How quickly I come crawling back to the post of the TMI variety. I had some other things planned for today but yesterdays post reminded me of something that happened a few weeks ago and never truly got a tmi Thursday post.
Yesterday I was working on Dinner (the script not the meal) for a few hours. Now usually if I’m in a good writing groove I’ll ignore mostly everything and keep on keeping on. On many occasions I’ll forget about eating, work schedules, plans, bathing etc. Often times I’ll remember to get coffee but never actually drink it. Yesterday I forgot about mostly everything except I drank about 9 cups of coffee. I kept going and going, until well I got up to stretch and realized my crotch felt as if it was about to explode.
How would one explain the spontaneous detonation of pee in their library? There’d be pieces of crotch, pants and wave after of pee everywhere….
So I went to the bathroom and peed for what felt like a bazillion minutes when I remembered the story from probably 3 weeks ago. So I scrapped what was being written today and went with this semi tmi. It’s more of a seriously jimi but whatever. I never even told the wife about the incident because I like to you know keep her on her toes and make her read my blog.
Anypoormarriageskills it was one of those serious writing days. I love those kinds of days I really do. I mean sure I’m starving around 6 because I never hate and sometimes have a pounding headache. I mean you’re supposed to suffer for your art but I’m not planning on cutting my ear off anytime soon. Instead I hold off peeing till it hurts and forget to eat.
Okay so I’m working on Dinner and make my way to get like my 300 cup of coffee that day. As I’m walking I realize not only do I have to pee like way bad but that there is a different kind of rumbling. Somehow my stomach and butt were rumbling and yelling at me at the same time. So I make my way all smooth and calmly. Then as I got there and I was all James Bond cool like unbuckling my belt and unbuttoning my pants a more desperate rumble/sinking feeling hit. I got all frantic for a second trying to get the pants down. Picture the way Jaws eats that first girl on the beach. It really was for no reason because the stomach appeared to be laughing at me and was actually calm by the time I sat on the pot. I kicked my pants off and up onto the radiator like I was Chuck Norris.
Yeah broke off a Chuck Norris reference. (I was watching Walker Texas Ranger earlier.)
Anyroundhousekick yeah full disclosure I like to take my pants all the way off when I take Browns to the super bowl. I don’t do that in public only at home. It turned out to be a good thing. I’m down there taking care of number two I might as well kill two bathroom birds with one stone and finish off number 1 right? I did. I was peeing and peeing—the dropping off the kids portion of the program done—when I went into thinking about the play mode. I got lost in my head sometime during the 57 minutes of peeing that took place. I had me an epiphany sitting on the pot pee streaming from my flesh pen (what the hell is wrong with me?) like some horribly long Pearl Jam song. Something I wanted to fix in the play became clear and I wanted to get right to fixing it! First I had to wipe my bum or was that what I had to do first? I jumped up ready to get my wipe on without even realizing that I was so lost in my head that well I was still technically peeing.
Bam or splatter actually! I hear pee hit the bathroom floor and then some hit my foot. Yes kiddies that’s when I came to the understanding that I had been so lost in my head that I forgot I was still peeing. I quickly aimed for the brown submarine in the toilet and finished off.
Yeah I just starred in The Hunt for Brown October!
I then mopped and cleaned the bathroom floor (after wiping of course) and then washed my foot. I loaded up on some coffee and went back to writing. There ya go folks you now know that I poo with my pants completely off and at least once referred to my penis as a flesh pen. What I am a writer. Hell you probably learned so many more things than just those two.
Enjoy all that.