The time I owned a house for an hour

So this is the promised hilarity that happened on the Fourth of July.

Editor’s note: Hilarity is not actually guaranteed.

Let me set the scene a bit. Every year the city of Lakewood has a Fourth of July Parade. The wifey is in it. She is dressed as a Toucan riding a Flamingo.



It was a pretty amazing costume and she made it! She is awesome like that.

So she is walking with the Beck Center’s group in the Lakewood parade. Nobody else I knew was going to be there to watch so I had to go it alone. Imagine poor lonely jimi in a strange world. To make matters worse since it was going down a neighborhood street I’d have to insert myself in someone’s yard.

There were chairs set up in almost every single yard and neighbors talking to neighbors. I slunk around until I came up to a yard with a big ole tree right up on the edge near the street. Now it was a hot mother (shut your mouth) that day so the big shade seemed optimal. It had 4 (empty at the time) chairs ahead of the tree right near the street. The family was up on their porch. I plopped my messenger bag and my camera bag at the base of the tree. I looked up at the teenagers of the family and they smiled at me and I tipped my cap at them.

YES I tip my cap/hat. Wanna fight? Sometimes it’s an imaginary cap or hat but that doesn’t change a thing!

This implied consent and I was out of the way. A few minutes later a family of 5 (3 adults and two children) came strolling up the block. They appeared to like our spot (I’ve since become an honorary member of the family that owned the house—no they don’t know this) Well the intruders scoped it out and then asked me.

Interlopers: Can we uh sit in your yard here?
Me: Uhm…sure…
(I look around)
Interlopers: Are you sure?
Me: Oh yeah. My—our yard is your yard.
Interlopers: Great thanks. Hot one today huh?
Me: Way.

They proceed to bust out with a huge blanket that covers most of the space. I look around at the family on the porch but they’ve not noticed anything. Now there is a picnic basket and chairs. I’m a bit worried. Then they move the four empty chairs (the real owners) and put them behind their chairs and blankets. The audacity I may even kick them off my lawn.

Eventually the family of four comes on out with their drinks ready to watch the parade. They stop short on the sidewalk stunned by the family that has ousted them. The look annoyed. They set up behind them and smile politely but shoot dirty looks at them when they can. The two teenage girls are by me and they’re real pissed. Saying things like “how rude.” And “who just moves other peoples shit” They look over at me and I feel their pain. We need solidarity at this point. So I shrug a deep heartfelt ‘Some people are just rude” shrug and say “I dunno.”

They smile at me again and tell me I’m good where I am and not rude like the others. I give them that heartfelt “I don’t get people” shrug and start taking pictures of the parade.

I’m either a dick
Or really awesome.

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7 Responses to The time I owned a house for an hour

  1. Cookbook says:

    I would have done the same thing but encouraged the two families to fight.

  2. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Cleveland Poet. Cleveland Poet said: Posted: the time I owned a house for an hour or so: […]

  3. Donna says:

    That is freaking hilarious. I’m with “cookbook” tho. You totally should have started a fight. That would have been awesome.

    And your wife is awesome too.

  4. mom says:

    I agree… It’s up to you to decide what I agree with. 🙂

  5. That was funny….I would have probably done the same thing!

  6. spleeness says:

    haha, I read this twice, imagining the whole thing. Classic.

  7. shut up!! that’s awesome 🙂

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