In the TMI blog post system, cookie-based TMI’s are considered especially heinous. In The Cheap Seats, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad called the Special TMI Unit. These are their stories.
It’s a sad day when I must relay a TMI that involves a cookie. It was a Tuesday—of course it was Tuesdays are the new Mondays—and I was starving when I arrived to work. If it’s Tuesday you can be sure I’m running late. This one really was no different. I skipped breakfast. I missed the first bus. I was ready to go home. It was 9:20AM.
I have to be in roll call at 9:30.
There was nothing quick to eat at home, so I decided to brave the break room vending machine. When I got there the choices didn’t exactly overwhelm me. There was some gum, a pack of Doritos, beef jerky and a chocolate chip cookie.
Spoiler alert: I went with the cookie.
I ripped open the cookie and ate half of it in one big ole bite. It probably looked like a snuff film watching me try to eat that cookie. As I went cookie monster on it I remembered I still needed to get ready.
Ready = tuck my shirt on and put my tie on.
I relocated to the locker room so I could put my bag and coat away. Half eaten cookie in hand I fixed everything. Okay wrap cookie and put it away, then bathroom. Look at watch.
Time to pee and get to roll call. I put my bag away and go into the stall. Hurriedly pull Ensign Jimi out and prepare to fire on the Borg. The bay doors begin to close and I make sure they open all the way. Pee is ricocheting everywhere!
What the hell?
Then I realize the cookie is still in my hand—or you know wetly crumbling into toilet. You know in Ghostbusters when they have to cross the streams? It was just like that—if it took place in a bathroom stall and one of the streams was a cookie and the other urine.
Just like that.