus.

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the one with a bum buggering dresser.

June 23, 2011

A wee bit of jimi business before we begin; today is my four year anniversary with the very lovely Kat. I love her more and more. She’s made me the poet, writer and person I am today.

(So send her all complaints!)

Now on to what you really came here for—the ass rape.

(Wait what?)

It was 3 in the morning. A summer night that was not unlike most summer nights. The apartment was quiet. The cats sprawled out on the living room floor in attempt to hide from the heat. I was up late (again) and lost track of the time. I tried to shake the sleep from my bones but it clung with a righteousness I simply couldn’t match. My fingers plugged away at the keyboard till the lids of my eyes grew heavy. There would be no beating sleep. I made my way to the window and paused to peer out into the darkness. What wearied traveler was out there?

(Okay enough of that. Who do I think I am Denis Johnson lite?)

I trudged off to the bedroom—trying to be as quiet as possible. The wifebot of course had to be up in 3 hours. Turning off the remaining lights I used the flashlight app on my phone to lead the way. After peeing and tossing my pants off I was ready for bed.

Except I forgot earlier in the night I washed the dishes while listening to the Indians game. I left the radio in the kitchen. You see I need the radio on to sleep. I switch between Coast to Coast AM and a Sports talk show. It all depends on my mood. If I don’t want to be bothered by real life I leave it on the sports show. Now if that show spends too much time on a sport or story I don’t like I switch on over to Coast to Coast.

AnyNowYouKnowHowJimiSleeps I had to go to the kitchen to get the radio. I knew this would lead to noise and waking her up. How could it not, after the perfect execution of silently getting into bed? I made my way slowly into the kitchen with my phone. While in there I made sure to switch the station back to the one I wanted and to turn the volume down to an acceptable sleeping level. That done I went back to the bedroom. As I used my phone to see the socket it told me it would be dying soon. No worries I’ll plug it in right now.

(Ah crap the plug is in the living room.)

She stirred.

(Ah crap I actually said that first thing out loud.)

Off to the living room to fetch the charger. Now the cats were stirring. Rasputin following me from the living room to the bedroom—he does this most nights as I head off to bed. I could hear her sleeping soundly as I rounded the home stretch. I just may get through this. All I had to do was plug the phone charger into the wall and slide into bed. I made sure all the pillows were in the right place. I plugged in the charger and it made its little noise assuring me it would begin to charge.

None of this woke her up.
(Whew.)

I moved toward the bed and pulled the plug out of the wall. That’s okay I’ll just reach down and plug it back in. For some reason I didn’t bend over to do this but instead squatted down. As I did my ass made contact with the corner of an open drawer. Bull’s-eye! I mean the Enterprise (my ass) was just sitting there shields down when a Romulan Bird of Prey decloaked and slammed a torpedo right through the hull (the hull being my bum.)

“YOWWWWWWW!”
(Pause.)

The wifebot sits up. “Whaa…whaaa…?” She appears to still be mostly asleep.

“I think I just lost my virginity to a fucking dresser,” grabbing my bum and doing a little hop step.

“Oh.” She turns over and is back into her dreams.

I gingerly walk over and sleep on my side. The next day I tell her about it and she says:

“That’s what you get for leaving the drawers open all the time.”

(Probably true.)


the one with April’s overheard

June 3, 2011

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Then there was the time I hadn’t blogged in about a week and tried to come up with an easy post. Yep kids always try to take the easy way out. It was this in mind I whipped up the best of Overheard Ohio for May. It wasn’t long before I realized I didn’t do one for April. Hooray two easy breezy posts. So May will wait (till next week probably) while I present to you the best of April:

(In no particular order.)

“I don’t trust him he never once looked at my tits and I had some nice cleavage going on.” –woman in lobby Downtown.

“This fucking dog hasn’t got me one fucking chick.”–Guy to another guy while walking a dog.

“Guy has been accused of rape 3 times. I mean I’m not saying I’m ‘rape free,’ but damn.”

“Treat that drain like you would your woman. Get at it!”-Plumber one to plumber 2

“Hey girl you wanna come sit on this? I ain’t got a home but I be getting women off all da time.” –drunk dirty homeless looking guy

“I gave bobby a hand job at the party so he’d pee in Mike’s book-bag.” –Girl outside of the UC.

And the winner for not funny and really sad award:

“aint you get pregnant from suckin dick?” girl in sex ed class.


Conversations with Jimi: enter vol 9

May 16, 2011

1.

(It takes place in a crowded bar (the grog shop)

Random guy: AMANDA!
Me (In as girlish as a voice as I can): Whaaaat.
Random Guy (Looks around confused): Where are you?
Me (In as girlish as a voice as I can): Overrr here.
Random Guy (Looking): Amanda??
Me (In as girlish as a voice as I can): What!
Random Guy: I can’t hear you too good, where are you?

(He went off to search.)

2.

(I walk slowly with a bad headache to greet her as she returns home.)

Me: This is like the Hollywood Hogan of headaches.
Her (Loudly): Oh yeah you big baby!
Me: You’re a heel*

*Wrestling reference: heel=bad guy.

3.

(While driving.)

Wifebot: That wire looks like it’s hanging awful low.
Me (singing): Hang LOW sweet chariot—oh wait it’s swing low isn’t?
Wifebot: …

4.

(Rihanna’s “S&M” comes on.)

Me: Sticks and stones may break my bones but Chris Brown’s hands are what choke me.
Wifey: Did you just make that up?
Me: Uhm…yes…
Wifey: You’re a horrible person.
Me: Oh I thought you’d be proud of my cleverness.
Wifey: No.


The one where I’m Scrooge McDuck

May 3, 2011

So if you read yesterday’s post (and you did because you are all faithful readers) you know 2 things. One we have an odd marriage (probably already knew that.) and two that I had an interview.

(The interview seemed to go pretty smoothly.)

The day started out like any other with some coffee and then breakfast: Generic Captain Crunch.

Yep Berry Kid’s Crunch.

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This of course led to generic top of mouth being crunked up.

That’s fine. It happens. I’ll take it in stride. Oh the cats spilled my coffee? That’s fine. I had to leave anyway. I throw on my Parnell’s hoodie and head on out into the sunny gray Cleveland day.

Are the gray skies an omen? Probably not, I mean Cleveland can be gray. The temp was just right at about 54 degrees. I can dig that. I put my sunglasses away and hit up my Pandora station. I was good to go. I got onto the bus and decided I’d rather read. Off came the headphones and out came the book. I noticed an older couple was eying me.

Old dude: You never see young people reading on the bus.
Old chick: I know. What’s he reading?
Old Dude: Oh it looks like he’s reading Poe!
(Yep it was a collection of Poe stories.)

I got downtown with about 30 minutes to spare before the interview. The sun greeted me as I stepped off the bus. It struggled clawing at the clouds but soon pushed them to the side. With a smile I pulled out my sun glasses. Wearing funky sunglasses always makes me feel better. They seem to boost my confidence. I walked around east fourth soaking the sun and people in. I leaned against a wall to jot a few lines of poetry down.

As I did this a man in an old Cleveland Indians jacket walked up to me. We made eye contact and I knew what was going to come next.

“Hey big man.”

Why do they always start that way with me? You probably know that I’m essentially a smurf. I mean I am small. No matter what guy is asking me for something it’s always “hey big man.” Or “big man let me ask ya something.” Is it just me or do they start the same way with others? Maybe they’re all fans of ironic nicknames? Perhaps they think it’ll make me more likely to give them some change. Maybe they think they’re helping me fulfill some “I wish I was taller” fantasy. It could be they’re calling me fat but that doesn’t seem like a smart technique. I dunno but it never fails.

Dude: Can I ask you for some help big man.
Me: You can but I’m not really in a position where I can help.
Dude: Those other people looked at me like I didn’t exist.
Me: That sucks.
Dude: I just need a couple of bucks today.
Me: I would but I spent all the cash I had on me on my bus pass.
Dude: I’m homeless but I’m still a person.
Me: I agree. I’m sorry.
Dude: I lost my job I just need a couple bucks.
Me: I’d help if I could. I lost my job too, down here trying to get a new one.
Dude: A dollar? Anything?
Me: I would if I had it but I don’t.
Dude: Bullshit you look like Mr. fucking Moneybags.
Me: Well you read me wrong. (I cross the street.)
Dude: LOOK EVERYONE THERE GOES MR. FUCKING MONEYBAGS. LOOK AT MR. MONEYBAGS WALK AWAY.

Yep he had me pegged. I’m a real Scrooge McDuck over here. Now if you’ll excuse me it’s time to go swim in my vault of gold coins.

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Overheard Ohio February style

March 2, 2011

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Ah It be March. Spring is near. Let us celebrate with a look back at the best of Overheard Ohio for the month of February. I’ve decided to go with a top 5 because there weren’t 10 great ones. Keep checking over there for more fun!

5 “I don’t give no shit ma. Just cuz the last time they seen me I was high on crack & I stole their tv doesn’t mean they can be rude.”

4 “BOOOOOBIES! BOOOOBIES! Have you seen them ever?”–Young boy in the mens room to another boy.

3 “damn if you can’t watch him maybe grams can cus I got to masturbate at least a few times when I get
home”-lady looking at skirts in Walmart

2 “excuse me, I am a big black guy don’t be alarmed.” Big black guy to interracial couple walking on utoledo campus.

1 “I haven’t given him a BJ in over a month cus I caught him checking the cavs score on his phone during the last one”–drunk girl at the bar


The one with January top Overheard

February 18, 2011

Don’t forget about @overheardohio on twitter. So without further delay here is the top ten sent into Overheard Ohio:

10. “I’ve been sitting at the computer so long my ass hurts & I think I have carpe diem in my wrists” – Girl at Speedway.

9. “You shouldn’t draw pictures of men sleeping on sofas.”–Semi-hipster dude at Fatheads to his buds.

8. “This Martin Luther King guy was the man huh mom?”–young kid to his mom.

7. “Any black girls lost their weave?Is there a lost and found, weave is expensive” guy at Waffle House.

6. “We can at least agree that the homeless have it better in terms of ability to pee wherever they want,right?”

5. “I can’t wait till spring so I can let this big ass hang all out!”–girl with big booty at the bus stop

4. “You need to stop staring at that young ladies chest & pay attention to what I have…to teach you.” Tutor to kid at Beachwood mall

3. “Hey they is dying in Iraq for my right to have a fucking ice cream cone. I put it up there. Count them
pennies!”

2. “What am I doing? I’m walking her dumb dog in the fucking cold. Why? Have you seen her tits?”—Guy walking dog.

1. “You peed on a dude because he thought that was sexy and you’re calling me crazy?” –guy on phone.


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