Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!
This TMI Thursday is a bit different. For one thing it doesn’t involve sex or throw up which appeared to be the theme around here. It has nothing to do with ass to mouth (but I still want to write that because damn is it a top search that brings people here!) though ass is still involved. I was unsure what to write about when my wife suggested I tell the tidbit that will follow. I’m still convinced she’s just afraid I’ll use something involving her and so she tries to steer me clear of those things. A little bit of background before we begin.
1. I’ve had a cough for about 2 weeks now.
2. These were just admissions (amusing statements made by me) and not actual occurrences.
3. I got a bit drunk last night playing the Austin Carr drinking game.
4. Austin Carr is a former Cavs player/current Cavs tv announcer. He is quite hilarious.
As we walked from the car to our apartment (we parked basically in Canada) I mentioned I’d soon have to drop the kids off at the pool. I actually described number two like this because it really irks the lovely wife. So we continue to walk and I had to cough (like I do every 30 seconds or so these days.) I stop in my tracks to let the string of coughs come and go. The wife keeps going but semi turns because I’m not walking anymore. I decide to inform her why. I say: “When a cough comes and I’ve got to take a crap I need to stop so I can make sure I squeeze my butt cheeks closed tightly. You know make sure the cargo bay doors are closed? We don’t want to release the trash into space prematurely.” That was the first bit of what was TMI in her mind. On we move to me playing the Austin Carr drinking game whilst watching the Cavaliers beating on the Orlando Magic. I got a pretty good drunk on, before she stopped me from taking shots and etc. So as we’re going to bed I realize I left my boxers in the bathroom (when I took a shower a few minutes earlier) and went to get them. Now normally I like to sleep totally naked (yeah some more TMI for ya!) but I needed my boxers. She was in the bathroom doing the gazillion things she does to get ready for bed, so I asked her to hand me my boxers. In my drunken state I decided I should lean up against the wall and justify why I wanted my boxers. So I sorta stammered and blurted “I uh need to. I well…” then decided I didn’t want to share the reasoning. She of course would not and could not let the intrigue of the half spoken admissions go and asked what I was trying to say. I then admitted/blurted out this:
“I need to wear boxers because I’m afraid that you know as I sleep I’ll cough and some how poo all over the bed. So I’ll wear these to have a buffer zone.” I then just looked at her with loving husbandy eyes. She only replied with: “your right you shouldn’t have told me.”
There ya go! I have fears of pooing (and I apparently use the term pooing too!) the bed because of this constant fucking cough. I also like to use Star Wars references in describing bodily functions. So in conclusion uhm may the force be with you?