This past Saturday was our 5 year wedding anniversary. The traditional 5 year gift is wood. That meant I didn’t have to buy her an actual present.
(bow chikka bow wow)
Actually I did buy her a gift, though I made jokes for months about giving her “wood” instead of a real present.
(The word peen was used on several of those occasions.)
The weekend helped prove a few things:
1. Champagne on pretty much ANY beach is awesome.
2. your anniversary present is in my pants jokes will always be funny.
3. Divorce jokes are even funnier on your anniversary.
4. It’s easier to grab your wife’s boobs if she’s “carrying you” on her back in the water.
5. Oh and that I uh really love my wife and etc.
Speaking of anniversaries and divorces, the awesome day lead to this conversation:
me: this was a pretty awesome anniversary.
wifebot: yeah it doesn’t get much better than this.
me: we might as well not even try.
wifebot: I know.
me: No more anniversaries!
wifebot: we should just get divorced.
wifebot: expect divorce papers tomorrow.
I don’t actually expect to ever receive divorce papers. You know cause true love and all that jazz. The second reason I recently told her. It amused her to no end and I’ll share my brand of crazy with you now.
My mind goes weird places. One of the weirdest happens when she is late picking me up or if she doesn’t respond to a text all day. When either of those things happens I automatically assume that she’s decided she wants a divorce.
She won’t be picking me up from work. She’ll just abandon me there with no word. Not just decided a divorce was in order.
Oh no. In this story she’s gonna Total Recall me from her life. She’ll take all of her stuff from our apartment and go. No more contact. No reason or anything. No divorce papers—just go away and never bother with me again.
The wifebot is notoriously famous for not responding to texts right away. So my mind crafts this story a lot. She’s probably stopped reading this to pack up all of her stuff.