What is it good for?
Okay well that isn’t exactly true but it was fun to say.
If you search the dictionary for the word coworker you’ll see it defined as a
douche bag Fellow worker; colleague. They can be average, smart, fun, boring, nice and or mean. You can like your coworkers. Coworkers can be friends, people to share in the horribleness that is whatever work you do—or they can really suck and add to the horribleness.
I’m mellow enough that I’m pretty much going to get along with everyone. I choose to rock the boat in my own creative ways, not in snippiness or fighting with coworkers. For the most part the people who work at the store are nice enough. That being said I wouldn’t consider a large majority of the people I work with acquaintances let alone friends. I guess that happens. I mean you can’t be friends with everyone. What troubles me is the high amount of people there that I simply out and out don’t like. Now don’t get me wrong I’m friendly (even when some of them rarely are) whenever I see them. It bothers me that I really don’t like a grand majority of them.
I tend to give people nicknames instead of calling them by their real names and work is no exception. The difference being for the most part you only get one for bad reasons.
The Myspacer: Stalks me on myspace
Deli McYells-at-me-for-nothingerson: Deli worker who bitched me out one day while I was off the clock.
Eat-e McSkin-Skin: He likes to eat trash and well skin and stuff he picks out of his hair.
The GhostRider: He’s lame and rides a motorcycle.
We’ll focus on two specific cases of outright dislike of particular coworkers here:
Motto: Grumpy is as grumpy does.
Traits: Pee’s a lot. Drinks coffee and “meds” in the coat hallway. Throws groceries.
When she’ll talk to you:
To bitch at you.
She likes you (rare) and wants to bitch about someone else.
Wildcard: She may grunt at you as she
passes runs into you on her way to the elevator.
Motto: Go to the bathroom every twenty minutes.
Traits: Yelling. Calling people stupid. Peeing. Snitching.
When she’ll talk to you:
If she wants to call you stupid or tell you that you’re doing something wrong.
She wants to narc on someone else.
There are a few exceptions. A great bunch of genuine people I enjoy talking with.
Things they have in common: Niceness, humor, nonjudgmental etc. Also they don’t (read: DON’T) try to have long bonding conversations with me in the bathroom.
Here we connect to the title—finally—and to another group of the coworkers.
Their names are the Bathroom Bonders! I’ve worked with my share of jerks and strange characters.
The young stalkers, the albino closet gay guy, home schoolers (seemingly never read a book—ever!), horn dogs, possible pedophiles, dude who eats trash it goes on and on. None of these creep me out more than the Bathroom Bonders. Lets clear something up I’m not speaking about people who nod and say “hey” or “what’s up?” or “how ya doing?”. Oh no they ask meaningful questions as we stand side by side in front of the urinal. They very creepily ask (as they shake their junk off) where you live.
These discussions are not limited to the sinks or the urinals. Oh no while I sit on the toilet, safely hidden by the stall walls (so I thought) they’ll gab away. One even went along these lines:
(I am sitting in a stall)
Coworker: Jimi! You took my favorite stall!
Jimi: oh uh…
Coworker: I always use it….is it your favorite stall too?
What is this all about? These are people who will barely nod at me in the store but open up as we sit on the can? What gives? You need to talk? Call a sex hotline. You want to talk? Find me while in the store—I’ll do pretty much anything to hold off work for a few—but leave me be in the bathroom.