Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!
If there is one thing I learned from last week’s TMI Thursday is that I’m pretty disgusting. I think the consensus was that post was the grossest one yet. I was proud to say that I got several people telling me it made them gag. Yeah! You think I can stick that on my resume? I suppose the other thing it taught me was to wait to blow my nose till I’ve wiped and flushed. I’ve decided to give you all a break from the really gross. I’m going to go with more of the funny gross, or at least only mildly gross. A few TMI Thursday posts ago I brought you the story of eaty Mcskin Skin. This one is about him again.
He’s always been about the food. There are some occasions when the store decides to reward (ha!) the employees or just simply leave the remains of the managers “sampling” new products. Seth (here we go with the name change again) couldn’t be happier on these days but then he’d be happy if you leave your last piece of a donut on the break room table when you go back to work.
Or on the top of the rest of the trash in the trash can.
Or just in the trash can.
Yes Roger (Bam name change!) loves him some food and it appears the older the better. Anygarbage this is more than just a review of Adam and his love of garbage food but more like a review of some recent events that occurred with Jake. You’ll find it all in the
Oops I mean the Food Locker.
So for Christmas our lovely store bought us some pizza. This is a yearly attempt to keep morale and joy and all that jazz (yeah jazz hands!) up. Nothing helps improve morale than 15 boxes of pizza. Although I’ll wager that instead of the pepperoni sausage combo pie the employees would take the hours they lost instead. That is for another day. Ralphie though would probably not. He stood up there for about 7 minutes after he was done for the day eating pizza, and stocking up on it too. Three days later he comes out of the locker area carrying a box of pizza. He was just a whistling and chewing on some 3 day old pizza. When some suggested to him that it may be time to toss the pie he broke into Godfather mode and mumbled something about making him sleep with the fishes if he touched it. He then turned to me and said “Can you believe this guy you tell him what happens when you mess with the family” To which I replied what anyone would “we’ll turn him into cheese.”
I have no clue either. Bobby thought it made sense though because he repeated it over and over again like I had said “His name is Robert Paulson.” Bam Fight Club reset bitches! So anybubble I should get on to the food locker title. Steve-o has a locker. He doesn’t have a lock on said locker but he has a locker nonetheless. Here are the contents:
A tube of toothpaste.
A ziplock bag of carrots. (They’ve been in there for about a week) Oh and did I mention they were being eaten by another coworker before they found their way into the locker.
A few appear to be browning.
A donut. Not on a plate or a napkin. Nope just sitting on the locker floor.
A piece of fried chicken, also not on anything.
Some mostly chewed fries in a broken Styrofoam container.
A Pepsi can.
What appeared to be a Twix bar at some point in its life?
So Jeffrey here is somewhat entertaining. He’ll rant and say relatively funny nonsensical things. I will say as of late he’s been a little too touchy. He’ll put his arm around me when he wants to tell me who is gonna have to sleep with the fishes. Most departments love the fact that he offers to take out all the trash. Now they may give them a little reward here and there but I think they don’t realize the real reason he does it. No Petey doesn’t trudge out in the cold and snow with the trash because he’s very altruistic. It’s because it’s a free fracking Buffet for him. The last time he took the trash out and I happened to be in the back room when he returned was by far the grossest. He came back with a real hop in his step. He has a bag in his hand that appears to be dripping and have something black on.
Joe/Seth/Pete/Roger: Heyyyy Jimi. I’m running the show here.
Me: Making people cheese?
Bob/Pat/John: Cheese and fishes and bricks. That’s how we do it here.
(He pulls out of a hole in the bag a broken donut and begins to eat it)
Sal/Reggie/Al: Lookie what I found Jimi!
Me: Oh good for uhm you.
He’s now close enough for me to see a piece of what appears to be old collard greens hanging on the donut. Then he stuffed in his mouth and walked off saying something about Sicilian family life and fishes and being the man.
Well I think I’ll go have a dount.